REVIEW OF WWF EXTRA CHEESE 1999, 2000
Man, this PPV gives me CHILLS when I think about it...I can only hope
that my REVIEW of it will do the same to you! (haveanorgasmnow)
Live from Mmsldkfjsldjlakjsl, New Murphyshire
Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jim Ross 5000, and Jim Ross Power Plus Gold
TEST vs. D'Lo BROWN in an Encephalitis Match
Test starts it off with his Lou Reed spinebuster, then goes into the
corner to shoot approximately 2 pints of heroin. The bruise actually
APPEARS on his forearm DURING THE MATCH. Anyway, D'Lo follows up with
his flying Monkey Scrotum off the top rope, killing Test and ending
Stephanie McMahon's hopes of gettin' some that night. (This was before
the whole HHH-takes-over-the-company-with-an-automatic-blender thing,
mind you.) Luckily, some guy in the audience has access to an
Anti-Mercitron, which reverses the effects of death, and Test is
resurrected. D'Lo shits in his pants (literally) and is disqualified
for bad hygiene. ****************1/3. Pretty average match.
X-PAC vs. THE BIG SHOW (with Dylan McDermott and 40 Dead Siamese Squids)
X to the P to the A to the C grabs an uzi and shoots himself in the
mouth, prompting
Kane to come out in his old Isaac Yankem outfit carrying a black leather
bag. Big Show
is confused out of his mind, so he grabs a mic and starts yakking with
McDermott about
how important it is to have a healthy exchange with your neighbors.
Once X-Pac's
dental work is finished, his whole face looks like the front of a 1929
Chevy Impala with
a bumper sticker that says "Don't Be Bustin' My Bippety Barrel." Big
Show yells "aHHHHit's time for me to impersonate Will Smith!!!" and he
does. This gives X-Pac
the chance to conjure up 27 of the 30 Principalities of Purgatory and
it's ON, baby!!!
Big Show gets halfway through that "kick ET's ass" line from
Independence Day when
a flying black leopard plunges from the ceiling and bites right into his
neck. Show doesn't feel a thing. X-Pac runs out of the building and
hails a taxi...the camera follows him all
the way to some strip joint in Tijuana, where an old man named Maurice
convinces him to
go into the swimming pool noodle industry. Big Show entertains the
already-hot crowd
with some decent condom jokes. ******7*** for McDermott's innovative
earmuffs.
HARDCORE HOLLY vs. AL SNOW vs. WOLF BLITZER of CNN for the Hardcore
Title
Holly and Snow team up on Blitzer, and he gets his ass beat thoroughly.
They brawl all
over the building, which is strange because this PPV took place at a
busy intersection
in Battle Creek, Michigan. Oh well...Holly climbs to the top of a hot
dog stand, but
is attacked from behind by a masked wrestler carrying $22.73 in nickels
in his tights. The
wrestler goes away, and is never seen again. Holly gets up and acts out
a scene from
Nathan Lane's Mousehunt movie, while Snow remembers that he has an
appointment with
his ear, nose and throat guy. The title is awarded to a nearby fan, who
immediately
stops to really think about free enterprise for a moment. Man, the WWF
sure was murky
during that 2-day period when Matthew Broderick was head of the booking
committee.
Overall, the match blew like wind through the shifting strands of wheat
in a virtual Heaven's corner...Omaha, Nebraska....**.
BIG BOSS MAN vs. NEIL YOUNG in a Monkey Shit on a Pole Match
Neil Young was still searching for a heart of gold in this match...Big
Boss Man was searching for heartburn. Anyway, Young pulls an amazing
spot, climbing to the top rope,
catching a weedeater from an audience plant, then jumping into the air,
flipping 3 times,
and nutting himself on the turnbuckle ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING.
The
weedeater cuts his head right down the middle, and blood goes all over
the crowd,
getting the biggest pop of the night. Boss Man is okay though, since he
has apparently
vanished without a trace. Oh, there he is, up in the rafters, smoking a
cigarette with
the man who invented bleach. Match was ******33/102 at best, since no
one even
bothered to grab the bag of monkey shit.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. DUMBASS DOUG, TESTO MOLESTO IV, and THE NEVADA STING
RAY in a Blindfolded Lucha Libre Match with Drugged-Up Cobra Snakes
Circling The Ring
The NAO do their usual speil, but every member of the crowd has been
implanted with
a chip that causes one to see visions of sugar plums raping the Talking
Heads. Testo
Molesto IV is in first, and he looks just HORRIBLE compared to the
previous three
Testo's. His corkscrew piledriver makes my roommate look like Lou
Ferrigno, when
actually he looks more like Lou Ferrigno. Bad Ass Billy Gunn is tagged
in, and he
does the famous iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, but is WAFFLED with,
well...
a waffle. Molesto gets the lukewarm tag to Dumbass Doug, but his moves
look so much
like I.R.S.'s that I have to wonder if there's any Chinese food left in
my fridge from last
night. I.R.S actually runs in at one point, but The Nevada Sting Ray
comes in and
does a United Nations Bomb off the top to finally knock the arterial
speedbumps out of Rotundo's brain. Road Dogg comes in and gets the juke
jivin' elbow on The Sting Ray,
but is kicked in the nuts. Finally, Dumbass Doug brings in a box of
Wheat Thins, and
everybody eats for the no-contest at 3:59. ********(*). Good match,
but Japanese
puroresu shouldn't have to pay a lot for this vibrator.
THE ROCK vs. HHH vs. THE LEAD SINGER FROM TOTO for the WWF Title
This match would go on to become Time Magazine's no. 1 reason to live in
the millennium
last year. It was almost beat out by the fact that Van Halen's "Right
Now" was used
in advertisements for Crystal Pepsi, but I think the voters have
spoken. The Rock comes
out and says stuff about how you should never smell raw meat under your
bed, but HHH
comes in with a big metal "H" and nearly kills Rock with it. The guy
from Toto is next,
and his theme music is "Danger Zone" from Kenny Loggins. Fuck you,
WWF. Anyway,
a good brawl to start, with HHH getting the most of the fact that the
Toto guy is piss poor
in every way. H's knee is the heavy favorite to win, but the crowd is
firmly in the corner
of the People's Champ...because they've all been chained to it like
slaves in a death camp.
H tries to put the boot to the stomach on the Rock, but my lawyer busts
into my room,
and it's a Pier Two brawl from there. He throws me against my wall,
ripping my Dom
Deluise poster, and follows it up with a mid-air inverted enziguiri with
a twist and a big
French kiss. Nasty bastard. I get up and offer my sexual services to
his wife, but then
I remember that I'm reviewing a PPV here, and my attention returns just
in time to see
the Toto guy tapping out to HHH's double-arm Action Jackson Frosted
Flakes with Sand in my Shorts chinlock at 187:90. HHH retains the title
and goes on to free the state of
Delaware from a devastating hairline fracture that I suffered while
performing an abortion
on the back of a speeding motorcycle in Denver last February.
****************x191. Wow, sometimes the best matches are the ones you
watch
before your lawyer attacks you with an advanced copy of Norm McDonald's
new book,
I Can't Decide Which Chick's Ass I Want To Grab When I Go To The Cafe At
K-Mart.
All in all, a great show with some solid wrestling action and just a
hint of sports entertainment weaved in for that distinct WWF edge.
Strongly recommended.
ydarB ehcroP
freelance
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