WORD FROM THE BUTCHSTER
Hello, fellow wrestling likers. Butch Rosser here, the 5th (or 6th) DX
member, the missing Dudley brother, and what the hell, at this time, I
announce myself the WCW World Television Champion. This is my first column,
so here's my gimmick: The EW guy has his top 15 things, and I have
mine--it's just wrestling-based and called "El Listo Del Fuego" to avoid
copyright infringement. So, if you're ready to follow, let me lead. I
should also add that this whole thing's a work, since I am the Chosen One.
Sorry.
15) **KURT ANGLE AMUSES ME**
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear the whining already. Whatta buncha Ryders. Angle
is f'n hilarious, in the Y2J family-friendly heel mode. The three I's
thing--how long until there's a T-shirt? Hell, I'd make him Euro champ,
have him rename it the American title, and people would boo him even more.
Too bad he's gonna make Blackman his biatch (sorry, CRZ). Hey, if this was
1980, maybe even 1990, all the marks would love him and asking "How long
until the title shot?"
14) **DAWN MARIE'S OUTFIT LAST WEEK**
Tammy who? She used to be a what?
13) **DIE BUZZKILL DIE**
Stop, oh God, make it stop! Brad Armstrong is a more than capable wrestler
who used to be Cruiserweight Champ (kids, ask your parents). Now, he's in
the shadow of his brother up north. I bet Christmas was REAL PLEASANT at
the Armstrong's. As Sean told us, "Gimmick infringement is almost
felonious."
12) **TEST, TORI.....WHA???**
What the damn hell is wrong with Tori? Why the hell hasn't Test gone crazy
since his woman left him? Why does this sound like a Batman promo from the
60's?. The Royal Rumble's got 'some splainin to do...
11) **HAVE A BAD DAY**
It was funny, IMNSHO. Of course, Lazarus was dead, he came back. Jesus
rose from the grave, only to turn heel....Come home, CJ, all is forgiven.
And get Triple the Blasphemer while you're at it.
10) **NITRO BACK TO TWO HOURS**
What have we learned, kids? The WWF came to WCW all right-WE WANT FLAIR!
WE WANT FLAIR! WE WANT FLAIR! It's candy everybody wants, Russo? So your
ratings are growning lazy! Use Flair to turn them on!
09) **THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER**
You mean the Presidents of the United States of America are back? BOOYEAH!
Oh, no, it's the nWo. Shit. Why don't we get Hogan to come back. Remember
on "Celebrity Deathmatch" when Manson killed Hanson & the Spice Girls? I
hope before the year ends, Benoit, Eddy, Kidman and the like do it to Hogan,
Sid, and the notagainWo.
08) **RVD SHOULD LOSE THE TITLE**
20 months, Paul. You realize most fans now have the attention spans of
four-year-old crackheads?? Let him lose to Sabu. The Awesome/Tanaka
musical chairs thing could be a opening for the master of the 4:20 splash to
get what we all think he deserves. His opponents are getting suckier since
the Lynn epics (Whipwreck, C.W. Anderson, Guido) so let the man drop it and
give him the big shiny one.
07) **STEPH IS HOT**
Yeah, all right, it's late 20 going on 14. So what? Steph pre-heel turn
was like grass, just there, sorta pretty depending on where you were, could
walk all over it. Now that she's hooked up with Triple the Blasphemy,
caliente mejor, ninos!! The "good girl gone bad"--either Vince WILL do
anything for ratings (I know mine have gone up) or he's away cause this is
hitting a little too close to home.
06) **SHOULDN'T ECW HAVE A CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE?**
The last place where WRESTLING lives. Blitzkrieg just got the S-can. And
you know Paul E. is messing himself trying to find us new ways to get Crazy
vs. Tajiri for the 1938th time. There's enough capable guys there to pull
it off. Just an idea. Word From the Butchster.
05) **TERRY FUNK IS COMMISH**
Funk is bringing out Arn AnderWE WANT FLAIR! WE WANT FLAIR! WE WANT FLAIR!
Or, down south of the border YO QUIERO FLAIR! YO QUIERO FLAIR!
04) **MIKE AWESOME, WELCOME TO HEEL-DOM**
So, Awesome won the title, and not knowing him stained the belt in the eyes
of a lot of ECDub fans. Plus, he was just kind of there. Good guy, bad
guy, who knew? 2nd Title reign and he puts everyone's favorite little guy
through a table and wallops his groupie? Sweeeet. That's how you turn
heel, and making him the champion who's been going through everyone
non-Tanaka is even better. I may have bashed Paul on a couple previous, but
this is one he got right.
03) **HOW THE HELL DID TOO COOL GET OVER?!?**
They only showed up once before GMS (figure it out) got hurt. Even with
their first appearances, not much. Add fat Samoan guy and now everyone's
saying they're pretty fly for some white guys and throwing their hands in
the air and waving them about as if there were no repurcussions. Meh. They
make me laugh, so it's O.K. But someone please teach S2H another move or 3.
He's doesn't dance badly, he's just overly caucasian.
02) **DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR, NEW WCW TAG TEAM CHAMPS**
Lifted directly from Adam Sandler: "Oh, somebody kill me please. Somebody,
KILL ME, please! I'M BEGGING ON MY KNEES! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE KILL ME!!!
I WANT TO DIE!! PUT A BULLET IN MY HEEEEEEEEAD!!"
Yeah, THIS is gonna turn the ratings tide. Turn it NEGATIVE, RUSSO, LORD
DUMBFUCK IF THE TITLES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING WHAT'S THE DAMN POINT! HELL, WHY
DON'T I TEAM UP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL!!! I'm better now, I swear I is....
01) **TWO INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONS?!?!**
Jerichoholics, where's the protesting? The rioting in the streets? The man
said it himself, "In case of a draw, the champ retains!!" IT'S A
CONSPIRACY!! SWEET HOLY NON-HEEL-TURNED-GOD, BOB RYDER WAS RIGHT!!! TURN ON
WCW INSTEAD AND WATCH VAMPIRO JOB TO MADUSA INSTEAD! Seriously, Steph
couldn't program a blowoff for the Rumble and kept it in limbo until then?
I think someone had too much Dom.....
Also recieving votes: PUSH JERRY LYNN, Henry/Harvey/Young/Moolah New Year's
Day/December romances, Mae Young should just stop with the bronco buster, Al
Snow is an effective heel, Hardys rule the free world, Jennifer Love Hewitt
removes restraining order, Smack!Down best new T.V. show.
Until next time, kids, I'm Butch Rosser, and I'm outta here like I stole
somethin'. Oh, and I want Flair too.
Butch Rosser
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