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SCREW YOU BISCHOFF

Before the column, time to check The Mailbox - I got three letters on column #1 which I don't think is to bad for my first column. Since I only got three letters I decided to show all of them. I'm sorry if any of the three authors didn't want me to post their message. If anyone who sends me an e-mail doesn't want me to print it, please tell me and I will oblige. Anyway, onto the letters:

Letter #1

Hey, nice column. Keep on bashing Bischoff and you pretty much can't go wrong.

- Ian Serotkin, Jobber-at-Large

Thanks for the compliment, I'll try to keep it up!

Letter #2

Your right man fuck bischoff :) keep it up that was some good shit.

- Dave

Wow, two positive e-mails in a row. Thanks again.

Letter #3

Hey man before you go off on somebody make sure your facts are straight. If you actually watched that episode of Arli$$ you would know that it was Squiggy that said "The Enforcer" was a bad name for a wrestler. Bischoff didn't say anything bad about it. Besides it was just a TV show, I doubt Bischoff had anything to do with writing the script. On the plus side, you do seem to have pretty good knowledge of wrestling. Maybe you could write a column about how the WWF has the same 15 wrestlers on every show or how the WCW constantly pushes all the old guys that should be retired by now.

- Kevin Sobiski

Well I knew that the honeymoon wouldn't last forever :) Mr. Sobiski is correct when he says that it was Squiggy not Bischoff who remarks about "The Enforcer", but if Bischoff cared about Arn Anderson he could have asked the writers of Arli$$ to change the name of the character or just write out the line entirely. The fact that WCW had Robert Wuhl on Nitro and made Even with the shit ratings that Nitro is getting now I'm pretty sure that WCW gets better ratings than Arli$$. With that and the fact that HBO probably called WCW, thereby allowing Bischoff to set his own rules for things like the script and the wrestlers he wants to use, the argument that Bischoff had no control, doesn't really fly with me. Thanks for the compliment about wrestling knowedlge. As for the WWF, yes they are using only about 15 guys, but it works. As for the old guys, that is discussed below.

Besides the letters from readers, I also got a compliment (I think) from fellow [slash] wrestling columnist C.R. Wilson in his Wednesday edition of CRants. So to Mr. Wilson (Denis the Menace on Nickelodeon flashback) if your statement was a compliment, then I thank you, if not..... pwwwwwwwbbbbbbbbbbh. I also want to assure Mr. Wilson that the Nick that writes for TPWW is not me. Counting this column I've written two wrestling items for the internet.

Welcome to the second installment of Screw you Bischoff (yep that's the third title in only two editions!). I have every intention on making this a weekly column, but Monday's Nitro was so fucking awful that I couldn't hold back until Monday.

Let me be honest. When I wrote the first installment of this column I was afraid that I was going to run out of material. Coming off the July 19th Nitro it seemed that Bischoff had began to turn around WCW, and that soon I would have nothing to ridicule Bischoff about.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Judging from this week's Nitro I will never run out of material . There is so much that was wrong with Nitro that I'm not sure what to cover. The Patty Stone Grinder/Medusa match was putrid. Patty Stone Grinder looks like she got lost on her way to Strugis around 1960, while Medusa just needs to get off my TV and back on her street corner. The brilliant Savage/Rodman feud continued on its course to Shitville (which is right next to Dudleyville I might add) with a quick stop in domestic abuse land and I just banged your girlfriend city. Apparently those who order Road Wild get Miss Madness/Madusa (why were they cooperating against GG if they have a match against each other?) and a Savage/Rodman match, fuck you Bischoff. The sound you hear is everyone who already ordered Road Wild, desperately calling to get their money back. While Shane Douglas continued Bischoff's mission to bury the Four Horsemen, Arn Anderson, and especially Ric Flair (don't worry that's going to be another column, or perhaps a series). But of all the crap, the main thing that stand out in my mind was Jason Hervey. Therefore this installment of "Screw you Bischoff" will deal with celebrities.

On the surface adding mainstream celebrities to a wrestling broadcast seems like a good idea. The theory being that not only will the true wrestling fans watch the show for wrestling, but people that aren't fans or don't know about wrestling will watch for the celebrities. The WWF seems to have done this rather well, especially at Wrestlemania. Vince realizes that the stars have no value to wrestling content of the program, so he puts Burt Reynolds as a guest ring announcer and Marla Maples as a timekeeper. Nothing to interfere with the storylines, but enough to get a mention in the mainstream press. Occasionally McMahon will have the celebrity enter the ring, like Mr. T and Wrestlemania I, a whole bunch of NFL players in WMII, and a few others. This almost never works, because the wrestlers have to bring themselves down to the level of the celebrity, ensuring a crap match. Bischoff, in all his wisdom, seems to have gone straight to the wrestling aspect. I actually don't mind Karl Malone or Jay Leno (it hurts me to say that), because at the time WCW was on top and could experiment. Today these celebrity tie ins are nothing more than a desperate attempt to win back some viewers. With that said, lets review the recent cavalcade of stars to grace your TV screen.

Master P - The introduction of Master P into WCW may go down as one of the biggest clusterfucks in the history of not only WCW but of all wrestling. Bischoff seemingly had two completely different views on who is audience really is. View #1 - Wrestling is cool with all the kids, therefore all our fans must be kids. Kids also like rap, lets mix the two. Result Master P. View #2 - Wrestling is really popular in the south with middle age men, those guys like NASCAR, therefore we will sponsor a NASCAR and defeat evil Vince. *sigh* if only Eric's brain would work together. Then because listening to P (short for pissing off everyone in the goddamn building) "sing" wasn't enough, Bischoff decides to involve him and the NLS into the storylines aligning P with Konnan and Mini Konnan. Obviously Bischoff stopped listening to the NASCAR part of his brain and invented the West Texas Rednecks to feud to the NLS. One of the lowpoints of this feud was Silk the Shocker's birthday party. In which the NLS and P stood in the ring, sang to Silk and threw cake at Curt Henning. What a fucking joke. At least it seems that P is gone from WCW, but Bischoff apparently signed the NLS to contracts so we're stuck with Swoll and the palm thrust of doom and Chase (I've got big arms and no talent) Tatum. Can anybody give me a good reason why he was the #1 contender for the TV Title?

MegaDeath - On the July 5th, we're in our home city of Atlanta we better not fuck this up, edition of Nitro. Bischoff gives the fans a performance off everyone's favorite metal band MegaDeath..... what the fuck megadeath?!?! These guys used to be kinda popular and Dave Mustaine was in Metallica for a while which gives him a thumbs up from me, but this was horrible. They played what has turned into Goldberg's new theme song (I ask why) Crush 'Em which was as about un-metal as possible. The MegaDeath quarter-hour pulled down a nice 2.1.....hell I'm pretty sure that most Thunder quarter-hours pull down at least a 2.1. Shit, even some Saturday Night quarter hours get a higher rating that this shit did. Jim Ross summed it up pretty well, Megadeath's new name should be Mega Ratings Death.

Judge Mills Lane - From the beginning this one had suckfest written all over this one. I had the honor of attending Bash at the Beach. Don't give me that look, the tickets were free.... Benoit and Malenko were on the card..... I got to meet Kevin Sullivan.....you're right, I'm an idiot. A Piper/Bagwell wrestling match would be bad enough, but to turn it into a boxing match makes me question if Bischoff has been sampling whatever it is that Medusa looks like she is on. Lane's promo the Monday before was wretched and consisted of him saying: "Let's get it on" way more than he needed to. The match it self was a joke. The problem with a boxing match in wrestling is that since the outcome is predetermined, you can't throw real punches. So it looks fake as hell. The ending, Blockbuster...1, 2, 3 made no sense in the match and just insulted the intelligence of the fans.

Arli$$ - The main, but not only, problem with this is that ARLI$$ ISN'T A FUCKING REAL PERSON. HE'S A GODDAMN CHARACTER. This is obvious by the fact that: 1. Robert Wuhl has been in other movies, thus proving to everyone that he isn't really a sports agent and 2. Hudson hyped him as Robert Wuhl. It's like calling Mike Myers, Wayne, and asking him how Garth is Seems like Wuhl was brought in to set up the Savage/Rodman match, fucker. Hopefully since the match is made (I think, who the hell knows with WCW) Arli$$ can go back to being a real person. I'm not going to talk about Rodzilla, because that would take way to much time.

Jason Hervey - This was nothing short of criminal on the part of Bischoff. The story (as I know it) is that during the 80's when Hervey played Wayne Arnold on the quasi-popular show The Wonder Years, and he would work for NWA/WCW (depending on when in the 80's or early 90's this was) during his summer break as a backstage reporter. Apparently Hervey is a producer in Hollywood now, and is good friends with Eric Bischoff. Therefore, if your good friends with Bischoff then you get either pushed if your a wrestler (Ernest Miller) and now apparently on TV if your not a wrestler. Next week Bischoff's college buddies take over the broadcast duties while his neighbor takes Mean Gene's job and his mailman gets a clean pin on Flair. Scott Hudson and the Brain did an above average (and by Nitro standards a *****) job with the broadcast duties on the July 19th Nitro, but mixing in the "jokes" of Hervey this past Monday killed any chemistry. Wasn't the point of Hervey being there to feud with Arli$$, why did that take him 2 hours! If WCW wants to bring in someone from the The Wonder Years, bring in Danica McKellar who played Winnie Cooper as a valet. She has gotten extremely hot since her television days.

Lets look into the future for the more celebrities shit to come:

Chad Brock - Who the fuck is Chad Brock?!?!?! I'm not into country music, is this guy a name or something? If your going to bring in a country music act, why not bring in someone who people have heard of. At least Bischoff has recognized that a majority of WCW fans are probably more into country music than rap. Seriously though, I expect this quarter-hour of Nitro to go below the 2.0 level. Nothing positive can come of this waste of at least 10 minutes. My only hope is that this doesn't come anywhere near the same time slot as the main event that Hogan will no doubt be in, so that he can't blame the fact that no one gives a shit about Hogan v. Anyone match.

KISS - Well it makes sense that a band that should have retired ten years ago plays on a show in which a majority of the stars should have retired ten years ago. Not only will we get to see KISS play, but it will be the beginning of the KISS Army stable. A stable that I understand will dress just like KISS does, I wonder what Demolition is doing now?

In Short, SCREW YOU BISCHOFF!!!! YOU'VE GOT TALENT UP THE ASS IN WCW, USE THOSE GUYS NOT THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

Well that's it for column #2, I promise not to bother you guys until next week. Keep those comments coming. If you have some suggestions about the column or even ideas, send them in.

Hoping Douglas shoots on Flair in Charlotte on Nitro, so I can watch the fans rush the ring and beat the fucking shit out of Douglas...

Nick A.
freelance

Mail the Author

Main BLAH	SCREW YOU BISCHOFF Before the column, time to check The Mailbox - I got three letters on column #1 which I don't think is to bad for my first column. Since I only got three letters I decided to show all of them. I'm sorry if any of the three authors didn't want me to post their message. If anyone who sends me an e-mail doesn't want me to print it, please tell me and I will oblige. Anyway, onto the letters: Letter #1 Hey, nice column. Keep on bashing Bischoff and you pretty much can't go wrong. - Ian Serotkin, Jobber-at-Large Thanks for the compliment, I'll try to keep it up! Letter #2 Your right man fuck bischoff :) keep it up that was some good shit. - Dave Wow, two positive e-mails in a row. Thanks again. Letter #3 Hey man before you go off on somebody make sure your facts are straight. If you actually watched that episode of Arli$$ you would know that it was Squiggy that said "The Enforcer" was a bad name for a wrestler. Bischoff didn't say anything bad about it. Besides it was just a TV show, I doubt Bischoff had anything to do with writing the script. On the plus side, you do seem to have pretty good knowledge of wrestling. Maybe you could write a column about how the WWF has the same 15 wrestlers on every show or how the WCW constantly pushes all the old guys that should be retired by now. - Kevin Sobiski Well I knew that the honeymoon wouldn't last forever :) Mr. Sobiski is correct when he says that it was Squiggy not Bischoff who remarks about "The Enforcer", but if Bischoff cared about Arn Anderson he could have asked the writers of Arli$$ to change the name of the character or just write out the line entirely. The fact that WCW had Robert Wuhl on Nitro and made Even with the shit ratings that Nitro is getting now I'm pretty sure that WCW gets better ratings than Arli$$. With that and the fact that HBO probably called WCW, thereby allowing Bischoff to set his own rules for things like the script and the wrestlers he wants to use, the argument that Bischoff had no control, doesn't really fly with me. Thanks for the compliment about wrestling knowedlge. As for the WWF, yes they are using only about 15 guys, but it works. As for the old guys, that is discussed below. Besides the letters from readers, I also got a compliment (I think) from fellow [slash] wrestling columnist C.R. Wilson in his Wednesday edition of CRants. So to Mr. Wilson (Denis the Menace on Nickelodeon flashback) if your statement was a compliment, then I thank you, if not..... pwwwwwwwbbbbbbbbbbh. I also want to assure Mr. Wilson that the Nick that writes for TPWW is not me. Counting this column I've written two wrestling items for the internet. Welcome to the second installment of Screw you Bischoff (yep that's the third title in only two editions!). I have every intention on making this a weekly column, but Monday's Nitro was so fucking awful that I couldn't hold back until Monday. Let me be honest. When I wrote the first installment of this column I was afraid that I was going to run out of material. Coming off the July 19th Nitro it seemed that Bischoff had began to turn around WCW, and that soon I would have nothing to ridicule Bischoff about.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Judging from this week's Nitro I will never run out of material . There is so much that was wrong with Nitro that I'm not sure what to cover. The Patty Stone Grinder/Medusa match was putrid. Patty Stone Grinder looks like she got lost on her way to Strugis around 1960, while Medusa just needs to get off my TV and back on her street corner. The brilliant Savage/Rodman feud continued on its course to Shitville (which is right next to Dudleyville I might add) with a quick stop in domestic abuse land and I just banged your girlfriend city. Apparently those who order Road Wild get Miss Madness/Madusa (why were they cooperating against GG if they have a match against each other?) and a Savage/Rodman match, fuck you Bischoff. The sound you hear is everyone who already ordered Road Wild, desperately calling to get their money back. While Shane Douglas continued Bischoff's mission to bury the Four Horsemen, Arn Anderson, and especially Ric Flair (don't worry that's going to be another column, or perhaps a series). But of all the crap, the main thing that stand out in my mind was Jason Hervey. Therefore this installment of "Screw you Bischoff" will deal with celebrities. On the surface adding mainstream celebrities to a wrestling broadcast seems like a good idea. The theory being that not only will the true wrestling fans watch the show for wrestling, but people that aren't fans or don't know about wrestling will watch for the celebrities. The WWF seems to have done this rather well, especially at Wrestlemania. Vince realizes that the stars have no value to wrestling content of the program, so he puts Burt Reynolds as a guest ring announcer and Marla Maples as a timekeeper. Nothing to interfere with the storylines, but enough to get a mention in the mainstream press. Occasionally McMahon will have the celebrity enter the ring, like Mr. T and Wrestlemania I, a whole bunch of NFL players in WMII, and a few others. This almost never works, because the wrestlers have to bring themselves down to the level of the celebrity, ensuring a crap match. Bischoff, in all his wisdom, seems to have gone straight to the wrestling aspect. I actually don't mind Karl Malone or Jay Leno (it hurts me to say that), because at the time WCW was on top and could experiment. Today these celebrity tie ins are nothing more than a desperate attempt to win back some viewers. With that said, lets review the recent cavalcade of stars to grace your TV screen. Master P - The introduction of Master P into WCW may go down as one of the biggest clusterfucks in the history of not only WCW but of all wrestling. Bischoff seemingly had two completely different views on who is audience really is. View #1 - Wrestling is cool with all the kids, therefore all our fans must be kids. Kids also like rap, lets mix the two. Result Master P. View #2 - Wrestling is really popular in the south with middle age men, those guys like NASCAR, therefore we will sponsor a NASCAR and defeat evil Vince. sigh if only Eric's brain would work together. Then because listening to P (short for pissing off everyone in the goddamn building) "sing" wasn't enough, Bischoff decides to involve him and the NLS into the storylines aligning P with Konnan and Mini Konnan. Obviously Bischoff stopped listening to the NASCAR part of his brain and invented the West Texas Rednecks to feud to the NLS. One of the lowpoints of this feud was Silk the Shocker's birthday party. In which the NLS and P stood in the ring, sang to Silk and threw cake at Curt Henning. What a fucking joke. At least it seems that P is gone from WCW, but Bischoff apparently signed the NLS to contracts so we're stuck with Swoll and the palm thrust of doom and Chase (I've got big arms and no talent) Tatum. Can anybody give me a good reason why he was the #1 contender for the TV Title? MegaDeath - On the July 5th, we're in our home city of Atlanta we better not fuck this up, edition of Nitro. Bischoff gives the fans a performance off everyone's favorite metal band MegaDeath..... what the fuck megadeath?!?! These guys used to be kinda popular and Dave Mustaine was in Metallica for a while which gives him a thumbs up from me, but this was horrible. They played what has turned into Goldberg's new theme song (I ask why) Crush 'Em which was as about un-metal as possible. The MegaDeath quarter-hour pulled down a nice 2.1.....hell I'm pretty sure that most Thunder quarter-hours pull down at least a 2.1. Shit, even some Saturday Night quarter hours get a higher rating that this shit did. Jim Ross summed it up pretty well, Megadeath's new name should be Mega Ratings Death. Judge Mills Lane - From the beginning this one had suckfest written all over this one. I had the honor of attending Bash at the Beach. Don't give me that look, the tickets were free.... Benoit and Malenko were on the card..... I got to meet Kevin Sullivan.....you're right, I'm an idiot. A Piper/Bagwell wrestling match would be bad enough, but to turn it into a boxing match makes me question if Bischoff has been sampling whatever it is that Medusa looks like she is on. Lane's promo the Monday before was wretched and consisted of him saying: "Let's get it on" way more than he needed to. The match it self was a joke. The problem with a boxing match in wrestling is that since the outcome is predetermined, you can't throw real punches. So it looks fake as hell. The ending, Blockbuster...1, 2, 3 made no sense in the match and just insulted the intelligence of the fans. Arli$$ - The main, but not only, problem with this is that ARLI$$ ISN'T A FUCKING REAL PERSON. HE'S A GODDAMN CHARACTER. This is obvious by the fact that: 1. Robert Wuhl has been in other movies, thus proving to everyone that he isn't really a sports agent and 2. Hudson hyped him as Robert Wuhl. It's like calling Mike Myers, Wayne, and asking him how Garth is Seems like Wuhl was brought in to set up the Savage/Rodman match, fucker. Hopefully since the match is made (I think, who the hell knows with WCW) Arli$$ can go back to being a real person. I'm not going to talk about Rodzilla, because that would take way to much time. Jason Hervey - This was nothing short of criminal on the part of Bischoff. The story (as I know it) is that during the 80's when Hervey played Wayne Arnold on the quasi-popular show The Wonder Years, and he would work for NWA/WCW (depending on when in the 80's or early 90's this was) during his summer break as a backstage reporter. Apparently Hervey is a producer in Hollywood now, and is good friends with Eric Bischoff. Therefore, if your good friends with Bischoff then you get either pushed if your a wrestler (Ernest Miller) and now apparently on TV if your not a wrestler. Next week Bischoff's college buddies take over the broadcast duties while his neighbor takes Mean Gene's job and his mailman gets a clean pin on Flair. Scott Hudson and the Brain did an above average (and by Nitro standards a ****) job with the broadcast duties on the July 19th Nitro, but mixing in the "jokes" of Hervey this past Monday killed any chemistry. Wasn't the point of Hervey being there to feud with Arli$$, why did that take him 2 hours! If WCW wants to bring in someone from the The Wonder Years, bring in Danica McKellar who played Winnie Cooper as a valet. She has gotten extremely hot since her television days. Lets look into the future for the more celebrities shit to come: Chad Brock - Who the fuck is Chad Brock?!?!?! I'm not into country music, is this guy a name or something? If your going to bring in a country music act, why not bring in someone who people have heard of. At least Bischoff has recognized that a majority of WCW fans are probably more into country music than rap. Seriously though, I expect this quarter-hour of Nitro to go below the 2.0 level. Nothing positive can come of this waste of at least 10 minutes. My only hope is that this doesn't come anywhere near the same time slot as the main event that Hogan will no doubt be in, so that he can't blame the fact that no one gives a shit about Hogan v. Anyone match. KISS - Well it makes sense that a band that should have retired ten years ago plays on a show in which a majority of the stars should have retired ten years ago. Not only will we get to see KISS play, but it will be the beginning of the KISS Army stable. A stable that I understand will dress just like KISS does, I wonder what Demolition is doing now? In Short, SCREW YOU BISCHOFF!!!! YOU'VE GOT TALENT UP THE ASS IN WCW, USE THOSE GUYS NOT THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!!! Well that's it for column #2, I promise not to bother you guys until next week. Keep those comments coming. If you have some suggestions about the column or even ideas, send them in. Hoping Douglas shoots on Flair in Charlotte on Nitro, so I can watch the fans rush the ring and beat the fucking shit out of Douglas... Nick A.* freelance Mail the Author	BLAH
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