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Andy Moseley

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THE PEOPLE'S COLUMN

In memory of Charles Schulz, creator of life's greatest comic strip

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Hey, and welcome to another rousing edition of The People's Column. My name is Andy and I'm here to help.

Before I get to the "wrestling"... could you please tell me why ESPN even bothered nominating Karl Malone and Hakeem Olajuwon (who's name I probably just butchered) for "Basketball Player of the Decade" award? Why not just go ahead and say Michael Jordan is the only nominee and cut the crap. Like there's any chance Jordan WOULDN'T have won it. I have to disagree with Mark McGwire as Baseball Player of the Decade, too. Yeah, he's one of the all-time great home run hitters. His last four or so seasons have been a blast. I think he was good in the early '90s. But he had a few years there he hit .250 or so. Why not give the award to the man, Greg Maddux, instead? He had one bad year - 1999 - which was still a great year compared to most of his competition. I guess that's the Braves fan kicking in. At least a Yankee or a Met didn't win... or get nominated.

OK, Mark Madden really scared me on Nitro. Let me get this straight... he likes the 3 Count song and he wanted to get with Rhonda Singh after Nitro. Sure, he's trying to play the heel broadcaster, but still... Flounder, you are scaring me.

WWF vs WCW:

WWF: The good ship WWF continued its strong sailing. A year ago, I didn't stay up for the 11-1 a.m. Raw. Raw was great then, but it didn't make me want to stay up until 1:00 watching it. I had to watch it all this time. Benoit vs Rock... wow. There wasn't really a bad match on Raw, while on Nitro we had the wonderful match of Tank "The Anvil" Abbott and that guy he fought who's name I have ALREADY forgotten. See how memorable it was? And are we headed for a few more Hardys-Edge/Christian matches now? Woohoo! Esse Rios and Lita are the coolest, but I want to see Gillberg stick around for at least Jakked/Metal. I'm ready for a match between Esse Rios and either member of Kai En Tai. Who would have that that Fatu of the Headshrinkers would be one of the most over men in wrestling? The only thing I could do without on Raw was... well, just guess. I'll give you a clue... it involved edible panties on a really old pregnant woman. Hey, Raw's in the Georgia Dome next week! Woohoo!

WCW: When I saw the fancy little New York opening of Nitro, I thought... "hey Andy, this looks like a better show than usual already." Then it went down the toilet. Yeah, it was better than past weeks, but still. I was looking forward to seeing any of the following:

  • Chris Candido & Tammy Sytch
  • Sting returning
  • Greenburg returning
  • James Brown

    WCW didn't even come up with JAMES BROWN! Come on! I'm a fan of Ernest Miller, and I really don't think he needs to feud with the Maestro unless it gets Ernest time on the microphone and Symphony on the TV more often. NO JAMES BROWN??? And I would have thought that movie star Sting or Greenburg would show their face. Or at least Candido & Sytch. Instead, it's the big show before the pay-per-view and one of the guys in the main event ISN'T EVEN THERE! I really want to say nice stuff about WCW, but they continue shooting themselves in the feet. I know a lot of guys are injured, but that isn't keeping Eddy Guerrero (or Guerrera) off TV. Terry Funk needs to retire ASAP. He's old, he's going to permanently injure himself, and the branding iron thing is just stupid. I respect him as a hardcore legend, but he is tainting his legend so much. Flair vs Hogan... eh. It was good for what it was, but I think I've seen this about ten times in the last year. I think Jeff Jarrett is great, but I've even started turning from his interviews because of "slapnuts." That is THE most overused catchphrase in wrestling. They stick that anywhere... "Slappy New Year"... "Slapnut Country"... at least The Rock switches his around every once in a while. The Nitro Girls are back.... woohoo! Yes, Chae is still there... CRZ must have missed her somewhere. She's on their website at least. I have to agree with the whole "the less said, the better" when it comes to the wedding reception. Who has a wedding reception at a wrestling show anyway? OK, one last complaint about WCW, this time about WCW.com... their Nitro reports are SO DULL. Here's an example from my own brain.

    Backstage, Idol and Lane talk with Norman Smiley.

    Backstage, "Mean" Gene waits in front of Hulk Hogan's door.

    Backstage, Madusa gets kinky and lets Oklahoma pour his BBQ sauce all over her chest.

    Backstage, the Maestro plays his piano.

    Backstage, Tank Abbott prepares to go out and punch somebody.

    I mean, come on! Every time they describe something backstage, they start it with "Backstage." Can we at least get out a thesaurus or something? Backstage, backstage, backstage... ugh.

    RANKING THE WOMEN OF WRESTLING

    Yep, somebody is going to call me sexist. Hey, I'm nineteen... give me a little credit here! Maybe of one the [slash] female columnists can rank the men of wrestling or something. This is strictly on personal opinion. Guys (and girls if that's your thing), feel free to e-mail me your personal picks. I went with the obvious first pick and probably the obvious last couple of picks. I also have a thing for redheads, so you might notice a few near the top. In order from first to worst...

    1. Chae - Is that so obvious or what? The Asian beauty is the hottest thing around... and she's actually on TV again! Chae needs to watch out though, because one of her coworkers is quickly stealing my heart...

    2. Ms. Skye Hancock - I really like Skye. She looks good with her hair up and those glasses, she looks good as a Nitro Girl... she just looks good. REAL GOOD.

    3. Gorgeous George - Macho Man has good taste. And seeing how T&A obviously brings in the ratings, you would think WCW would do all they could to make Macho happy so he and George could be back on TV. But noooooo... we get Paul Orndorff instead.

    4. Lita - WOW. I wish I was Crash Holly suddenly.

    5. Tammy Sytch - I've always had a thing for Sunny. Too bad she's had so many problems, maybe she can turn herself around and be the hottest woman in wrestling again in WCW.

    6. Stephanie McMahon - Stephanie is very underrated. She looked good as the innocent daddy's girl, and she's definitely workin' it as Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley (but shouldn't it be McMahon-Hearst-Helmsley?). If only she wouldn't join The King and JR/Michael Cole at the broadcast table.

    7. Terri Runnels - Even if she might be fairly old (well, as far as wrestling babes go... then again...), she is still HOT. Terri has that body and doesn't seem to mind showing it off. Then again, Sable didn't seem to mind showing it off either.

    8. Torrie Wilson - Torrie is hot. Just think... David Flair went from Torrie to Daffney.

    9. Francine - This babe is hardcore and not too shabby looking, either. And unlike X-Pac, I don't mind her Bronco Buster.

    10. Ivory - I think it was Hyatte that said Ivory looks like she could be Carmen Electra's daughter. Hyatte... whatever happened to him? One week and then he disappears. Oh well, he'll be back. Back to Ivory... I agree with Hyatte totally. You gotta love her whole little "I don't want to be in T&A contests" attitude, too. You also have got to love (OK, you don't HAVE TO) that green bikini she had at the Rumble.

    11. Kimberly - She has gotten so much better looking than she was in her early Diamond Doll days. Maybe it was getting thrown out of the car by Scott Steiner that helped. Maybe it was footage of her in lingerie in a hotel room.

    12. Miss Kitty - The King has good taste. He also apparently has quite an exhibitionist on his hands. Besides Fully Loaded (which pretty much is correct), she's shown off her things more. Check out her website, which is part of Jerry Lawler's website at http://www.kinglawler.com (which ALSO houses Grandmaster Sexay's website... all in the family), and you can see pictures of her topless (covered up with her hands, but hey...) and what looks like it could even be bottomless in SNOW.

    13. Spice - CRZ has good taste too, but according to NitroGirls.com, she's married. Oh well.

    14. Leia Meow - Any woman who has the guts to call herself Kimona Wanalaya is OK in my book. She's not that bad at acting like she's on "The Man Show", either.

    15. Chyna - The first few times I saw Chyna, she scared the crap out of me. Here's this huge, muscle-bound woman who is as big as the guy she's with, HHH. She's gotten a little more feminine over the years and she has really grown on me. She could whoop me, too.

    16. Dawn Marie - ECW picked the right person to play the dumb blonde... except she's not even blonde.

    17. Lilian Garcia - OK, so she thinks Eddy's last name is Guerrera and the Acolytes are the Accolades, but she is still pretty darn hot. She can sing, too. Hey, admit it... she's more fun to look at than Tony Chimel.

    18. Paisley - At least there's something good about The Artist Formerly Known as Bare-Footed TV Champion Prince Iaukea.

    19. Daffney - The goth look doesn't bother me, it works wonders for her. The screeching has to go, through.

    20. Tygress - Tygress' whole look has also grown on me. Her face kinda has... well, that tiger look. Or tyger.

    21. Symphony - She was so much better as Ryan Shamrock, but then again, she didn't wear lown dresses as Ryan Shamrock. I miss the days of her having the straight hair and the skimpy little outfits. And she's with the Maestro... that hurts.

    22. First Lady & EMT Barbara Bush - George likes big boobs. Barbara has them. She also has that blonde "my brain is on vacation" look. Not saying that blondes don't have brains, but some don't.

    23. Frye - She had red hair, she looked good, and now she's gone. Go figure.

    24. Elizabeth - Go figure (again)... she's older than a few of the other women on the list combined but she still has good looks. Just don't let her mud wrestle.

    25. A.C. Jazz - Ah yes, Georgia's former Nitro Girl. She looks better in person than on TV.

    26. Jacqueline - Jacqueline has big boobs.

    27. Tori - Tori's not bad, but she's as big as X-Pac. I guess that's not saying all that much.

    28. Debra - Mongo's sloppy seconds... perish THAT thought! Thanks a lot Debra for bringing on the whole "puppies" craze. You know, I don't think the King has said "puppies" for a week or two straight. She has that receding hairline, too.

    29. Mona - Mona has the natural look. Is it just me, or does it look like she could lose her hair anytime?

    30. Rena Mero - Oh yeah, Miss I'm Bigger Than The WWF. Where art thou now? Remember... she doesn't want children to see stuff like her breasts... so she parades around on pay-per-view with handprints on them. And let's not forget that bikini that was under the potato sack that time on Raw.

    31. Whysper - Whysper was really tall compared to the rest of the Girls. And she's had HBK's baby (didn't she have it already?), so she's out anyway.

    32. Madusa - Forget Barbara Bush's big boobs... they're nothing. Madusa has ENORMOUS boobs. And she's really old and worn-out looking.

    33. Sensational Queen Sister Sherri Martel - The thing that always turned me off about Sherri was how she wore so much makeup. Is there a face under there?

    34. Luna - Luna has a hot little body, but that hair and her facial expressions scare me. Plus she might bite my neck and suck my blood or something.

    35. Midnight - She scares me. Kinda like Chyna at first... but I read she's gone from WCW, so I guess she doesn't matter anymore. Now watch her end up in the WWF as a big star.

    36. Bull Nakano - That hair is SUCH A TURN ON.

    37. Rhonda Singh - Um... Harvey Wippleman's sloppy seconds. I remember that music video the WWF had of Harvey singing to Bertha Faye in their trailer... now that was funny.

    38. Nicole Bass - Forget anyone else I said that scares me... Nicole Bass scares me.

    39. Fabulous Moolah - There's only one reason Moolah is ranked ahead of Mae Young. Guess what it is.

    40. Mae Young - OK, fake or not, I'm still forever scarred from Royal Rumble. I wonder if Mark Henry would really take Mae or Sammy.

    There's also a few new Nitro Girls, but I haven't seen much of them so I will reserve judgement there.



    That's all I really have for you this week. If you haven't already, check out this week's History column. See you next week!

    Andy Moseley
    Chae and Skye's #1 guy
    [slash] wrestling

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