WrassleMania was a great success, financially speaking. The drunks and Krishnas I talked to in the airport were very positive, and even complimented me on my victory over William Regal. Obviously some of them were not as coherent as you'd wish, but praise is praise, folks. From top to bottom, everyone worked hard, except Test. I can't ever give one of our own shows a perfect 10 because people will call me an egomaniac, but this was a solid eight or nine (or ten).

It's very important that the opener for a pay-per-view establishes the standard for the rest of the night. Sadly, Chris Jericho Vs. William Regal sucked, mostly due to the fact that both participants spent the afternoon urinating on fans from atop the AXXESS entrance. We needed that match to be good, and damnit, it wasn't. Damn you, Jericho, damn you, Regal. Damn your souls.

Match of the night honours surely go to the six-man tag team match. When Bradshaw executed that swanton from the ladder, my heart damn near jumped outta my mouth. And Bull Buchanan's mid-air spear? Scintillating. They may have been disappointed with the crowd response, but Texans are idiots so it doesn't matter. COME ON, PEOPLE! STEVE AUSTIN TURNED HEEL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BOO HIM!

Eddie Guerrero Vs. Test was one of the sleeper matches on the show. By that I mean one to sleep through. Eddie showed that he's a top-level, HeAT main-eventer type talent. Test is becoming that sort of man, but he's still one step below-jobbing to Steve Bradley in dark matches. The involvement of the other two small guys-I forget their names-was a good way to keep the workrate freaks off our backs. And the one with the hat is really starting to develop a personality.

There was an interesting dichotomy in the Hardcore Match because of the big talentless slugs involved in it. Obviously everyone knew that Raven was jobbing because, well, he's not ridiculously big and slow. But they did some good things, and in the end the man that deserved the victory-the man that bumped the least-got the win. The match was a little long, and could have stood to lose around eight minutes, but other than that it was the greatest match ever.

Geez, folks, I'm trying to find a nice way of saying Chyna Vs. Ivory sucked, but I can't do it. Oh wait-how about this? The Women's Title Match came in with a good storyline. Chyna got a great reception. When the Right to Censor was barred from ringside, the outcome probably wasn't a mystery. It may not have been a mystery coming in for many people. But the match was timed very well. Both Chyna and Ivory worked very hard for a solid outing. There. Did that work? No, it didn't get across that yours truly felt this match sucked balls. Which is precisely why Chyna is here in the first place.

Kurt Angle Vs. Chris Benoit was a throwback. Next time expect them to be in full Seventies gear, possibly including some sort of afro for Chris Benoit. Apart from that it was a classic wrestling match that bored the shit out of me. I look forward to seeing them wrestle again, possibly in some sort of gimmick match. Tuxedo rules, maybe?

The McMahon Streetfight was obviously an amazing match considering that neither is a trained experienced in-ring worker. But considering that they did nothing in the ring, I guess it is pretty average. Going in, the issue was well-defined, and everyone knew Linda was gonna help her son. In the end, it's good to see Linda getting a push over any of the WCW "talents", and that's what matters to this old Okie.

The was no substantial buildup to the TLC match, so obviously it lacked the emotional sizzle of some other matches. But it was very energetic for a four minute match, and Jeff Hardy's Clothesline From Hell was moderately impressive.

One of the highlights of the Gimmick Battle Royal for me was the commentary by Gene Okerlund and Bobby Heenan. Paul Heyman and I sat there and laughed out loud. It's so funny when washed-up old farts don't realise that they're mocking themselves! The match itself was strictly tongue-in-cheek, or finger-in-throat. It was never positioned as being anything remotely entertaining. And we got what we wanted from it-blowjobs from big burly men wanting to be at WrestleMania.

Taker Vs. Triple H was another throwback, this time to that great eighties film "Tron". The effects when Taker chokeslammed "The Game" from the sound stage rivalled that of the computerised classic. Triple H established his "Big Mincer With A Sledgehammer" persona even further. I thought it was outstanding. This could have been the closing of the show, but fortunately we suddenly remembered we had one match left.

Stone Cold Vs. The Rock had so much emotional attachments, and Austin had a huge home-field advantage. He is a folk hero around the world, releasing such classics as "Tap Your Toes An Give The Finger With Me" and "Folk Classics, Redneck Style". The Banjo Rattlesnake, as branded by yours truly, identifies with the Texas fans, but ultimately pities them because they're not screwing Debra. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Texans are a proud, stupid bunch, which was hard on the Rock. He's obviously more entertaining than Austin, but he got booed because he was in Texas and he didn't align himself with Vince McMahon. The story these two told was awesome. The wasn't two guys in a main event. It was two guys, a referee and an owner of a Fortune 500 company in a main event. And that always makes it better, because with a referee around you can actually finish the matches.

Lotsa WCW rumours swirlin' around, so I'll address some of 'em. Twenty-four members of the ring crew have been contractually obligated as of today, and we hope to actually have some wrestlers in place within two or three weeks. This would include both jobbers and potential main-eventers like Essa Rios. The tentative new night of starting is June 9, possibly emanating from the ECW Arena, although this may change depending on how many tickets we can unload. It is possible that several former WCW talents may be given the chance to rejoin the team after their contractual wrangling has been sorted out. Names being looked at include Kenny Kaos and Ray "Glacier" Lloyd. Only the best for our new promotion, folks.

Contrary to what you may have heard, no site has been finalised for the 2002 WrassleMania. Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg is under strong consideration, but seeing as the area is full or old people who will most likely complain about the crassness of a wrestling event we may steer clear. Stay tuned-we should know more by April next year.

After The Rock's "indefinite suspension" by Mr. McMahon Thursday night on SmackDown!, do not expect to see the People's Champion back in a Federation ring until July or August. Expect him to appear at the top of the ramp during mid-May, however. And contrary to popular rumour, their has been no discussion regarding the Rock going to work for WCW. We only intend to send glorified jobbers over there like Billy Gunn, but the list has yet to be finalised. If K-Kwik blows another backflip, expect him to be added to it.

I bled for you, Steve. Dammit, look what you did to me! And in Oklahoma, no less! Doctors advised me that I could have used stitches on my wound, but I wanted those cool staples like the Undertaker had. I hear Steve's right hand is a little sore, by the way. it must be missing that mutual masturbation thing we had going.

Our superstars return to work on Monday, which is a good thing because we really need them to make RAW work. They're not the whole show, but they're an important part.

Kane, Gangrel, Essa Rios and Taka Michinoku are all not taking showers in Puerto Rico this weekend.

Next week in Tallahassee, Fla., the main event will be a six-man tag featuring Undertaker, Kane and Chris Jericho against Austin, Triple H, and Commissioner William Regal. Expect Jericho to job to all five men at once.

Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, APA, Crash and Molly will compete in Jackson, Tenn., on Wednesday, April 18, for Memphis Championship Wrestling. Some big names could also be appearing alongside them.

Many Federation Superstars are planning on being a part of a huge Ohio Valley Wrestling event in Louisville, Ky., on Wednesday, June 27. Possible waiting outside the arena to taunt Mark Henry after the show.

Chances are good that both Stone Cold and Triple H will retain-er, I mean defend their respective Federation titles on May 5 at the United Kingdom's Insurrextion Pay-Per-View.

Playboy seems to be interested in doing more projects with the Federation. Could a JR centrefold be in the works? This old Okie thinks so.

Al Snow, Tazz, Jacqueline and Tori are all doing an excellent job according to TV producers of "Tough Enough," our new MTV program. As best I know, June is the debut month for this new reality-based broadcast. Could go head-to-head with the new WCW methinks. There is certainly more talent involved.

All of the JR's BBQ Sauce brought to AXXESS was sold! I'm glad I took my checkbook.

I'm hearing from people these days that I have not heard from in year, and I just gotta say, Bruno Sammartino, there is no a place here for you. Stop leaving messages on my answerphone.

Expect next weeks TV to be very hot! Or so my "sources" tell me. Those are the other guys on the booking committee, if you're wondering. Could I be hinting at an Inferno Match? Hopefully not.

We are very pleased with Rhyno's progress thus far. Look for him to pick up some wins over some non-jobbers in the near future, then maybe get pushed into a program with Gangrel.

Seeing as we've made one totally improbable alliance this week, how about another? Y2J and Chris Benoit sounds like a good match, and it'll piss the smarks off. Yeah, let's do it. And give them a goofy name too.

William Regal and Bradshaw will be playing poker with the Queen in the UK May 2-4.

Speaking of Bradshaw, he may be in line for a significant singles opportunity real soon. The big guy is real good at threatening the bookers, which is always a significant advantage when gaining a push. He's also freakishly big and talentless, two qualities that Vince McMahon loves. Got a big future, from where I sit.

I honestly can't believe this has finally happened. After months of conjecture, we've finally had to release Just Joe. Many backstage officials were shocked and saddened at this development, and Just Joe's husband, Kevin Kelly, threatened to walk and leave us without a commentator for the crucial Metal hour. Thankfully we were able to patch things up, and we wish Joe the best of luck in the future.

I am in Las Vegas for my last XFL game ever. I would love to broadcast the next season, but that dirty, dirty scumbag Vince McMahon has made me into a scapegoat for this crummy pile of crap. I have no regrets, except perhaps missing the opportunity to kick Jess Ventura in the nuts. Working with Dick Butkus has been a dream come true, and it was truly an honour to be on a team with the coach from "Hangtime". I am always inspired with the attitude of the many players and coaches who have worked their asses off, and tried their hardest even though they completely suck. Maybe next season will be better, as the addition of steel chairs during plays is expected.

Take care, and check out the REAlRossReport Archives. The link's below, folks. Keep watching the skies!

J.R.

Old School
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