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WWF HYPOGLYCEMIA VIII REVIEW

"...damn funny..."

    -Bitchfactor
"...Very non-sequitor...I like."
    -Buff McKenzie
"I was cracking up during the entire review!"
    -Josh
"Less crack, more Cheerios in the morning."
    -James Gowdey
The critics agree...I HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM!!!

I don't............................................................................................seriously.

LARRY KING MOMENT: Sid putting the title up for auction on eBay...that's one of the funniest images I've ever had! Score one for the ruler...of the world.

ON WITH THE FRICKIN' SHOW...

Taped from the amniotic sac of a killer whale at Sea World...

Your hosts are a pair of Rottweilers...JIM ROSS and "SEXUAL CHOCOLATE" JERRY LAWLER

Backstage, TRIPLE H is rolling joints using the classified ads of some newspaper from Boise, Idaho. The rest of DX is playing Twister and listening to the old Weird Al song of the same name. THE RADICALS walk in and announce that they have signed a 40 album deal with Island Records. They're a barbershop quartet now, Honey Smacks!!!

STEVE BLACKMAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO for the Intercontinental Title
Blackman is wearing a Journey shirt for this occasion. Y2J comes out and does a promo about how you should never be able to see your own urinary bladder on the floor of an old Soviet meeting hall and he gets jumped from behind. Blackman takes the offense, with a kick to the spine and an Al Franken senton for a 2-count. Referee Mike Chioda has two tickets to paradise...he's got two tickets to paaaaradiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise. Jericho takes offense to Blackman's offense and comes up with some offense but here's the entire NEW ORLEANS SAINTS DEFENSE out to help our Lethal Weapon in his time of need. Hey, wait a minute, those aren't football players...those are GIANT CRUSTACEANS... with LASER GUNS!!! Blackman meets the strangest people when he's on a diet. Y2J is in deep trouble, but suddenly remembers that he's the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, and begins to play some wild Canadian air guitar for all the ladies out there. Since this does nothing to protect him from the giant crustaceans, he is killed and Blackman wins the I-C title at &&&:89. Lethal Cheddar celebrates with the murderous mutants in Saints uniforms, and the country music industry will never be the same.

Backstage, THE GODFATHER announces that there'll be a V.D. match for the women's title, and his HO's are gonna be the special guest referees! I don't know what a V.D. match is, but I sure hope it has something to do with Rene Descartes!

RENE DESCARTES vs. TAZZ
Aw, shit...oh well, maybe the V.D. match will serve up some nudity. Anyway, Tazz comes out to a very Moody Blues-y theme and announces that his greatest influence in life has always been Jeremy Irons. Descartes isn't amused, and he argues that David Lee Roth is without a doubt, the man of the century. Tensions rise, and we're brawlin', babaaay! Tazz with about 34 punches to the groin of the man who effectively separated morality from science, and Rene is down. Tazz tries a figure 3 leg-lock, which somehow falls short of the much more popular figure 4. Sign in crowd: "Burger King...Your way, Right away." That makes as much sense as life on Earth (EXISTENTIALISM POINTS!). Back to the match...ah, who gives a crap...Tazz and Descartes are supposed to be leaving for Jim Neidhart Championship Wrestling in a few weeks anyway. Tommy eats his boogers...tee hee hee.

We go to backstage footage of...nothing. Yep, there is absolutely nothing going on...no interview, no confrontation, nothing. Well, if it's not an angle, it's probably just a promo for WWF's new sub-site, www.EmptyBackstageArea.com.

TOO COOL vs. THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE ALGEBRA BROTHERS in a 3-way dance for the WWF Tag Team/Senior Duck Hunting Championship.
This is our first look at the Algebra Brothers, who have been doing vignettes since the late-70's. They're just two guys in tights...and Second City Television shirts. They are simultaneously attacked by Too Cool, the Outlaws, RIKISHI, VISCERA, STEVE LOMBARDI, THOSE IDIOTS FROM THE "TRUTH" COMMMERCIALS, A FLOCK OF MILLION DOLLAR GEESE, and THE MAN WHO CAME UP WITH THE BASIC FRAMEWORK FOR THE DOG SHOWS. Grandmaster Sexay gets the most shots in here, but he has an appointment with some other white people who are attempting to live the hip-hop lifestyle, and he leaves. Not before passing a law in Nebraska that says you can't have unprotected sex while playing Pac-Man and doing long division in your head. The Outlaws take the upper hand, as Road Dogg takes a set of keys, shoves them in the ass of an unlucky Algebra Brother, turns them, and drives the poor sap all the way to Attractive Eyeballs, Rhode Island to see if THE EMPEROR SCOTT HUDSON is still celebrating his WCW title win. Billy Gunn hits the Fame'asser, but Algebra Brother Frank forgets to sell...so he falls and gets pinned out of nowhere. The best finish I have ever seen...EVER!!! (ever)

Backstage, The Radicals are planning to cut some grass later on. Triple H styles Stephanie's hair, while X-PAC explains to TORI that some people just don't like to get phone calls at 3 in the morning. Tori quits her job at an unidentified phone company, and it turns out to be the biggest internet news item of the year. (GO FLYING NUNS!)

CHRIS BENOIT and DEAN MALENKO vs. KELSEY GRAMMAR and DAVID HYDE PIERCE for the roles of Frasier and Niles Crane
This feud has been a-brewin' ever since the Crippler made that remark about how Grammar's name is humorously similar to something he learned about in English. It's those kind of comments that get you an ass-kickin', Chris. The Wolverine and The TV Psychiatrist start...oh, BTW, this is the Wolverine from Marvel Comics. Benoit is on the apron writing a thesis on radiometric carbon dating and its effect on big sassy black girls. Good match to start, as our comic book hero goes for a Steve "Sex Machine" Johnson pile driver, but is blocked as Grammar coins a new term for the skin that accumulates on pudding if your nasty momma leaves it out on the porch all night. Everybody in now, and it's a Pier One Imports brawl. Malenko and Benoit use a bunch of pottery to deflect the TV stars' barrage of electric eel pheromones (coming out of squirt guns, no less), and the actors are in trouble. RICKY MORTON runs in and plays Scott Keith (whatever the hell that means) and we get a Netcop drop for all 4 competitors. First man up wins the match...Hyde-Pierce is moving...but he falls!...Malenko lifts his head!!!...but it rolls off after a WWF Attitude guillotine comes outta nowhere and beheads him...finally Benoit makes it to his feet, and the world of winged filing cabinet angels will never be the same. The two Radicals celebrate the fact that they will be taking over a highly-rated sitcom in less than 3 weeks.

Backstage, we prepare for our main event...BIG SHOW is...MORPHING INTO AN ELDER STATESMAN OF ENGLAND!!!

Elsewhere, THE ROCK is....GETTING UPSET OVER THE RECALL OF THOSE POKEMON TOYS FROM BURGER KING!!!

Still elsewhere, CACTUS JACK is....TRYING TO SING THE LYRICS TO "REMEDY"

FROM THE BLACK CROWES!!!

THE ROCK and CACTUS JACK vs. BIG SHOW and CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes for the rights to the name "Feces Column"
I don't know what's up with that name, but I do know that Q-Tip's latest album is the perfect cure for Orange Malaria of the Hips. People Magazine's entire staff is at ringside, and Kurt Vonnegut doesn't care. Jack and Big Show start...they lock up, but Show has the key...he detaches his right leg (!) and proceeds to whale on the best-selling ravioli endorser. Foley gets up and tries a running Liger bomb, but Show has Jushin Liger's secret book of magic spells, and he turns Jack into a boil on Rikishi's...shoulder. YOU THOUGHT I'D SAY ASS, HUH!!! WHAT?! YOU THINK YOU CAN CALL MY EVERY MOVE JUST BECAUSE I IMPLANTED A CHIP IN YOUR BRAINS THAT CAUSES YOU TO THINK AND ACT JUST LIKE ME??? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BOY GEORGE POSTER IN YOUR UTILITY ROOM!!! I'LL BET YOUR UNCLE HAS ONE TOO!!! YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEEN WEREWOLF REPRODUCTION AND OWNING A 1999 TOYOTA COROLLA!!! HOW DARE YOU VISIBLY CALL SPOTS ON MY LOCAL RADIO SHOW!!!

Ahhhhhh...now I feel ten times better...oh, the match? KOCH HOME VIDEO, BABY!!!

See you later, nympho-Anglophiles with broken copy machines.

Brdy. Prche.
The Midnight Train to Motion Sickness
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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission