Lotsa newsand shiznt bein' rapped from under the Black Resistol Hat this week, homeboys n grrls. Let's kick it, JR-style.

Bob Holly hasn't been cleared to return to work yet, as swollen vertebrae can have a VERY detrimental effect to a stock car driver's performance. He should be able to return to wrestling next week, however, because real-life injuries have no sway on that.

Take note, all you young teenage girls-Kane lives in Knoxville! And what's more, he'll be modelling for some pornography in the area this week! Yessir, our very own Big Red Machine has managed to land a centrefold in Horny Burns Victims Monthly. Could it outsell the Chyna Playboy? The odds look good, in my opinion.

Shane MacMahon has worked his ass off over the past few weeks to get in shape for WrestleMania, but will still require assistance from his comatose mother to overthrow the damn evil Vince MacMahon. Some people would class that as giving away a storyline, or "breaking kayfabe", but those are probably the same people that keep stealing Mrs Ross' underwear from our clothesline.

The Undertaker had 16 staples put in his head after SmackDown! On Teusday night. He still lost the bet, however, as Funaki managed to take 23 staples before passing out from the pain.

Scotty Too Hotty is healing well, and he will appear at WrestleMania, possibly even in the main event.

Rikishi's head exploded during his weekly checkup this week. Luckily surgeons were standing by with another 120-pound Samoan head to transplant, and disaster was aborted.

We got more than enough jobbers right now, so look for a lotta developmental wasters, or "talents", if you prefer, to be released. I'll draw the names out of a hat in next week's column.

Spike Dudley and the Spearmint Rhyno looked good last week, for guys who've never competed in front of audiences not full of complete dickheads, but we could've explained better who they were. Especially Spike, who was apparently mistaken for Garth Algar of "Wayne's World" fame at the front desk. Poor li'l guy.

Elvis Presley is doing a great job of shaping our young talent down in Memphis, despite the notable handicap of being dead. There's more than one "king" in this game, folks. But then if we think about that, we have to think about Mabel. And we don't wanna go there.

Madison Square Garden is once again sold out for Saturday night. Not sure who's performing there, but it's pretty impressive.

Shawn Michaels could be back on TV as early as next week, if we decide to start airing those extra-long "WrestleMania" ads.

SmackDown! sucked on Thursday night. I blame Raven.

Expect a Benoit/Angle match to be added to WrestleMania. This could be a really hot opener, and set the stage for the stars to perform later on in the card.

Physically, Test is a star. Mentally, Test is a retard.

K-Kwik is back at 100%. Good news for the potheads in the locker room. Expect Kwik to release a cover of "Hammertime" later this year.

TLC 2 seems to be one of the most anticipated matches at WrestleMania. I'll hold my breath on this one. Which probably means I'll be dead by next week's column, so don't expect it up on time!

"Le Sex" Mick Foley will be a part of WrestleMania, probably reversing the decision in Chris Benoit's match. Only in the WWF, folks!

The "Gimmick Battle Royal" is really beginning to take shape. Look for Flex Kavana, the Ringmaster, Punisher Dice Morgan and Unabom to be added to the line-up before bell-time.

"Tough Enough" continues to make grown men cry. In this case Tazz, who finally got fed up with all the competitors midget jokes. Poor guy. Pat Patterson has already taped a cameo shower scene for the show.

Vince MacMahon was absolutely freaking great on WFAN radio on Thursday, in my opinion possibly one of the best radio interviews of all time. Amazing Spiderman columnist Phil "The Shill" Sputnik did not come across as well, in my opinion, which is, of course, Vince's opinion.

X-Pac, Juhstin and Albert work well together, but all three need to work on their politicking to get where they wanna go-which is Amsterdam, I hear.

Could Raven be on his way to becoming a fan favorite? No!

There's no point in me pointing out that Steve Bradley has a shoulder injury that won't keep him out of action. So I won't.

Some federation talent will be reassigned to Puerto Rico real soon. I'd expect Steve Austin and Chris Benoit to end up there before the season is out. Kwang is doing a good things down there, teaching our stars the ways of the evil martial artist.

Val Venis will be receiving the "He Sucks But We'll Do Anything To Get Him Over"push of this year, sooner rather than later.

Merchandise sales are real good right now, including Good Ol' JR's "From Where I Sit" baseball jersey. Triple H also scored three items in the Top 20 lists, a sure sign that he'll turn face soon.

Pay to visit WWF AXXESS, and get the privelige of having a drunken superstar punch right in the face! I truly hope you pop in if you are in the Houston area. All the federation superstars will be there-Steve Austin, The Rock, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Na-----awwwww, crap. Me and my big mouth.

Tajiri is currently getting paid by the federation, but we can't find anyone to do his voiceover. He should debut soon-keep your eyes on Metal, folks!

Perry Saturn's in-ring work is unfairly compared to actual good wrestlers such as Chris benoit, Dean Malenko and Eddie Guerrero. Perry works very hard with Pat Patterson to get higher up the ladder, and for a mongoloid circus freak he is really making strides. Working smarter solves lots of perceived ills, whatever the Hell that means. I think Saturn will be just fine in OVW.

The J.R.'s BBQ Sauce project is alive and well. Good things are on the horizon. Possibly even me shutting up about this crap.

Mark Henry, who has really natty dreads, is still a big stupid fatty. He is being creatively discussed within the Federation, and may possibly come back in some sort of "sex addict" angle. We like to explore new ideas here at Titan Towers.

Busy week ahead for yours truly-I'll be working all week to come up with some new rumours to spread around, as well as putting plans in action to totally bury WCW.

OVW, oddly, is not in Ohio. I know, I'm as shocked as you. OVW is a vital part of what we want in the future for the federation-a place where all the young talent can go while we run ourselves into the ground with the veterans.

Jerry Lynn jobs to the Big Show this Sunday in Baltimore.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! WE BOUGHT WCW! AHAHAHAHA!

Don't wait to order WrestleMania-you might actually realise that it's identical to last year's if you do! Take care, and remember-until you've walked a mile in my hat, you cannot appreciate how itchy it is.

J.R

Old School
EZboard resident