WORD FROM THE BUTCHSTER
[DISCLAIMER]: Last night, for the 1st time in a damn long one, I went cold
turkey on wrestling. Letting the shows tape, I instead spent the evening
with my head in a hot girl's lap watching some movies and eating
chocolate-covered bananas. To steal Adam Duritz, "I got me a little
oblivion, baby." [Yes, it's a rarity, so I hold on to these moments as they
pass.] And I watched the tapes and both shows IMNSHO sucked. Next week, for
those of you looking for the weekly column, I'll have plenty to say and
more, but for now, it's time! It's time! IT'S PREVIEW TIME!
Well....well it's the biggest show of the year. It's the PPV of the year.
This does for descramblers what Benoit does for workrate, what Lawler does
for "Puppies!", what the Dudleys do for tag team wrestling. Not to mention
what Trish Stratus does for pausing and rewinding. It's Wrestlemania! A
bit of back history: got everything at the Rumble, 2-7 at No Way Out.
Hopefully, I'll pass with 5 of the 8 matches. So, let's kick this
mothascummer off:
THA GODFADDA & I RECOGNIZE HE SHOULD BE DOING A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN
THIS D'LO BROWN (w/More Ho's than a Home Depot) v. RETIRE ALREADY BIG
BOSSMAN AND BULL BUCHANAON (whatever)
Background[B]: Heels attack faces. And nope, it doesn't even smack the
tiniest bit of racism at all. Nope. Nope. Nope.
What I Hope Happens[WI]: Good guys are well in control when D'Lo jumps GF,
causing the heels to lose and putting Brown in the Eurotitle drivers seat
for the May PPV.
What I Think Will Happen[WT]: If Tim White refs, good guys win out. If not,
expect the screwjob earlier detailed. It's no hHh joining the Corporation,
but not everything's gonna work.
TEST & DICK PIERCE (w/YEAHBABY TRISH YEAHBABY STRATUS YEAHBABY) v. PRIDE OF
WISCONSON HEAD CHEESE (w/Head & Over Gimmick)
B: It should've been a triumphant return for Snow and Blackman. In
Milwaukee, they'd prevailed. As they celebrated with their people--well, Al
did, Steve's far too reserved for that--the newly formed heel team jumped
them. Trish said things, I drooled, and I lose track after that.
WI: Trish wears sumpin' skimpy. Head Cheese continues the climb to
immortality. Steve Blackman gets mad hella jiggy.
WT: Al & Blackman are used to jobbing, and they'll do it here to advance the
new team with the hot babe.
TWO KEWL & WONDER #9 v. NEW R4DICALZZZZ (EDDIE "Sucks" GUERRERO, LHW CHAMP
DEANO MACHINO & TATTOO BOY PERRY SATURN)
B: The Rads have had issues with 2 Cool. For some reason Ms. TV Chyna is in
this as well. There's been some friction between her & Eddie, specially.
And no, Eddie doesn't suck. It's what the marks chant at him. I personally
worship Eddie. So no hate mail.
WI: Radicals win. Eddie kicks it froggy style. Dean keeps showing he's got
(sing it with me fellow Head Cheese Marks) personality, and 2 Cool make the
goyim say they're pretty fly for some rabbis.
WT: Heels win by DQ. Not every match has to end clean, and I choose this
one to not. So there.
BIG DADDY KANE & HIS PHATNESS (w/Paul Bearer & Damn, that's a big ass) v.
D(MC)X---THE KIIIIIIIINGS ROAD DAWG & X-PAAAAAAAAC! (X-Pac.) [w/Tombstone
Nipples]
B: Apparently DX left Scores early one night to jump these two guys during a
match they had against each other. And the heelish actions have
continued--didya know these bastards kept 2C from dancing? Kane would like
to see Tori enveloped in a ring o' fire and has had DX issues since the
reformation, and Rikishi since partying in the 10-man tag back in January.
WI: Tori tosses Rikishi's salad. Road Dogg & X get the hell beat out of
them because the good guys are big and they are not.
WT: Who knows? One could see the heels cheat to win (see, I told you I
liked Eddie) or the situation above. I say, it's WM2K, and Kane, Paul, and
the Big Man par-tay. They get a little groove in on the run and Tori gets
Tombstoned to kingdom come.
EARNEST MILLER (w/Mae Old) v. MILFotY TERRI (w/Fabulose Cash Money)
B: I don't care. No one else does. This ain't gonna be a match.
WI: The WWF finally breaks down the 4th wall and the match is 18 minutes of
them sucking face. Lawler has a heart attack and dies. Oh, yeah, sucking
face in a tub full of pudding.
WT: It doesn't matter what happens! Show me puppies below the age 40
bracket and I'll be a happy-go-jacky camper.
{TRIANGLE LADDERS & MAYBE TABLES MATCH OH MY}[WORLD TAG TITLES]: TOTAL
REQUEST WORKRATE CAROLINA (w/Gap outfits) v. EDGE (I think while we weren't
looking he turned heel) & CHRISTIAN (him too) v. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE'S
FAVE BAND THE DUDLEYS
B: Hardys/Blondie goes back to October, Match of the Year. Hards beat Duds
at Rumble. Duds win straps at nWo. E & C beat Hards at same. E & C are
now Lovitzing (figure it out) over the attention payed to TRWC, while the
Dudleys are merely kicking everyone's ass with the 3D, including both of
these teams.
WI: So many "holy shit" chants Mushnick caps himself. Senton bomb off the
top of the ladder through a table! 3D off the ladder through a table!
Insert move here off the ladder through a table! Dudleys survive a war.
WT: ****, Dudleys hang on, setting up some sort of whacky death match
between the pretty boys at Backlash.
{TRIPLE THREAT TWO FALLS} [EUROPEAN & INTERCONTINENTAL TITLES]: INTERNET
DEITY/MR. ROBOTO CHRIS BENOIT v. SUPREME OVERLORD CHRIS "WWY2JD?" JERICHO v.
EUROCONTINENTAL CHAMP, OLYMPIC MEDALIST, COLOR COMMENTATOR, PITTSBURGH HERO,
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR KIRK ANGEL
B: In a title v. title match v. Y2J, Angle used his intelligence to come
away with both belts. It's true! It's true. But the Ayatollah say "He who
hast stolen my gold shall get a rapacious incursion that he will never,
e-e-e-e-e-e-eeeeeeeVER forget agayn!" Benoit's silent but violent. The
rules say one fall, one belt, triple threat rules for both. One could come
out double champ. One could walk out with one. One could be a big giant
loser and get squat.
WI: ****. Angle retains Euro, Jericho regains the InterChrisinental,
setting up a submission match for the IC at Backlash between him and Benoit.
Forgive me, workrate boner.
WT: Angle wins IC, but Benoit gets Euro, if the rumors are true that God's
gonna win and set up that tournament where Chris would obstinebly make the
finals. It doesn't really matter here-as long as these guys come to make the
donuts no choice is the wrong one.
{FATAL FOURWAY}[WORLD TITLE]: WELL IT'S THE BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR (w/Shane
O' Mac) v. THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP (w/Vinnie Mac) v. NO GIMMICKS NEEDED MICK GOD
FOLEY (w/Linda) v. THE GAME-UH(w/the box he came in, Yoko McHelmsley)
B: Show goes over Rock thanks to Shane at nWo, hHh retires Foley. OR SO THE
GERMANS WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE! Rock beats Show thanks to returning Vince,
Shane turns it into a triple threat, triple threat happens last Monday with
H prevailing, wherein Linda comes out and says, "Hey, guess who's coming
back for one night only?" The answer is NOT Koko B. Ware, by the way. This
match is now it.
WI: I called one guy God, so I think it's pretty safe to say I'd like him to
win.
WT: Foley wins! Foley wins! Foley wins! (Perhaps Austin or the UT come out
and jack him up) Cue sunset, Foo Fighters' "My Hero" and Vince turns on the
Rock reforming the Corp w/Shane to stop Steph.
Also, there'll be a hardcore battle royal. Tazz'll win.
Them is the picks. Your mileage may vary.
I'm outta like I stole!
Butch Rosser
Supreme Overlord for Life, Future Husbands of Jennifer Love Hewitt
President-Elect, Cabana Boys of Trish Stratus
Mail the Author