WWF HYPOGLYCEMIA VIII REVIEW
"...damn funny..."
"...Very non-sequitor...I like."
"I was cracking up during the entire review!"
"Less crack, more Cheerios in the morning."
The critics agree...I HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM!!!
I
don't............................................................................................seriously.
LARRY KING MOMENT: Sid putting the title up for auction on
eBay...that's one of the
funniest images I've ever had! Score one for the ruler...of the world.
ON WITH THE FRICKIN' SHOW...
Taped from the amniotic sac of a killer whale at Sea World...
Your hosts are a pair of Rottweilers...JIM ROSS and "SEXUAL CHOCOLATE"
JERRY LAWLER
Backstage, TRIPLE H is rolling joints using the classified ads of some
newspaper from
Boise, Idaho. The rest of DX is playing Twister and listening to the
old Weird Al song of
the same name. THE RADICALS walk in and announce that they have signed
a 40 album
deal with Island Records. They're a barbershop quartet now, Honey
Smacks!!!
STEVE BLACKMAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO for the Intercontinental Title
Blackman is wearing a Journey shirt for this occasion. Y2J comes out
and does a promo
about how you should never be able to see your own urinary bladder on
the floor of an old
Soviet meeting hall and he gets jumped from behind. Blackman takes the
offense, with a
kick to the spine and an Al Franken senton for a 2-count. Referee Mike
Chioda has
two tickets to paradise...he's got two tickets to
paaaaradiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise. Jericho takes offense to
Blackman's offense and comes up with some offense but here's the entire
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS DEFENSE out to help our Lethal Weapon in his time of
need.
Hey, wait a minute, those aren't football players...those are GIANT
CRUSTACEANS...
with LASER GUNS!!! Blackman meets the strangest people when he's on a
diet.
Y2J is in deep trouble, but suddenly remembers that he's the Ayatollah
of Rock and Rollah,
and begins to play some wild Canadian air guitar for all the ladies out
there. Since this does
nothing to protect him from the giant crustaceans, he is killed and
Blackman wins the I-C
title at &&&:89. Lethal Cheddar celebrates with the murderous mutants
in Saints uniforms,
and the country music industry will never be the same.
Backstage, THE GODFATHER announces that there'll be a V.D. match for the
women's
title, and his HO's are gonna be the special guest referees! I don't
know what a V.D. match
is, but I sure hope it has something to do with Rene Descartes!
RENE DESCARTES vs. TAZZ
Aw, shit...oh well, maybe the V.D. match will serve up some nudity.
Anyway, Tazz comes
out to a very Moody Blues-y theme and announces that his greatest
influence in life has
always been Jeremy Irons. Descartes isn't amused, and he argues that
David Lee Roth
is without a doubt, the man of the century. Tensions rise, and we're
brawlin', babaaay!
Tazz with about 34 punches to the groin of the man who effectively
separated morality from
science, and Rene is down. Tazz tries a figure 3 leg-lock, which
somehow falls short of the
much more popular figure 4. Sign in crowd: "Burger King...Your way,
Right away." That makes as much sense as life on Earth (EXISTENTIALISM
POINTS!). Back to the match...ah, who gives a crap...Tazz and Descartes
are supposed to be leaving for Jim Neidhart Championship Wrestling in a
few weeks anyway. Tommy eats his boogers...tee hee hee.
We go to backstage footage of...nothing. Yep, there is absolutely
nothing going on...no interview, no confrontation, nothing. Well, if
it's not an angle, it's probably just a promo for
WWF's new sub-site, www.EmptyBackstageArea.com.
TOO COOL vs. THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE ALGEBRA BROTHERS in a 3-way
dance for the WWF Tag Team/Senior Duck Hunting Championship.
This is our first look at the Algebra Brothers, who have been doing
vignettes since the late-70's. They're just two guys in tights...and
Second City Television shirts. They are simultaneously attacked by Too
Cool, the Outlaws, RIKISHI, VISCERA, STEVE LOMBARDI, THOSE IDIOTS FROM
THE "TRUTH" COMMMERCIALS, A FLOCK OF MILLION DOLLAR GEESE, and THE MAN
WHO CAME UP WITH THE BASIC FRAMEWORK FOR THE DOG SHOWS. Grandmaster
Sexay gets the most shots in here, but he has an appointment with some
other white people who are attempting to live the
hip-hop lifestyle, and he leaves. Not before passing a law in Nebraska
that says you can't
have unprotected sex while playing Pac-Man and doing long division in
your head. The Outlaws take the upper hand, as Road Dogg takes a set of
keys, shoves them in the ass of
an unlucky Algebra Brother, turns them, and drives the poor sap all the
way to Attractive
Eyeballs, Rhode Island to see if THE EMPEROR SCOTT HUDSON is still
celebrating his
WCW title win. Billy Gunn hits the Fame'asser, but Algebra Brother
Frank forgets to
sell...so he falls and gets pinned out of nowhere. The best finish I
have ever seen...EVER!!! (ever)
Backstage, The Radicals are planning to cut some grass later on. Triple
H styles Stephanie's hair, while X-PAC explains to TORI that some people
just don't like to get phone calls at 3 in the morning. Tori quits her
job at an unidentified phone company, and
it turns out to be the biggest internet news item of the year. (GO
FLYING NUNS!)
CHRIS BENOIT and DEAN MALENKO vs. KELSEY GRAMMAR and DAVID HYDE PIERCE
for the roles of Frasier and Niles Crane
This feud has been a-brewin' ever since the Crippler made that remark
about how Grammar's name is humorously similar to something he learned
about in English. It's those
kind of comments that get you an ass-kickin', Chris. The Wolverine and
The TV Psychiatrist start...oh, BTW, this is the Wolverine from Marvel
Comics. Benoit is on the apron writing a thesis on radiometric carbon
dating and its effect on big sassy black girls. Good match to start, as
our comic book hero goes for a Steve "Sex Machine" Johnson pile driver,
but is blocked as Grammar coins a new term for the skin that accumulates
on pudding if your nasty momma leaves it out on the porch all night.
Everybody in now, and it's a Pier One Imports brawl. Malenko and Benoit
use a bunch of pottery to deflect the TV stars' barrage of electric eel
pheromones (coming out of squirt guns, no less), and the actors are in
trouble. RICKY MORTON runs in and plays Scott Keith (whatever the hell
that means) and we get a Netcop drop for all 4 competitors. First man
up wins the match...Hyde-Pierce is moving...but he falls!...Malenko
lifts his head!!!...but it rolls off after a WWF Attitude guillotine
comes outta nowhere and beheads him...finally Benoit makes it to his
feet, and the world of winged filing cabinet angels will never be the
same. The two Radicals celebrate the fact that they will be taking over
a highly-rated sitcom in less than 3 weeks.
Backstage, we prepare for our main event...BIG SHOW is...MORPHING INTO
AN
ELDER STATESMAN OF ENGLAND!!!
Elsewhere, THE ROCK is....GETTING UPSET OVER THE RECALL OF THOSE POKEMON
TOYS FROM BURGER KING!!!
Still elsewhere, CACTUS JACK is....TRYING TO SING THE LYRICS TO "REMEDY"
FROM THE BLACK CROWES!!!
THE ROCK and CACTUS JACK vs. BIG SHOW and CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black
Crowes for the rights to the name "Feces Column"
I don't know what's up with that name, but I do know that Q-Tip's latest
album is the perfect
cure for Orange Malaria of the Hips. People Magazine's entire staff is
at ringside, and
Kurt Vonnegut doesn't care. Jack and Big Show start...they lock up,
but Show has the key...he detaches his right leg (!) and proceeds to
whale on the best-selling ravioli endorser.
Foley gets up and tries a running Liger bomb, but Show has Jushin
Liger's secret book of
magic spells, and he turns Jack into a boil on Rikishi's...shoulder.
YOU THOUGHT I'D SAY ASS, HUH!!! WHAT?! YOU THINK YOU CAN CALL MY EVERY
MOVE
JUST BECAUSE I IMPLANTED A CHIP IN YOUR BRAINS THAT CAUSES YOU TO THINK
AND ACT JUST LIKE ME??? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BOY
GEORGE POSTER IN YOUR UTILITY ROOM!!! I'LL
BET YOUR UNCLE HAS ONE TOO!!! YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEEN WEREWOLF REPRODUCTION AND OWNING A 1999 TOYOTA
COROLLA!!! HOW DARE YOU VISIBLY CALL SPOTS ON MY
LOCAL RADIO SHOW!!!
Ahhhhhh...now I feel ten times better...oh, the match? KOCH HOME VIDEO,
BABY!!!
See you later, nympho-Anglophiles with broken copy machines.
Brdy. Prche.
The Midnight Train to Motion Sickness
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