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REES' PIECE OF MIND
Konnan is my bitch (and other thoughts)

(This column is dedicated to the return of Chris Hyatte to the internet. Good to see him back, and at ScoopThis!.com, where hopefully he won't be censored.

By the way, the over/under on him not turning in a Mop-Up is three weeks. Get your bets in now.)

Instead of one monogamous piece, this week I've got several pieces to nail. Not just FootLongWillie's wife, either.

BILL BUSCH READS ME!

Ok, maybe not. But he did offer releases to Benoit, Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero (takers), Douglas and Konnan (pussies), and Vampiro (Uh, why?). And the "Hit List" was a good idea, too. Just wish it wouldn't have gotten around - I would really like to see what the hell Scott Hall could do in the real world.

KONNAN IS A FUCKING CRYBABY!

I hope someone he knows reads this, because I'm offering up a no-holds barred fight to him. If he wins, he can go on bitching and moaning. If I win, he has to keep his mouth shut for a year. Better yet, I'll make sure it's shut for a year. Punk-ass bitch, I'll rowdy-rowdy Charles' head in. (Note how this is a shoot by my dropping his real first-name in. Learned that from DDP University, my friend.)

RATE THE (BITCHFACTOR)!

At the behest of CRZ, I read (Bitchfactor)'s column from 1/20/2000. I then followed CRZ's link to her first column. I must say, Bitchfactor is without a doubt the most accurate nickname since "The Big Slow" was coined. I've decided to rate the Bitchfactor every time Kim produces a column. I'll throw in the original for comparison's sake. Scale is 1 (complaing a chick in a porn flick puts up to blowing two guys) to 10 (ex-girlfriend who tells all of the girls how big nine inches really is).

Original Bitchfactor: 4. Some good jabs, but mostly whining about her WCW experience. Calling herself a WCW whore gets her a bonus point.

Most recent Bitchfactor: 8. That was some quality bitching there. Ample use of expletives, self-aware of bitchness, tells us to go find her original column because she's too busy to make a link, exposes a co-worker's lack of wrestling knowledge, and great commentary about why we give so much energy to wrestling when we have no financial stake. A classic, until she brought in the puss-ass poem. The poem dropped it a notch to an 8. Kind of like how I thought Alanis was really cool after "Does she go down on you in a theater?" only to be disappointed with "Ironic". Good work, regardless. Especially the "if you don't like it, click the back button and go try to find Terri's tits elsewhere" line. And it inspired me to write a column about why we care, which you'll see soon.

THALL SHALL NOT FUCK WITH THE DUDLEY BOYZ!

Did anyone else break down in tears watching Buh Buh Ray superbomb Terri threw a table? (F' that, it was a sit-out powerbomb from the top rope - I hate it when I hear moves called ShootingStarNorthernLightsRocket'sRedGlareBomb. Gues what guys - I don't understand Japanese, so unless I've seen a move and heard its non-descriptive name on American TV, don't use the damn Japanese one.) Sure, Buh Buh took the complete brunt of it, going ass first through the table, but it was the best thing I can remember seeing on RAW. (Although BB lost her top last night - I saw her running to the back covering up the DD's - boy I wish I was her hands at that moment. Or her hands were where mine where.) And Terri sold it well; I actually thought she might have been hurt from the bump after the landing. At first, I thought Buh Buh should have faked some poontang pie action, but it wouldn't have been in character for him. He's playing a psycho, and psycho's don't care for poontang pie.

Their matches with the Hardee's have brought out their wicked best. And Buh Buh's dropped the stttttupid stttttuttering ggggimmick. All that's left is for Buh Buh to point out how some slut in the crowd taught her teenage daughter how to give head, and they'll once again rule the earth as the best tag team. I was reminded of one of my all-time favorite matches: their Chicago match versus Balls and Spike. That was a classic in how to turn a crowd against you - guys throwing chairs in the ring, I thought for sure a riot was going to start.

They should have made sure Vince knew Dudley Commandment #3 before signing.

TAZZ RAW DEBUT CAUSES ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ'Z EVERYWHERE!

From what my cousins told me, Tazz had an awesome debut at the Rumble. They're WWF/WCW fans with a little knowledge of ECW's Taz, and they were pumped about it. And I was pumped to see him on Raw. I had it all planned out in my head. The place goes dark, then orange lasers appear. The Tazz Symbol flashes on the screen. Tazz's voice belts out "Sur-Vive if I Let You!" A heavy guitar riff begins, and Tazz, towel over head, walks to the ring. He beats the shit out of someone, anyone (ring announcer for all I care). Tazplex after Tazplex leaves 'em dead. He montions for the mic, and screams "My name is Tazz! Beat Me if You Can! Sur-Vive if I Let You!" The place goes ape-shit, and millions across America go "What the Fuck was that?"

And what did we get? PFFFFT.

First off, his spot came after the super-hot Dudley Boyz angle. Bad timing, with Terri being stretcherd out and all. Should have been right after the Rock/HHH/Show bit to start it off. Angle comes out, with his usual shit. Tazz's symbol appears. The place kinda went black and orange. The flat-line heartbeat was cool. But then he just walks out. With kind of a blank look on his face, certainly not intense. No towel. He doesn't say a word, he just chokes out Angle. That's cool. But then he leaves, with no mic-time? Why? Where was the "Take your Olympic medals and shove 'em up your ass" comment? How about, "You think you're the only real athlete, Angle? You think you're the only tough guy? Well, when your ass wakes up, and you're watching this on tape, remember this: I'm Tazz, and I just choked you out. Again."

I have all the faith in the world in Tazz getting over in the WWF. All he has to do is the same Taz gimmick from ECW. Kind of like the Dudley Boyz. Kind of like Jericho's WCW gimmick. I'm sensing a pattern here. It's called "I'm Vince McMahon, the greatest pro- wrestling mind in history, and I can improve anything" syndrome. Hey Vince, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Vince really should review Dudley Commandment #3.

DICK VERMIEL CAN BLOW ME!

A football related topic left, so you can leave if you don't want to read it. And if you don't, go F-yourself. Why the hell did No-Dick play it so conservative versus the Bucs? The Bucs' offense couldn't do diddly-shit against the Rams' defense. The Rams should have played this game the way they did every other. Swing passes to Faulk, deep to Bruce, light up the scoreboard like a Friday night in RVD's hotel room. But No-Dick pussed out. And in the process, he didn't cover the spread, which is why I'm so pissed. Instead of being in second to Smieszkal's Rectal Selections in my spread league, I'm in dead last. And those guys suck ass. Well, that would be true even if I was in first.

And that, my friends, is Rees' Piece of Mind.

Scott Rees
freelance

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission