You are here /wrestling
/guests
/Butchster
Guest Columns

Butchster

Main

BLAH

WORD FROM THE BUTCHSTER
Royal Rumble Preview

What is the dilly, my peeples? By the way, gratiuitious plug time: my article is still up HERE [don't think I'm too good to answer your letters!] and read the Benoit tribute thing HERE, which was without a shadow of a damn doubt the funniest thing I've read since Jesus turned heel. It's January, and w/me being a grande WWF mark, it can mean only one thing: the annual Royal (w/cheese?) Rumble. A few title matches, a little T & A, and the best gimmick match of the year, with the winner getting a shot @ WrestleMania. So, then, are you ready? Nuh-uh. I *said* ARE....YOU.....RRRRRRRRRRREADY?!?! Then for the 1000's reading this over the Internet, and the millions (and millions!) downloading from WWF Divas while they do so, and hell, just cause any CRZ exposure is good exposure, ladies and gentlemen....luh-et's get ready to PREVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:

    MISS ROYAL RUMBLE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION
Background [B]: None. Who cares! PUPPIES!!!
What I'd Like To See Happen[WI]: Terri & the Kat make out, pudding gets involved, more nudity Parent's Council be damned!
What's Probably Gonna Happen[WP]: Some sort of fight between Jackie & Ivory since they've gotten into a series, and Lawler to pass out.

    KURT ANGLE v. MYSTERY OPPONENT
B: Since debuting @ SurvSer, Angle has gotten over big time. He's found a way to win every week in his singles matches, by hook or by crook, and Yoko McHelmsley seems to want to shine his medals (mandatory "Slut" chant).
WI: Benoit comes out with a WCW World Title replica, bashes Angle to get DQed, tears Olympico a third corn chute, shoots all over creation, takes replica and burns to a huge pop. Shyeah. And Jennifer Love Hewitt's gonna give me a table dance in 19 days when I turn 21.
WP: Not sure. Rumors have listed everyone from the Taker to Shamrock to Tazz to Gillberg. Either way, unless it's Shamrock, Angle's going down the river here.

    RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE'S FAVE BAND the DUDLEY BOYS v. the HARDY BOYS(w/MILFotY Terri) in a TAG TABLES MATCH
    *for the BUTCHSTER'S WWF UNITED STATES TAG TEAM TITLES*
B: Monday Night, the Milk Duds put the Internet Darlings through tables. Thursday M & J got their revenge. Dudleys come from ECW, and haven't really gotten over yet. Hardys got their woman and have actually gotten a WWF crowd to give a standing O for the wrestling.
WI: Early Match of the Year candidate with Ross & Lawler crapping themselves as crazy-ass moves fly all over the Garden, the Hardys pull out a narrow win but the Duds earn everyone's respect.
WP: What I just said, except the Dudleys might go over, and the tables will probably be lit for a bonus.

    A-KO-LITES v. nAo--new Age outlaws[WWF TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH]
B: Acolytes, Sam Malone's least favorite team, won at Armageddon to earn this shot. The nAo had a brief bit of dissension, and their man Triple the Blashphemer has let them rest while putting the Lytes through the wringer.
WI: Acolytes beat the holy hell out of nAo, winning the straps and teasing another DX breakup that would occur most likely @ WM.
WP: This thing has screwjob written all over it. nAo get DQed or counted out on purpose, Triple B throws in some on-the-fly stips, somehow the Acolytes win the battle but not the war.

    Co-InterChrisinental Champ WONDER #9 (con the future Queen) v. HARDCORE BOB v. The REAL InterChrisinental Champ SUPREME OVERLORD CHRIS "WWY2JD? ON SUNDAY" JERICHO
    [Triple Threat--WWF INTERCHRISINENTAL TITLE MATCH]
B: Chyna wins belt from Aztec Warrior @ No Mercy. Beats the Ayatollah @ SurSer. Y2J makes us all happy by beating her @ A-GED. Rematch between two ends in draw. Yoko McHelmsley says they're both champs and let the crackheaded booking begin. If one of them lose, they both lose the belt. Playing mind games with each other and Kramer v. Kramer with the actual title since, Hardcore Bob has managed to pin both in tag action when the other turned their back on their partner.
WI: Three words: Jericho better win.
WP: Jericho wins, barely, to set up a match between him and the odd person out since, for some dumb-ass reason, this isn't a elimination-style match. Why, I don't know, wasn't someone supposed to be the UNDISPUTED I-C Champ?!

    King of the Death Match CACTUS JACK v. (c) TRIPLE the BLASHPHEMY (con Yoko McHelmsley) [Street Fight--WWF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP]
B: Mankind's first fued w/Helmsley as a face. Three PPV event that ends with SSlam 97 and the Foley leap off the cage. DX buddies Foley. hHh turns heel and plays Peter Gabriel, knocking God out of action. Rivalry re-heats. hHh gets power in abscence of the MacMen, fires Foley, then the People's Revolt gets him back. Foley ditches lovable loser gimmick and brings forth the I'm gonna kill your punk ass gimmick to much applause.
WI: 20-minute slugfest that ends-well, in a multitude of ways. Yoko misses some foreign object shot and hits hHh. The MacMen hit son-in-law with a car. Tazz chokes out somebody. Somehow, on this distant planet on this day, Cactus Jack wins Terra Ryzing's belt.
WP: WM is going to be hHh v. Rock. There's a formula, people. hHh wins by DX interference or just plain luck.

    30-MAN ROYAL RUMBLE [winner gets WWF Title Shot @ WM]
B: None, the prize of winning outshines it all. Early returns have the Rock winning.
WI: Someone who isn't the Rock eliminating the Rock to win and set up a match a SVDM. A Big Show, Hellfire & Toothpaste, D-Lo?? Edge, mayhaps? What about Rodney? No?
WP: Rock survives but someone jumps him after the match.

Well, whoomp, there it is. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. I'll come back with one of these next month. Till then, read "Word From the Butchster", come to the slash, and don't trust anyone over 30! Oh, yeah, I'm outta here like I stole somethin'.

Butch Rosser
President, Future Husbands of Jennifer Love Hewitt

Mail the Author
Visit Rantsylvania: Home of the Rant Crew

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission