On with the show, Tina...

Live from the tip of my tongue...

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN, and MUSTAFA SAIEED

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (Con-tro-ver-sy. Woo-PISH.) vs. LASH LEROUX for the WCW Cruiserweight Title
Iaukea announces the nominees for this year's Planktonic Panties Award and we're underway. Lash starts with a Houma, Louisiana bomb and gets 2. Prince gets his own name confused with Bert Prentice, and starts hyping NWA Worldwide this weekend in some civic auditorium somewhere in Tennessee. The Tennessee Volunteers vs. Ladies Night Out FRIDAY NIGHT!!! Lash catches him off guard, and rows a kayak straight down the man's throat. He comes out of his ass, proclaims that the school system in Massachusetts is finally on its way back up, and pins Prince Violata for the CW title. And you thought this division was in trouble...you probably have little pictures of Danny Thomas painted on your toenails.

BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. BRIAN KNOBBS for the Hardcore Title
Brian Knobs says that smart guys always do it in the library. I say that whatever condor was responsible for painting my rec room cheese orange will be broken on the wheel. (Will someone please re-invent the wheel for me?) Anyway, BBB comes out to some music by Zam Fir and the Teardrop Explodes, and hits Knobbs in the back with a capuccino machine. It has no effect, for Knobbs ain't with that cuppa joe shit. He counters the blow with a blow, which will get him in trouble with Standards and Practices. 4 kids in the front row run into the ring and tell our competitors that the sky is falling. BBB tries to prove it by drinking diesel fuel, and gets pinned after a nice Estelle Getty suplex by Knobbs. Fit Finlay comes out to celebrate with his protege. WHOMP...Fit to be TIED...WHOMP-WHOMP...Finlay has ARRIVED-yeah. Sorry, I had to do that. No, really, my mom said I'd be grounded if I didn't.

SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY vs. 3-COUNT
3-Count announces that Evan Karagias has left to pursue a solo career on Nambla Records. Does he even know what Nambla stands for? I hope not...anyway, the match starts with some pretty impressive offense by both sides, most notably with a nice Dipshit Pescado by Shannon Moore of NWA Worldwide fame. Bert Prentice would be proud...and loud...and fat. Smiley does the big wiggle and gets so much face heat that the crowd actually burns him to death. They really shouldn't let people bring hair dryers into the arena. Shane Helms of Mahogany fame pins the melted remains of Smiley for the victory. Don't crap on my fence, Marsha.

THE KISS DEMON vs. THE WALL
Mike said in his Micasa report that the Demon was trying to get his gimmick changed to the Earth, Wind, and Fire Warrior, but I guessed the idea fell through. Shame on you, Michael...you probably get misty-eyed at the fact that Windex guarantees you a clean surface with every use (mad props=ad dollars?...no). The Wall takes his name a little too seriously, just standing there and preventing things from passing through. Unfortunately, he has to pass a kidney stone at the worst possible minute, and The Air Supply Demon wins by Turkish count-out.

Backstage, the NWO is coloring.

TANK ABBOTT vs. BIG AL (Leather Jacket with Garbage Pail Kids in the Pocket on a Pole match.)
Tank Abbott thought my story about WCW losing its entire roster was true. Shitto. Anyway, Al gets some early offense by bringing his lunch to school...in a Dan Rather lunch box. Abbott takes a minute to gay bash a fan wearing a salmon-colored shirt and gets clobbered with a chimpitated right by Al. Now back into the ring, and OOH, the laws of matter and anti-matter decide to have sex right in the middle of the ring. Al and Tank get grossed out by the display, and decide to re-unite, vowing to tap-dance into the Arizona sunset as the Embolus Brothers.

Backstage, HULK HOGAN is trying to invent a machine that converts toast back into white bread.

BOOKER vs. BIG JOHNSON for the rights to Harlem Heat.
Schiavone acts like he's never seen a black man before, calling this match A Battle of Dark Ones. Mustafa Saieed kicks him in the balls. Booker and Casual T lock up, but Booker has the key, and he pulls out a Ziploc bag full of sun-dried locusts. He slaps Herbal T in the groin, bringing the big man down to his...shuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh knees, knees...I wanna hear you scream. Loyal T is in trouble here, but the ref is distracted, so Stevie Ray comes in to promote his new Froot Booties cereal. Kurt Vonnegut is unimpressed, and Booker gets the ax you a quarstion kick on Boston T Party for the win. After the match, a naked woman with a "T" painted on her bazoomba-toombas comes out to congratulate the victor. Onions.

Backstage, THE EMPEROR SCOTT HUDSON is vomiting...the ULTIMATE WARRIOR pops into the picture and vows revenge on "that fucker Papa Shango".

KIDMAN vs. VAMPIRO
Both of our competitors take headsets at the commentary booth, so that leaves the ring...pretty much empty. The match doesn't happen...Kidman and Vamp pretty much just talk trash at each other. Eh, rookies.

THE MAMALUKES vs. DAVID FLAIR and CROWBAR (Stretcher Match for the Tag Titles and a piece of this danish that I'm eating.)
The Paisans enter first (OH WELL) and the crew from VH-1 Storytellers runs in to hand them guitars and microphones. Vito and Johnny are pretty fuckin' confused here, but Disco says it's all part of being a young woman. The Crazy Sons of Bitches and the Crazy Bitch come out to some very Frampton-esque music (to complement Crowbar's Frampton-esque personality, no doubt) and the match begins. Vito lands a Nokia Cellular Phone uppercut, then hits an Outback Steakhouse moonsault for a 1,000 count on Flair. Sheena Easton eats cornbread dressing through an I.V. Daffney decides to coreograph a Russian ballet in Johnny the Bull's nutsack, and intense pain for the defending co-champion ensues. Vito makes the save with an idea about the Kentucky State Fair, and the Mamalukes end up winning the title without finishing the match. Apparently, the referee just felt like making a call. WCW is a model company.

Backstage, PATRICK DUFFY, OSCAR THE GROUCH, and DUSTIN RHODES do a public service announcement about government funding for intramural sports. Help the athletes, people...please.

In the ring, ERNEST MILLER, THE MAESTRO, and JAMES BROWN all take credit for writing James Brown's music. Simultaneously. Come on, everybody knows FDR wrote all of the Godfather of Soul's material.

RIC FLAIR vs. TERRY FUNK (Financial Death Match)
The legends lock up, but there's a 12 second time limit. Those Vivid Tropical Birds have got to go.

HULK HOGAN vs. THE TOTAL PACKAGE (Special Reason to Admire the Construction of the Building Match)
Hogan remembers the time he penned the original Ten Commandments, and wonders why the Dudley Boyz have been such a pain in the Hardys' ass these days. Total Package takes a break from re-shingling my roof to wrestle a match in WCW. Good brawl to start, as Hogan turns a wresthold into an asai moonsault/rollover senton combination for 2. Referee Nick Patrick claims that country music just ain't what it used to be, Gordon. Hulk and the Totalled Buick go into a test of strength, but STING runs in (brown face paint, yellow tights) and urges his co-workers to try the new Jack Daniels mustard. The sumbitches get drunk off they ass, and Booker T comes out to show us an X-ray of what it looks like to be on like neck bone. No contest, Seinfeld fans.

Backstage, MICHAEL DUKAKIS is wondering why he would never make it in the adult book industry.

MICHAEL BUFFER comes out to get us all hot and bothered for the main event. "For the thousands in attendance...for the millions, watching at home....ladies and gentlemen...I JUST PAID OFF ALL MY CREDIT CARD DEBTS!!!" Crowd is silent. Buffer pulls out a cigar, and walks out with a smile from ear to ear. Strange......but true.

SID VICIOUS vs. SCOTT ALKAHALL vs. JEFF JARRETT for the World Chinese
Food Championship Sid enters with a hula hoop around his waist...he gets a pretty good spin going for a while, but the hoop falls as he is distracted by the voices inside his head. Hall floats in, engulfed by a big floating bubble. Jarrett comes down to ringside in the form of a cantelope, and we're off and running. Sid does his .38 Special hold very loosely, and Hall kicks me in the nuts for making such a lame assed joke. Jarrett doesn't mind, and he sits down on my floor and starts asking me probing questions about my love life. Sid tries to get me to admit certain things that I don't want to admit, and I hit him with a Larry Louis superkick. He's down, and Hall comes charging at me with the hood ornament from an old Yugo. Jarrett attacks him with determination and spinach, and I head to H&R Block to find out if the only reason why hopscotch is outlawed in certain parts of Minnesota is that the weather is bad sometimes. Sid is up, and he whomps Hall with a fist full of other people's fists (eww), and Mirror Marco is out for the count. Sid Ambitious picks him up, goes for the pile driver, but Jarrett comes up and stabs him with a hypodermic needle full of liquid dolphin bones. Sid Repetitious is doubled over in amusement, and Hall sues the M&M/Mars company for the pin and the title. Strange match, if only for the lack of amphetamines in my armless girlfriend's panty hose.

Sorry, I had to say that...no, really, my doctor said I'd get high blood pressure if I didn't.