REES' PIECE OF MIND
The Flu Sucks Piece.

When I die, I'm going to donate my body to science. And the way I've been feeling, get your med school applications in quick. Trivia question for you: what was the leading cause of death of soldiers in the Civil War? Answer: Dysentaria - aka the Hershey Squirts. Of all the ways to die...

Since my brain can only handle short bursts of thoughts, I'll stick with a multi-piece format again this week.

1) WCW's SUPRISE. I haven't seen this much talk on the net since the Higher Power from last year. The result from that sucked, as it was Vince in a dumb storyline (although Stephanie's heel turn worked off it well). Most people on the net will you WCW's surprise is going to suck worse. They're probably right, but it's made for a fun couple of weeks, huh. One thing that the Higher Power/GAB surprise has in common is that in neither case was this planned out very well in advance, if at all. The bad thing about this is the result usually sucks. The good thing is all of the wild ass guesses going around. Odds on favorite appears to be Goldberg turning heel, runners-up are an ECW invasion and WCW running a show on FOX. As no one appears to be buying this PPV, I'm wondering how slow the various results pages will be? /slash, 1wrestling, and the Torch are going to get extreme hits from this (pun intended).

2) THE FUTURE OF CHYNA. I don't know how many of you remember this, but sometime last fall, the WWF had a four way evening gown match for the Women's title. Ivory was the champ, Jackie and Tori (I think) and a fourth women were to be the challengers. The three ladies were arguing in the ring on SmackDown! or Raw before the PPV, and Chyna's music kicked in. The crowd popped HUGE! Chyna was at the time the Intercontinental Champion, and the girls in the ring started pissing their pants. Unfortunately, Chyna told the crowd that she was to busy with the I-C belt to go after the women's, but her "slave" Miss Kitty would be up to the task. Miss Kitty saved the segment by mentioning she doesn't wear panties.

The memory of that pop has come back from the depths of my mind lately (must be the delusions). With Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley the women's champion, how loud do you think the roar would be when she found out she was going to have to fight Chyna? And the beauty of it is, the storyline is right there from real life. Chyna and HHH were together, HHH "marries" Steph, and lo and behold, HHH dumps Chyna. Hell hath no fury like a women scorned.

Here's how I'd book it. SMH pins Lita at the next SmackDown, via Tori's help again. At the beginning of the next RAW, Steph and Tori are in the ring, bragging about her victory. Steph offers an open challenge to any woman in the back. Chyna's music kicks in, and Steph nearly passes out in the ring. Chyna enters to a giant pop, mic in hand. "Listen here, you little bitch. Did you think for one second I'd forgotten you stealing HHH from me, you slut? Sure, I've got Latino Heat now, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm going to kick your fat ass all over that ring." As Chyna storms the ring, Steph pushes Tori in front of her. Chyna makes short work of Tori. Chyna approaches Stephanie menacingly, and Steph pleads for forgiveness. Chyna closes in, grabs Steph by the hair, and just as she pulls back her arm, HHH comes out. HHH offers her and Eddie a mixed tag-team match versus the Helmsley's to free Steph. Chyna says that's not good enough, and rears back again. HHH then adds if Chyna and Eddie win, Eddie gets a shot at the World Title that night, but only if Chyna lets Steph free without touching her. Chyna smiles, releases her, and we've got our first hour main event.

During the match, HHH gets whipped into Steph, knocking her to the floor. Who comes out to help her? Kurt Angle, who "heroically" carries her to the back. HHH sees Angle carrying Steph, goes ballistic yelling at him near the ropes, and Eddie sneaks a schoolboy for a 1-2-3 and the title shot.

Eddie loses the main event, of course, but gets an instant rub from pinning the champ earlier in the night, ala Jericho (without the Reverse Dusty finish of a fake title change). Meanwhile, the Angle/HHH fued has begun, which will eventually allow HHH to turn face while elevating Angle to main event status.

Am I good, or still delusional from the flu? Your call, your email, address is at the bottom

3) ECW PLEDGE DRIVE: $2,000. No new pledges this week. I did run the idea by Dave Scherer (yeah I'm a namedropper - F' You!). Dave let me know that we would need millions of dollars to get ownership. So, I'm going to start pleading again for all ECW fans to Help Save ECW! Come on, you know Raven needs some money for a hamburger. And New Jack's guitars don't come cheap.

4) BOBOB'S WRESTLING BABE OF THE WEEK. The Shadowlongknife (my biggest fan) demands Lita to be recognized here. Sorry, SLK, but your roommate's suggestion wins this week. Bob says Miss Hancock at Nitro wins paws down. The ECW Hotline rumor of her being in a wet t-shirt contest only puts the icing on the cake. Bob says he'll name his first born son after the guy that sends a picture or a link of Miss Hancock at this contest.

5) BOBOB'S SICKEST WRESTLING MOVE OF THE WEEK. Bo says if you have to ask, you are a moron. Rikishi's splash off of the entrance ramp onto Val Venis wins hands down. Bo does want to smack Michael Cole around for saying it was a ten-foot drop. Sounded pretty stupid when Rikishi stood up and was taller than the ramp.

6) BOBOB'S MATCH OF THE WEEK. Lots of good matches this week, but in a unanimous 3-0 vote, Ric Flair versus Vince Russo in the cage wins. By god, if Vince could breathe the next day, he was lucky. Ric literally drew blood with those chops. And the crowd went nuts once Vince climbed up onto the cage. Vince has been skewered online for not selling the figure four and not improvising the finish once the delay for the blood became obvious. Yeah, I noticed the no-sell, and I also would have liked to seen the finish of the match been Vince giving up, Ric continuing the hold, and then the blood falling. But now that we've heard Vince suffered a concussion during the match, maybe ya'all could cut Vince some slack. And he sold like a motherfucker before the Gauntlet match.

12) AND, IN CONCLUSION, DON'T EVER PAY TO SEE A UFC FIGHT UNLESS TITO ORTIZ IS FIGHTING. Along with two of Denoit's brothers and a sister-in-law, I traveled to Cedar Rapids, Iowa (the homeland!), to see UFC XXVI. The main event was a potential doozy, with Kevin Randleman (c) versus Pedro Rizzo for the Heavyweight Champion. Although four of the five undercard matches and the Lightweight championship victory by Pat Miletich were good, the pre-main event fight had sucked ass for fifteen minutes, as the two guys wouldn't engage. I was hoping for a kick-ass finale, especially after the main event at last year's show in CR was a disgrace (Marco Ruas had blown out a knee a week before the fight, tried to go, couldn't and quit against Maurice Smith).

Randleman is a bad-ass looking M.F. nicknamed "The Monster", about 5'10", 230 pounds, solid as a fucking rock brother with blond hair. Pedro "The Rock" Rizzo is a Brazillian with great striking abilities. They were set to fight four months ago, but right before the fight Randleman slipped on a pipe and knocked himself out cold on the floor. I could see this happening, as Randleman was all over the arena pre-fight wandering around, releasing nervous energy. No less a genius than Dave Meltzer called this the best heavyweight fight possible in UFC.

Randleman jumped over the damn cage to enter the fight. That's a six-foot jump. And he started the fight hot, tackling Rizzo and damn near ramming him through the cage. It was a pretty good first round.

The next four rounds were the most boring twenty minutes of my life. I paid fifty bucks to watch two guys shadowbox in the ring. Counting the prior fight, a combined forty minutes of no action. The fans went ape-shit, throwing stuff at the ring (reminded me of Nitro's at the United Center). Randleman won by decision, which I figured meant he had shadow-boxed the best. The crowd booed relentlessly, and the president of SEG, when congratulating Randleman, cited our ignorance of how fights really happen. Yeah, we're not smart enough to figure out how great twenty minutes of head fakes are. Stupid cocksucker. Course, we paid fifty bucks for seats, so he still may have a point, the jackass.

From here on out, I'm only going to an MMA show if it's local and cheap or Tito Ortiz is fighting. If Jeremy Horn is fighting, I'll go to. The only other way is if I can get my hands on the SEG president in the ring. I'll fuck him up, I tell ya.

Soon as I get off the shitter.