You are here /wrestling
/guests
/ehcroP
Guest Columns

ydarB ehcroP

Main

BLAH

REVIEW OF WWF EXTRA CHEESE 1999, 2000

Man, this PPV gives me CHILLS when I think about it...I can only hope that my REVIEW of it will do the same to you! (haveanorgasmnow)

Live from Mmsldkfjsldjlakjsl, New Murphyshire

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jim Ross 5000, and Jim Ross Power Plus Gold

TEST vs. D'Lo BROWN in an Encephalitis Match
Test starts it off with his Lou Reed spinebuster, then goes into the corner to shoot approximately 2 pints of heroin. The bruise actually APPEARS on his forearm DURING THE MATCH. Anyway, D'Lo follows up with his flying Monkey Scrotum off the top rope, killing Test and ending Stephanie McMahon's hopes of gettin' some that night. (This was before the whole HHH-takes-over-the-company-with-an-automatic-blender thing, mind you.) Luckily, some guy in the audience has access to an Anti-Mercitron, which reverses the effects of death, and Test is resurrected. D'Lo shits in his pants (literally) and is disqualified for bad hygiene. ****************1/3. Pretty average match.

X-PAC vs. THE BIG SHOW (with Dylan McDermott and 40 Dead Siamese Squids)

X to the P to the A to the C grabs an uzi and shoots himself in the mouth, prompting Kane to come out in his old Isaac Yankem outfit carrying a black leather bag. Big Show is confused out of his mind, so he grabs a mic and starts yakking with McDermott about how important it is to have a healthy exchange with your neighbors. Once X-Pac's dental work is finished, his whole face looks like the front of a 1929 Chevy Impala with a bumper sticker that says "Don't Be Bustin' My Bippety Barrel." Big Show yells "aHHHHit's time for me to impersonate Will Smith!!!" and he does. This gives X-Pac the chance to conjure up 27 of the 30 Principalities of Purgatory and it's ON, baby!!! Big Show gets halfway through that "kick ET's ass" line from Independence Day when a flying black leopard plunges from the ceiling and bites right into his neck. Show doesn't feel a thing. X-Pac runs out of the building and hails a taxi...the camera follows him all the way to some strip joint in Tijuana, where an old man named Maurice convinces him to go into the swimming pool noodle industry. Big Show entertains the already-hot crowd with some decent condom jokes. ******7*** for McDermott's innovative earmuffs.

HARDCORE HOLLY vs. AL SNOW vs. WOLF BLITZER of CNN for the Hardcore Title
Holly and Snow team up on Blitzer, and he gets his ass beat thoroughly. They brawl all over the building, which is strange because this PPV took place at a busy intersection in Battle Creek, Michigan. Oh well...Holly climbs to the top of a hot dog stand, but is attacked from behind by a masked wrestler carrying $22.73 in nickels in his tights. The wrestler goes away, and is never seen again. Holly gets up and acts out a scene from Nathan Lane's Mousehunt movie, while Snow remembers that he has an appointment with his ear, nose and throat guy. The title is awarded to a nearby fan, who immediately stops to really think about free enterprise for a moment. Man, the WWF sure was murky during that 2-day period when Matthew Broderick was head of the booking committee. Overall, the match blew like wind through the shifting strands of wheat in a virtual Heaven's corner...Omaha, Nebraska....**.

BIG BOSS MAN vs. NEIL YOUNG in a Monkey Shit on a Pole Match
Neil Young was still searching for a heart of gold in this match...Big Boss Man was searching for heartburn. Anyway, Young pulls an amazing spot, climbing to the top rope, catching a weedeater from an audience plant, then jumping into the air, flipping 3 times, and nutting himself on the turnbuckle ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING. The weedeater cuts his head right down the middle, and blood goes all over the crowd, getting the biggest pop of the night. Boss Man is okay though, since he has apparently vanished without a trace. Oh, there he is, up in the rafters, smoking a cigarette with the man who invented bleach. Match was ******33/102 at best, since no one even bothered to grab the bag of monkey shit.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. DUMBASS DOUG, TESTO MOLESTO IV, and THE NEVADA STING RAY in a Blindfolded Lucha Libre Match with Drugged-Up Cobra Snakes Circling The Ring
The NAO do their usual speil, but every member of the crowd has been implanted with a chip that causes one to see visions of sugar plums raping the Talking Heads. Testo Molesto IV is in first, and he looks just HORRIBLE compared to the previous three Testo's. His corkscrew piledriver makes my roommate look like Lou Ferrigno, when actually he looks more like Lou Ferrigno. Bad Ass Billy Gunn is tagged in, and he does the famous iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, but is WAFFLED with, well... a waffle. Molesto gets the lukewarm tag to Dumbass Doug, but his moves look so much like I.R.S.'s that I have to wonder if there's any Chinese food left in my fridge from last night. I.R.S actually runs in at one point, but The Nevada Sting Ray comes in and does a United Nations Bomb off the top to finally knock the arterial speedbumps out of Rotundo's brain. Road Dogg comes in and gets the juke jivin' elbow on The Sting Ray, but is kicked in the nuts. Finally, Dumbass Doug brings in a box of Wheat Thins, and everybody eats for the no-contest at 3:59. ********(*). Good match, but Japanese puroresu shouldn't have to pay a lot for this vibrator.

THE ROCK vs. HHH vs. THE LEAD SINGER FROM TOTO for the WWF Title
This match would go on to become Time Magazine's no. 1 reason to live in the millennium last year. It was almost beat out by the fact that Van Halen's "Right Now" was used in advertisements for Crystal Pepsi, but I think the voters have spoken. The Rock comes out and says stuff about how you should never smell raw meat under your bed, but HHH comes in with a big metal "H" and nearly kills Rock with it. The guy from Toto is next, and his theme music is "Danger Zone" from Kenny Loggins. Fuck you, WWF. Anyway, a good brawl to start, with HHH getting the most of the fact that the Toto guy is piss poor in every way. H's knee is the heavy favorite to win, but the crowd is firmly in the corner of the People's Champ...because they've all been chained to it like slaves in a death camp. H tries to put the boot to the stomach on the Rock, but my lawyer busts into my room, and it's a Pier Two brawl from there. He throws me against my wall, ripping my Dom Deluise poster, and follows it up with a mid-air inverted enziguiri with a twist and a big French kiss. Nasty bastard. I get up and offer my sexual services to his wife, but then I remember that I'm reviewing a PPV here, and my attention returns just in time to see the Toto guy tapping out to HHH's double-arm Action Jackson Frosted Flakes with Sand in my Shorts chinlock at 187:90. HHH retains the title and goes on to free the state of Delaware from a devastating hairline fracture that I suffered while performing an abortion on the back of a speeding motorcycle in Denver last February. ****************x191. Wow, sometimes the best matches are the ones you watch before your lawyer attacks you with an advanced copy of Norm McDonald's new book, I Can't Decide Which Chick's Ass I Want To Grab When I Go To The Cafe At K-Mart.

All in all, a great show with some solid wrestling action and just a hint of sports entertainment weaved in for that distinct WWF edge.

Strongly recommended.

ydarB ehcroP
freelance

Mail the Author

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission