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The PRIVATE Ross Report

Random thoughts, some old news and a little unnecessary moaning from under the Black Resistol Hat...

The XFL is improving day by day, and as long as I'm commentating it'll just keep on being the best. I'm headed to Memphis for the Saturday night B-Team match, meaning I don't get to piss all over that bastard Jesse Ventura's leg any more. There is a chance that I will attend the UPW show this Wednesday, but only if I'm in the mood for criticisin' some jobbers.

Rikishi is a big fat bitch who has no place in the wrestling industry, ESPECIALLY across the ring from Steve Austin. It's a damn good job Steve burst his ear drum this week, meaning I won't have to watch the bloated tub until after WrestleMania.

Bob Holly has had the steel rod in his arm ripped out by a giant magnet. He should be out for at least four years, after which we expect him to return with some kind of mystical power-super strength, maybe? Good Ol' JR sees a lot of potential in this future member of the Justice League.

Scotty Too Hotty had his ankle snapped by Kurt Angle in a revolting angle this week and should be out until after we've fired Jerry' kid. Ooops. This humble Oklahoman is still trying to figure out how those wizards made Scotty's ankle break like that...Why, I saw him right after and he looked just fine!

I deny any rumours about Edge having a sore back. He'll be back Monday, though.

"Tough Enough" begins taping this week, with five separate divisions planned. Dave Taylor and Tori will train the men and women, Al Snow will take the schizophrenics, Jackie will be handling the ugly hermaphrodite competitors and Tazz will be coaching midget commentators. sorts. Should be an interesting show, says I.

Unusual house shows bookings saw Andre The Giant return from the dead to beat Bruno Sammartino this weekend, as well as a number of tag team specialists wrestling singles matches. I never thought I'd see the day where Jim Brunzell faced Roadkill one on one, no sirree.

Lita and Trish are away making soft porn in the UK this weekend, but should be back under my office desk on Monday morning.

Terry Gerin has worked some house shows recently and has dropped more than twenty pounds, after I locked him in the boiler room with no food for four days. Not sure what his ring name will be, but I'm sure we can come up with something suitably jobber-orientated.

The Big Show is fat, but he gives excellent head, so there.

The Oklahoma SmackDown tapings on April 3rd sold out in two hours. Up yours, all those who laughed at my inbreeding backstage-look who's laughing now, huh?

K-Kwik should be back from a broken rib in another 2-3 weeks. But he won't.

Ideas are being discussed for the former Lo-Down, including carrying my bags and polishing Triple H's biceps. Nothing's etched in stone yet, though-we might even be able to squeeze them into the ring crew. Stay tuned.

Commissioner William Regal has some great friends backstage and this young man's push should keep on getting bigger and bigger.

Kane was featured in a new Stacker II commercial-pause it just before the kid says "Great", and you can see him scratching his ass just behind the second tree on the left.

Steve Austin will be on Jay Leno's show on March 14th, which means there'll be no-one around to tuck me up in bed. Leno's been having a field day with the XFL, which means I'll give Steve orders to Stun him.

Triple H's steroid commercial will be saved for after WrestleMania-or cnacelled completely if the police read this.

Damn, I'm tired of the snow and cold weather here in Connecticut. I'm looking forward to me and Steve going on our second honeymoon later this year. Happy days.

Kurt Angle showed real promise this week on SmackDown, and moving him into a high-profile feud with the returning Olympian Mark Henry seems likely. Test was okay, too, but his backstage politicking must come to a stop before he takes up all the limelight.

Federation superstars will be all over Houston and the AXXESS fan festival during WrestleMania weekend, ready to verbally and physically abuse fans at will. We await your lawsuits!

Several superstars will appear on Off The Record on Canada's TSN soon. The Hardys and Lita will be there also.

Triple H signed some copies of "WreslteMania: The Official Insider's Story" at WWF New York this week, and was shocked when a planted fan didn't try and start a fight with him. No word on who this mysterious insider is yet. Could it be Clarence Mason?

Trish will be at some blowjob convention this week.

The overwhelming deluge of e-mails in support of Jerry "The King" Lawler and the Kat are really getting on my nerves. The stupid bastard's gone so stop sending me abuse. I'm oftern asked (yes, often, even though he left just last week) if I miss working with the King. Of course I don't! The man couldn't control his dick, he had an annoying voice and he used to grope me under the announce desk. I have not spoken to him since the incident, preferring only to breath heavily down the phone before hanging up.

I thought Paul Heyman sucked ass when sat next to me Monday night. He is a talentless slug who should go back to running his flea circus promotion ASAP. However, I could be wrong. His style differs to mine-his is more realistic whereas mine is more "hyperactive nine-year-old", which can make a difference. He makes much fewer gay advances than Lawler, though, which pleases me. I only like that when connected to booking-it's strictly a business thing.

The XFL has kept me busy, giving me much material for the erotic story collection I hope to write one day. The story of me with the hunky young quarterback from the Maniax is a must-read.

Seems as if WrestleMania is getting closer and closer every day. Which it is, of course. The Austin squash should be good, although I'm a little worried about the Rock's spotlight-stealing. Looks as if it's going to be Undertaker-Triple H also, which will suck. Not to oversell, but BY GOD THIS SHOW COULD BE AWESOME! ROCK-AUSTIN-WRESTLIEMANIA-IT'S-ON!

No word when Shawn Michaels will be back on your TVs. When he returns would be my best guess.

Kiss my ass,

JR

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