ATTENTION FANS...Do not pay attention to the internet reports on Sunday
night's WCW Superbrawl 2000 pay-per-view event. They are all false...a
group of recappers and on-site reporters have conspired to give you the
news as it DIDN'T happen, just to
swerve you and to make you look like fools. But I, your knight with a
shining can of Armour Vienna Sausage is here to give you the full
breakdown of what REALLY happened at tonight's big event. (Present
burnt offerings now.)
On with the show, Tina...
Live from the tip of my tongue...
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN, and MUSTAFA SAIEED
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (Con-tro-ver-sy. Woo-PISH.)
vs. LASH LEROUX for the WCW Cruiserweight Title
Iaukea announces the nominees for this year's Planktonic Panties Award
and we're underway. Lash starts with a Houma, Louisiana bomb and gets
2. Prince gets his own
name confused with Bert Prentice, and starts hyping NWA Worldwide this
weekend in
some civic auditorium somewhere in Tennessee. The Tennessee Volunteers
vs. Ladies Night Out FRIDAY NIGHT!!! Lash catches him off guard, and
rows a kayak straight
down the man's throat. He comes out of his ass, proclaims that the
school system in
Massachusetts is finally on its way back up, and pins Prince Violata for
the CW title.
And you thought this division was in trouble...you probably have little
pictures of Danny Thomas painted on your toenails.
BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. BRIAN KNOBBS for the Hardcore Title
Brian Knobs says that smart guys always do it in the library. I say
that whatever condor was responsible for painting my rec room cheese
orange will be broken on the wheel.
(Will someone please re-invent the wheel for me?) Anyway, BBB comes out
to some
music by Zam Fir and the Teardrop Explodes, and hits Knobbs in the back
with a
capuccino machine. It has no effect, for Knobbs ain't with that cuppa
joe shit. He counters the blow with a blow, which will get him in
trouble with Standards and Practices.
4 kids in the front row run into the ring and tell our competitors that
the sky is falling.
BBB tries to prove it by drinking diesel fuel, and gets pinned after a
nice Estelle Getty
suplex by Knobbs. Fit Finlay comes out to celebrate with his protege.
WHOMP...Fit to be TIED...WHOMP-WHOMP...Finlay has ARRIVED-yeah. Sorry,
I had to do that.
No, really, my mom said I'd be grounded if I didn't.
SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY vs. 3-COUNT
3-Count announces that Evan Karagias has left to pursue a solo career on
Nambla Records. Does he even know what Nambla stands for? I hope
not...anyway, the match
starts with some pretty impressive offense by both sides, most notably
with a nice
Dipshit Pescado by Shannon Moore of NWA Worldwide fame. Bert Prentice
would
be proud...and loud...and fat. Smiley does the big wiggle and gets so
much face heat that the crowd actually burns him to death. They really
shouldn't let people bring hair dryers into the arena. Shane Helms of
Mahogany fame pins the melted remains of Smiley for the victory. Don't
crap on my fence, Marsha.
THE KISS DEMON vs. THE WALL
Mike said in his Micasa report that the Demon was trying to get his
gimmick changed to
the Earth, Wind, and Fire Warrior, but I guessed the idea fell through.
Shame on you, Michael...you probably get misty-eyed at the fact that
Windex guarantees you a clean
surface with every use (mad props=ad dollars?...no). The Wall takes his
name a little too seriously, just standing there and preventing things
from passing through. Unfortunately,
he has to pass a kidney stone at the worst possible minute, and The Air
Supply Demon
wins by Turkish count-out.
Backstage, the NWO is coloring.
TANK ABBOTT vs. BIG AL (Leather Jacket with Garbage Pail Kids in the
Pocket on a Pole match.)
Tank Abbott thought my story about WCW losing its entire roster was
true. Shitto. Anyway, Al gets some early offense by bringing his lunch
to school...in a Dan Rather lunch box. Abbott takes a minute to gay
bash a fan wearing a salmon-colored shirt and gets
clobbered with a chimpitated right by Al. Now back into the ring, and
OOH, the laws of
matter and anti-matter decide to have sex right in the middle of the
ring. Al and Tank get grossed out by the display, and decide to
re-unite, vowing to tap-dance into the Arizona
sunset as the Embolus Brothers.
Backstage, HULK HOGAN is trying to invent a machine that converts toast
back into white bread.
BOOKER vs. BIG JOHNSON for the rights to Harlem Heat.
Schiavone acts like he's never seen a black man before, calling this
match A Battle of
Dark Ones. Mustafa Saieed kicks him in the balls. Booker and Casual T
lock up, but Booker has the key, and he pulls out a Ziploc bag full of
sun-dried locusts. He slaps
Herbal T in the groin, bringing the big man down to
his...shuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh knees, knees...I wanna hear you scream.
Loyal T is in trouble here, but the ref is distracted, so
Stevie Ray comes in to promote his new Froot Booties cereal. Kurt
Vonnegut is unimpressed, and Booker gets the ax you a quarstion kick on
Boston T Party for the win.
After the match, a naked woman with a "T" painted on her
bazoomba-toombas comes out to congratulate the victor. Onions.
Backstage, THE EMPEROR SCOTT HUDSON is vomiting...the ULTIMATE WARRIOR
pops into the picture and vows revenge on "that fucker Papa Shango".
KIDMAN vs. VAMPIRO
Both of our competitors take headsets at the commentary booth, so that
leaves the ring...pretty much empty. The match doesn't happen...Kidman
and Vamp pretty much just talk trash at each other. Eh, rookies.
THE MAMALUKES vs. DAVID FLAIR and CROWBAR (Stretcher Match for the Tag
Titles and a piece of this danish that I'm eating.)
The Paisans enter first (OH WELL) and the crew from VH-1 Storytellers
runs in to hand them guitars and microphones. Vito and Johnny are
pretty fuckin' confused here, but
Disco says it's all part of being a young woman. The Crazy Sons of
Bitches and the Crazy Bitch come out to some very Frampton-esque music
(to complement Crowbar's Frampton-esque personality, no doubt) and the
match begins. Vito lands a Nokia Cellular Phone uppercut, then hits an
Outback Steakhouse moonsault for a 1,000 count on
Flair. Sheena Easton eats cornbread dressing through an I.V. Daffney
decides to
coreograph a Russian ballet in Johnny the Bull's nutsack, and intense
pain for the defending co-champion ensues. Vito makes the save with an
idea about the Kentucky State Fair, and the Mamalukes end up winning the
title without finishing the match.
Apparently, the referee just felt like making a call. WCW is a model
company.
Backstage, PATRICK DUFFY, OSCAR THE GROUCH, and DUSTIN RHODES
do a public service announcement about government funding for intramural
sports.
Help the athletes, people...please.
In the ring, ERNEST MILLER, THE MAESTRO, and JAMES BROWN all take credit
for writing James Brown's music. Simultaneously. Come on, everybody
knows FDR wrote all of the Godfather of Soul's material.
RIC FLAIR vs. TERRY FUNK (Financial Death Match)
The legends lock up, but there's a 12 second time limit. Those Vivid
Tropical Birds have got to go.
HULK HOGAN vs. THE TOTAL PACKAGE (Special Reason to Admire the
Construction of the Building Match)
Hogan remembers the time he penned the original Ten Commandments, and
wonders why
the Dudley Boyz have been such a pain in the Hardys' ass these days.
Total Package
takes a break from re-shingling my roof to wrestle a match in WCW. Good
brawl to start, as Hogan turns a wresthold into an asai
moonsault/rollover senton combination for 2.
Referee Nick Patrick claims that country music just ain't what it used
to be, Gordon.
Hulk and the Totalled Buick go into a test of strength, but STING runs
in (brown face paint, yellow tights) and urges his co-workers to try the
new Jack Daniels mustard.
The sumbitches get drunk off they ass, and Booker T comes out to show us
an X-ray
of what it looks like to be on like neck bone. No contest, Seinfeld
fans.
Backstage, MICHAEL DUKAKIS is wondering why he would never make it in
the adult book industry.
MICHAEL BUFFER comes out to get us all hot and bothered for the main
event.
"For the thousands in attendance...for the millions, watching at
home....ladies and gentlemen...I JUST PAID OFF ALL MY CREDIT CARD
DEBTS!!!" Crowd is silent.
Buffer pulls out a cigar, and walks out with a smile from ear to ear.
Strange......but true.
SID VICIOUS vs. SCOTT ALKAHALL vs. JEFF JARRETT for the World Chinese
Food Championship
Sid enters with a hula hoop around his waist...he gets a pretty good
spin going for a while, but the hoop falls as he is distracted by the
voices inside his head. Hall floats in, engulfed
by a big floating bubble. Jarrett comes down to ringside in the form of
a cantelope, and we're off and running. Sid does his .38 Special hold
very loosely, and Hall kicks me in the nuts for making such a lame assed
joke. Jarrett doesn't mind, and he sits down on my floor and starts
asking me probing questions about my love life. Sid tries to get me to
admit certain things that I don't want to admit, and I hit him with a
Larry Louis superkick.
He's down, and Hall comes charging at me with the hood ornament from an
old Yugo.
Jarrett attacks him with determination and spinach, and I head to H&R
Block to find out
if the only reason why hopscotch is outlawed in certain parts of
Minnesota is that the
weather is bad sometimes. Sid is up, and he whomps Hall with a fist
full of other people's
fists (eww), and Mirror Marco is out for the count. Sid Ambitious picks
him up, goes for the pile driver, but Jarrett comes up and stabs him
with a hypodermic needle full of
liquid dolphin bones. Sid Repetitious is doubled over in amusement, and
Hall sues the
M&M/Mars company for the pin and the title. Strange match, if only for
the lack of
amphetamines in my armless girlfriend's panty hose.
Sorry, I had to say that...no, really, my doctor said I'd get high blood
pressure if I didn't.
bP
Visit MTMS, baby.
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