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bPWf Worldwide Recap

Live from the Pork Rinds Regency Hotel in Mambo, Nebraska...

Your hosts are LORD ALFRED HAYES, BART SAWYER, and the original DOINK THE CLOWN...

Backstage, promoter YDARB EHCROP talks strategy with his own little Corporation rip-off, The Sunspots. Well, they aren't really talking much strategy, they're just trying to fold a Rand McNally of North Dakota. It takes 8 guys...cumulative I.Q. for the Sunspots... 67.3.

We go to the ring, Doris...

MIKE "MEGASEX" MURPHY vs. SAUL BOYD
Murphy is this big oaf who wears a mink coat and a beer helmet to the ring. Saul Boyd is your token WCW style jobber in a green and yellow pickle singlet. The boys in the back call him Dill Damage for fun. Our competitors lock up, but Boyd has the key, as he preaches his hellfire and brimstone stir fried vegetable-cooking methods to freeze Murphy into a state of suspension. Murphy unfreezes and summons the powers of Jim Powers and powers his way into a weak-looking chokehold. Chokeholds are called Mookybunk Locks in the bPWf, BTW. Boyd returns the favor with some steady rights, but Murphy pulls out the Bill of Rights and lamps him for the TKO. The referee doesn't see it, since this is one of those Arkansas Blindfolded Ref matches that we've heard Kenny Loggins speak at length about. Pinfall, victory, goodbye Boyd. Hope to see you at my cousin's bachelor party this Friday night.

Backstage, HAKUSHI is tying a barbecue pit to the back of an RV. Kinda makes me wonder what the deal is with executive privilege these days.

LEON PHARMACY FUNK vs. HAPPINESS HARRIS
Leon is a guy in a Commodores outfit who shoves estrogen pills into his opponents' mouths. Let's hope his matches aren't easy like Sunday morning, eh? HAAHAHAHHHA...onions. Harris is a guy in a pink leotard who enjoys a sip of mint julep every Guy Fawkes Day. They start with a brawl, as Leon grabs some hot wax from under the ring and does a nice job on Harris's legs. Harris is less impressed, however, and he stabs the nearest camera man with a knife that was bought at some discount store in South Florida and has an inscription on the blade which reads "Macho Man...we owe you our typewriters." The camera man is okay...in fact, he's getting into the match! Our brave electronic media master goes to the top and lands a double Hardbody Harrison flying headscissors and pins both them sumbitches in an impressive debut. You see, it's this kind of Publisher's Clearing House Apartheid booking that sets the whole world of crazed emu's on its left knee.

Backstage, KONNAN is wondering why his new Konnan O'Brien gimmick won't get over in WCW. ANDY RICHTER'S PRESS AGENT walks up and kicks him in the balls.

FESTERING HATRED vs. MONEY INC. 2000 for the bPWf Integrated Tag Team Titles
Festering Hatred are a white skinhead and a black rapper who just got kicked off his record label for holding up a liquor store. Volatile combination? No, their calming Enigma-style theme music puts them on an even keel. Money Inc. 2000 consists of a guy in a tuxedo shirt who thinks he looks like Ted Dibiase and Mike Rotundo's little brother Tim. The both teams in now, and it's a Pier One Imports where you can receive great prices on little things that smell like cinnamon brawl. Lord Alfred announces that Mike Rutherford from Genesis is IN THE BUILDING!!! A shock moves up my spine...shit, I better get out of this electric chair, this could be dangerous. Back to the match...the rapper, ICE-DAWG 7 has Rotundo in an armbar. The Dibiase wannabe charges into the ring and offers his opinion on sex in outer space. MTV's True Life production crew gets interested, and proceeds to do a documentary on intergalactic coitus right there in the ring. Festering Hatred has some dirty laundry to air with Fred Ottman, so they leave the ring and we get no contest. I wanna be Major Thom.

Speaking of intergalactic coitus...

