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BLAH |
This ain't your mother's wrestling column.
Today's episode: La demostración que cambió todo, otherwise known as Demi-God Reismark's highly extensive rant (read: It's not just the matches and the ratings, but the promos and backstage storylines and all those little extras that come in DVD packaging) of the 2000 Royal Rumble, the Show That Changed Everything. (Well, it didn't change everything, but it was definitely the most kick-ass show the Federation had put on in a *long* time.) I wanted to do Backlash 2000, my personal choice for PPV of the year, but unfortunately for those of you who are Backlash fans like myself, I have no VCR and the WWF hasn't released it on DVD. (You can bitch to them at wwfstore@wwf.com if you like.) Before I do that though, first I have to deal with the questions from the masses...
Where the **** have you been? I could go with a litany of all the shit I've had to deal with recently in my life, but I'll spare you it because of all the writing I still have to do for the actual stuff on the DVD. Basically it's this: Colleges have a little something called "winter break," and while it's a good thing because I get to see my family for once in a blue moon, awaiting me at home is a 1994 HP Pavilion, *fully loaded* with a 100mHz Pentium processor (we're talking the original Pentium here, not the III's which are pretty much both the standard & a necessity nowadays), a whopping 1 gigabyte hard drive, and an external 14.4 kbps modem, whose cost in 1994 would buy five 56K modems today and which hardly ever works. To top that all off, it's the Christmas season, and if you're spending your Christmas season online, there is something seriously wrong with your priorities. Anyways, if you've been watching the EZBoard & its horrible now-deceased (*thank god*) Valentine's Day scheme (massacres happened on Valentine's Day for a reason, you know), yes, I am back, though I probably won't be able to contribute as much to [slash] as I used to. Why? It's something called school. Get over it.
What's with the logo & the different HTML formatting? Are you ripping off Y Pac? Fact #1: I am not a monkey. Although you can see from the sorta-DXish logo above (BTW, the Federation has conceded defeat and changed wwfdx.com so that it has a historical perspective; thereby making it a little bit more obvious that it'll be back someday) that my graphic-making skills suck, I've always wanted to include something else other than the bland plaintext (with some CRZ HTML coding tossed on as a danish) in my columns. Unfortunately for the fans, I was under the impression that such was against the rules, because no one *had* ever done that, so as a result, up until this point, Y Pac has been the only one to do it. (This makes me somewhat of a donkey. However, since I'm a Democrat, that fits perfectly.) I am not trying to discredit Y Pac by dressing up my column. In fact, he should be revered for being the first to break through the chains of oppression! 
Are you going to continue to do fantasy booking? I sent you an e-mail challenging you to find a way to get Tiger Ali Singh over. Fact #2: Nothing, and I repeat, nothing will ever get Tiger Ali Singh over with the fans. He's too much of a hopeless case for guys like me. Yes, I do plan on continuing to do fantasy booking in future columns, much to the chagrin of the unnamed few who sent me e-mails consisting mostly of yawning. After all, I did issue you an open challenge, right? I've got all those e-mails stored up, and I will answer a bunch of them in the next column, unless your guy recently got tossed to the curb by the Federation. (That's for the guy who *pleaded* with me to find a way to save Naked Mideon.) I thought they were onto something with him, but I guess not...
Before I can continue, I must digress further and address a few things...
Hitmen update: The Hitmen kick off NBC's coverage of the XFL's inaugural season on the road in Las Vegas. The biggest star on the team? WR Andre Coleman, who for two years - get this - shared the record for the longest kickoff return in Super Bowl history. 98 yards for a touchdown against San Francisco in Super Bowl XXIX while with the one-hit wonder San Diego Chargers. Their coach, Rusty Tillman, is a special teams man. We should be cheering, because if there's any collective weak point in New York's football teams, it's special teams. They've also got ex-Giant Keith Elias, which is enough of a reason for me to root for them. I'll keep you guys appraised of my performance leading the Dudleyville Jerichoholics against the best the Apolyton Extreme Fantasy League on sandbox.com - click the link to make your own team - but there's a sense of the unknown here. What'll happen come Saturday?
Royal Rumble 2001 thoughts : Not bad. Four for six on my predictions, which consisted of the results of the tag team title match, the Intercontinental title match, and the WWF title match, plus Kane getting the Diesel push. Definitely the WWF's best show since Summerslam 2000, and almost as good as the show I'm about to review, but it can't touch the Backlash/Judgment Day combo. My boy Jericho finally got a win over Benoit at a PPV, and I, like many, doubted that these two would have another good one left in them after the Judgment Day-Summerslam stretch. Happily, our doubts were proven wrong as this was probably the best of the four 1-on-1 matches they've done since Backlash. Jericho, I promise that's the last time I'll ever doubt you. The Dudleys are finally the tag team champions again, and it looks like they're building to a rematch with Edge & Christian at No Way Out. Fine by me. (BTW, Kaientai is officially in that "zone" that Steve Austin has been in for the past four years. Despite anything these two do, they will be faces.) Happy as hell to see Kurt Angle walk out still the champion, because despite my qualms about him getting such a MEGAPUSH so early in his career, there was no way Triple H deserved to be champion right out of the blocks off of a second return from injury. On the Rumble: I was worried when Drew Carey was announced as a participant, but I was relieved when I saw Kane come out 'cause I knew then it would be *comedy.* The Honky Tonk Man song was insanely funny, as was watching him get destroyed by Kane. The Big Show still looks fat, but I can understand how all that weight loss might not be visible from three damned years of high school biology, unlike certain unnamed parties. (*cough* Scott Keith *cough*) I am all fired up for the feud with Chris Benoit, as it's a nice change of direction. Haku? I could care less. I don't like the fact that Austin won, because it all but eliminates the possibility of my dream Wrestlemania X-Seven main event, a Hell in the Cell match with Shawn Michaels. (That's the only logical match Michaels could do, according to the storylines.) You could have had The Rock win the Rumble, and have gone either way with it. Oh well. It's the Federation digging the holes, not me.
Finally, on with the rant...
Opening video package hypes the Triple H/Cactus Jack Street Fight for the WWF title. Curiously, it includes a lot of black-and-white footage of Mick Foley's days fighting in barbed wire rings. There's an extra video package in the special features section detailing Mick's transformation into Cactus Jack (probably one of the biggest markout moments ever for myself) and thus I'm biased towards the sheer awesomeness of the package.
Cue the PYRO and the hot crowd! We Are Live On DVD from the one & only World's Most Famous Arena, Madison Square Garden, in [dramatic pause] New York City. (Note the italics and be warned; this *will* be a recurring theme in tonight's rant.) It's January 23rd, 2000, and there seem to be more signs than fans in the crowd.
Opening match: The Whiny Olympic Bitch v. A Mystery Opponent. Kurt Angle's got THE STICK. "You know, I am very proud to be here tonight in Madison Square Garden. And in a building this famous, it deserves to have a true champion performing in it. And we all know if we wait for Patrick Ewing & the New York Knicks to bring home a title, we'd probably be waiting forever. We would, we would; it's true." Offhand note, Angle: 1 year later Ewing is wasting away in Seattle and the Knicks would be the class of the East if it wasn't for the Sixers. Knicks/Kings in the NBA Finals this year; you heard it here first. Back to Angle: "So tonight, even if it's just for one night, I have decided to be your champion. Now, concerning this so-called unnamed opponent... Hold up a second, please. Now I know you have to be pretty nervous coming out here and facing an undefeated American hero." A slightly audible "We Want Tazz" chant starts up here. "So what I want you to do, is take a nice deep breath, let it out, and remember this is something you can probably tell you grandkids about someday; it is." The crowd chant gets louder. "So what I want you to do is remember your three I's, come on out here, and give it your all!" Give the crowd a cookie - Angle's opponent is indeed Tazz, with bad-ass towel, operation-room music and all. If you listen closely, you'll notice Howard Finkel had mike trouble. Tazz beats up on Kurt to start, run to the ropes reversed by Angle but Tazz catches the top rope as Angle does the cheerleader split. Tazz backdrops Angle out. Hey, JR remembered to call him the Human Suplex Machine! Tazz tries a suplex on the floor, but Angle lands on his feet and hits one of his own. Back in the ring, Angle hits a running elbow, but it only gets one. That says something there. Whip into the turnbuckle, and Angle tries to choke Tazz out with his boot, but the ref stops him. That's damn hypocritical considering how he complained about the finish the next night. Belly-to-belly suplex, and Angle goes to the top rope, but Tazz manages to knock him off, catching Angle in the Olympic Jewels on the top turnbuckle. Belly-to-belly suplex off the second rope for Tazz, cover, but Angle gets his foot on the bottom rope before three. Tazz argues with the ref, and Angle takes advantage, catching Tazz in an inside cradle. It gets two. Clothesline and German suplex with a bridge get two for Angle. He signals for the Olympic Slam, but Tazz reverses into a German suplex of his own on his second attempt for two. Head-and-arm suplex, T-bone suplex, and the Tazzmission chokes out Angle for the win. (3:16 - hmmm) Too short for my tastes, but some damn good shit going on here. The crowd was into it too. Why didn't they cancel the swimsuit contest and have these two go at for about ten more minutes? ***
Angle does a stretcher job while Lawler screams the Tazzmission was a chokehold. It's a SLEEPER, you dolt.
Michael King Cole stands with the Hardy Boyz & Terri Runnels. Cole: "Well perhaps Kurt Angle won't be the only superstar helped out of Madison Square Garden tonight. Of course the Hardys are set to take on the Dudleys in the first-ever tag-team table match here tonight." Let Us Take You Back To RAW as we see Buh Buh Ray Dudley drive Matt Hardy through a table while Jeff Hardy was lying on it, and then Over To Smackdown where Jeff hits the legdrop on D-Von Dudley through a table OFF THE STAGE. Back to the gang of four as Terri speaks: "Mike, tonight we are going to go out there and tear the roof off of Madison Square Garden..." Jeff cuts her off. "Terri, no! You think we're going to let you go out there tonight? Do you realize how violent this is going to be? No." Matt: "Everyone knows the Dudleys are extreme. Everyone knows that the Dudleys are the master of putting people through tables. We weren't even supposed to be in the WWF, but we are. And tonight, we're going to put the Dudleys through tables, or we're gonna die trying."
Cut over to Tazz for his first promo. "You want a comment? You want a comment on what I just did to Kurt Angle? You want a comment on me choking out another victim?" Well, King, he confessed; you happy now? "Gold medal, my ass! My name is Tazz, and I am the Human Suplex Machine, and I'm going right through this company! That's my comment." In retrospect, this would have been so much better if it had actually rung true.
Double Tables match: The Third Commandment v. Insanity, Inc. WHERE'S THE DUDLEY PYRO? Buh Buh slaps Finkel around and takes the mike. "D-Von! Can you b-b-believe how ass-backwards the people in New York City are? You people actually cheer for those pretty-boy punks, the Hardy Boyz? But you have the nerve to boo a person; the greatest pitcher in the history of baseball; my new hero, John Rocker?" D-Von: "If you idiots were smart, you would elect John Rocker as your mayor so he can clean up this miserable city!" Buh Buh: "And as far as the Hardy Boyz are concerned, you might as well take your head, put it between your legs, and kiss your stinkin' asses goodbye!" Dudleys jump the Hardys - isn't it usually the other way around? BRING ON THE SPOTS! Duds take control quickly as Jeff eats a Buh Buh Bomb. Buh Buh goes for the tables, stacked against the barrier - I count six. First table is set up, and Buh Buh flips Jeff over, but Matt moves the table out of the way and DDT's Buh Buh. Buh Buh rolls out, and Jeff PLANCHAS him! In the ring, Matt sets up the table again while Jeff grabs a chair. Buh Buh blocks the chairshot and sends Jeff into the steps while D-Von stops the flip and tries a Last Ride-type powerbomb on Matt, who reverses it. Matt tries a suplex, but D-Von blocks and hits one of his own. Back outside, Buh Buh eats chair, and Jeff sets up a rail run by lying Buh Buh on a table that's only up on one side. Buh Buh gets off, however, and slams the table right into Jeff's face, and the table doesn't break. Ouch. Dudleys switch up, and Buh Buh sets up Matt on the table and goes to the top rope, but Matt lowblows him, and sets up a suplex, as Jeff comes over to make it a double one. Hardys hit the suplex, but D-Von moved the table out of the way. Replay of the aborted rail run. Matt goes to the outside, and it's LADDER TIME! Looks like one used for setting up the arena, as it's turquoise instead of the typical black. Gutshot to D-Von with the top, gutshot to Buh Buh with the side, clothesline to the face of D-Von with the side, and the same clothesline to Buh Buh, which sends him out of the ring. Matt goes out and chairs Buh Buh in the back, and then in the head after setting up another table. Buh Buh on the table, and the ladder set up, but D-Von sees it, heads out, and we've got a fistfight between D-Von and Matt on the ladder, won by Matt. Matt to the second rung, and hits a legdrop off the ladder through the table, as Jeff is hitting a flying elbow! (4:08) That draws the first "Holy Shit" chant of the night as D-Von eats chair. Replay of the double crash as the Hardys move the ringsteps. One table set on an angle, another as a bridge between the steel steps and the ring, and D-Von is set up on the second one as Buh Buh gives us that famous concussion-look shot. Matt to the top rope, but D-Von moves out of the way, and Matt goes through. Jeff tries the plancha again, but D-Von moves again, and Jeff goes through that other table. Neither is eliminated, sayeth the announcers, because the Dudleys didn't put them through. Okaay. Buh Buh gives Matt the chair as both Hardy misses are replayed. Dudleys toss the ringsteps in, and the table is opened and set on them. D-Von brings Matt over, and Buh Buh hits the powerslam through the table. (6:32) We're down to D-Von and Jeff. Matt is tossed out and the Dudleys beat the Hardys towards the balcony. Sound familiar? Matt eats chair, and D-Von continues to beat up on him as Buh Buh sets up two tables ON TOP OF EACH OTHER in the entryway, while Jeff crawls over and gets the chair. Low blow by D-Von to Matt, as ANOTHER TABLE is set up behind the two stacked ones. Oh dear, this can't be healthy. Dudleys set up MATT on the table. Hey guys, you eliminated him already. Jeez, the shots they took must've been harder than I thought. Jeff chairs D-Von, but Buh Buh blocks, takes, and uses it on Jeff. Buh Buh takes Jeff up into the crowd and up to the balcony. Buh Buh beats up Jeff with purple chairs and a table and steps up, but Jeff comes back with a low blow, one chairshot, two chairshot,
and that's enough to send Buh Buh over and down as Matt gets away. Interestingly enough, he went through the top table in the two-stack and the other one set up along it. Chair to D-Von by Matt, who then sets the other table up again. D-Von on the table, Jeff's shirt comes off, and the Swanton Bomb through the table ends it. Call it (10:18), as it took a few seconds for the bell to ring. Good match, but it can't even touch the insanity that was to begin at Wrestlemania. ***½
Matt carries Jeff back to the ring for the celebration. Replay of Buh Buh's fall and Jeff's swanton on D-Von as the Hardys leave to a standing ovation.
Moments Ago: An EMT checked Kurt Angle, who seemed to have no memory of the match. He asks the EMT if he won. All the EMT knows is that Angle was choked unconscious. Angle says that's illegal and gets pissed. He insists that he's still undefeated if Tazz choked him. We get the point, guys.
Your hosts are Oklahoma Jim Ross and The King. Lawler's still whining about Tazz choking Angle out. Considering the feud he and Tazz would have later in the year, maybe he was on to something. Finkel gets on the map, and it's the moment Lawler's been waiting for, and from a retrospective position, the moment as a recapper I've been dreading.
Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit contest: Our judges are Sgt. Slaughter, Tony Garea, Octogenarian #2, Johnny V., & Classy Freddy Blassy. And not surprisingly, the contestants are a bunch of rejects. Lawler makes a blowup doll joke about Finkel, and our first contestant is the Calvin Klein Reject. Ivory is scarfless (*thank God*) and doesn't look too thrilled. Shades of the RTC? Our soon-to-be Insanity Reject. Everyone's getting generic music, by the way, even Terri. The Marvelous Reject is out next in cowboy hat. Boy, Jacqueline sure got the last laugh on Marc Mero, didn't she? She ain't doing much, but at least she's still around. Some Reject with Initials for a Name is next with different music. What's up with B.B.'s hair? The Krusty The Clown Reject is fifth, and I can sort of understand why Luna eventually refused to participate: She was practically showing her swimsuit already. Finally, the Pornography Industry Reject is out, and Lawler gets all orgasmic over the word "kitty." Jeez, the joke is old. We get a shot of Conan O'Brien co-host Andy Richter and we are are told he's been added to the panel. Richter left that show, right? Maybe it was the forthcoming monstrosity that led him to do so.
Ivory's first, and has a turquoise two-piece, and ain't too thrilled. I guess turquoise is the color of the night. ** Terri's in... oh god, it's that suit she had at Summerslam 1996. I wasn't too thrilled with it on tape a few months ago, and still am not sold on it. She does a good job playing to the judges, however. **¾ Jacqueline's in a gold connected-two-piece which does a real good job of showing off her boobs and doesn't suit her at all. At least she tried to appeal to the judges with a horse ride. **¼ BB's in blue & pink, and I can vibe with that. She still needs to do something about her hair though. ***¼ Luna refuses to participate, and I can't transcribe what she says because she sounds too much like Golga. Eh, we got a good look at it anyways. DUD Jerry gets all orgasmic again, and the Kat's in... my god, bubble wrap. Innovation always gets you the win, in my book. No wonder Jerry eventually decided to marry this one. The makeup she wears lately doesn't help her, though. ***¾
The piano plays, and the moment I've dreaded has arrived as Octogenarian #1 is out. Please forgive me if I miss anything here; I will be blindfolding myself at a specific moment. Mae says the contest isn't over; she's in it too. That's it, I'm putting the blindfold and the earplugs in NOW.
By the time I'm brave enough to uncover my eyes, my new hero, Mark Henry, is trying to cover Mae up. But it's during the struggle; I was too early. I cover up again before we see them though.
Apparantly I missed Jerry announcing Mae as the winner, because by the time I unblock my eyes again, we're getting a look at WWF New York. WHEW! I'm not scarred for life like the guys who ordered the PPV initially, and every one of those fans in the arena. THAT is something they can do without. Earplugs are out so I can listen and transcribe what the Coach is saying, but I won't because he's just hyping the restaurant and I can't hear him too well over the shouts of the fans there anyway.
We catch Chris Jericho & Chyna chatting backstage. Y2J: "Chyna, relax; all I want you to do is snap my belt around my waist so I can wear it out to the ring tonight... Chyna cuts him off. "Why don't you be chivalrous and let ME wear the belt out for a change?" Y2J: "Chivalrous? What do you think this is, medieval times?" Earl Hebner comes in to settle it, deciding that he'll just take the belt with him instead. Neither is too thrilled, and Jericho can't decide whether it's Earl or his twin brother. More child-like bickering between the two. Considering what happened in the next few weeks, it's amazing there was even a turn to consider when Chyna hooked up with Eddie Guerrero in April.
Kurt Angle speaks: "About the match, they say I lose; well I remain undefeated because I was choked out illegally. I didn't tap out, and I wasn't pinned. Therefore, your Olympic Hero is still undefeated." Jeez, enough with this already.
WWF gives us the "trained professionals" spiel. Eh. I guess some things are still required.
Triple Threat match, Intercontinental title: Spark Plugg v. The Gynophobia Patient v. God. I'll explain the Chyna reference in due time. I hate it when Finkel uses nicknames in his introductions, as he does for Chyna here. Of course, your God and mine gets the loudest pop of the three as Jericho is out last, and I take back what I just said about Finkel, because he has the class to use Jericho's too. Y2J with THE STICK: "All right, New York City! Welcome to MADISON SQUARE JERICHO! And after tonight, when I become the TRUE undisputed Intercontinental champion, the Jerichoholics of the Big Apple will throw a celebration party that'll make the millennium bash in Times Square look like my sister's 7th birthday party! It'll be a celebration so huge, so grandiose, so spectacular, that it will never... EEEEEEEEVER be forgotten again!" I don't normally rib God, but shouldn't he know that something can't be forgotten a second time if it hasn't happened yet? The announcers shill the greatness of the woman who's afraid of women. (That's what gynophobia means, if you haven't figured it out yet.) Circling, and Holly shoves Chyna in the face to the ground, and runs Jericho into the ropes, but Y2J reverses into a hiplock takedown. Holly rakes the eyes, and Jericho comes back with a slap. Chyna gets into it, and we have... a MALE CATFIGHT! Yeech. Knees and elbows by Chyna for Holly in the corner, and Chyna tries a whip into the other corner, but Holly reverses. Smartly, Chyna grabs the top rope, sending her over and out before she hits the turnbuckle! Knees and a weak elbow by Jericho for Holly, and a whip is reversed into a bodypress. Various whips against the ropes are dodged, and FINALLY Holly catches Jericho with The Best Dropkick In The Business. Punch, punch, whip to the ropes, missed hook, and Jericho catches Holly with a flying forearm for two. Chops are exchanged - jeez, Chyna's getting a long breather here - Jericho in the corner, whip to the other corner is reversed, but Holly catches Jericho with the boot. Holly tries a legtoss, but Jericho catches it, Walls of Jericho - ah, there's Chyna to break that up. Punch, punch, whip to the ropes, clothesline. Holly takes the cover, but Chyna breaks it up before two. Chyna clotheslines Hardcore out, but falls prey to a Y2J gutshot. Whip to the ropes is reversed, Jericho ducks a clothesline but gets caught by Hardcore at the feet; Chyna goes for a baseball slide but Jericho moves, and she hits Holly! They brawl, Jericho sees his opportunity and goes for the springboard leap, but only catches Holly. Chyna sends Jericho into the ringsteps, and then back in the ring. Jericho stumbles in the corner, allowing Chyna to nail the handspring elbow. Gutshot and DDT, but Holly breaks up the count. Chyna is tossed out, and Jericho is sent into the ropes. Clothesline misses, but Chyna grabs the top rope, sending Jericho over and out. Holly then proceeds to knock Chyna off the apron. Outside, Holly grabs a chair and goes for Chyna's head, but Jericho stops him. Holly hits a gutshot and goes for it again, but Chyna was ready this time and dropkicks the chair in his face. Holly is tossed back in the ring, and BOTH CHYNA AND JERICHO climb to the top rope. Both bodyslams land, and BOTH cover in different places, but we are spared the cop-out ending as Holly kicks out at two. Slugfest between Jericho and Chyna, won by Chyna. She misses a clothesline, and Jericho hits a suplex, but Chyna lands on her feet and lowblows him, forcing him to roll out of the ring. The ref misses it, however, as he's checking on a crawling Hardcore. Gutshot for Hardcore, and the Pedigree lands, but Holly kicks out at two. Chyna climbs the ropes, but Hardcore gets underneath, and Chyna rides Holly's shoulders for a bit. Jericho is back up, on the top rope, and hits a flying crossbody on Chyna while she's still on Holly's shoulders, knocking both down! Cover, but Chyna gets the shoulder up at two. Big boot by Holly to Jericho. Holly climbs the ropes, but Jericho is there with the gutshot, and he sets up a suplex off the top rope. Chyna however, is there to knock the top rope, sending both guys' jewels into the turnbuckle, and Jericho out. She tries to steal the suplex, but Holly recovers and counters into a superplex for two. Holly hammers away on Jericho on the apron while CHYNA gets a chair. The ref breaks it up and Holly turns back into the ring to eat chair from Chyna, missed by the ref because he was checking on Jericho. Chair is tossed out, and Chyna tries... a Walls of Jericho! That says something there. JR calls it a "Boston Crab move" - jeez, can't you say she's stealing God's move? Or is she too much of a groundbreaker for you guys? Jericho nails her with a bulldog from behind, Lionsault, and YOUR GOD AND MINE is the UNDISPUTED Intercontinental champion. (7:30) See, now why couldn't they have canceled the swimsuit competition and given some time to this and Angle/Tazz? Good match, though the crowd was eerily quiet for a lot of it. ***¼
Replay of Chyna's "Boston Crab," Jericho's bulldog and Lionsault. The King recognized it for what it was worth. YES! Anyways Chyna's got this weird smile on her face while doing the Walls - jeez Joanie, can't you act any better than THAT?
Michael Cole stands in the awesome presence of The Rock. Cole: "Tonight, you and 29 other guys are going to go into that match and..." Rock silences him with the hand. We pause to listen to the "Rocky" chant. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to New York City!" Back to Cole: "Rock, tonight you and 29 other superstars will be in that ring for the Royal Rumble match, and you have a bulls-eye on your chest. Is there any superstar you may be concerned with?" Rock: "Well the Rock says this, there are two WWF superstars who the Rock has a concern with. There are two who might give the Rock problems. Number One is gonna be... Crash Holly. Number Two is gonna be... Headbanger Mosh." Well, Rock, at least one of them you didn't have to worry about. You took care of the other. Back to Rock: "And the Rock says that if he can get by those two, then he might have a shot at winning the Royal Rumble." Cole: "Uh Rock, with uh, with all due respect, shouldn't you be a little bit more concerned with, say, the Big Show?" Rock: "Well the Rock says this, you should be concerned with fixing yourself a nice, tall glass of SHUT UP JUICE! Fix it!" And Cole makes his cowardly departure. "The Rock says this, Big Show, do you actually THINK you're going to win the Royal Rumble? Do you actually THINK that you're going to take The Great One and throw him over the top rope? Do you actually THINK that you're going on to Wrestlemania and becoming the WWF Champion? Well the Rock says this... he wipes a monkey's ass with what you think! Big Show, the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there in the middle of the People's Ring, Royal Rumble, the Rock's music is gonna hit, IF YA SMELLLL, and 20,000 Rock fans all stand on their feet, goosebumps on their arms, electricity going through their body; the Rock says this, as God as the Rock's witness, he hopes, he prays, that you, Big Show, and the Rock are the last two in the ring. So the Rock thinks, no, he KNOWS, NO, the Rock GUARAN-DAMN-TEES to win the Royal Rumble right here in New York City! And the Rock says this, Big Show, just as sure as the Rock is without a shadow of a doubt, THE BEST that ever was, the Rock says, as sure as the Rock has the Brahma Bull tattooed on his arm, is as sure as the Rock is going to Wrestlemania, and becoming without a shadow of a doubt, the best damned WWF Champion that ever was; IF YA SMELLLLLLLALALALOW what the Rock is cookin'."
Jericho Speaks in what is apparantly a video-only thing (and if it is, the Tazz & Angle addresses were also): "Jerichoholics of the world watching right now, I'm not gonna lie to you; I'm gonna be 100% honest with you. I could come out here and make up claims that this was an easy match for Y2J, I could make up claims that this was a cakewalk; it definitely wasn't. It was a very draining, a very physical, very grueling and challenging match, but once again, as I've shown all the Jerichoholics in the past, the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah came out on top to become undisputed Intercontinental champion. Not that there was any doubt in anybody's mind, except for Stephanie McMahon and the rest of the conspirators here in the World Wrestling Federation. But all the mouths are closed, all the doubts have been erased, because Y2J is now gonna lead all of the Jerichoholics, like some kind of a crazy Pied Piper, into the promised land, holding up the InterChristental championship belt for everyone to see, daddio."
Video package of the feud between the New Age Outlaws and the Acolytes. It's not much of a feud, considering it only started over a tag team battle royale the APA won, but the bar room footage isn't all that bad. I could really care less about this match, however. The pre-match "war shot" includes a picture of the Acolytes with Ministry tattoos, plus a short haircut for Bradshaw. I wonder if the TV audience will recognize him tonight because of that.
Tag Team titles: The Old Era Model Citizens v. How Many Times Have We Been Pushed? The champions are out first, because they CAN. Complete idiots as they are, the Outlaws play to the crowd as usual. Hey guys, you're supposed to be heels here. Billy's a little scared by Road Dogg's water-tossing as the Outlaws come out. For the miniscule amount of uninitiated out there, here's the spiel. Road Dogg: "New York City, we're about to kick this shit ninny!" (Disclaimer: I am not responsible for errors of any kind in translating promos of any kind.) "Let's see if we can't make a little noise up in the..." and the crowd says something I can't make out. Now we get to the familiar stuff. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! D-Generation X proudly brings to you, its WWF Tag Team Champions of the Worrrrlllld... the Road Dogg Jesse James, the Badd Ass Billy Gunn; the New Age Outlaws!!" The One & Only Billy Gunn: "And of course, if you're not down with that, we got two words for ya!" And he lets the crowd say "Suck It!" Guys, you're HEELS. Quit playing to the damn crowd. Acolytes are in a hurry as they starting pounding on the two before Finkel can even introduce them. Billy and Dogg eat stairs and pole, respectively. In the ring, Bradshaw reverses a whip, but Billy ducks the powerbomb setup and hits a dropkick. Bradshaw picks Billy up, knocks Road Dogg down with the big boot while holding him and hits a fallaway slam. Road Dogg into the corner, tag to Bradshaw, and Faarooq starts beating him up. Look, it's Ricky Morton! Road Dogg counters a press slam in the corner with the big boot, but Faarooq follows with a scoop slam. He teases imitating the WOBBLY KNEES OF DEATH, but instead tries to set up the Dominator. Billy pulls Road Dogg down, and Faarooq clotheslines both of them for their trouble. Gutshot to Faarooq by the Dogg, and we get regular punches and the DANCING PUNCH OF DOOM. Dogg goes for the WOBBLY KNEES OF DEATH, but Bradshaw rakes him in the face to stop that. Billy in, whips Bradshaw to the corner, but the stinger splash misses and Bradshaw nails the Clothesline from Hell. Spinebuster for Dogg by Faarooq, cover, but Billy drags the ref outside at two. Bradshaw punches out Gunn, but takes the ref with him. Tandem powerbomb on the Dogg, cover, but the ref is out. Ah hell, here's X-Pac for the screwjob ending. Spinning heel kick to Bradshaw, but Faarooq catches him with a spinebuster. Faarooq goes to get the Dogg, but Billy nails Bradshaw with the Fameasser, and the ref returns to life in time for the three-count. (2:37) And yes CRZ, I know, neither Billy nor Bradshaw were the legal men. Thank god they kept this one short, because from a booking perspective it made no sense, and the match sucked too. ¾
More EXCLUSIVE HOME VIDEO footage as the Dogg speaks AGAIN: "You see it's me, it's me, it's that D-O-double-G, and you can't even see that B-A-double-D, 'cause we just got our A-double-crooked-letter handed to us in MSG. But we beat the Acolytes 1-2-3, and as you can see, we'd still be the C-H-A-M-P."
Triple H/Cactus Jack promo spotlighting Mick Foley's transformation. (It's the one I mentioned earlier in the show.) BEST DAMNED VIDEO PACKAGE THE WWF HAS EVER DONE. Best quote, from Cactus: "What I am is one big son of a bitch." The look on Triple H's face when Mick transforms is priceless.
Street Fight, WWF title: Cactus Jack v. Monopoly (with the Flithiest, Dirtiest, Most Disgusting, Skankiest, Brutal, Bottom-Feeding Trashbag Ho That God Has Ever Seen) I can't disrepect Mike Foley by renaming him. Cactus is quite probably the coolest character ever in the history of wrestling. Trip & Stephanie exchange some love, then Steph heads to the back. Coward. Staredown, and a slugfest starts things off, as Cactus & Trip switch momentum off and on in the corner. Trip slides out eventually, and Cactus baseball slides out and hits a neckbreaker. "Cactus Jack" chant as Trip tries to slowly climb back in. I say "tries" because Cactus nails his head with a legdrop as he makes his attempt. Cactus back out, and slams Trip's head into the steel steps, then onto the ringbell, hard enough to make it vibrate. Trip corrals it though and slams Jack with it. A chair and Trip go in the ring, and Trip tempts Cactus to try and disarm him. It takes a while, but he's eventually able to slam Jack with the chair. Trip starts to unwrap the turnbuckle but sees Cactus revive and is caught with a clothesline. Cactus puts the chair on Trip's head, and hits a legdrop on it for two. The initial chairshot gets a replay. Punches from Jack, and Trip escapes to the outside. Trip catches Jack with a flying elbow and slams his face into the barrier, but Cactus manages to backdrop him over. Jack chases Trip through the crowd, and eventually catches him in the entrance "alleyway," sending him face first into a pile of bricks. He sets up two wooden pallets, and Trip gets suplexed into them, followed by a shot to the head with a trash can. 2 whips into the door, and more pounding against its steel by Jack. No blood yet, by the way. Mild "Foley" chant. Cactus starts to bring Trip back to the ring, but loses control and is suplexed into the trash can. He regains control, however, and starts slamming Trip's head into the steps again. Punches, and Cactus with a wicked running knee into Trip's head, sandwiching it with the steps. "Bang Bang!" from Cactus and a local "Cactus Jack" chant as we replay Jack getting suplexed into the trash can, and the knee. Triple H rolls back in the ring, and Cactus heads under the ring for his favorite toy: the barbed-wire 2x4. The ref tries to stop Cactus, and that lets Trip prevent the swing with a gutshot, and corral the 2x4. Cactus takes it in the gut, in the back, two times each. It's at this point I notice that Trip's bandaged left leg is busted open hardway. JR gets all scientific with us as Trip goes to finish him off, but Cactus gets him with a right hand and uses the 2x4 in a low blow. (And no, the barbed wire didn't go up there, before you ask.) Earl steals the 2x4 and sends it over to the Spanish table. Crowd boos that as Cactus hits a DDT. Cover, but it only gets two because Earl was still telling the Spanish guy what to do. Cactus wants the 2x4, and makes Earl tell him where it is, but Cactus has to take out one of the Spanish announcers to get it. Scott, I know it's a different bat, but I've looked and looked, and I can't tell the difference in the barbed wire. Cactus threatens Earl with it, and Trip goes for the splash, but Cactus moves and Earl takes it. Shot to the face of Trip with the barbed wire, and a running slam with it, and Trip is busted wide open. It gets two. We get a closeup of Trip and the blood is really flowing. I'll judge it Muta-style later. Another shot to the face with the 2x4, and Trip tries to roll outside, but Cactus catches him and grates his face with the 2x4. Cactus carries Trip around the ring and slaps him at will, and it seriously looks like Trip's blade job has hit 0.6 Muta at this point. Face slam onto the announcers' table, and Cactus tries the piledriver, but Trip reverses, backflipping Cactus through the table and sending both down. Trip makes his escape as we replay the backflip and the "Foley" chant starts up again. Back in the ring, Jack gets punches and a gutshot, but he reverses the Pedigree into a catapult into the turnbuckle. Now I can only imagine how much worse Trip would have been had he gotten that turnbuckle padding off. Bulldog by Cactus into the barbed wire, but Trip won't stay down. Trip is up to 0.8 Muta now, and Cactus clotheslines both of them out. Cactus makes a run for Trip, but Trip hipdrops him into the steel steps. That looked VICIOUS. Trip whips Cactus into the steps, sending him over them and Jack takes a vicious shot to the knee. Replay of the two bumps as Trip takes out Cactus' knee. Back in the ring, Trip takes out Cactus' knee again as he tries to climb in. 2x4 in hand, and Trip delivers two shots with it to Cactus' knee. Trip heads out and grabs a bag from Finkel, which contains... handcuffs. Visions of 1999 are flooding my mind. He gets one cuff on, but not the other, and Cactus delivers a few shots to the head of Trip with it. Trip however, goes back to the knee, which gives him enough to get them on fully. Punches for Jack, and Trip heads out and brings the ringsteps in. He goes to slam Jack in the face with them, but Cactus slides and Trip ends up taking them in the face. Big boot by Cactus, and he manages to hit a low blow with his shoulder. Cactus crawls over, and in the coolest thing so far, proceeds to BITE Triple H's face. Sorta reminds you of Iron Mike, doesn't it? Trip recovers and hits the clothesline though. Gutshot with the chair, and Trip hits him with the chair in the back, breaking the backrest of the chair. Another shot to Cactus' back sends the backrest flying out of the ring, and Cactus rolls after it. He makes his way down the entryway as Trip gives chase with the chair, and Cactus takes it in the face again. Cactus taunts Trip however, and distracts him enough for the Rock to come out and hit Trip with his own chair! A cop follows Rock out soon after, and the handcuffs get unlocked. Cactus advances on Trip, punches him back towards the ring, slams his face onto the Spanish table, and sets him up there. The piledriver hits this time, but the table DOESN'T BREAK. Ouch. At least they didn't break Scott's first rule and repeat the spot, god forbid it dives in the ratings a bit. Replay of the taunting and subsequent Rock chairshot as Cactus rolls Trip back in the ring. Then, Jack heads under the ring for his second favorite toy: the bag of thumbtacks. Hmmmm. This didn't go over too well in Hell in a Cell II, ya know. NOW Stephanie makes her way out again, trying to stop Jack from putting Trip in the tacks. Punches, and Jack goes for the kill, but gets backdropped into the tacks. Yep, it's the HitCII ending. Gutshot and Pedigree gets two, to Trip's shock and the fans'. Huge "Foley" chant, but Cactus gets another gutshot and Pedigree, this time right onto the tacks. 1-2-3. Damn. (26:50) An amazing, brutal, suicidial instant classic, the same thing Scott said about the No Mercy 1999 ladder match. You didn't open a can of worms with this one, because Trip and Mick deserved every bit of this rating. *****
Post-match festivities see Trip do a stretcher job, but Cactus corral the stretcher, and take Trip back to the ring for one more shot to the face with the barbed wire, followed by a staredown with Stephanie. Note to the WWF: If you wanted to do it right, you should have had Cactus put Trip in the tacks like he was trying to do. A slight error in the DVD, I think, as Cactus's exit seems to be edited out as there's a skip in his music as we cut back over to JR and the King.
We go back to the Coach in WWF New York who interviews Linda McMahon, who refuses to comment on Stephanie's actions and insists that despite the efforts of the McMahon-Helmsley Reign of Terror, that the WWF will still be run the "McMahon way." Now I understand why smarts think she's so horrible on the stick: relying on overused cliches to get you through.
Howard Finkel explains the rules for the Rumble to the fans while the staff cleans up the blood and thumbtacks. To kill some more time, we get a replay of the ending to the 1995 Rumble (where Shawn Michaels won after only allowing one of his feet to touch the ground) as JR shills the importance of the "both feet touching the floor" rule. Sorta gives away the eventual resolution to this, doesn't it?
Royal Rumble 2000: I Can't Get Respect draws #1, and the Son of the King is #2. Grandmaster Sexay wants to dance, but D'Lo's about business and gets to the attack. Whip into the ropes, but Sexay slides, he whips, dropkick. The shirt comes off. Headtoss, but D'Lo kicks him away, and hits a dropkick of his own. D'Lo tries a Last Ride powerbomb, but Sexay counters. That's TWICE tonight the WWF has weakened Undertaker's future finisher. Scoop slam, headtoss, and a flying dropkick to the head off the second rope for the Grandmaster. He throws D'Lo out, but D'Lo hangs onto the top rope and manages to crawl back in. The Departed Headbanger is #3. For the record, I will be keeping track of how many times the King changes his prediction tonight. Mosh is wearing some hideous boob-looking brushes on his chest. Beatdown on Grandmaster, and the Japanese Comic Relief Troupe makes its first run-in of the night. Kaientai is disposed of in short order. Mosh whips D'Lo into Sexay in the corner, and backhits both there. Clothesline for D'Lo, kicks for Sexay. D'Lo reverses a whip, and nails a powerbomb. Sexay bulldogs D'Lo onto Mosh's legs as the boobs come off. Mosh seems to have legitimately hurt his ankle. D'Lo reverses a suplex into one of his own, and Ted is #4. Mosh greets Christian, who reverses a whip, is caught telegraphing the backflip, then reverses a Mosh powerbomb attempt into what looks like a Twist of Fate. Christian ties up Sexay in the corner, and tries the "leg on top rope" trick as D'Lo is doing the same to Mosh on the other side. Whip by Christian into the other corner, but Sexay catches Christian with the big boot. Sexay hits a suplex as Mosh tries to get D'Lo out. He tries it on Sexay when that doesn't work, and ends up being carried into the turnbuckle for his trouble. Lots of standing around as we build up to Diesel Push Alert at #5, with the big pop. Rikishi stares his prey down in the ring. Rikishikick, goodbye Mosh. (5:18) Belly-to-belly suplex, goodbye Christian. (5:32) D'Lo gutshots Rikishi and hits a neckbreaker & the legdrop, but Rikishi shrugs it off, Rikishi Driver, goodbye D'Lo. (6:09) Staredown with Grandmaster, and The Worm is #6, who has Rikishi's glasses. You're telling me... yep, Too Cool fires up the crowd and it's time to dim the lights, because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! (Sorry CRZ, but I just had to use it.) We get a Worm out of Scotty before Rikishi clotheslines both guys and tosses them out. (7:46) Rikishi assures them it's just business, and Too Cool fires up the crowd again as Rikishi finishes the number solo. Mr. Party Time is #7, but that ain't such a lucky number 'cause we're in the middle of the Diesel Push. Series of kicks put Rikishi down. "Blackman Sucks" chant as Rikishi ducks the clothesline and catches his opponent with the Rikishi Driver, goodbye Blackman. (9:27) King Mabel is #8, and Viscera looks as hideous as ever. Thank god they got rid of him. Staredown and slugfest, won by Rikishi, but he tries Rock's Layeth The Smackdown punch and Viscera counters with a belly-to-belly suplex. LEGDROP OF DOOM, and Big Vis sets up Rikishi in the corner. King says whoever survives among these two will be the eventual winner. Stinger splash on Rikishi, and Viscera beats him down with some kicks. He tries another splash, but finds turnbuckle. 3 Rikishikicks, and a clothesline with a little pushing are enough to get Vis over and out, and boy he is pissed. (11:58) Billy Club Fetish is #9, and Bossman does the smart thing as he teases getting in the ring a couple of times but never does, until The Jilted Lover at #10 catches him from behind. Punches, but Bossman reverses the whip, sending Test into the ringpole. Powerbomb attempt reversed into a backdrop, and Test uses his shirt to choke the Bossman. Back in the ring, Rikishi headbutts Bossman but Test catches Rikishi from behind with punches and the footchoke. Bossman hits a low blow on Test, but Rikishi is able to hit one of his own on Bossman. Test in the corner, but Bossman is over to stop Rikishi and switches punches between his two opponents. The Original Road Dogg is #11 as Bossman chokes Rikishi. British Bulldog over to pound on Test, then switches to Rikishi, who quickly takes advantage while Bossman & Test pair up. Whip into the corner and big boot by Test. They do the "force over/grab the ropes spot that I'm sure we'll see a million times tonight. On the other side, Rikishi goes for a Banzai Drop, but Bulldog counters with a low blow. Bossman tries to lift Test out, while Bulldog does the same to Rikishi. That's SO next to impossible, Davey. Test breaks free and gets the footchoke, as Bulldog finally stops trying. We stall a little more until Dracula's Nephew is in at #12, with abbreviated blood-spewing ceremony and all. Gangrel is double-teamed by Bossman and Test, as Kaientai makes their second appearance of the night. Both are disposed of quickly, and Taka takes a sick bump to the head on the way out that becomes the King's running obsession of the night. Footchoke on Gangrel by Test broken up by Bossman. Rikishi watches the other four duke it out from the other side, then hits a backslam on both Gangrel & Test as Bossman cripples Bulldog with a low blow. We see the first replay of Taka's head bump, and it won't be the last. Gangrel & Test double-team Rikishi, while Bossman punches out Bulldog while sitting on the top rope. Gangrel gets some shots in on Bulldog as Bill is #13 to a huge female pop, from the entryway. Big brawl in the corner until Rikishi isolates Bossman on the other side, and Bulldog quickly has Edge in trouble. A rake to the face saves him. Gangrel tries to take advantage, but eats turnbuckle. Rikishi sets up the Banzai Drop on Bossman, and it hits this time. Bulldog runs some headbutts into Rikishi's stomach, and Gangrel comes over to help Bulldog get Rikishi out, again unsuccessfully, because Bossman stops them and hits Rikishi with a low blow. Replay #2 of Taka's bump. More stalling, and... oh my god, Mr. Bob Backlund is #14. Bossman holds Backlund for everyone to beat up on, then goes to a chokehold. Rikishi is whipped into Backlund's corner, and all of a sudden everyone gets smart as the other six men gang up on Rikishi and dump him out. (21:27) Crowd doesn't appreciate that. King changes his prediction by saying he told JR Rikishi wasn't going to win. Bulldog and Bossman team up on Backlund while Edge tries to force Gangrel out. Test over to stop that, and now Edge in trouble, as well as Backlund. Now BACKLUND & Bossman team up on Bulldog while Test takes a breather. More stalling, and GOD is #15. Jericho heads for Edge but Bulldog catches him from behind as Backlund hits a low knee on Gangrel. He celebrates too much though, as Jericho hits Backlund with a dropkick from behind to send him sprawling out. YEAH! (23:04) He then goes to work on Edge while Bossman & Test catch their breath. Those two rejoin the fray as Backlund leaves through the crowd, presumably to continue his campaigning. You're in NEW YORK, you idiot. Gangrel gives Bulldog some of his own medicine as Edge saves himself AGAIN. The Midget Doctor is #16 as I groan. Crash looks too much like a little kid. Bulldog and Edge team up on him, and my suspicions about Crash's age are confirmed as he receives a kiddie spanking from Edge. Bulldog and Crash then team up on Edge as Gangrel goes to unwrap the turnbuckle padding but is stopped by Test. Edge saves himself with a low blow to the Bulldog, and some more stalling ensues until... The Gynophobia Patient is #17. Well, I might as well say goodbye to Jericho now, since she's beating him up. And soon enough, Chyna is backdropped to the outside by Jericho, but manages to stay on the apron by grabbing the rope, and then suplexes Jericho over and out. (26:37) But, then is immediately ELBOWED to the ground by Bossman! (26:40) I don't know about you, but my respect for Bossman went up a little bit there. Bossman steps all over poor Crash as we replay the Chyna/Jericho exchange. Bossman is now King's original pick. (1 change) The Nation of Domination Reject is #18, and is immediately followed by the Greenwich Gang of Traumatophobiacs? Mean Street Posse puts somewhat of a beating on Faarooq, allowing Bossman to toss him out. (27:53) My guess is we'll see them again when Bradshaw comes out later. Double hiptoss by Edge & Test on Crash, followed by Gangrel's elbow. Crowd is standing but is very quiet. Gangrel & Bulldog double-team Crash, and Ricky Morton is #19. The crowd does the introduction for him. Road Dogg nailed low by Test. "We Want Rocky" chant. Gangrel and Bulldog team up briefly on Edge, but Gangrel decides to headbutt Bulldog instead. Bossman throws Crash out, but he manages to hit the apron and roll back in. More choking as Help Me is #20, and the crowd gets even more restless. Al has his weird techno music, and goes for Crash. See what I said about Crash being the little one? Blink and you'll miss Road Dogg tossing Bulldog out, because the focus was on Snow just a split second before. (30:55) Snow chokes Test, Edge chokes Crash, and Road Dogg adapts a strategy which I absolutely love: cradling the bottom rope and hanging on for dear life. Edge hits what looks like a Lou Thesz press on the Bossman, and we get more stalling until the current Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man's arrival at #21. Val heads for Test as Funaki makes his third entrance, and subsequent quick exit, of the night, as JR tells us Taka was taken to the hospital. Lots of brawling, with Edge & Val teaming up on Test, and ah, THERE's the third replay of Taka's bump. Road Dogg leaves his position to get a few shots in on the Bossman. Snow fends off Edge & Val, and The Artist Formerly Known As Monaco is #22. Albert goes for Gangrel as Val backdrops Edge out, with Snow's help. (33:54) Bossman takes a few shots on Albert, and Test joins in the fun. Albert takes control however and knocks Bossman down in the corner. Crash has the guts to challenge Albert, and gets powerbombed for his trouble. More brawling and stalling, and Spark Plugg is #23. Hardcore goes for - who else? - Test, as Bossman drags Road Dogg away from his death grip. Gangrel picks up where Hardcore leaves off. Snow throws Crash out, but Crash saves himself AGAIN. Slight isolated "Asshole" chant. For the first time tonight, the crowd doesn't seem to be into the countdown, but the roof literally EXPLODES off the Garden as Like Chevrolet is #24. To Bossman, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, LAYETH THE SMACKDOWN, goodbye Bossman. (37:11) Snow goes after Rock, not surprisingly, then switches off with Val. Test joins Val, but they can't get Rock over, and they concede to Hardcore. Rock overcomes though and gets control of Holly, and The One & Only is #25, and Billy Gunn goes straight for Rock. Must've remembered that embarassing Summerslam loss. Road Dogg finally gives up the grip and goes after Hardcore. Crash challenges Rock, eats DDT, and is tossed out. NO MIRACLES THIS TIME! (39:22) Albert thwarts a Hardcore/Snow team on the Rock, and Snow goes for the Road Dogg, who's fallen back on the death grip again. Rocky nails Albert with a low blow, and Well It's A Big Show is #26. Big Show is now King's pick. (2 changes) Rock over to greet Show, but Albert takes him from behind, and Big Show kicks Test out (40:44) and throws Gangrel out right after him. (40:49) Headbutts for Val and Snow, and Show goes to work on Rock. Replay of Show's two eliminations. Hardcore eats a gorilla slam. Why didn't you just toss him out? Oh wait, right, that comes later. The Brawl for All Reject is #27, and not surprisingly the Posse is back out right after him. Bradshaw's ready though and tosses all 3 out, but it's enough of a distraction to allow the Outlaws to toss him out. (42:22) Faarooq comes back out and a big brawl breaks out between the Posse & the Acolytes. Albert has some kind of ace bandage around his neck, and he uses it to choke Val. Rock tossed out, but he manages to crawl back in. OH MY GOD IT'S KANE is #28, and Tori's with him. She goes to the back as King changes his pick to Kane. (3 changes) Val over to greet Kane, and gets choketossed over and out for his troubles. (44:00) Kane over to free Road Dogg, but Rock wants a piece of him. Kane reverses, but Albert wants Kane. Whip and a wicked clothesline for Holly by Rock, and Show gives Gunn a gorilla slam as Marlon Brando is #29 with the hos. King REALLY likes the Godfather. (4 changes) Blink and you'll miss Kane clotheslining Albert out. (45:13) We get a shot of one of the hos tripping. And guess what? Funaki is back. Snow gets the honor this time, and Funaki lands right near the hos. As expected, we get the FOURTH REPLAY of Taka getting dinged on the head tonight, but this time it's in slo-mo. Godfather FINALLY in the ring, and the clock expires as the hos leave. #30 is of course I Never Job but X-Pac has to wait for the hos to come through before he can go out. So right now in the ring we have: Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Rock, X-Pac, Hardcore Holly, Kane, Al Snow, Godfather, and Big Show. Miscellaneous brawling until Snow clotheslines Holly out. (47:16) Clothesline for Godfather by Show, and X-Pac does his usual set with Kane. Godfather tossed out by Show (47:41), then Rock hits a Samoan Drop on Snow and clotheslines him out as well (47:52). Road Dogg laughing at Snow, and Gunn tosses him out (!!!) (48:04). Dogg is pissed, and the distraction allows Kane to hit a series of uppercuts on Gunn to send him out. (48:16)
Final Four: Rock, Big Show, Kane, X-Pac. Gunn drags Kane out under the ropes and the Outlaws beat him up. Rock reverse a whip and dodges the spinning heel kick, and X-Pac is flung out by Rock. (48:39) The refs missed it though, as they were occupied with Kane and the Outlaws on the outside, so X-Pac sneaks back in and joins Big Show in beating down Rock. Kane grabs X-Pac and whips him to the other corner. Replay of X-Pac's "elimination." Rock whipped by Big Show into a Kane big boot. Kane goes for the chokeslam, Big Show reverses and tries his own while X-Pac hits Rock with the spinning heel kick. Kane reverses and hits an enziguri, but it doesn't faze the Show. Scoop slam on Show, but X-Pac catches Kane with the spinning heel kick to send him out. (50:01) Broncobuster on Big Show, but Show doesn't warm too much to that and shows Rock the proper way to kill X-Pac, gorilla slamming him over the rope. (50:24) Show reverses a Rock whip, but is caught with a spinebuster, and it's People's Elbow time. He goes for the finish, but Show blocks and hits aaaaaaaaHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAM! Big heel heat for that, and Show gets Rock up on his shoulder. "Rocky" chant. King is back to Big Show for his prediction, by the way. (5 changes) He toys with Rock, choosing which side to toss him out on, finally choosing the one farthest from the camera, which becomes important later. Rock is tossed out, but he grabs the top rope to stay off the floor, Show's momentum sends him over and out, and the Rock is headed to Wrestlemania... or so we think. (51:48) Absolutely stellar Rumble, and Vince was smart in giving the jobbers time to shine here, even though one year later he's forgotten about them. I'd put this second behind 1992. ****½
Post-Rumble celebration sees Rock salute the crowd. Replay of the ending. Rocky gets THE STICK: "Seeing as the Rock just won the Royal Rumble right here in New York City, the Rock can honestly say, finally the Rock is going to WREST-LE-MANIA! If ya SMEELLLLLALALOW what the Rock..." and Big Show is back to cut him off. NOW Rocky gets tossed out. Ah, what the hell (54:19). Staredown. Rocky makes the "I want the belt" sign as the crowd chants "Asshole" at Show. Play Rocky's music one more time, and Show wallows in his own pity. One more replay of the ending, and of Big Show spoiling the party, and we're OUT... almost. This is the DVD, remember.
The Rock speaks again for Home Video: "The Rock doesn't need you to tell him what he won or where he's going; the Rock says this: He did exactly what he had to do. That was go out there in front of the millions and the millions AND MILLIONS of Rock's fans, going out there in Madison Square Garden; one by one by damn one over the top rope, and the Rock took that 7-foot, 500-pound bag of steaming, stinking, steaming-stinking and every other S-word you can think of and X-L-M-N-O-P you can think of too, monkey crap! The Rock says this: He's going on to Wrestlemania and the Rock GUARAN-DAMN-TEES Wrestlemania is gonna be the Rock's finest hour! So the Rock says this: If you smell it, you smell it, all these other jabronies looking, gawking at the Rock smellin' it; the Rock says this: The People, one loud voice, the Rock, the People's Champ, the People's Choice, if ya SMELL what the Rock - ahhh! - is cookin'!"
Bonus section: I'm only gonna talk about these briefly. Some of the good shit here includes that AWESOME Triple H/Cactus Jack video package, two on the Rock/Big Show feud (one prior to the Rumble and one afterwards), plus ending clips from the two previous Royal Rumbles - and I ain't recapping them, especially since one of them is Vince Russo-smelling crap. There's also a video of Trip getting stitched up after the Street Fight which I really didn't need to see, plus an abbreviated version of the swimsuit contest. Why didn't they do that and pull it out of the show?
The Bottom Line: Can't go wrong with this one. Everything was *** or better except for the tag team title match, a MOYTC in the WWF title match, and I was not scarred by Mae's puppies thanks to pre-knowledge and a trusty set of blindfold and earplugs. The Rumble itself is worth the $20, and the Street Fight plus Jericho winning jacks it up about three times as much.
Highly recommended DVD, and thumbs up to the moon for the show.
Shameless promo: The Civilization Gaming Network. Do I really need to tell you why? Go there!
Next time, same channel: I answer your rebooking challenges, and I'll think of something else to do in between to add as well. I leave you with:
This Week's Unbelieveable Moment in WWF History: The Brood joins the Ministry of Darkness - and the rest of the world yawns.
See why Russo sucked?
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