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/wrestling /guests /Barker |
| ECW Guilty As Charged | Patrick Barker |
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Note from CRZ: I've got Patrick's Review #1, but haven't put it up yet - so don't be confused when he calls this "Rant #2" when you haven't read the FIRST one yet! I would have put them in order, but I've got so much ECW stuff in today's update I thought it would be cooler to put this one up a bit early. Unfortunately, you'll be reading his viewer mail for a rant you may not have read yet - but we'll work out the kinks soon, I promise. ;-) Take it away, PB! Patrick Barker's Rant #2: ECW Guilty as Charged So, let's get to it. By the way, all comments should be sent to barksimpsons25@erols.com, and I love e-mail, so don't hesitate. On with the show. BTW- Speaking of e-mail, I'll be reading some at the bottom of the report. We start with Paul backstage kissing the collective ass of the fans. Masato Tanaka won't be here, and Jerry Lynn's fractured pelvis didn't heal properly. Ewwwww... Anyway, the crew will bring the best show possible tonight, and I believe in them as much as Paul does. Paul says that they are guilty as charged. That's one thing about ECW that bugs me. In January, they were guilty as charged. In March, they were Living Dangerously. In May, they were in Hardcore Heaven. And now they're a Heatwave. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting Heatwave, but it still pisses me off. Moving on. Joey is in the ring as the crowd chants "ECW". We are at the Millenium Theatre in Kissimmee, Florida. There's a really hot chick in the front row bouncing up and down a lot. Just thought I'd mention that. Joey welcomes us to Florida, and he says that tonight, ECW is guilty as charged! See, it's annoying. Head straight to the opening ECW video package. Let's see, Three Way Dance with Spike/Storm/Lynn is off... RVD/Tanaka is off... let's see what they pull together. Of course, it was in January, so I already know. But let's pretend, shall we? As we come back, the F.B.I. are on their way to the ring. It'll be Smothers and Guido against... someone in another one of our beloved PPV "bonus" matches. They're against Amish Roadkill and Danny Doring. Let me just say that Amish Roadkill is a DUMB gimmick. Match 1: The F.B.I. vs. Danny Doring and Roadkill Smothers is from "Nashville, Italy". Priceless. Doring's shirt says "Extreme Associates 3:16". Don't ask me, I don't know. Stalling to start. Guido poses, and the crowd is all over him. Guido and Doring to start. Doring poses, the crowd hates him too. Tie-up, and Joey takes note of the phrase "Muffin Ass" on Doring's tights. Back to the corner, and a clean break by Guido. Guido hugs Smothers. Tie-up. Back to the corner, and Doring with a clean break. Complaint of a hair pull. Tie-up, side headlock by Doring, Guido whips him to the ropes, Doring holds on and executes his dance move, the "Dastardly Shuffle". Cue "Big Balls", and the crowd comes alive with the appearance of Balls & Axl. They wait for the song to get to the cool part, so the crowd can sing along. They have chairs. Rotten asks Florida what's up, and comments that this match looks like a "homosexual dance party". I wouldn't know. They suggest making this a Three Way Dance, to which everyone reluctantly agrees. Big brawl to start, and Rotten clubs Roadkill with a chair on the outside. I won't be able to cover all of this, I'll tell you that right now. Balls bites Smothers. Inside, Guido goes for a crucifix on Doring, then rolls down with a sunset flip for two. Back to standing, Guido with an elbow, they trade chops, and Doring comes out on top. He charges at Guido, who tosses him over the top rope and to the outside. Guido goes to the apron and dives at Doring, who moves and Guido ends up in the front row. Smothers and Balls are the pair inside now, and Tracey is getting the best of the scuffle. Balls with a short clothesline, and Axl and Roadkill are fighting on the ramp. Axl chairs Roadkill while Balls whales away on Smothers inside the ring, only to be met with a leaping side kick. Smothers dances and Balls ducks a clothesline and hits a superkick that Shawn Michaels would be proud of. Balls with a spinebuster bomb, and he tosses Smothers outside. Balls climbs to the top and dives onto about four people in a nice spot. Now that all but two of the guys have been in the ring, we know who ends up in the ring: Axl Rotten and Amish Roadkill. Hey, same initials. Low blow gives Roadkill the advantage. Punches and kicks. Whip to the buckle and a splash as crowd starts chanting "you fuck chickens". Gotta love ECW fans. Whip reversed and Axl hits a big clothesline and goes for the pin, which Tracey Smothers breaks up. Which, may I add, makes NO SENSE since this is elimination style. Smothers tosses Axl outside, so it's him vs. Roadkill in the center ring. Side headlock by the man who hails from the Nashville section of Italy. Whipped in and Smothers with a shoulderblock. Smothers off of the ropes, Roadkill drops down, Smothers over top, misses a clothesline, and Roadkill hits a sidewalk slam. Smothers fights back, but is caught in a powerslam. Roadkill goes up top and hits a swan dive across 4/5ths of the ring. Nicely executed. Count broken up by Guido off the top rope, and he walks right into Danny Doring, who nails a Reverse Russian Leg Sweep, which Joey calls the G-Spot Sweet, and a reverse Stunner on Smothers, which Joey calls the Bareback. Top rope legdrop, which Joey calls the T-Back. Is Joey on drugs? Oh, Doring makes these names up. I get it. Doring and Roadkill go old school with the Hart Attack on Guido. Smothers distracts Roadkill and the ref while Tommy Rich hits Doring with the Italian Flag, leading to his elimination, courtesy of a double fisherman suplex by the F.B.I. Why the hell even distract the ref in ECW? Like he'll DQ you... yeah right. The F.B.I. beat up Axl, then toss him out to beat up Balls. Double leg trip for a two, and the F.B.I. stomp away. Double arm twist by both members of the F.B.I. and double chops wake Balls up. He challenges them both to give him their best shot, and a double dropkick shuts him up really quickly. F.B.I. hits the "Pizan (sp?) Double Elbow Drop", which is basically where they shake hands and drop two elbows. That gets two as Smothers leaves the ring, and it looks like we'll see... a TAG match? With legal men and everything? Guido puts a resthold on Balls. Crowd chants "Balls", and he fights back and hits a KICK-ASS belly-to-back that folds Guido up. Hot tag? Yes. Rotten is cleaning house, and hits a Double Bionic Elbow, to which Joey does a Dusty Rhodes impression. Double clothesline by Rotten. All four men in and the F.B.I. collide, which leads to the Nutcracker Suite and Severe Skull Trauma by Balls and Axl, respectively. And that's enough to get the three count. Crowd chants "chair", so Big Guido and Big Sal get in the ring like friggin' idiots. Two chair shots later, and U.S.A. kicked Italy's ass! Yeah! And those friggin' Amish too. No electricity my ass. Good opener. **. Taped interview with Terry Funk where he says "jackass" about a million times. He compares Tommy Dreamer to said jackass. He's rooting for Justin Credible against Tommy Dreamer tonight, since Tommy picked Jake Roberts as his partner at N2R '98 which sucked, BTW. Then The Funker chases the cameraman out of his dressing room. Back to live action, is time for Match 2: Super Crazy vs. Yoshihiro Tajiri Joey gives some history on both guys before the match, which is courtesy of the fine gentlemen over at 1wrestling.com. This match should be awesome. Super Crazy's weighing in at "90 kilos". Nice touch. Bell rings and they tie up as Super Crazy backs Tajiri into the ropes and gives a clean break. Now let's see if I can keep up. Test of strength? No, as Tajiri whips a leg up and twists the wrist of Super Crazy, tosses him down, rolls over him, pulls him back up, hits an armdrag, turns it into a hammerlock, turns THAT into a pinning combination for a 1 count. Damn! Both men back up, Crazy with a kick, a snapmare, and a La Magistral cradle for a one. (BTW- The La Magistral is my absolute favorite pinning combination) Both men back to opposite corners as the crowd shows their appreciation early on. They circle each other and tie-up. Side headlock by Crazy, whip to the ropes, leapfrog by Tajiri, Crazy to the ropes again, and hits a beautiful leaping DDT. Crazy celebrates and Tajiri hits a leg kick, twists the arm, three kicks to the chest and a *painful* one to the back of the head. Crazy on his knees and Tajiri bounces off the ropes, and you can feel it from a mile away, and there's the awesome looking dropkick to the face. Ouch. Crowd loves it, but Tajiri doesn't capitalize. He simply lets Crazy get back up. Joey mentions how referee John "Pee Wee" Moore knows Spanish and Japanese. Crazy misses with a clothesline, Tajiri misses with a spin kick, Crazy connects with a chop and celebrates, only to be met with a chop from Tajiri. Crazy celebrates WAY too much. Crazy with a kick, celebrates AGAIN, and Tajiri hits a cool dropkick to the knees that sends Crazy down. Tajiri with a whip, Crazy reverses, which gives Tajiri the proper momentum for another painful-looking dropkick to the knee. Tajiri rolls Crazy into a leglock, which Crazy escapes by kicking repeatedly. Tajiri with a whip, reversed, Tajiri somersaults back-first into the ropes, lands right back where he started and hits a back elbow. Nice spot. Crazy rolls outside, eats a baseball slide, and Tajiri hits an ASAI MOONSAULT. A beautiful one, too. Tajiri waits for Crazy on the apron, hits a kick to the head, and locks on the Tarantula! If you've never seen the Tarantula, I can't explain it, but it's FREAKIN' AWESOME. Crazy breaks out and falls outside. He walks all the way around the ring, slaps Tajiri and hits a springboard dropkick. Tajiri falls outside, which allocates Crazy the time to hit a running no-hands somersault plancha. On the outside, it's Crazy with a fireman's carry into a slam, and a moonsault off of the guardrail. The crowd loves Crazy until he yells "Arriba Mexico", which gets a mixed reaction. Could it be? Yes! An inverted surfbaord by Crazy! And it's a rolling one! On the third "roll", Crazy locks the head of Tajiri in a Dragon Sleeper! Now that's painful! Crazy lets go, drops an elbow, and stomps away. Tajiri whipped to the ropes, Crazy tilt-a-shirl's him, but Tajiri hits an armdrag and follows with another dropkick to the knee. Crazy rolls outside and Tajiri hits a dive from the top rope to the floor. Tajiri kicks him in the head (that's gotta hurt, no matter how you slice it), rolls him in, and hits a nice spin kick. That gets 2. Tajiri goes for a German Suplex, Crazy with a go behind, Tajiri with on of his own, Tajiri to the ropes, drop toe hold by Crazy and another La Magistral cradle for two. Crazy with another drop toe hold and Tajiri avoids La Magistral and hits one of his own for a two count. Chops by Crazy and the crowd yells "whoooooooo". Crazy stomp and goes for a German Suplex, but Tajiri flips over only to be met with a kick and a moonsault by Crazy which gets two. Crazy dropkicks Tajiri to the outside and hits a spinning tope con hilo on the floor. Awesome. Super Crazy with a kick. Back inside, a missile dropkick by Crazy. Crazy with a Tornado DDT and a clothesline to the back of the head. Crazy stomps, and then hits an INVERTED TORNADO DDT. That only gets two. Powerbomb attempt by Crazy turns into a DDT by Tajiri. Joey says that these men are semi-main eventing the PPV. What? Crazy misses with a corkscrew and Tajiri hits a big time kick. Tajiri goes up top, and is met by Crazy. Tajiri hits a top rope sunset flip on Crazy for a two. Near falls are what I rate a match by: how many times I think "this could be it". This match is doing great on that standard. Crazy goes up top, chop by Tajiri and a top-rope Frankensteiner, but Crazy rolls through for a two-and-a-half. Crazy with a Tiger Bomb for 2.9999999 but Tajiri gets out. Crazy stomps and goes for another power bomb, but Tajiri flips over, kick to the gut, and a Tiger Bomb of his own. But instead of going for the pin, Tajiri starts rolling and rolling and eventually puts him in a pinning predicament for two. They trade slaps, Tajiri with a kick and a weird twisting submission, and there's the Dragon Suplex with a bridge for the three count. Excellent. ****1/2. Would've been five with one table or chair spot. But a truly great match. Both men get standing O's. ECW is coming to a lot of cities, including Philly for House Party '99. Kronus' music starts playing even though he's not on the card. Could this be where we see the "former WWF World Champion who tore through WCW"? And if so, who could it be? Anyway, former ref Jeff Jones comes out in a judge suit. Better than Mills lane, I s'pose. Jones starts by ripping off Val Venis with the line "Helllloooo, ECW." There's nothing I hate more than someone who rips people off. He is the Judge Jeff Jones. He says Bill Clinton is guilty as charged. OJ is too. This feels like a Piper interview. He's mad at Kronus for hitting him with a 450 Splash, Kronus is guilty as charged, and tonight, his executioner is a little bit psycho, and he'll be viscious. Kronus: "Cuckoo! Nobody's crazy enough to come out and play with Kronus! Who?" Yeah... nobody. Kronus is jobbing until he gets out of his contract, but since *he* pays *them* to be there, it probably won't be soon. So Jones brings out Sid. I'll give anyone here 500:1 odds on Kronus. "Match" Kronus starts with two forearms that don't even phase the big man, and then he takes a great bump through a table outside courtesy of a Sid chokeslam. Sid follows him outside and hits three of the weakest chair shots I've ever seen. He spends all that time swinging softball bats, scissors, and squeegees (those who don't know what I'm talking about, check the section about Sid in Scott's FAQ on the Rantsylvania home page here), you'd think that he could swing a chair. Crowd wants a powerbomb and gets one. Good night Kronus. Would be a DUD, but the table spot brings it up to *. Tables=stars in my book. Well since then, Sid left for a good game of softball, came back, and left for WCW. Kronus remained loyal and jobbed to everyone from Taz to Balls to RVD to Skull Von Krush to Super Nova to Rod Price to Steve Corino's grandmother. Life's a bitch. Or, as his former partner Saturn would say, life's a drag. Sid looks mean, and the crowd wants another powerbomb, this time on Jeff Jones, but Sid doesn't turn on him, and instead powerbombs Kronus again. Wait, no he doesn't. Hmmm... I coulda sworn he did. My bad. Video package dealing with the main event, centering around the crapfest known as November to Remember '98, Shane's offer of Triple Threat, Francine, and money for Taz to take out then number-one contender Sabu. Taz agreed to take out Sabu and did so on three occassions, the third of which broke Sabu's neck. Yeah, right. After the third receipt, Taz let Sabu beat him for the FTW Title. Why? I don't know. So Taz took Sabu out simply to have the main event at GAC. He didn't want to be in the Triple Threat, he didn't want Francine, and he didn't want the money. Just Use a lot of protection with Francine and you should be okay. Anyway, that leads to the main event tonight. We are left with the question "What about Sabu?" The Dudley Boys and Joel Gertner stroll out to the ring. Gertner=kick ass. I will transcribe what Gertner says. "Well, well, well. Despite what the Florida Tourism Board has been feeding all of you ignorant people, it is I, every female's top tourist destination, and the man who's crotch is truly the happiest place on earth, the man who makes Minnie Mouse's panties wet, and the man who just last night helped Daisy Duck fulfill her dream, as she took one for the team, and I made her squeal and scream, as I filled her full of cream, it is I, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom she begs, and the face between her legs, the quintissential and original studmuffin, and a good Lord have mercy, God damn handsome man, Joel 'I shoot out a full condom filla and it tastes like vanilla' Gertner". "Introducing at this time, my colleague, my cohort, and my co-conspirator, he is the mute behind the mayhem, the quiet behind the riot, and Now THAT is mic work. The Dudleys run down the crowd and do the usual "challenge anyone from the back" spot, to which New Jack and Spike Dudley enter, with Spike in Gangsta gear. I like "Natural Born Killaz", by the way. Match 4: The Dudley Boyz vs. New Jack and Spike Dudley New Jack and Spike both have trashcans fulla plundah, BTW. Trashcans in, and Buh Buh Ray feels the crutch from New Jack, while Spike takes out D-Von with a cookie sheet. Hopefully they'll pair off so this is recappable. Now New Jack is with D-Von and Spike with Buh Buh. Is this a racial thing? D-Von gets a pan of some sort in the head. Trashcan lid and a pan for Buh Buh. Big Dick is getting his ass kicked too, just for the record. Now Big Dick gets a pan and falls outside, while Spike bites Buh Buh Ray. Spike tries to hit Buh Buh with two trashcan lids, but the spot doesn't look that great. New Jack bites D-Von, as Spike pulls off another stupid spot involving a plastic trashcan. He then resorts to a low blow. Spike and Buh Buh inside now, New Jack and D-Von outside. Spike's blowing some spots, I'll tell ya whut. Spike hits Buh Buh with something, and then climbs him and hits a top rope Frankenspiker. Just thinking, "Nookie" would be a useable song to have in the background. Spike hits Buh Buh with a pan for a two as New Jack yells at the camera on the outside. Half of Spike's offense has involved just walking on Buh Buh Ray. Whip, reversed as Buh Buh hits Spike right in the face with a pan. That was cool. Outside, New Jack's gettin' his ass whipped, and inside, so is Spike. D-Von whales away on New Jack outside, while Buh Buh nails a headbutt inside and signals for a Gorilla Press, and with Spike, we know what that means. There's the Press- and there's the toss! Three rows back for Spike, and that spot will never get old with me. Funny how everyone's neglecting those two guitars in the corner. Buh Buh follows him back out and they meet next to the aisle. Buh Buh rolls Spike onto the ramp, and there's a press slam from the ramp to the crowd. Like I said, it never gets old. Buh Buh tells a camera to "get the fuck outta my face" and that's another cool thing about ECW. On the outside, New Jack and D-Von have a slow paced brawl without weapons, so we go back to the celebrating Buh Buh Ray, who walks right into a foreign object, courtesy of Spike. New Jack nails D-Von with something and chokes him with a TV wire. Spike hammers on Buh Buh. And they keep doing it until Spike enters the ring and calls for New Jack to join him. Must be time for a guitar spot. Spike and New Jack grab guitars, and The Dudleys grab chairs. Spike and New Jack swing and miss, The Dudleys bail, and Big Dick enters to eat a guitar from Spike. It doesn't affect him, but a shot from New Jack does. Dudleys re-enter and chair New Jack and Spike. Spike gets a plastic trashcan in the mush, which doesn't work. New Jack tossed to the ramp, and D-Von stomps on Spike as Buh Buh jumps to the second rope. It doesn't look good. Belly-to-back by D-Von? No, it's a second rope Tiger Bomb, aka Buh Buh Bomb. New Jack takes D-Von down on the ramp, and the camera misses how. Gangstas Elbow. Buh Buh goes after New Jack, but Jack fends him off and hits him with a pan. D-Von obediently waits for his panning and gets it. Buh Buh gets panned, but D-Von steals the deadly pan, swings, misses, and hits Buh Buh Ray. As D-Von tries to explain, New Jack comes from behind with a punch. New Jack attempts a whip (see, the ring apron is equal height with the ramp), it's reversed, and there's the 3D messed up pretty badly. Now we go into the obligatory Joey speech about the virtues of the 3D. Broke up the Gangstas. And the Eliminators. Sent the Sandman to the hospital. Drove Beulah out of wrestling. On the inside, Spike hits an Acid Drop on Big Dick. Low blow and an Acid Drop on D-Von. One, two, Buh Buh Ray tries to break it up with a splash, but Spike moves and Buh Buh Ray splashes D-Von. Low blow and an Acid Drop on Buh Buh. One, two, Big Dick tries to break it up with a splash, but Spike moves and Big Dick splashes Buh Buh. Ahh, Cut & Paste & Edit baby. He goes for another one on Big Dick but is tossed aside like the Raggedy Andy Doll he so resembles. Whip, and I can *feel* the 3D. There it is, and the Gangsta music stops abruptly with the win. Match was mindless brawling which is okay with me. Only two complaints: no tables? and if you must have a garbage match with New Jack, make him the primary guy. I like him better than Spike in a Garbage Match any day. They drag New Jack back in and stomp him. I think I heard Buh Buh Ray scream "This is for Mass Transit Dudley!" D-Von grabs a mic and professes the following ways to live by: 1) Though shalt not steal (chair shot)... 2) Though shalt not kill (chair shot)... 3) Though shalt not fuck with the Dudleys (chair shot). D-Von dives off the top with a chair onto New Jack's face. Buh Buh proudly proclaims that New Jack and Spike are dead. They run through their various victories over Gangstas, Eliminators, Balls and Axl, Sandman, Beulah, etc. They say that Sabu and RVD's days are numbered. RVD is a pretty boy mother fucker (and a druggie too). They say that there's only one team left to beat, and that's the Public Enemy. Show up at the arena, TPE, sayeth the Dudleys. Well they did and left just as quickly. Buh Buh says fuck again. Well, if you want to talk about teams they never beat, how about Demolition? Huh? Joey wants TPE to kick the hell out of the Dudleys. Oh, BTW match gets *1/2. Joey reiterates that Tanaka won't be here, but says that RVD will get a suitable challenger. Yeah, with the roll that Van Dam's on, God himself would have to job to him. RVD Video Package. The package gets *****. Joey says that Lance Storm is the suitable opponent. Fine with me. Match 5: "Mr. Marijuana" Rob Van Dam vs. Lance Storm (TV Title) Lance Storm comes out with Tammy Lynn Bytch. She still has the relatively small boobs at this point. Lance babbles on about this and that. He throws in the "Calgary... Alberta, Canada" part that I love. Crowd starts right away with "show your tits" and Lance says yes and she shows them and gets completely naked! Of course not. He says no way. Storm finishes his rant, and RVD's music plays as the crowd goes crazy. This has MOTY potential, IMO. RVD comes out with Fonzie and three belts (TV and both Tag Team). Van Dam mugs for the camera and proclaims himself the whole fuckin' show, and the crowd chants their agreement. Bell rings and Fonzie stays in the ring for a bit before leaving... and then returning to give RVD some water. Some stalling and a staredown. Storm shoves Van Dam's face away. Crowd chants "she's a crack whore" at TLB. Tie up, waistlock by Van Dam, reversed, Van Dam rolls into a wristlock, Storm with a headscissors, Van Dam rolls through into a pinning predicament for a one and both men back up. Crowd wants Ms. Bytch to show her tits, which bugs Storm. Van Dam poses. Tie-up, armdrag by Van Dam. Tie-up, Storm backs RVD to the corner. Clean break? No, as Storm hits three elbows to the midsection. Chop, and a second, and a third, whip, reversed by Van Dam, tumbles into a monkey flip. Storm backs off and RVD enjoys some more water. Poke of the eye by Storm, two punches, whip to the ropes, RVD ducks a clothesline with a tumble, and there's a dropkick by Van Dam. Dropkick gets a two, as does a snapmare. Forearms by Van Dam, whip, reversal, and Storm rolls backwards into a half Boston. Excellent. Think Van Dam will tap? Ha! Fonzie enters the ring and slides out the other side to grab ahold of TLB. Storm breaks the hold and dives headfirst for Fonzie, draping the back of his neck over the side of the ring apron. Brilliant. Of course that means a guillotine legdrop for Storm. Joey professes the genius of Bill Alfonso; I profess the idiocy of Storm. Van Dam punches. Kicks. Whip to the guardrail reversed, and Van Dam hits the security barrier. Storm goes for a fireman's carry, but RVD lands on his feet and tosses Storm stomach first onto the guardrail (with Storm's feet in the crowd). Corkscrew legdrop off of the ring apron onto the head of Lance Storm. Van Dam goes back to the ring and celebrates. Van Dam goes back outside and pounds Storm. Storm is sent face-first into the ringpost. Van Dam tosses him inside, and hits a double underhook faceslam for two. Irish whip, Storm with a leapfrog and a nice superkick. Superkick gets a two. Storm with a jawbreaker, whip to the buckle, charges in with a clothesline. There's an elbow, and a dropkick. They trade punches, Storm with a whip, reversed, leapfrog by Van Dam mistimed, forearm by Van Dam, Van Dam goes for a springboard, but Storm dropkicks the back and Van Dam falls outside and hits his face on the barricade. Good spot. Storm with a baseball slide as Van Dam flies into the crowd. Storm follows him and whips him to the guardrail, reversed. Van Dam charges in and Storm backdrops him into the ring area. Van Dam with a forearm and he springboards off of the guardrail with a somersault plancha! Van Dam with a scoop and Storm rolls down- inverted DDT on the concrete! Storm leaves the crowd. Van Dam gets up gorggily and is met by Storm on the other side of the guardrail. Forearm by Van Dam and a kick to the head sends Storm back to the ring apron. Van Dam with a springboard, countered by a Storm dropkick, and RVD is back in the crowd. Storm back in the ring and a SPRINGBOARD SPLASH INTO THE 2nd ROW! Storm heads back to the ring as Van Dam rolls into the ringside area. Storm tries to bring RVD into the ring forcefully, and Van Dam hits a shoulder to the ribcage. Van Dam up top in one fowl swoop, but he's crotched by Storm. Belly-to-back superplex? No, Van Dam is crotched on the top turnbuckle. Storm goes for the belly-to-back superplex, but RVD flips over and hits a corkscrew legdrop. Van Dam with a drop toe hold and an inverted surfboard. Van Dam kicks him off and there's the tumbling somersault splash which gets two. Van Dam with a whip to the buckle, Storm springboards back with an elbow. Storm with a whip to the buckle, cartwheel into a clothesline. Storm with a Northern Lights? No, countered with a kick. RVD gets the chair, Storm ducks the Van Daminator, leaps over TWO legsweeps, and clocks Van Dam with the chair. I can't believe it took over a year of the Van Daminator before someone figured out the obvious counter: hit him with the chair. He hands you a chair. Gee, what to do... hey I know. Let me put it in front of my face. Ouch. That hurt. I probably should have hit him with it. Note to self: hit RVD with chair. Back to the match. Storm picks up the chair, puts it in front of his face, and there's the Van Daminator. (D'oh) Storm falls outside. Storm is unconscious. Van Dam rolls Storm into the ring. Storm is dead weight, we are told. Wait, he was playing possum! Small package, but TLB is talking to the ref! 1-2-NO! In an awesome spot, RVD ducks a spin kick and hits one of his own before Storm's foot even hits the ground. Van Daminator? No, the ref gets it. Storm with a variation of the Van Daminator and that'll do it but the ref is out. Storm puts RVD up top. Fonzie comes in with a chair. Storm steals it and you can feel the Van Daminator coming. There it is. Storm kicks out and RVD looks to be in disbelief. RVD and Storm duke it out and RVD puts him down with a clothesline that misses horribly. Five Star Frog Splash misses, powerbomb by Storm reversed into a rana, which Storm reverses into a pin, but RVD rolls through for a one, Storm bridges out, piledriver? No, backdrop by Van Dam but Storm lands on his feet, waistlock, reversed, and a bridging German suplex by RVD seals the deal. ****3/4. Excellent match, and it was cool to see a regular move win a match. Red-hot end sequence too. Next: Stairway to Hell! Video package dealing with the absolute horror that Justin Credible has put Tommy Dreamer through. Why does every Dreamer feud have to be one about revenge and life and death? I just want Dreamer to have fun, like he was doing earlier. Maybe a match against Lance Storm where the loser's valet has to disrobe, hmmmm? Match 6: Tommy Dreamer vs. Justin Credible (Stairway to Hell Match) Justin has Jason, that unnamed woman (who is known as Jazz throughout the 'net), and Nicole Bass by his side. Think the Funker will interfere? Nah... We see the Singapore Cane looming over the Millenium Theatre... I thought it was the "Spectre of Sabu" Joey! You lied! It's just a God damn cane! Joey explains that climbing the ladder doesn't win the match, it just gets the cane. Why even use the ladder? There's friggin' weapons all over ringside. You'd think climbing the ladder would take a lot longer than just leaving the ring and getting a chair. Bell rings. Circling, tie-up, Dreamer backed into the corner. Credible with knees to the gut, chops. Credible with a whip, reversed, Credible baseball slides right to his feet, gives a fan the finger and says "fuck you" and walks right into a chop. And another. Credible back to a corner, Dreamer with a whip to the other, Credible does that thing that Ultimo Dragon used to do (where he grabs the top rope and jumps up, hopefully catching the opponent in flying headscissors), but Dreamer just stops and kicks him below the belt. From now on, I'm calling that move the "Dragon leap" to make it easier on myself. Irish whip by Dreamer, Justin ducks the clothesline, Dreamer with a spinebuster. Dreamer charges at Justin with a clothesline, sending both outside. Dreamer, however, lands on his feet and makes a cross with his arms while yelling "ECW". Dreamer with a whip, reversed, and Dreamer hits the steel guardrail. Uppercut by Justin and he whips Dreamer into another guardrail. Justin charges in but is met with a boot to the face. Now Justin Credible hits the steel, and Dreamer drops him throat-first across the top of the guardrail. Dreamer rolls Justin in and grabs a chair. Dreamer ALWAYS takes chair bumps and Justin NEVER does. Think Dreamer will end up taking the chair? Dreamer swings, Credible ducks, Justin with a kick, Dreamer catches the foot, spins him around, Dreamer ducks a clothesline, scoops him up, but Justin lands and hits an inverted DDT onto a chair. Told ya. Dreamer rolls to the corner and sits there, grabbing the second rope. Justin comes over and pulls him out with a Tiger Bomb. Justin tosses him to the outside, and sets up the chair. They're on the ramp, BTW. Justin with an Irish whip, and a drop toe hold onto the top of the chair! Ouch! Dreamer's face hit the top of the chair. It looked painful. Justin stomps away and Nicole Bass gets a cheap shot in. Crowd chants "she's a man". Justin asks the crowd if they want him to get the ladder. Crowd responds positively, so Justin politely curses them in sign language. Back inside, Justin with a right, Irish whip by Justin reversed into an arm twist and Russian Leg Sweep by Tommy. Dreamer rams Justin's face into the chair, but it didn't come close to hitting. Justin don't take bumps like that. Whip to the buckle, and Justin goes for another Dragon leap, but this time is caught in a Dreamer Driver. Dreamer gets the ladder and brings it to the apron. Justin and Jason go for baseball slides, Dreamer lifts the ladder up, and then rams it back into their faces. Credible falls into the crowd and Dreamer props the ladder up between the ring apron and the guardrail. Some guy in the crowd gives Tommy a pan he got from match 4 and Tommy hits Justin with it, then hi-fives the hick. Back inside the ring and Justin baseball slides the knee of Dreamer and he falls to the outside. Justin goes to the OUTSIDE of the ring apron to pose, so of course Dreamer grabs him and drops him onto the ladder. Dreamer enters the ring and props the ladder up in the corner, and catapaults Justin onto it. Justin hits HANDS first, because Justin don't take bumps with any part of his body except for his hands. Then to shut me up, Justin takes a slam on the ladder. Good bump Justin. Dickhead. Dreamer walks the second rope and misses Justin with an elbow, but he don't miss the ladder. That mutha HAD to hurt. Justin puts Dreamer's arm in the ladder and hits it with a chair. Dreamer takes good hard bumps. Good for him. Justin backs Dreamer to the corner and sets the ladder up in the other. Chop, and the whip is reversed and Justin takes a great bump into the ladder and to the outside. Dreamer heads outside, but is met with Justin, who hits him with a fisherman's suplex onto the floor from the apron. Nicole Bass distracts the ref. Justin with a superplex? No, Dreamer with a front layout superplex. Ref still distracted. Jason with a superplex? No, he is thrown off. Ref STILL distracted. Dreamer with a Double DDT? No, Jazz with a low blow and a SNAP SUPLEX. Ref still distracted. Dreamer is up, and he goes for a DDT, but Jason hits a flying clothesline. Ref still distracted. God, is conversation with Nicole Bass really that stimualting? I can picture the conversation: NB: "You got a PROBLUM?" REF: "No, I just want to ref" NB: "Hold on! You got a PROBLUM?" REF: "Not really" NB: "Hey! Look at me! You got a PROBLUM?" And repeat. Conversation FINALLY over. Justin props the ladder against the ropes, pounds Dreamer into a corner, goes for a baseball slide, and has his crotch introduced to the ringpost. Dreamer tries to pull Justin out as Nicole Bass and Jason try to pull him TOWARDS the post. How stupid are they? Dreamer lets go and Justin's crotch hits the post again. Anyone up for a game of Polish arm wrestling? Here comes the hate mail. Spicolli Driver. Dreamer slightly adjusts the ladder and hits one half of it, sending the other half into Justin's face. Dreamer tries to climb the ladder, but gets yanked off (that came out SOOOOO wrong) about halfway up. Justin puts a chair on the top turnbuckle and the ladder against the ropes next to it. He lays Dreamer on the ladder and dumps him over the top and through a table, which the camera misses. YEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! No more close-ups of Nicole Bass! In a fake looking spot, Justin gets about halfway up the ladder, and then gets tossed onto the afforementioned chair. Extreme Replay shows the table spot, while Justin gets whipped into the ladder on the live shot. Dreamer goes for the DDT, but Justin pushes him back into the ladder. Justin with a whip to the other buckle, sets the ladder up again, whip to the ladder corner, Dreamer hits the ladder, and Justin messes up a DDT. Justin puts Tommy's head into the ladder and rams the front of the ladder into the ringpost. Justin brings the ladder back inside, but Dreamer's got another ladder. Dreamer sets his up next to Justin's, and there's the Diamond Cutter off of the ladder that's in the opening of the show. Dreamer climbs the ladder and gets the cane. He kicks Justin down, then hits a leaping DDT off of the ladder. Dreamer tries to tie Justin to the ropes, but Funk comes down and hits Dreamer with a trashcan, Justin canes him and hits That's Incredible on the ladder for the win. Funk beats up Dreamer. ***. This was way too much of a spot fest. I love spot fests, but some of this stuff was just too unreal. I don't like to think when I watch wrestling, dammit! Especially that Diamond Cutter off of the ladder. Justin put himself right in position for it for God's sake. Post-match, Funker kicks the hell out of Dreamer and says "son of a bitch" a million times. Coming up: Interviews with the main event participants! Stephen Prazak is with Taz. Taz insults Prazak, which, for those who don't know, is funny. Taz grabs the mic and tries to say "camera, mic, mic, camera, Taz" while pointing to the objects, but he calls the mic a camera and vice versa. Smooth. Taz predicts the outcome tonight, almost as if the match was predetermined. Hmmmm... And now Francine. And Shane, or something. I don't listen to Shane, as I am occupied with Francine's beauty. Anyway, Shane tells Sid to head up north or down south. And so he has. Shane says that he and Taz have been the two dominant ECW stars since day one. Yeah... ever hear of Raven? Sandman? Even Jimmy freakin' Snuka technically won the World Title more than Taz! Shane goes nuts and says Taz'll lose. The belt is his, you see. Cut to the arena for Taz's intro, which leads us to Match 7: Shane Douglas vs. Taz (World Title Match) Taz gets special lighting for his entrance. I thought ECW couldn't afford special effects. Joey says that we've waited a whole year for this. Maybe he has. Some of us have lives. Joey says that this is the most important match in Taz's career. Then, six days later we have the most important ECW Title match in history. Joey's beginning to sound like Schiavone. Francine looking hot as usual. Staredown as intros go down. Taz gets okay pop. Francine gets bigger pop. Shane gets smaller pop than both. There's the bell. Staredown again and Taz gives Douglas the finger. Tie-up, side headlock takedown by Taz, headscissors counter by Shane, both men back up. Tie-up, and the same sequence, with the names reversed. Back up again. Taz with a shove and a hearty "fuck you" to Douglas. Joey says that both men can benchpress between 425 and 450 pounds, which I don't believe for a second. Tie-up, arm twist by Shane, single leg takedown by Taz into a leglock, but Shane turns it into a pinning combination for a one. Both men back up. Tie-up, waistlock by Taz, drop toe hold by the champ into a headlock, reversal to a hammerlock by the challenger. Taz floats over into a pin for a two. Both men back to neutral corners again as this match has a slow start. Tie-up, Taz backed into a corner. Punches and a kick by Douglas, whip, reversed, The Franchise to the buckle. Taz charges in, big boot by Shane, but he walks right into a release head-and-arm Tazplex. Douglas to the outside. Taz wants Douglas in the ring so Shane is in and we're back to square one. A few fans chant "Taz is boring", which gets a hearty laugh out of Taz. Tie-up, Taz backed into a corner, knees and boots by Shane, and there's a chokehold. Shane pounds Taz down and trash talks. There's the chokehold again and the crowd chants "show your tits" at Francine, which gets Shane pissed. Hey, they weren't talking to you Franchise. Maybe some of them were. Fruity Florida fans. Whip to the buckle is reversed, Shane goes for the Dragon Leap, but Taz catches him and throws him down with a double leg takedown. Big clothesline by Taz and Shane rolls to the outside. Taz follows him out this time and hits a punch, which Shane sells with the Curt Hennig like oversell. Another punch, whip to the guardrail reversed, and Taz tries flying into the crowd, but comes up short, so then he just rolls into the crowd. Cheesy. Shane hits a body press off of the guardrail, and those fruity Florida fans I mentioned pile on top of Shane and Taz. Those fans are nuts. They fight in the crowd, and I HATE "crowd matches" where most of the action is one guy grabbing the others hair, laeading him around and throwing the occasional punch. And that pretty much describes everything we're seeing here. Vertical suplex by Shane? Reversed, and Shane gets out with a punch. Punch, hair pull, punch. Shane is backdropped into an even higher level of seats. Where the hell are they going? The roof? One drunk fans followed them from the front row all the way up to the top level, where they are now. Franicne looks on from the ring. Joey ways they are right below him, and Taz is tossed into some sort of private box. Douglas blades and some drunk guy starts giving him noogies. They're brawling back down the stairs and Douglas hits a chair shot. Camera can't see anything- ahhhh, there's another camera. Douglas is dragging Taz around. Finally a spot worth noting, as Taz hits a Northern Lights Tazplex on Shane onto some sort of ramp-type object. Boring. They're almost back to the ring, thank God. Back to ringside, and Shane has a table, and business is about to pick up. Shane sets the table up in the corner. Anyone wanna bet Taz goes through it? I'll give you four-to-one odds. Kick to Taz's head, but Taz wants more. There's another. Taz (still on his knees) still wants more. Shane with a punch, and Taz wants Shane to hit him harder. I don't blame him. Shane's hitting like a girl. Taz fights back. Takes Shane to the corner. Kicks. There's the whip to the table, reversed, and Taz goes face-first through the table! I was wrong. Douglas covers. 1-2-NO! Yeah right, think this'll actually end without Sabu interference? Shane with a rolling inverted neck snap, which does look painful. Shane leaves the ring and takes out two ladders, only to ignore them in favor of a table. Shane sets it up in the corner, and Shane WILL go through this one. Shane whips Taz? No, reversed, Taz ducks into a T-BONE TAZPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE! Tongue Twister. One, two, Shane kicks out. There go the lights, and I'll bet this is Sabu. Fireworks and Sabu's music starts. I'll bet it's DANNY DORING. Hey it's Sabu! Goldberg-esque pyro that Sabu stands in with his cool pose. Sabu rushes to the ring... springboard double clothesline! Kick to Taz. Punch to Shane. Kick to Taz. Kick to Shane. Punch to Shane. Fonzie's here too. Shane rolls out. Fonzie throws a chair in. Chair shot to Taz. Fonzie with another chair. Baseball slide on Shane. Taz is tossed outside. Chair set up and Sabu springboards onto the ropes, takes forever to turn around for the moonsault, and only hits it on Taz. Spot was blown because Taz and Shane had to stand there together "dazed" for at least five seconds too long. Fonzie has set up the "Sabu Table" (propped up between the ring and guardrail and Shane is on it. Taz is back inside. Chair set up inside, double jump (chair and ropes) legdrop through the table. Another table inside. Sabu throws a chair at Taz. Table set up and Taz is laid on it. Sabu with a reverse frog splash through the table! Sabu leaves as Douglas enters the ring and covers. 1-2-NO! Kickout! Shane calls for the Triple Threat as Francine enters the ring. Francine politely tells Shane that he's a dingus and there is no more Triple Threat (Bam Bam went to WCW, Candido was rumored to be gone from ECW at the time). Joey says Shane is delusional. Yeah. All of the sudden, Tammy Lynn Sytch is in the ring. She's checking on Shane which bothers Francine. Francine with a shove. She takes her shoes off and I smell a CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! No, Candido is in to break it up. Jerk! Everyone else has had a piece of Tammy, why not Francine? Shane grabs his chick and so does Chris, but Francine breaks free with a spear! Shane grabs Francine again and puts her over the top rope. Her dress catches and we see everything below the belt as Francine's wearing only a thong. Woohoo! Candido hits Shane in the mouth, and Taz nails the T-Bone. Candido takes off his Triple Threat shirt, sadly TLS takes off nothing. Shane can't believe it. Well believe this Franchise: Taz-mission! Douglas breaks it! Taz grabs it back on again, and this time Shane passes out for a new World Champion. **. Taz celebrates to a mixed reaction. Joey says Shane will forever be remembered as the greatest ECW champ ever. Yeah, until he goes to WCW and Flair has him job to Johnny Swinger. Then TAZ is the man that Joey ALWAYS called the greatest champ ever. Mark my words: by 2001, nobody in ECW will speak of Shane as the greatest champ ever: they may hardly even speak of him at all. Ad for the next ECW PPV, Living Dangerously. Copyright 1999. The Show in Review (IMODO) -------------------------- One of the top three ECW PPV's ever. Solid opener followed by a ****+ match, followed by SID, followed by a good garbage match, followed by another ****+ match, and ended up with an average spotfest and an average World Title match. The two ****+ matches get the recommendation alone, and the spotfest is good upon first view. Recommended. NOW: VIEWER MAIL! First, Jason Kreitzer writes, "I know one example where Flair did not get slammed off the top rope after climbing up there. Check his match with Harley Race at Starrcade '83.J Flair won after hitting a top rope bodypress." I LOVE being wrong! I was only six months old at the time, so I don't remember it, and my local video stores suck for wrestling, so I'll have to take your word for it, but THERE is someone who's been reading! He also gave me the entire story behind Beefcake's millionth gimmick and that frozen guy I talked about in my Slamboree report. Thanks Jason! Second, Joe Wames writes, "Could you please separate your report into PARAGRAPHS? It's difficult to read an entire match in one paragraph. Thanks." Your wish is my command, Joe. I've separated into user-friendly paragraphs, which I will do for my Slamboree report as well. If anyone wants a copy of the edited version, just e-mail me at barksimpsons25@erols.com and ask for it. And lastly, BPrice4029 writes, "How the hell did you rate these matches? *** for a Hogan match?" Okay, let me explain my rating method by justifying every match I had on this card. Match 1: Three Way Dance (Balls/Axl vs. FBI vs. Doring/Roadkill)- Match got two stars. I hate restholds, and this match had none. But, at the same time, it was hard to follow and had no table spots. Table spots help a match, unless you have more than three, like the main event. But that's another paragraph. Match 2: Tajiri vs. Super Crazy- Non-stop, but in a promotion with "Extreme" in it's title, I expect a table spot, or at least a chair. Both of those factors lose 1/4* total, which brings it down to ****1/2. Match 3: Sid vs. Kronus- I'd rather have a two minute squash than a 20 minute match full of restholds. Table spot gets it the star- weak chair shots get NOTHING. Match 4: Dudleys vs. Spike/New Jack- I like a garbage match after some fairly solid wrestling. No rest, but it was hard to follow and every weapon seemed the same. Match 5: Rob Van Dam vs. Lance Storm- Like match 2, totally non-stop action, but in an "Extreme" promotion, I need a table spot for *****. This match is higher than match 2, however, because it had more on the line. Match 6: Tommy Dreamer vs. Justin Credible- Match that coulda been **** if not for the horribly over-complex spots. I don't think Justin'll ever be five star material, but he's capable of at least four. Like I say, it was too much of a spot fest. Match 7: Taz vs. Shane- To me, that whole "fight all over the building" nonsense is worse than a ten minute headlock. I was seriously considering negative numbers, but the last five minutes or so were RED HOT. As far as giving Hogan ***, Savage, Flair, and Vader all were good workers, so I don't think the *** was necessarily attributed to Hogan. There were no rest holds for long periods of time, and it was 18 minutes of action, and Hulk didn't glaringly screw the match up, so hence the three stars. Well, before I go, remember to e-mail me at barksimpsons25@erols.com. All e-mail is apprciated. Thanks again to CRZ for a chance to express my mind on his site. Patrick Barker review archives coming soon Mail the Author |
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