INTERGALACTIC COITUS vs. KOKO B. WARE & CHASE TATUM
The story here is that I.C. (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Jack Pritchard in red velvet space suits) tried to change the channel while The Birdman and the ex-No Limit Soldier were watching an old tape of Falcon Crest. Man, you just don't interrupt Koko while he's watching his 80's dramas. I tried to ask him for a nickel one day while he was checking out an episode of Scarecrow and Mrs. King...sumbitch pulled a glock on me. Anyway, we start with Chase and Tom, who can't seem to remember their game plan, and just start doing random spots...in no particular direction. Wow, this looks smooth. Now all we need is a dash of animal tranquilizer to add that Saxony appeal. (WURT???) Koko gets impatient, and he reaches into a bag of some sort...looking for his parrot! But no, the bird has gone to WCW to serve on the Championship Committee, and Jimmy Jack comes up from behind with a Tazzmissionplex for the surviving member of High Energy. Coitus wins...coitus conquers all, man!

Backstage, Mr. ehcroP and the Sunspots are a-schemin'. I hear someone mutter something about the Emzee/Slash Delphi forum and its effects on fertility, but I have to go and check on my Hungarian stew.

RAPID DELIVERY RORY FOX vs. ANANDA LEWIS (Sir Mix-a-Lot CD on a Pole Match.)
Lots of backstory here, but I won't go into it, since the gland in my neck that allows me to tell wrestling storylines has been destroyed by my abuse of BBQ'd Fritos. Fox delivers the goods, but Ananda's goodies get in the way. She tries to get all ol'school sassy black girl on his ass, but she's got too much cream in her coffee to have any effect. Fox goes for his Multi-Jimmy Stewart Hand Grenade Swan Dive off the top, and nails the former 12 Angry Viewers hostess right in the coochie-pop. He goes for the Sir Mix-a-Lot CD, but the green waves of Grand Isle beach are so loaded with mecurious poisons that I have to wonder how many times I can beat myself over the head with a Donny Osmond lie detector machine.

Backstage, MIKE RUTHERFORD of GENESIS arrives in a burnt sienna-colored limo! And he's got some ho's!!!

Elsewhere backstage, Mr. ehcroP and the Sunspots are outraged at the size of OLD GUY 5000's sack...of potatoes! (RISK MANAGEMENT!!!)

O.T.T. TOBY MILLER vs. "THE ANCHORMAN" FRED OTTMAN for the Vacant bPWf/IWGP/MTMS Heavyweight Title
Miller is one of these guys who won't shut up about extreme sports. His catch phrase is "You down with O.T.T.?" He is the most hated wrestler I have ever seen. Just last week, a fan threw an ENTIRE WHEEL BARROW at him. Ottman has been packaged for the bPWf as a news anchor. He cuts a promo about inflation in Africa, and the crowd chants "Fred E" like a bunch of rabid yorkshire terriers on speed. They lock up, but Miller has the key, and he spin-kicks Ottman like a confused fisherman in heat. Doink remembers the time that he beat Ottman on Monday Night Raw back in 1993. Bart Sawyer says that Raw didn't go on the air until last week, and is promptly fired for being such a jack nut. Ottman outside the ring now, screaming for Miller to join him in a bout of concussion therapy shoot-fighting. Being a stupid ass, Miller jumps at the opportunity, and Ottman charges back into the ring just before being counted out. Miller doesn't make it back in time, and Ottman wins the worst title match since Hogan vs. Savage from WCW Groin Pull '97, where the Macho Man just sat and read a local newspaper until he was exhausted and could not compete any longer. MR.EHCROP and THE SUNSPOTS run in to congratulate the new champion...but they punk him out instead!!! Miller joins in...but now MIKE RUTHERFORD is out, and he kicks the living CRAP out of every single Sunspot with one solitary punch. Rutherford grabs a mic amidst all the carnage and Ottman joins him in a tearful rendition of That's Just The Way It Is and we're out.

Man, what a way to set up Sunday's interactive pay-per-view where fans get to call in and book the finishes to every match. Hope you all have some chimp-tastic ideas for the good folks at bPWf!!!

Later, priests.

bP
International Man of Pancakes

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission