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Mr. Mean

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BLAH

DOING IT THE HARDCORE WAY

Terry Funk. Now that's a surprise. So now the new figurehead commissioner of WCW is the king of hardcore himself.

But it sure does look like the nWo is still in charge.

WCW looks like an organization trying to find its way and that was never more clear (or unclear) Monday night. The ridiculous tag team title tournament reached a weird conclusion, Kevin Nash took on a much harder edge and the comedy spots were generally missing though Stevie Ray amused me with his commentary. Perhaps the most compelling angle focuses on Diamond Dallas Page and what direction he is taking.

Though they are not on camera, Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara were prominently mentioned as part of the Powers That Be subplot. We weren't supposed to know that Ferrara was Oklahoma, were we? Bill Busch's name was dropped again. Now he has a spokesman, Rob Carter. What does all this mean to audiences in general? Not a whole lot.

It may take a while for this to all sort out. Right now it looks like Funk is WCW's top babyface. That doesn't sound really good. I know it was just a two-hour show but where was Chris Benoit?

So now we have David Flair and Devon Storm as tag team champions. The whole so-called lethal lottery was a joke. Established teams somehow drawing their own partners to be matched up against partners that don't like each other. I mean Buff Bagwell and Chris Kanyon are supposed to be partners going after the world tag team titles. So what does Buff do before the match? Why he smashed a bottle of champagne over Kanyon's head, of course! What a bunch of bullshit. All WCW has succeeded in doing is making a prestigious title worthless. Like I said last week, the only title that matters is being over. But do the marks understand this? Somehow, I don't think so.

Let's take a look at the action, shall we?

They opened with the tag team tournament. Mike Rotunda and Buzzkill took on the Harris twins. Rotunda went for the cheap heat by trashing the Greenville, South Carolina crowd. The real heat came when Lenny, Lodi and that awesome looking secretary came down to cart off Leia Meow, much to the crowd's anger. That led to Kevin Sullivan and Rotunda took off to attack S & P, leaving Buzzkill to lose by himself. At least I got to see that woman's legs.

We are told that Sid Vicious suffered "compressed" vertebrae when the nWo monster truck ran over his car last week. Why haven't the nWo members been arrested yet?

Nash speculated that either Orson Bean or Tom Zenk would be named commissioner. Now that was funny.

Sid was well enough to lay out Bret Hart as the Hitman entered the arena. Where was security? Then the nWo laid out the Power Plant workers posing as EMTs. Any security around? Come on, who's kidding?

Gene Mean started to question DDP about Buff Bagwell when Curt Hennig interrupted and said the PTB wanted him to take care of PG-13. "That works for me," DDP said, and off he went. DDP went to the ring and was beset by PG-13. But he recovered and planted them both with diamond cutters. There was no referee for this. As DDP left, the old nWo Wolfpac music fired up, then quickly switched to the current nWo theme and finally to DDP's Nirvana music. I don't think this was a screw up. They're trying to keep us guessing. DDP got huge babyface heat.

So why all this? Because PG-13 was to face Kevin Nash and Scott Hall's ghost in the tournament. Like Nash needed help in squashing PG-13. So did DDP do this for the PTB? For the nWo? It's a nice little angle.

After the squash, the nWo raged on the stick. They're mad. And they got big heat.

Flair and Storm faced Midnight and Lash LeRoux. For a team thrown together, Midnight and LeRoux actually functioned well. Stevie Ray was hilarious at the announce table. In the insider remark of the week, Ray blasted Tony Schiavione, saying, "Why do you keep putting over the Steiners?" You don't suppose Ray got involved in the match, do you? Well, he did even to the point of slugging Midnight! That brought Booker T into the fray.

The stupid referee paid more attention to the crap outside the ring and never saw Big Vito plant LeRoux with a jumping DDT. At least that run-in made storyline sense. The Crowbar Brothers advanced. Midnight is impressive. She may well be WCW's Chyna.

LeRoux confronted Disco Inferno (or Glen) backstage and asked him why he's siding with the mafia goons. Disco said he has no choice. Big Vito and Johnny the Bull laid out LeRoux again. Johnny the Bull sure looks roided up. He must have gotten some of the "stuff" as my dad calls it, from Scott Steiner or Lex Luger.

Luger, along with Liz, came out posing as Sting again. Luger asks for a jobber to be sent out to pad his record. Sorry, Lex. You get shoot-fighter Tank Abbott. Liz maces Abbott and Luger bails. Jerry Flynn ran in to get some cheap offense on Abbott, who actually sold the macing well. Luger was confronted by a crow on the way to the back. I think Sting is coming back soon for a nice program with Luger.

At the top of the hour, Carter makes the big announcement as RAW goes on the air. They teased us with the Lear jet, the limo and yada, yada, yada. To combat the nWo, Carter on behalf of Busch gives us the Funker! The crowd did look stunned. Or maybe they have forgotten who Funk is. Funk then named Arn Anderson as his enforcer. It seemed that the Nature Boy is on everyone's mind. "We want Flair!" popped the crowd. It wasn't piped in either. "Do you hear that, Powers That Be?" Arn said. Arn is still one of the best talkers in the business.

That brought out Hart and company. Hart, really shining as a heel, told Funk he could go out the easy way or the hard way.

Funk has a few weapons. He declares that Hart can lose the WCW title by DQ against Sid at Souled Out. And Arn will be the special referee. The nWo is pissed. Funk isn't finished. Jeff Jarrett must face Sid for the U.S. title in a powerbomb match. Then he tells Nash and Steiner that he's going to see that they get screwed. A livid Nash told Funk he was a dead man.

Next up was Bagwell and Kanyon versus Norman Smiley and Asya. Kanyon went for the cheap heel heat. Bagwell went for the cheap face heat. Kanyon gave Bagwell a bottle of champagne, thanking him in a condescending way for their win last Monday. Bagwell said you're welcome by smashing the bottle on Kanyon's head.

The match turned when Smiley smacked Asya with the Greenville Grrrwl's mascot head after Bagwell ducked. After the match, the Revolution hit the ring. Perry Saturn was angry with Asya. Jim Duggan ran in to help Asya. The Revs beat him down. The Filthy Animals ran in to help Duggan. Enough already.

Everybody's looking for David Flair. Funk and Arn do find Daphne, who gives them a sinister laugh. Daphne is then snagged by Jarrett. A cameraman was there. Where was security?

Nash took on the Harris boys in the semifinals. The Varsity Club blasted the Harris boys with chairs, making them easy pickings for Nash. This just keeps getting worse.

Bagwell faced the Crowbar Brothers alone after Bam Bam Bigelow threw Kanyon through a table. ECW! ECW! This was a real mess. Vampiro came down to be Bagwell's partner. Funk and Arn confronted David outside the ring. Bagwell gave someone a blockbuster. Who? Why his partner, of course! Funk slugged Vampiro after the Canadian luchadore confronted Arn. Ladies and gentleman, the train has left the track.

So next we get the powerbomb match. Sid is selling the neck injury. Would you believe that Sid powerbombed Jarrett after the compulsory ref bump? Well, it happened that way. Hart came in and wacked Sid in the back with a baseball bat and the now revived ref called for the DQ. Hart and Jarrett later beat up the Power Plant EMT guys.

Finally, we are near the end. Nash and Hall's ghost are taking on the Crowbars for the coveted WCW World Tag Team championship. Yeah! Steiner had words with a planted fan. He said all of Greenville was white trash. Taking it easy, Scotty. Only some of them are. Where's the ref? Aha! Funk said he was going to screw them. Arn came out in a referee's shirt and hit Nash with a crowbar! The Crowbars win!

In the postmatch melee, Flair blasted his godfather Arn with a crowbar! The nWo wiped out security. Nash just wasted Funk, laying him out with a powerbomb. Arn is drug away and stuffed in a car. Some WCW employees in the back, including vaunted yellow shirt security are watching. Whoops! We weren't supposed to see that, were we?

The car drives off and the show ends. Thank goodness. I hope they improve next week. The direction of this company seems aimless right now. On top of that, I had to watch my beloved 49ers finish 4-12. But hope and help are on the way, especially after the Niners draft LaVar Arrington, the next Lawrence Taylor. Yeah!

Right now, WCW could use a top draft pick. And a whole lot more, too.

Mr. Mean
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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission