You are here /wrestling
/guests
/ehcroP
Guest Columns

ydarB ehcroP

Main

BLAH

BROKEN NEWS...
WCW loses entire roster to WWF

ATLANTA-In one of the more shocking stories to break in the world of professional wrestling over the past few years, WCW has lost every major talent on its roster to the more popular World Wrestling Federation. This comes on the heels of a previous defection by four former WCW grapplers, namely Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Eddy Guerrero, who are already achieving considerable success in the WWF, in despite the fact that one is unable to compete. WCW has a reputation for being mired with backstage political troubles, primarily from its top stars. However, as some of the departing workers have stated, the floodgates were in no way opened by the company's top-level deterioration.

"All those things you hear about the political games and the back-stabbing have been greatly exaggerated," says jilted wrestler and former WCW employee Billy Kidman. "We're leaving because our theme music sucks. I mean it doesn't just suck-suck, I mean, dude, it really, REALLY sucks."

What you have just read is no misprint. WCW's wrestlers are disgruntled over the low quality of their entrance themes, which are generated by the company's multimedia department, managed by two old-school disco producers and the guy who did the soundtrack to 1989's "Prancer" movie.

"Have you ever heard my entrance theme?" Kidman asks. "The most homoerotic sound I have ever heard is when those guitars kick in. It's really embarrassing. Why do you think I have the finest female valet in the business? It ain't because she's been retiring to my boudoir every night, oh no!"

Wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, who was at the helm of wrestling's first major boom period in the mid-80's, has also been very vocal about his dissatisfaction with WCW entrance music.

"These tunes just don't rock, brother," Hogan says, playing air guitar, and grimacing in pain afterwards. "I really feel bad about some of our newer guys who have to walk out to that duh-duh-duh crap that you only hear on those E! Network promos. I mean, don't get me wrong, it keeps the little fish from rising up on the food chain if y'know what I mean." Hogan also added that fellow wrestler Billy Kidman is a big gaybird and he likes to watch other wrestlers in the showers, and the only reason he walks out with Torrie Wilson is so he can cover up the fact that he's a big gaybird.

WWF musical director James Johnston, who saw his WWF: The Music Vol. 3 rise into the Billboard Top 10 in 1998, says he is ready for the task of writing new themes for all of the new WWF workers.

"Sure, it'll be tough, but I've got some ideas brewin' in the ol' dome. I usually go about this stuff alone, but I've enlisted the help of my old friends in Connecticut Yankee, along with Donald Fagen from Steely Dan and the non-George Michael member of Wham! We've already laid down this bad-ass track for Fit Finlay that goes like 'WHOMP-Fit to be TIED-WHOMP-Finlay has ARRIVED-yeah.'"

WWF owner Vince McMahon has issued a statement about the new acquisitions expressing a warm welcome and a promise for better opportunities in the industry.

"We here at the World Wrestling Federation know that things are tough in this business, especially in Turnerland...however, we'd like to assure all of our new recruits that there will be no more of that duh-duh-duh-duh crap that you guys have to walk out to when you first break onto the scene."

Not all of WCW's wrestlers are disillusioned with their current situation. Former Ultimate Fighting Champion Tank Abbott has decided to remain with WCW, along with the low-profile developmental talent from the promotion's Power Plant dojo in Atlanta.

"My music kicks ass," says Abbott. "It has a cool riff, and it makes me look real intimidating and stuff...well, I already am intimidating, but you know...it enhances the effect or some shit."

WCW Grand Dragon Bill Busch was asked to comment, but declined, as he is currently in a state of euphoria after being told by a magic teddy bear that losing all of your talent is a good thing.

WCW Nitro can be seen every Monday night at 7/8cst on the TNT network. The card for February 21 is as follows:

  • Elix Skipper vs. Mark Jendriak
  • Erik Watts vs. Rick Fuller (I Quit Match)
  • Shark Boy vs. Al Greene
  • Adrian Byrd vs. "Bad" Barry Horowitz (Loser Eats 3-Day Old Ham Sandwich)

  • Main Event:
  • Tank Abbot vs. Winner of WCW Fearless Fan Competition (World Heavyweight Title Match)
  • Brdy. Prche.
    The Midnight Train to Motion Sickness
    Mail the Author

    BLAH

    Main

    Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission