You are here /wrestling
/guests
/ehcroP
Guest Columns

ydarB ehcroP

Main

BLAH

ALright, you've had some great guests, but now it's time for MY MOMENT IN THE SUN. Or at least a few minutes in the tanning bed.

5 THINGS...TO MAKE YOUR LIFE ON THE NET LESS PATHETIC

1. Attention all members of Heaven's Workrate... Your esteemed leader Herb, aka "D'oh", has requested that you all have your tidbits cut off now that Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko are receiving a decent push. Soon you will all board the star-system ship to a world where All-Japan and Michinoku Pro are the Big 2, and Stampede still exists. And never again will you be appalled by the sight of Steve Austin not executing his patented Lou Thesz press to cult standard 95% proficiency.

2. Yeah, maybe I WILL say something bad about WWF... Ok, the Vincekateers are known for their overall excellence in angle writing and story development-during creative peaks. You see, the WWF is an organization of extremes, and when it lulls in productivity, Titan doesn't just suck a LITTLE bit...

    *BEGIN PROOF FILE #122987989*
  • The many angles of Barry Darsow, aka REPO MAN!!!
    • a)hanging the British Bulldog from the ring with a 2 foot bullrope
    • b)attempting to get heel heat by stealing Savage's hat
    • c)offering a large sum of money to any wrestler who could rip off his new mask (I think that was the nail in his coffin.)

  • Damn. No wonder I saw this guy jobbing to good ol' Hacksaw Jim Duggan at a house show last year.

  • 1992

    Now I will admit, this WAS my first year as a fan, and it DID bring some good memories, but...
    • a)Skinner, the swamp rat who's finishing move was to spit dip juice into the face of the opponent, who, of course, would have to be as much of an overseller as Cole is on the mic. OH MY EYES!!!!
    • b)Big payoff at Survivor Series: The first world title match between the Hitman and HBK ends just before a shocking appearance by none other than... SANTA CLAUS!!! Bret got to sit on his lap. I think he asked him for some more money or something. Personally, I preferred Santa's 1995 PPV appearance where he assisted Ted Dibiase's evil Million Dollar Minis-err..Corporation and went under the decidedly Aryan name Zanta Klause.
    • c)Title changes at house shows were a disease. I know this was right before the concept of live wrestling had been invoked by RAW's inception, but still. Ric Flair both won AND lost his 2nd WWF gong at shows that weren't even meant to be hyped on Primetime without the immediate giveaway of the results. We only got to see the final sharpshooter when he lost to the Hitman, causing me to think that the match hadn't even taken place...only THAT move, and Flair's submission. IT'S THA THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO HMMMMMM....

  • Sorry about that. C&C Music Factory probably could've saved the WWF in 1992 if they'd have still been popular, and if "Vinnie Vegas" was the booker. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT!

  • And finally, the feud of 1998.
    Rootin' Tootin' Bradshaw and a little Japanese dude against three more little Japanese dudes. A bullrope was involved. Nuff sed. Ok, I know some of you will tear into me for insulting TAKA (why is his name in all caps, anyway?), but you probably belong to Heaven's Workrate and you have no nuts.

  • *END PROOF FILE #127687623partylikeits1999*

So there you go. The WWF is not always perfect...

3. ...but the other guys aren't too good either.
  • Hogan?...Champ!

  • Ric Flair?...Camp!

  • Ernest Miller?...Irritating!

  • His shoe?...Devastating!

  • Curt Hennig?...Too perfect for rap!

  • Konnan?...Too perfect for an open-handed slap!

  • Kevin Nash?...Afraid of Canadians and vampires!

  • Vampiro and Chris Benoit?...Screwed!

  • Eric Bischoff?...Can't tell whether his finger is on the pulse of 90's culture or just jammed snugly and firmly into the orifice of a certain fixture of 80's culture!

You people who think your fantasy bookings are DEFINITELY the answer and that people who've been in the business for much of their lives should step aside and let the "real" experts call the shots?...Hey, maybe you ARE WCW material after all!!!

4. You can't mix business with pleasure... ECW, you will be missed...because most people aren't home at 8 o clock on Friday nights. And because TNN just isn't as EXTREME as we all hope they'll be. Will we ever be treated to Joel Gertner's Comedy Spotlight(The Dirty Version) again? Will RVD be known hereafter as The Whole Durn Show? How does Dawn Marie Wytch sound? And last, but not least, will we ever see the Dudley's in another one of their bone-snappin', ring-rougein', barbwire-makin-love-to, free for alls where a 115 pound girl ends up getting her damn NECK BROKE??? I'm ok, really. Just need to sit down for a while and keep my mind on other things...

5. Other things...
  • The WWF already knows what they're doing with Jericho so WILL YOU ALL PLEASE SHUT UP??? Damn!!! I'll bet they keep him as far away from DX as possible just to PISS EVERYONE OFF!!! On that note, he could just be used to be Jeff Jarrett's new valet. I'd laugh.
  • Goldust was pretty damned cool in his early days. Too bad he couldn't stir things up anymore. Shattered dreams, Dustin.
  • Ernest Miller is funny. That isn't at all consistent with what I said above, but what I meant was that he's irritating to WCW's crowds, which doesn't seem like a good selling point, even thought the heel heat is definitely there.
  • Fully Loaded won't be as loaded as we think. Expect short matches, few payoffs, and to want to watch RAW the next night even more than you did going into the PPV. Call it strategy.
  • Hogan's ratings boost was a fluke. You all knew that. He only won the belt last Monday because it matched his pants that night. Believe it.
  • Insiders tell me that Lenny Lane and Lodi will be an integral part of the new Horsemen angle, and that Brad Armstrong will leave his solja buddies in an emotional Nitro segment to become the latter-day Enforcer of said Horsemen line-up. The fourth member will be whoever drove the Hummer, which will be decided at this year's Starrcade event. Looks like Miss Madness as of right now. Ric Flair will respond to these developments by taking his clothes off and downing a serum which gives him hallucinations of fat boys on roller coasters at Disney World.
  • I'm sorry, I thought those were insiders. They were just generic wrestling fans with homepages devoted to so-and-so superstar 3:16 WhoopAss 4 Life Not 4 Jabronies who Suk iT!!! Lemme give you the URL... it's http://www.wrestleline.com.

  • You may have heard of it.

ydarB ehcroP
freelance

Mail the Author

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission