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ALright, you've had some great guests, but now it's
time for MY MOMENT IN THE SUN. Or at least a few
minutes in the tanning bed.
5 THINGS...TO MAKE YOUR LIFE ON THE NET LESS PATHETIC
1. Attention all members of Heaven's Workrate...
Your esteemed leader Herb, aka "D'oh", has requested
that you all have your tidbits cut off now that Chris
Benoit and Dean Malenko are receiving a decent push.
Soon you will all board the star-system ship to a
world where All-Japan and Michinoku Pro are the Big 2,
and Stampede still exists. And never again will you
be appalled by the sight of Steve Austin not executing
his patented Lou Thesz press to cult standard 95%
proficiency.
2. Yeah, maybe I WILL say something bad about WWF...
Ok, the Vincekateers are known for their overall
excellence in angle writing and story
development-during creative peaks. You see, the WWF
is an organization of extremes, and when it lulls in
productivity, Titan doesn't just suck a LITTLE bit...
*BEGIN PROOF FILE #122987989*
- The many angles of Barry Darsow, aka REPO MAN!!!
- a)hanging the British Bulldog from the ring with a
2 foot bullrope
- b)attempting to get heel heat by stealing Savage's hat
- c)offering a large sum of money to any wrestler who
could rip off his new mask (I think that was the nail
in his coffin.)
Damn. No wonder I saw this guy jobbing to good ol'
Hacksaw Jim Duggan at a house show last year.
- 1992
Now I will admit, this WAS my first year as a fan,
and it DID bring some good memories, but...
- a)Skinner, the swamp rat who's finishing move was
to spit dip juice into the face of the opponent,
who, of course, would have to be as much of an
overseller as Cole is on the mic. OH MY EYES!!!!
- b)Big payoff at Survivor Series: The first world
title match between the Hitman and HBK ends just
before a shocking appearance by none other than...
SANTA CLAUS!!! Bret got to sit on his lap. I think
he asked him for some more money or something.
Personally, I preferred Santa's 1995 PPV appearance
where he assisted Ted Dibiase's evil Million Dollar
Minis-err..Corporation and went under the decidedly
Aryan name Zanta Klause.
- c)Title changes at house shows were a disease. I know
this was right before the concept of live wrestling
had been invoked by RAW's inception, but still. Ric
Flair both won AND lost his 2nd WWF gong at shows
that weren't even meant to be hyped on Primetime
without the immediate giveaway of the results. We
only got to see the final sharpshooter when he lost
to the Hitman, causing me to think that the match
hadn't even taken place...only THAT move, and Flair's
submission. IT'S THA THINGS THAT MAKE YA GO
HMMMMMM....
Sorry about that. C&C Music Factory probably could've
saved the WWF in 1992 if they'd have still been
popular, and if "Vinnie Vegas" was the booker. YOU
KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT!
- And finally, the feud of 1998.
Rootin' Tootin' Bradshaw and a little Japanese dude
against three more little Japanese dudes. A bullrope
was involved. Nuff sed. Ok, I know some of you will
tear into me for insulting TAKA (why is his name in
all caps, anyway?), but you probably belong to
Heaven's
Workrate and you have no nuts.
*END PROOF FILE #127687623partylikeits1999*
So there you go. The WWF is not always perfect...
3. ...but the other guys aren't too good either.
- Hogan?...Champ!
- Ric Flair?...Camp!
- Ernest Miller?...Irritating!
- His shoe?...Devastating!
- Curt Hennig?...Too perfect for rap!
- Konnan?...Too perfect for an open-handed slap!
- Kevin Nash?...Afraid of Canadians and vampires!
- Vampiro and Chris Benoit?...Screwed!
- Eric Bischoff?...Can't tell whether his finger is on
the pulse of 90's culture or just jammed snugly and
firmly into the orifice of a certain fixture of 80's
culture!
You people who think your fantasy bookings are
DEFINITELY the answer and that people who've been in
the business for much of their lives should step aside
and let the "real" experts call the shots?...Hey,
maybe
you ARE WCW material after all!!!
4. You can't mix business with pleasure...
ECW, you will be missed...because most people aren't
home at 8 o clock on Friday nights. And because TNN
just isn't as EXTREME as we all hope they'll be.
Will we ever be treated to Joel Gertner's Comedy
Spotlight(The Dirty Version) again? Will RVD be known
hereafter as The Whole Durn Show? How does Dawn Marie
Wytch sound? And last, but not least, will we ever see
the Dudley's in another one of their bone-snappin',
ring-rougein', barbwire-makin-love-to, free for alls
where a 115 pound girl ends up getting her damn NECK
BROKE??? I'm ok, really. Just need to sit down for
a while and keep my mind on other things...
5. Other things...
- The WWF already knows what they're doing with Jericho
so WILL YOU ALL PLEASE SHUT UP??? Damn!!! I'll bet
they keep him as far away from DX as possible just to
PISS EVERYONE OFF!!! On that note, he could just be
used to be Jeff Jarrett's new valet. I'd laugh.
- Goldust was pretty damned cool in his early days.
Too bad he couldn't stir things up anymore. Shattered
dreams, Dustin.
- Ernest Miller is funny. That isn't at all consistent
with what I said above, but what I meant was that he's
irritating to WCW's crowds, which doesn't seem like
a good selling point, even thought the heel heat is
definitely there.
- Fully Loaded won't be as loaded as we think. Expect
short matches, few payoffs, and to want to watch RAW
the next night even more than you did going into the
PPV. Call it strategy.
- Hogan's ratings boost was a fluke. You all knew that.
He only won the belt last Monday because it matched
his pants that night. Believe it.
- Insiders tell me that Lenny Lane and Lodi will be
an integral part of the new Horsemen angle, and that
Brad Armstrong will leave his solja buddies in an
emotional Nitro segment to become the latter-day
Enforcer of said Horsemen line-up. The fourth member
will be whoever drove the Hummer, which will be
decided
at this year's Starrcade event. Looks like Miss
Madness
as of right now. Ric Flair will respond to these
developments by taking his clothes off and downing
a serum which gives him hallucinations of fat boys
on roller coasters at Disney World.
- I'm sorry, I thought those were insiders. They were
just generic wrestling fans with homepages devoted
to so-and-so superstar 3:16 WhoopAss 4 Life Not 4
Jabronies who Suk iT!!! Lemme give you the URL...
it's http://www.wrestleline.com.
You may have heard of it.
ydarB ehcroP
freelance
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