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THE REAL ROSS REPORT

Greetings from my big plush office full of nekkid blonde chicks looking for jobs. They're polishing my Black Resistol Hat as I write...

The Federation superstars are off Friday, Saturday and Sunday for Easter weekend, making this the second straight weekend that they've been off rollin' fatties and pimpin' ho's. Al Snow will, of course, be working, wrestling himself on a six-match card in Bucksnort. Many of superstars are looking forward to doing absolutely jack this weekend, especially the ones with pert young mistresses, like myself. We return for what should be a very good show in Knoxville, Tennessee, and just a warning to those attending: if you chant "We Want Jerry", we WILL shoot you. We'll be at the Gaylord Centre in Nashville on Tuesday, and I hear that Perry Saturn and Pat Patterson are pretty psyched for that show. Should make some interesting TV. We may also make some matches for Backlash this week, but don't take that as gospel.

Chicago's All-State Arena is already sold-out for Backlash. Chicago is always the place to go when putting on lame pay-per-views, because the fans are so ass-backwards that they'll buy the tickets anyway. Quite frankly, are ticket sales are as strong as Dino Bravo right now, disproving all those naysayers who said that Haku Vs. Bossman main events would not draw. Albuquerque in New Mexico is selling well, giving myself and Paul Heyman a chance to really offend with racist comments, and then the superstars will fly to Denver for two days of tapings. It's always good to spend two days in the same place, as we can go out and get drunk off our asses and not worry about transport the next day. So everybody's looking forward to that. Except Essa Rios, who invariably gets beaten up when the stars get a bit rowdy.

Our business on Wednesday and Thursday in Florida really sucked ass-I guess that's what happens when you put on events in Old People Central-but on the plus side everyone came out injury-free. As we all well know, Florida is a dangerous place, full of vicious rookie sensations.

Taka Michinoku's shoulder has defected back to MPW, and is scheduled to take on Jushin "Thunder" Liger this weekend. Taka's been somewhat adversely affected by this predicament, but he should be able to work through it.

Rikishi, who had eardrum surgery several weeks ago, has an appointment on Tuesday. We think he'll be released to fly, but that's only if we can get his fat ass off the ground. We won't know when he'll be able to return, but if we're lucky it could be never.

I injured K-Kwik during an arm-wrestling match this week, hurting his shoulder somewhat. We pulled it about a bit and each tried out our own medical remedies, and X-Pac medicinal pot seemed to work well. I'd be surprised if Kwik doesn't need some drugs rehab somewhere down the road.

Buh Buh Buh Ray Dudley is having some visa problems. he could be sent back to the Philippines within the week.

Scotty 2 Hotty is seeing a specialist about his injured worming leg. That specialist is MC Hammer, in case you were wondering.

We're just a few weeks away from our UK PPV, Insurrextion, and I'll be damned if we're gonna name any matches before bell-time. Oh, alright. You'll probably see Albert Vs. Steve Blackman, as well as Commissioner Regal Vs. Chris Benoit in a bikini contest, during which a trophy will probably get smashed. An X-Pac Vs. Perry Saturn main event is on the cards too. The crowd will be amazing as usual, meaning we can jerk them around as much as we like. More on Insurrextion next week. If I can be bothered. Bradshaw and William Regal will be shooting some hilarious vignettes in public urinals in Britain on May 2nd, for a few days. They'll also be making some appearances for various charities, including the Rich People Who have Nothing Wrong With Them Foundation, and the Blackpool Natives Who Can't Control Their Bladders Fund. We really appreciate all the gap-toothed loons that turn out in England.

Chyna will be on ABC's "The View", and hopefully we will not be viewing her in any great detail. She'll discuss her book, meaning she'll probably have to read it first. It'll be a nice opportunity for her, so I hope she tries to make herself look at least somewhat feminine for it.

The Rock will be on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" on May 1 to talk about "Finally...The Mummy...Has Come BACK To Egypt" and "The Scorpion Deathlock King." I'm sure they'll also talk about Leno's huge chin and abysmal match with Diamond Dallas "Scum" Page. Damn, I sure hope Rocky makes him Feel The Bang. We're happy for the Rock in his movie career, as long as he carries on making bad films and screwing it up himself. If he happens on a good role, however, we'll step in.

While we're extremely proud of what Rulon Gardner accomplished in the Olympics, he has a REALLY stupid name. And we're firing Tiger Ali Singh, meaning he can't whomp him to get over.

We're currently preparing to promote Mick Foley's new book, "Foley Is Good At Writing Crap". I haven't had an opportunity to read, but that's because that BASTARD Val Venis took all the copies out into the parking lot and burnt them in a trash can. Mick should be back on TV soon for promotional work, possibly to form an oddball tag team with The Rock. That'll be a plus-maybe we'll finally get around to writing an ending for that "This Is Your Life" skit.

SmackDown! did a 3.7 rating, which, admittedly is really really bad. My excuse: people just aren't watching as much television any more. We did beat FOX, which is not too bad, but they WERE showing World's Fattest Animals" at the time, so I guess it's not so big. I thought it was a solid show, especially the segment with myself and Debra. The situation with Jeff Hardy and Triple H should lead to some good TV this week, as Triple H squashes the youngster and moves back into being best buddies with his worst enemy for no reason. You have to wonder what Triple H will say to Stone Cold, who was not there after leaving the building to go bone his wife. That's Steve's wife, not Triple H's wife.

XFL playoffs...This weekend...Be there!

Please.

Now that the XFL experiment is well and truly baked, I should be able to devote more time to fucking up WCW. I'm headed down to Atlanta next week to "evaluate" the "talent", or bitch out the jobbers, in other words. I hope to develop a rapport with the wrestlers, although they will respect me or I will take them to school. You hear me, Hugh Morrus?

We will be shipping some underutilised talents over to the new organisation, including some big stars from OVW. Some people from the WWF will get the chances they never did before, especially stars like Billy Gunn and Steve Blackman, who should be thrust to the top of the roster. It'll be fun to watch this new promotion grow and develop before we step on it, so be sure to tune in. June 9th, 1am is the start time, and I hope you laugh at our efforts.

Molly Holly, Victoria and Edge and Christian will participate in a fatal Four Way Evening Gown match for "The" Rick Bassman's UPW organisation. We like working with Rick as he's pretty short and ugly, giving us a good feeling about ourselves.

One of our developmental talents-I forget who-is going under the knife on May 1st at the UCLA Medical School For The Mentally Challenged. Hopefully he'll survive this and go on to be a big star on the indy circuit, before ultimately dying an angry, bitter old man with banged-up knees.

Jim Cornette has really taught those youngsters down at OVW how to swing a tennis racket. I'd be surprised if some of these guys don't make it on national TV in the next few weeks-isn't there a new series of "America's Dumbest Criminals" starting real soon.

Eric Angle isn't as good as his brother, or even as good-looking. His hairline is further back, he's got a funny nose, and he screwed up the Last Ride at the Survivor Series. But he could make a real good jobber some day.

Solomoniasomenapandsa Saiopoasocxpsaosa-who looks amazingly like The Rock, if he was big and ugly with a stupid name-had some swollen ass problems. He's better, and he resumed chasing bakery vans earlier this week.

OVW's FLASH!! AHAAAAAAAAAA! Flanagan had surgery to remove a jobber stuck under his fingernail this week. He reminds me of Mick Foley, in that he's real fat with no athletic talent, but he's a nice guy who everyone likes so he'll get pushed. He should end up in WCW. With a different name, obviously. Possibly Crash Flanagan.

Savio Vega and Victor Quinnones are doing a fine job avoiding death in Puerto Rico. A couple of our talents, including Pete "Second Coming Of Jesus" Gas and Russ McMullough-who did NOT play Loch Ness in WCW-are going down there to trail drug smugglers and have wild, crazy adventures. McCullough resembles Kevin Nash, in that he's got real pretty hair, but we need him to be himself rather than a big, lazy dumbass pothead who buttfucks bookers to get ahead. Although a little buttfucking would be nice.

Now that he's been cast off TV due to indignant racial minorities, Tiger Ali Singh could be sent to Puerto Rico. He's got a good look-apart from the turban-but the lightbulb just hasn't been smashed over his head yet. Maybe he'll improve south of the border, so he can be positioned as a bottom rung, jobbing-to-Kwee Wee guy in WCW.

The MCW situation has been a little unsteady lately, what with all the Elvis sitings in the area lately. There are some real fine guys down there, and they can all make it in this biz, unless they demand $250,000 for dropping the Intercontinental Title to a woman before leaving for a rival organisation. Then they'll likely get fired live on air. We've just signed Christian Matthews and Joey York-I think-and they are gonna be big if they put a little weight on the right way. That's gorging yourself and taking lots of steroids, by the way.

A load of guys will be wrestling and/or getting beat up at a big MCW show on April 18th. Should be pretty successful, and I hope some people will accidentally buy tickets for the show.

Take care, especially if you're in Calgary. I hear Bret Hart's going driving this weekend.

JR

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