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WCW BRAIN DEDD 2000 REVIEW

Live from the Summer's Eve Center in Attractive Eyeballs, Rhode Island...

This show is dedicated to VAMPIRO, who died five years ago today. WCW wishes him good luck in his match tonight.

Your hosts are MIKE TENAY, TONY SCHIAVONE, and BOBBY HEENAN, who has his faced buried in a bag of barbecued potato chips. Tenay and Schiavone are amusing themselves by doing "nerd hi-fives". Eventually, they get around to mentioning that there will be a match between Kevin Nash and Ric Flair...winner gets a title shot at Sid TONIGHT, MU'FUKKAHHH. We go to the ring...

MADUSA vs. LASH LEROUX in a Radioactive Sex Match
Our competitors are wearing inanimate carbon strap-on's, which will be used to violate the opponent. First person to slip it in gets the victory. This should be pretty ugly... because Madusa's not a wrestler, NOT because they're wearing neon green dildoes, oh noooo. They lock up, but Leroux has the key, and he breaks into an inverted Murphy Brown suplex for a 2 count. Man, you go to a Wal-Mart here in South Louisiana...Lash Leroux merchandise EVERYWHERE...tee hee hee. Anyway, Madusa gets up and

summons the powers of Venus or some crap and chokeslams Leroux into the turnbuckle from across the ring. She doffs the strap-on and does her own version of the Bronco Buster, which I'll call the Repetitive Pootie Splash for legal purposes. Lash is unfazed, as he grabs a loaf of wheat bread from under the ring and WHOMPS Alundra Blayze in huh dam face, beeyotch. He pulls the patriotic ass pants down and PUMPS DAT THANG for the victory at 6:49. *R)(#$(*)()(***7/8. Matches like these happen in my Mass Communications class all the time.

Backstage, SID is pacing around in a softball uniform. He plays for the Phoenix Inflatable Salad Shooters, apparently.

Elsewhere, KAZ HAYASHI is blowing lizards up in a microwave.

THE MAMALUkES and DISCO INFERNO vs. MYSTERY OPPONENTS
Big Vito and Johnny the Bull discuss the sheeting action of Tide with Bleach while some really bizarre music plays. Sounds like the theme from The Jetsons, only with an Irish folk tinge and a hint of Yes's Tales from Topographic Oceans. Then, the pyro erupts, and THE TOTAL PACKAGE comes sprinting out, followed by THE MAESTRO and HUGH MORRUS. Oh, they're wearing red spandex body suits with Oreo cookie symbols all over them. Lex cuts a promo...apparently, he and his new cronies will now be known as the SUPER-BIONIC FOOTBALL HELMETS from EGYPT. Maestro and Morrus play some air guitar while Lex grabs a writ of habeas corpus from the Seventeenth Century and clocks Disco for the pin at :::::::384398>>>. ***@!! for lack of a proper buildup for the Football Helmets. Hardy Boyz music plays, since WCW is seriously fucked up right now.

Backstage, Mean Gene is walking a treadmill. Oh, and interviewing VAMPIRO, who is currently decomposing. Vamp says that a well-known rap duo will be accompanying him to ringside tonight. The ENTIRE CROWD leaves the arena to get their ICP merchandise from home.

SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY vs. SHOWERIN' MARK MADDEN in an Empty Arena match, since everyone's still getting their ICP stuff.
Man, this is gross. Smiley thinks twice about doing the big wiggle to set up any of his moves. The Wet Net Nanny just stands there and gets all cleaned up while Norman gets out his laptop and chats with friends on ICQ. Match finally picks up when Mark goes to write a column, and Norman counters that move by doing an inverted column on a competing website. Realizing that this ain't gonna work, he hooks the Chicken Wing and Big Boy Bias taps out at 2938:09809. Every surviving member of both Washington Senators baseball teams comes down to ringside to do the wiggle. #*)*#(**.

Backstage, BUFF BAGWELL stands around and says stuff about how he is the stuff, but BUFF McKENZIE runs up, dumps a vat of oatmeal on him, and releases a cage full of Wiford Brimley clones. ERIC BISCHOFF pops into the picture and proclaims that Shawn Michaels will win the Intercontinental Title tomorrow night on Raw, despite the fact that HBK has been out of action for nearly 2 years. BILL BUSCH runs up and gives Easy E his job back.

KEVIN NASH vs. RIC FLAIR for the Title Shot
Nash and Hall enter first. Nash tries to piece together a joke he heard the other day about siamese gophers, and Hall groggily works over a bucket of Hot Wings. The Bad Guy takes the mic, says "Hey yo.", and sells a phantom clothesline for no apparent reason. Every guy in the front row whips it out and pisses into the ring. This match is gonna be SATURATED, babaaaaaaaay!!! Flair comes out with a shirt that says "WHOOOOO" and some pants that were stolen from the set of Fish, starring Abe Vigoda. Flair says you shouldn't WHOOOO take WHOOO drugs that make you BY GOD see fat boys waiting in line at Space Mountain TWO TIME TWO TIME TWO TIME (WHOOO pt. 57). The match gets off to a slow start, but finishes very quickly as Bobby Heenan throws a cinder block at Nash's head, killing him instantly. The Brain looks around like nothing happened, while Tenay and Schiavone's jaws lie on the floor in horror. Ric Flair will face Sid tonight, and I have to wonder if Bill Cosby's head really IS the worst thing you can find in the garbage can of the ladies' room at Dollar General. ***LFJK(moo).

We go to an ad break, despite the fact that this is a PPV. WCW really needs a hug.

WCW Penis Pump ad features Scott Steiner attempting to explain the humorous connection between his nickname and the name of the product, but gets disoriented and collapses on the floor.

WCW Power Plant ad features Paul Orndorff standing in the middle of an empty ring growling incoherently. A doberman pinscher is seen pinsching a loef in the background.

Backstage, Ric Flair goes into religious ecstacy over a cheese sandwich, and Dustin Rhodes is playing hackey sack with some right-wing Christians.

Elsewhere backstage, Kaz Hayashi is still blowing up lizards in the microwave. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

VAMPIRO vs. BAM BAM BIGELOW for the Hardcore/TV/Welterweight/Australian Outback Title
BBB comes in and swears that he didn't see ANY of Judge Judy last night. Vamp comes next, and just before the crowd nuts itself in awe of ICP, out comes....PM DAWN. Schiavone announces that they're gonna do a live performance of Set Adrift On Memory Bliss tonight after the main event, hopefully with no run-in's from the NWO or Spandau Ballet. BBB tries to remove the tattoos from his head with a plastic fork, and Vampiro throws dust from his own skin into Bammer's face. Rombicular pinning combination gets Vamp the win at 34:888 (24:888 Rolex time), but he completely disintegrates halfway down the aisle. Prince Be and the Other Guy vow to defend his title as long as The Price Is Right is still in syndication up in Olympia, Washington. The Rock's music plays, since WCW has some real issues right now.

Backstage, Ric Flair ascends to Purgatory, putting the WCW Championship Committee in a very bad position. Who's gonna get the title shot??? Mean Gene's gonna find out, you just wait!!!

Elsewhere, Kaz Hayashi is blowing up microwaves inside of a giant lizard. J.J. Dillon is so impressed that Kaz is given the Cruiserweight Title. The lizard's shirt says "Hey, Roland!"

Footage from a Randy Savage press conference...the Macho Man admits that he's been shoving Slim Jim's up his ass for the last five years. His justification? Slim Jim's contain small cameras which allow you to examine your colon for international objects, such as paper clips, and briefcases and such. Sigh...it's an advert after all.

Mean Gene has found the elusive WCW Championship Committee!!! It's just TERRY TAYLOR and a bunch of parrots. You can't say "parrot" on WCW TV, so our feathered friends are referred to as "Vivid Tropical Birds." Terry Taylor is carrying a copy of Chicken Soup for the Rooster's Soul. He announces that Ric Flair's replacement will be... none other than a cracker. Damn parr..uh, vivid tropical birds. Gene is confused...who's a cracker? Taylor reasons that SCOTT HUDSON is a cracker, so he will get the title shot....NEXT!!!

SID VICIOUS vs. SCOTT HUDSON for the WCW Heavyweight Title
Sid comes out with about 10-15 squirrels perched on his arms and head. He cuts a promo on Hudson, saying "Eeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah...gowiueodjl.sl dkjsweowiueofwidj skajdlfjkasldkfjsldkjfslkdjflskdjflskjldkjleoiwet 4t2808t09!!!! The millenium maaaaaaaaahslkdjflwejwoiu!!!!" Hudson makes his entrance...in a TOGA!!! With a bunch of ROMAN GUYS!!! And he's DRUNK OFF HIS ASS!!! Hudson grabs the mic..."Citizens of Rhode Island...I am the Emperor Scott Hudson...and as your Emperor...I would like to introduce you...to the Fourth Triumvirate!!!" He grabs his package and falls over laughing. Sid gains some early offense with a right, a right, a right, a left, a nail, a toothbrush, a Lynyrd Skynyrd bootleg cassette, and another right. Scott Hudson won't stop laughing, despite the fact that he's getting his ass thrown from pillar to post. The Roman guys are now fighting the squirrels outside. Tony says "Marshmallow shit." and it doesn't get bleeped. Heenan tries to say "parrot" and is executed on the spot. Sid drops an elbow and triggers an NAACP parade 180 miles away. Soup is on. Scott Hudson is drunk. Sign in crowd says "Hogan Does Pedophile Aerobics." I thought Rick Scaia said that wasn't true. What a stuporous funker he is. Anyway, speaking of Hogan, he says, to hell with all this (it doesn't get bleeped) and does his own pyro-loving entrance at the top of the ramp. He stands there and flexes for about 17 minutes but the crowd fails to notice any of it. Sid trounces Hudson with a series of kicks, and some HHH knee drops and knee headlocks and knee moonsaults and stuff. Tenay thinks Scott is the founder of the Hudson Bay clothing line and congratulates him on his success. Tony says that Mike marks out for his own asshole, and it doesn't get bleeped. Hogan is attacked at the top of the ramp by Spice and her new faction, The Spice Rack, which consists of Me, CRZ, Garo Yepremian, Prince Iaukea (Why you wanna treat me so bad?), the second Lionel off The Jeffersons, and 4x4. We all brawl to the back. Sign in crowd: "Goldberg sells his kids for donuts." Scott Hudson seems to love every minute of this complete decimation, but he refuses to quit. The WCW Championship Committee looks on...did one of the parrots just say something about how the Turner Building smells like piss on the inside? If it did, there was no bleep. Anyway, Hudson is in deep trouble, and 3 of the Roman guys go to the back. They come back out with a HUGE CATAPULT in tow. Sid is distracted, and Hudson is lifted onto the catapult. They launch him all the way across the arena, he hits Sid with a flying headscissors, crawls over, and pins him for the WCW Heavyweight Title at (I don't:believe in time). Hudson is carried all the way to the top of the ramp, and an orgy breaks out when 78 VESTAL VIRGINS come out for the celebration. PM Dawn is in the ring to perform...Hudson is sucking on a bong like there's no tomorrow...Bitchfactor is seen swatting at a Roman guy with a bag of prunes...Tony says that Bischoff has been re-fired for smashing ketchup packets with Kaz Hayashi in the back...Hudson yells something about a $22 tittie-fuck at the camera, and it does not get bleeped out. PM Dawn close out their performance with a shot-out to their homey Vampiro, when suddenly, there's something coming from the rafters!!! IS IT STING??? IT'S STING!!! IT'S STING!!! No, it's David Penzer coming down to confirm my hypothesis...this is the end of the show.

All in all, a show that makes me want to do the Moker Shuffle on the giant blue sunspot on my brain.

Vaguely recommended.

Brdy. Prche.
The Midnight Train to Motion Sickness
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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission