WCW BRAIN DEDD 2000 REVIEW
Live from the Summer's Eve Center in Attractive Eyeballs, Rhode
Island...
This show is dedicated to VAMPIRO, who died five years ago today. WCW
wishes
him good luck in his match tonight.
Your hosts are MIKE TENAY, TONY SCHIAVONE, and BOBBY HEENAN, who has his
faced buried in a bag of barbecued potato chips. Tenay and Schiavone
are amusing themselves by doing "nerd hi-fives". Eventually, they get
around to mentioning
that there will be a match between Kevin Nash and Ric Flair...winner
gets a title shot
at Sid TONIGHT, MU'FUKKAHHH. We go to the ring...
MADUSA vs. LASH LEROUX in a Radioactive Sex Match
Our competitors are wearing inanimate carbon strap-on's, which will be
used to violate
the opponent. First person to slip it in gets the victory. This should
be pretty ugly...
because Madusa's not a wrestler, NOT because they're wearing neon green
dildoes, oh
noooo. They lock up, but Leroux has the key, and he breaks into an
inverted Murphy
Brown suplex for a 2 count. Man, you go to a Wal-Mart here in South
Louisiana...Lash
Leroux merchandise EVERYWHERE...tee hee hee. Anyway, Madusa gets up and
summons the powers of Venus or some crap and chokeslams Leroux into the
turnbuckle
from across the ring. She doffs the strap-on and does her own version
of the Bronco
Buster, which I'll call the Repetitive Pootie Splash for legal
purposes. Lash is unfazed,
as he grabs a loaf of wheat bread from under the ring and WHOMPS Alundra
Blayze
in huh dam face, beeyotch. He pulls the patriotic ass pants down and
PUMPS DAT THANG for the victory at 6:49. *R)(#$(*)()(***7/8. Matches
like these happen in my
Mass Communications class all the time.
Backstage, SID is pacing around in a softball uniform. He plays for the
Phoenix Inflatable
Salad Shooters, apparently.
Elsewhere, KAZ HAYASHI is blowing lizards up in a microwave.
THE MAMALUkES and DISCO INFERNO vs. MYSTERY OPPONENTS
Big Vito and Johnny the Bull discuss the sheeting action of Tide with
Bleach while some
really bizarre music plays. Sounds like the theme from The Jetsons,
only with an Irish
folk tinge and a hint of Yes's Tales from Topographic Oceans. Then, the
pyro erupts,
and THE TOTAL PACKAGE comes sprinting out, followed by THE MAESTRO and
HUGH MORRUS. Oh, they're wearing red spandex body suits with Oreo
cookie symbols all over them. Lex cuts a promo...apparently, he and his
new cronies will now
be known as the SUPER-BIONIC FOOTBALL HELMETS from EGYPT. Maestro
and Morrus play some air guitar while Lex grabs a writ of habeas corpus
from the Seventeenth Century and clocks Disco for the pin at
:::::::384398>>>. ***@!! for lack of a proper buildup for the Football
Helmets. Hardy Boyz music plays, since WCW is seriously fucked up right
now.
Backstage, Mean Gene is walking a treadmill. Oh, and interviewing
VAMPIRO, who is
currently decomposing. Vamp says that a well-known rap duo will be
accompanying him
to ringside tonight. The ENTIRE CROWD leaves the arena to get their ICP
merchandise
from home.
SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY vs. SHOWERIN' MARK MADDEN in an Empty Arena
match, since everyone's still getting their ICP stuff.
Man, this is gross. Smiley thinks twice about doing the big wiggle to
set up any of his moves. The Wet Net Nanny just stands there and gets
all cleaned up while Norman
gets out his laptop and chats with friends on ICQ. Match finally picks
up when Mark
goes to write a column, and Norman counters that move by doing an
inverted column
on a competing website. Realizing that this ain't gonna work, he hooks
the Chicken Wing
and Big Boy Bias taps out at 2938:09809. Every surviving member of both
Washington
Senators baseball teams comes down to ringside to do the wiggle.
#*)*#(**.
Backstage, BUFF BAGWELL stands around and says stuff about how he is the
stuff, but
BUFF McKENZIE runs up, dumps a vat of oatmeal on him, and releases a
cage full of
Wiford Brimley clones. ERIC BISCHOFF pops into the picture and
proclaims that
Shawn Michaels will win the Intercontinental Title tomorrow night on
Raw, despite the fact
that HBK has been out of action for nearly 2 years. BILL BUSCH runs up
and gives
Easy E his job back.
KEVIN NASH vs. RIC FLAIR for the Title Shot
Nash and Hall enter first. Nash tries to piece together a joke he heard
the other day about siamese gophers, and Hall groggily works over a
bucket of Hot Wings. The Bad
Guy takes the mic, says "Hey yo.", and sells a phantom clothesline for
no apparent reason.
Every guy in the front row whips it out and pisses into the ring. This
match is gonna be
SATURATED, babaaaaaaaay!!! Flair comes out with a shirt that says
"WHOOOOO"
and some pants that were stolen from the set of Fish, starring Abe
Vigoda. Flair says
you shouldn't WHOOOO take WHOOO drugs that make you BY GOD see fat boys
waiting in line at Space Mountain TWO TIME TWO TIME TWO TIME (WHOOO pt.
57). The match gets off to a slow start, but finishes very quickly as
Bobby Heenan
throws a cinder block at Nash's head, killing him instantly. The Brain
looks around like
nothing happened, while Tenay and Schiavone's jaws lie on the floor in
horror. Ric Flair
will face Sid tonight, and I have to wonder if Bill Cosby's head really
IS the worst thing
you can find in the garbage can of the ladies' room at Dollar General.
***LFJK(moo).
We go to an ad break, despite the fact that this is a PPV. WCW really
needs a hug.
WCW Penis Pump ad features Scott Steiner attempting to explain the
humorous connection between his nickname and the name of the product,
but gets disoriented and
collapses on the floor.
WCW Power Plant ad features Paul Orndorff standing in the middle of an
empty ring
growling incoherently. A doberman pinscher is seen pinsching a loef in
the background.
Backstage, Ric Flair goes into religious ecstacy over a cheese sandwich,
and Dustin Rhodes is playing hackey sack with some right-wing
Christians.
Elsewhere backstage, Kaz Hayashi is still blowing up lizards in the
microwave. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???
VAMPIRO vs. BAM BAM BIGELOW for the Hardcore/TV/Welterweight/Australian
Outback Title
BBB comes in and swears that he didn't see ANY of Judge Judy last
night. Vamp comes next, and just before the crowd nuts itself in awe of
ICP, out comes....PM DAWN.
Schiavone announces that they're gonna do a live performance of Set
Adrift On Memory
Bliss tonight after the main event, hopefully with no run-in's from the
NWO or Spandau
Ballet. BBB tries to remove the tattoos from his head with a plastic
fork, and Vampiro
throws dust from his own skin into Bammer's face. Rombicular pinning
combination gets Vamp the win at 34:888 (24:888 Rolex time), but he
completely disintegrates halfway down the aisle. Prince Be and the
Other Guy vow to defend his title as long as The Price
Is Right is still in syndication up in Olympia, Washington. The Rock's
music plays, since
WCW has some real issues right now.
Backstage, Ric Flair ascends to Purgatory, putting the WCW Championship
Committee
in a very bad position. Who's gonna get the title shot??? Mean Gene's
gonna find out,
you just wait!!!
Elsewhere, Kaz Hayashi is blowing up microwaves inside of a giant
lizard. J.J. Dillon is
so impressed that Kaz is given the Cruiserweight Title. The lizard's
shirt says "Hey, Roland!"
Footage from a Randy Savage press conference...the Macho Man admits that
he's been
shoving Slim Jim's up his ass for the last five years. His
justification? Slim Jim's contain
small cameras which allow you to examine your colon for international
objects, such as
paper clips, and briefcases and such. Sigh...it's an advert after all.
Mean Gene has found the elusive WCW Championship Committee!!! It's just
TERRY TAYLOR and a bunch of parrots. You can't say "parrot" on WCW TV,
so our feathered friends are referred to as "Vivid Tropical Birds."
Terry Taylor is carrying a copy of Chicken Soup for the Rooster's Soul.
He announces that Ric Flair's replacement will be...
none other than a cracker. Damn parr..uh, vivid tropical birds. Gene
is confused...who's
a cracker? Taylor reasons that SCOTT HUDSON is a cracker, so he will
get the title
shot....NEXT!!!
SID VICIOUS vs. SCOTT HUDSON for the WCW Heavyweight Title
Sid comes out with about 10-15 squirrels perched on his arms and head.
He cuts a promo on Hudson, saying "Eeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah...gowiueodjl.sl
dkjsweowiueofwidj
skajdlfjkasldkfjsldkjfslkdjflskdjflskjldkjleoiwet 4t2808t09!!!! The
millenium maaaaaaaaahslkdjflwejwoiu!!!!" Hudson makes his entrance...in
a TOGA!!!
With a bunch of ROMAN GUYS!!! And he's DRUNK OFF HIS ASS!!! Hudson
grabs the mic..."Citizens of Rhode Island...I am the Emperor Scott
Hudson...and as your
Emperor...I would like to introduce you...to the Fourth Triumvirate!!!"
He grabs his package and falls over laughing. Sid gains some early
offense with a right, a right, a right,
a left, a nail, a toothbrush, a Lynyrd Skynyrd bootleg cassette, and
another right. Scott
Hudson won't stop laughing, despite the fact that he's getting his ass
thrown from pillar to
post. The Roman guys are now fighting the squirrels outside. Tony says
"Marshmallow
shit." and it doesn't get bleeped. Heenan tries to say "parrot" and is
executed on the spot.
Sid drops an elbow and triggers an NAACP parade 180 miles away. Soup is
on. Scott
Hudson is drunk. Sign in crowd says "Hogan Does Pedophile Aerobics." I
thought Rick
Scaia said that wasn't true. What a stuporous funker he is. Anyway,
speaking of Hogan,
he says, to hell with all this (it doesn't get bleeped) and does his own
pyro-loving entrance
at the top of the ramp. He stands there and flexes for about 17 minutes
but the crowd
fails to notice any of it. Sid trounces Hudson with a series of kicks,
and some HHH knee drops and knee headlocks and knee moonsaults and
stuff. Tenay thinks Scott is the founder of the Hudson Bay clothing
line and congratulates him on his success. Tony says
that Mike marks out for his own asshole, and it doesn't get bleeped.
Hogan is attacked
at the top of the ramp by Spice and her new faction, The Spice Rack,
which consists of
Me, CRZ, Garo Yepremian, Prince Iaukea (Why you wanna treat me so bad?),
the second Lionel off The Jeffersons, and 4x4. We all brawl to the
back. Sign in crowd:
"Goldberg sells his kids for donuts." Scott Hudson seems to love every
minute of this
complete decimation, but he refuses to quit. The WCW Championship
Committee looks
on...did one of the parrots just say something about how the Turner
Building smells like
piss on the inside? If it did, there was no bleep. Anyway, Hudson is
in deep trouble, and
3 of the Roman guys go to the back. They come back out with a HUGE
CATAPULT in
tow. Sid is distracted, and Hudson is lifted onto the catapult. They
launch him all the way across the arena, he hits Sid with a flying
headscissors, crawls over, and pins him for the WCW Heavyweight Title at
(I don't:believe in time). Hudson is carried all the way
to the top of the ramp, and an orgy breaks out when 78 VESTAL VIRGINS
come out for the celebration. PM Dawn is in the ring to
perform...Hudson is sucking on a bong
like there's no tomorrow...Bitchfactor is seen swatting at a Roman guy
with a bag of
prunes...Tony says that Bischoff has been re-fired for smashing ketchup
packets with Kaz Hayashi in the back...Hudson yells something about a
$22 tittie-fuck at the camera, and it does not get bleeped out. PM Dawn
close out their performance with a shot-out to their homey Vampiro, when
suddenly, there's something coming from the rafters!!! IS IT STING???
IT'S STING!!! IT'S STING!!! No, it's David Penzer coming down to confirm
my hypothesis...this is the end of the show.
All in all, a show that makes me want to do the Moker Shuffle on the
giant blue sunspot
on my brain.
Vaguely recommended.
Brdy. Prche.
The Midnight Train to Motion Sickness
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