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Andy Moseley

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RECAP: THE 1996 WWF SLAMMY AWARDS

Hey, how's it going? My name is Andy and I'm your party host for this special presentation of [slash]. Seeing how two columns surely aren't enough for my most fanatical Andyholics, I decided to do a special column. This week, I'm recapping the 1996 Slammy Awards. I was going to recap an old Royal Rumble, but I don't have a stopwatch around, so that idea went down the crapper. Instead, you get the Slammys! I've always loved the Slammys. Anyway, here goes... straight off my very own video tape as recorded on the USA Network on some day in March 1996.

The WWF... for over 50 years, the revolutionary force in sports entertainment.

The WWF and USA proudly welcome us to the 1996 Slammys... and here's our hosts, Vincent K. McMahon and Jerry "The King" Lawler. This will be an awards show like we've NEVER seen before in our lives! Hey, the waiter just dropped the tray! Why's he walking in front of the camera in the first place?

Here's our host, Odd Pettingill. Odd sings us his little Slammy song, which mentions Shawn Michaels, Goldust and Marlena (nice gold shirt, buddy), The Undertaker (who is not at his table right now), The Ultimate Warrior (sung to the tune of "Mickey" by Tony Basil... right - Warrior is not at his table either), Sunny (with Skip and Zip), Diesel (sitting with Hunter Hearst-Helmsley), Yokozuna (with Fatu, who he taught how to dance), Bret Hart, Ahmed Johnson, Jake Roberts, Barry Horowitz, HHH, Savio Vega, Mr. Bob Backlund, Duke Droese, Jerry Lawler, Camp Cornette, and he ends it with a good ol' "Screw you Ted Turner!"

Odd welcomes us to the Slammys, and says that so and so weren't available to host so here he is. And hey... the awards have been protected by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.

Anywho, here to present our first award, Henry & Phineas Godwinn and Hillbilly Jim! The hog farmers make their fashion statement with a tux jacket over their overalls. Hillbilly says our first award is for "Best Buns."

And now, the nominees for "Best Buns"... Goldust (um... no), Sunny (um... YES!), Yokozuna, Shawn Michaels, and Razor Ramon.

Phineas is here to announce our winner... but the poor guy can't read it. That's why Mankind wrote the book and not Mideonkind. Anyway, Henry O. whispers the winner in his ear and the winner is... Sunny! Woohoo! "I don't really need to take anyone, because God knows I deserve this." Then she thanks the gyms across America and tells the crowd she bets they would like a peek at why she won. She pulls up her dress... "I don't think so."

Odd presents our next presenters, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (back when his music was cool!). Steve is the Million Dollar Champion at this point in time but left the belt at home. Ted flaunts his moolah (no, not THAT Moolah) and Steve sends us to the nominees.

And now, the nominees for "Best Slammin' Jammin' Entrance"... Diesel, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels (he just jumped off the In Your House house! OK, he swung, but still...), The Undertaker, and Goldust.

And the winner is... Ted can't read it, Goldust stands, and SCSA announces "The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels." HBK blows Goldust a kiss and dances his way up to the stage. Blah blah blah... he thanks the Kliq and says if you want to see a slammin' jammin' entrance, the past is nothing compared to tomorrow night (WrestleMania XII, where he swung on down).

Vinny Mac says to call 1-900-737-SLAM and vote for the interactive category, "Which WWF Champion, Past or Present, In Attendance Tonight Is Hall of Fame Bound?" Your nominees are Mr. Backlund, Undertaker, Yokozuna, Diesel, and Bret Hart. Sorry west coast, you can't call.

Still to come... the Most Embarrassing Moment and the Best Finishing Move!

The Slammys are brought to you by Tyco R/C Maximum Heat!

Odd welcomes us back and presents our next presenters, Tyco R/C Maximum Heat's Scott Raskin and Mr. Bob Backlund. Scott stands in front of the podium and Bob moves 'em. "You've got a lot of nerve! Relax ladies and gentlemen, I'm not here to exaservate you this evening. I'm not even gonna flumish you." (King: "I look so bad after I'm flumished.")

And now, the nominees for "The Put a Fork in Him, He's Done Award" for the best finishing move... Bret Hart's Sharpshooter (what about Owen?), The Undertaker's Tombstone (what about Kane?), Diesel's Jackknife, Ahmed Johnson's Pearl River Plunge, and Yokozuna's Banzai Drop (what about Rikishi Phatu?).

Odd decides to try to pick up the envelope, which just happens to be on a Tyco R/C car. Scott gets it for him, and the winner is Bret Hart! King warns us this speech could cause us to "yawn ourselves to death." Sure enough... BORING. Hey, there's Helen! Hey, there's Stu! King: "Hey, does your undertaker know you got up?" Hey, there's Diana (watch out, he might run over you)! Get done already, geez. King: "At least his tuxedo matches his face... they're both ugly."

Odd tells us the "Best Music Video" award is later, and here's one of the nominees, "Tell Me a Lie." And we thought Shawn would never wrestle again... WHAT WERE WE THINKING? Look, he's in Rocker pink! Hey, Jenny McCarthy! Alright! Look, the old videoscreen from "Superstars"! Ah, memories... Hey, Dean Douglas! Just a side note I learned... Lilian Garcia is a pop singer! Check out her website at www.liliangarcia.com.

Jim Cornette and Clarence Mason (minus Kanyon) are here to introduce our next nominees. Jim's wearing a red shirt, pink bow tie, white coat, and black pants.

And now, the nominees for "Crime of the Century"... The 1-2-3 Kid's fast count on Razor Ramon (against Sid), Sycho Sid's attack on Shawn Michaels, Vader's assualt on WWF President Gorilla Monsoon (RIP), Diesel jackknifing Bret Hart at the Survivor Series, and Owen Hart (RIP) taking credit for Shawn Michaels' collapse.

And the winner is... The Man They Call Vader! Who's "they"? Cornette yells really load into the microphone for a while, asks what time is it?, and Vader tells us. It's "Vader Time" in case you didn't know.

Still to come... manager of the year and mouth of the year!

Shawn Michaels... Bret Hart... the Iron Man Match... WrestleMania XII... tomorrow night on pay-per-view!

Odd tells us that the "New Sensation of the Squared Circle" is next... but USA has their own new sensation. Here's a look at it... "Pacific Blue." Look at 'em go on those bikes! And here from "Pac Blue" to present this away, we have Jim Davidson, a blonde, and a brunette, who's names I can't interpret. Jim says the ladies want to "wrassle" (hey, that's WCW) and he'll manage them against any due. The Bodydonnas consider but sunny tells them no thanks. I'll wrestle with Sunny. Saturday nights, 8 p.m.... Pacific Blue.

And now, the nominees for "New Sensation of the Squared Circle"... Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. (pre-fire), Ahmed Johnson, The Bodydonnas (my pick), Savio Vega (but... HE WAS KWANG! RIPOFF!), and Goldust (but he wrestled at a Rumble with his daddy as Dustin! RIPOFF!).

And the winner is... Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed says some stuff in Ahmed-speak, calls WCW "Wheel Chair Wrestling", and so on. He also warned us to not get arrested for selling (or I guess it's renting out) prostitutes.

Odd has two words for us... Billionaire Ted. And there he is, trying to sign up former Red (no, not Pete Rose) George Foster. "Yeah yeah, it's great to be here, yeah. I'll own you someday too, yeah. First of all, I want to... a lot of people have been a-a-asking questions today, asking 'Where's the Huckster and Nacho?' Huckster couldn't be here today because he's a little tied up or handcuffed, but he's still recovering from that problem with a high heeled shoe. Nacho, he uh, missed his flight, because he uh, was delayed in Hair Club for Men, so he couldn't be here. How about a hand for uh Tim... Tom... uh-uh-uh... Ted! Doing a great job tonight. And I also want to thank Vince McMahon, he's a real sport for having me here I think. You know, uh uh, in fact, I'm so impressed with this whole event tonight, I-I may just cut a check for the entire event! I-I know the WWF's not for sale... can't blame a billionaire for trying!"

And now, the nominees for the "I'm Talking and I Can't Shut Up Award"... Dok Hendrix, Brother Love (I looooooooooove yoooooouuuu), Jerry "The King" Lawler (hey, he's doing the commentary on his own match!), Jim Cornette (look at McMahon in his Halloween costume - a jail costume!), and Jim Ross (hey, remember when he did "The Ross Report" on "The Action Zone?"

Ted announces our winner the King, without looking at the envelope. "You tell it like it is, and this is what you get. Here's a guy, Ahmed Johnson, who is so dumb that he thinks Thomas Jefferson is that little black guy married to Wheezy. And you get Bob 'Spark Plugg' Holly, who came in last place in his last race because he pulled into the pit stop asking for directions. And when you get Helen Hart, who gets her tongue stuck in the toaster trying to make french toast..." and he talks on as we fade to...

Still to come... the blue light special and what shocked us the most!

Odd presents our next presenters, Mr. TV Trivia (in silver suit) and Patelle, some model who I haven't heard from since.

And now, the nominees for "The Best Threads Award"... Ted DiBiase, Goldust, Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, Shawn Michaels, and Mr. Perfect.

Patelle ready to announce the winner... but she can't get the envelope open. Is she blonde? And the winner is... Shawn Michaels! Shawn brings up Julie Youngblood, who apparently designs his costumes. Seeing how he's such a great guy, Shawn gives the award to Julie and off they go. Aww, there's a kiss.

Mr. TV Trivia and Patelle are sticking around to present our next award...

And now, the nominees for "The Blue Light Special" (which Mr. TV Trivia deserves)... Jim Cornette, Harvey Wippleman (Moolah's man), Henry Godwinn (what about Phineas?), Brother Love (I loooooooove yoooouuuu), and Dok Hendrix.

And the winner is... Jim Cornette! SURPRISE! Dok claps like crazy for Jimmy. "I'm a paragon of satorical polturtude (OK, I don't know that word), I am a trend setter, and I will continue to be regardless of your jealousy! Thank you very little, and you're welcome even less!"

Still to come... the US West Match of the Year and the WWF's Greatest Hit!

Call now and vote for our interactive category! Vote Mr. Backlund in 2000! 1-900-737-SLAM (except the west coast)!

Odd says Bob Dole couldn't be here because he can't balance a Slammy on his pencil (I don't get it). Here's our next presenters, Goldust and Marlena. Anyone remember when these two went on Conan O'Brien? Goldust crawls up the stairs. Here's a bunch of movie quotes... Goldust seems to want to eat the microphone he's so close to it.

And now, the nominees for "The WWF's Greatest Hit"... JJ kabongs Ahmed Johnson from the top rope, Diesel throws Bret through a table, Yokozuna's double banzai drop (two guys at once), HHH throws a jobber into Duke Droese's trashcan, and the Undertaker "sucking Diesel into the abyss" (see also: pulls him under the ring and lets a lot of smoke out of the hole).

And the winner is... Goldust tosses the award down and walks away. Odd says he'll be happy to do the honors. And the winner is... The Undertaker! Hey, there go the lights. And there he is, complete with purple gloves and tie and Paul Bearer and the original urn. 'Taker says that was only a small sample of Diesel's fate (yeah, he'll be getting lipstick put on him soon) and he thanks the creatures of the night (yep... every single cricket). Paul has a few words too... "OOOOOHHHHH YEEEESSS!" King: "Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?"

Odd ships us off to another nominee for "Best Music Video", this time being Bret Hart's "You Start the Fire." Hey, there he is on "Lonesome Dove"! Where's the shots of him on "The Simpsons"? He needs to start giving away his glasses again.

Here's Odd with the next presenter, the president of USA Network, Rob Perch or something to that effect. Rob blabbers, says USA is proud to be the home of the WWF, and reminds us about Monday at 9 p.m. (hey, that's the same time now)!

And now, the nominees for "Mind Behind the Mayhem" (hey, there's Nacho Man!)... Paul Bearer (look, it's the flashlight urn!), Jim Cornette, Ted DiBiase, Sunny (woohoo!), and Mr. Fuji (he was cool).

And the winner is... Sunny! Sunny and the Bodydonnas come on up on the stage as Jim Cornette throws towels their way. Sunny reminds us of her small stint as Odd's replacement host on "WWF Mania", which she renamed "The Sunny Show." She tries to sell the idea to USA... sounds like a good ratings draw to me! Heck, I would watch it. There's the prerequisite camera shot of her boobs.

Still to come... the leader of the new generation and the lifetime achievement award!

Odd presents Mr. Vince McMahon! Vince is here to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to "Classy" Freddie Blassie. Look, it's Linda and a young Stephanie! Here's a video look at Blassie's career, starting with a little spot on "I Love Lucy" (hey, it's Ricky Ricardo!). Here's some news clippings from his early career... he received 50 cents for his first match. There's the Iron Sheik! Here's Blassie singing "I'll blast you with my cane, you pencil necked geek!" Must be from "The Wrestling Album." Hey, there he is on "Regis and Kathie Lee!" Hey, there he is as head coach at the "Raw Bowl!"

Vince, watery-eyed, presents the award to Blassie, who is helped up to the stage by a few women. Hey, there's George Steele! There's a standing ovation. Freddie thanks everyone and thanks the WWF for giving him the opportunity to do all of the charity work he does. There's Pat Patterson! Freddie says he couldn't do it without Vince and says he loves us all.

Still to come... the master of mat mechanics and the most embarrassing moment!

"I'm coming home!" The debut of Mankind... WWF Monday Night Raw on USA, this Monday at 9/8 central!

The Bushwhackers are up on the stage to present our next Slammy. HONGI HONGI HONGI! "Yeah! Whoooa!" They're easy to transcribe. "Good evening, mateys. It's such an honor to be amongst such lovely people as you. And cousin Luke..." "What's that, cousin Butch?" "I have never seen you looking so divine!" "If I can say so, cousin Butch, you look absolutely marvelous." "Thank you mate. And, cousin Luke..." "What's that, cousin Butch?" "I have saved you a special present. I know you'll like this, cousin Luke. It's... DESSERT!" Butch shoves cake in Luke's face. "For a moment, cousin Butch, I thought you were going to embarrass me!"

And now, the nominees for "Most Embarrassing Moment"... Henry Godwinn slopping Ted DiBiase, the 1-2-3 Kid donning a diaper (with refreshing Hansen's in his bottle), the King kissing his own foot, Skip losing to the previously winless Barry Horowitz, and Hunter Hearst-Helmsley getting dumped in the hogpen.

And the winner is... Jerry Lawler! The King threatens and says he's going to embarrass everyone as he heads to the podium. Whoops... he just tripped on the step. Odd pats him on the back (with a Burger King sign). The King says that's not funny, and says that... his microphone just went out. Odd tests it... it's fine. King tries again... nope. It works for Odd. A third try... nope. King takes his Slammy, drops it, and heads back to Vince with a pretty loud "Burger King" chant.

Odd has our third music video... "Sunny!" Woohoo! Look at that body! I think I'll watch that again.

I think I'll watch that again.

And again.

One more time.

Once more.

OK, let's continue. Hold on... just one more time.

OK, I'm ready to continue now. Yes, I admit it... I have a thing for Tammy Sytch. Especially when she was in the WWF. Still to come... best music video and the biggest shocker!

It's the Playboy Buddy Rose Diet Plan! With Blow Away, shake on the powder, sit in front of a fan, and blow the weight away! Have that extra piece of cake! A tighter tummy! Thinner thighs! A firmer fanny! This is Playboy Buddy Rose before... and after, at 317 pounds. Not available in stores, only with this TV offer:

Blow Away! P.O. Box 12 Fat Farm, NJ

Misa and Vastercard accepted! Or call 1-800-LARDASS!

The Slammy Awards are brought to you by Tyco R/C Maximum Heat!

Up at the podium, it's Hunter Hearst-Helmsley and his lady of the evening, Sissy Sue Glad. "I have a bigger ballroom than this at my mansion. And everyone knows that Hunter Hearst-Helmsley has the biggest balls in his ballroom." The next day... HHH is sacrificed to the Warrior, who disappears within months.

And now, the nominees for "Squared Circle Shocker"... Mr. Bob Backlund declares his candidacy, Barry Horowitz gets his first WWF victory ("Horowitz wins! Horowitz wins! Horowitz wins!"), Goldust's premiere, the 1-2-3 Kid sells out on Razor Ramon, and Shawn Michaels collapses live on Monday Night Raw.

And the winner is... "Shawn Michaels collapsing on Raw. But wait a minute, sit down Shawn. The real winner, my friend and yours, the man that made it all possible... Owen Hart!"

Owen goes up to accept his award and gives the best speech ever. "Woooo! Alright! Yes! You know what, I take great pride in receiving this award for just about ending Shawn Michaels' career, and Shawn you know deep down inside I could have done it anytime I wanted to. Second of all, I want to thank nobody but myself. I did this all by myself. Not any of these people helped me. Not you dad, not you mom, and certainly not you, my lousy brother Bret. I did it by myself! I just want to continue the legacy to show you that I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be! Wooooo!"

Odd has our next presenter all ready... Mr. Perfect! And there he is. The King finds the sign on his back. Mr. P says that if he hears 'When are you coming back to the ring again?', he's kicking butt.

And now, the nominees for "The Master of Mat Mechanics"... Shawn Michaels (there's Tatanka!), the British Bulldog, Bret Hart, Owen Hart (Aldo Montoya!), and the 1-2-3 Kid.

And the winner is... Shawn Michaels... with Jose Lothario! Super Sock! Shawn starts out with "Mr. Perfect, where have you been and when are you coming back?" Then, "I would like to give this award to somebody that had me on the mat more times than I can possibly remember... not you Sunny, sit down." He gives the award to Super Sock (the coolest nickname EVER). Jose says something that I can't quite understand. Did he play Splinter in the Ninja Turtle movies? "I made a funny." That's from the Turtle movie, not the Slammys.

It's the last chance to call 1-900-737-SLAM (after getting your parents permission or being 18) unless you are on the west coast!

Still to come... the best music video is next!

Odd and Dok Hendrix are up on stage, and it turns out Dok is presenting this award.

And now, the nominees for "Best Music Video" (Bulldog: "We're the ones who invented rock 'n roll!")... Bret Hart's "You Start the Fire", the Ultimate Warrior, Shawn Michaels' "Tell Me a Lie", Sunny's "Sunny" (my pick), and Jeff Jarrett's "With My Baby Tonight" (hey, I liked that video).

And the winner is... Bret Hart? Yeah, like the fans would vote for THAT over Sunny in a bikini. Or even over Shawn Michaels. RIGGED! RIGGED! RIGGED! Anyway, Bret brings up his little boy Blade. Bret says he likes the video and didn't do anything behind the scenes with Sunny. AND HE WAS SCREWED BY VINCE! SCREWED! He pretty much blabbers on about everything BUT the music video. There's Stu! There's Helen! There's Dallas Hart! There's the end of the speech... at last! Geez, Bret goes on FOREVER! King: "Hitman, next time you're out shopping, buy your kid a personality!"

Still to come... the greatest match!

And now, the nominees for "the US West Match of the Year"... LT vs Bam Bam Bigelow (WrestleMania XI), the hogpen match between Hunter Hearst-Helmsley and Henry Godwinn (In Your House), Bret Hart wins the title from Diesel at Survivor Series, the tuxedo match between Harvey Wippleman and Howard Finkel (Raw - gets my vote!), and Shawn Michaels' victory in the ladder match at Summerslam (against Razor Ramon).

Odd presents good ol' JR to give out the award, pre-hat days. And the winner is... the ladder match from SummerSlam! Here to accept the award, the winner HBK (Razor isn't here because he was in hot water and on his way out at the time). Blah blah blah... get off the stage.

Raw: \'ro\ adj: Very Irritated - Man Mountain Rock wants to know what YOUR definition of Raw is! Hey, there's William Shatner beating up the Roadie! Raw... Mondays at 9/8 central on USA!

Odd has our next presenter, Gorilla Monsoon (rest in peace), on stage. Gorilla returns to presidency at WrestleMania, replacing Piper. The winner of the interactive award is... Bret Hart! Geez, more of a speech from him? Groan. Fast forward, please. Hey, check out Billy and Bart Gunn in their white cowboy hats!

Odd has our final presenter, the star of the upcoming motion picture "Sci Fighters".... Rowdy Roddy Piper! Theres some guys in skirts (I KNOW, I KNOW... kilts) and bagpipes... where's Fat Bastard? "I'M DEAD SEXY!" There's Roddy and his son Colt.

And now, the nominees for "The Leader of the New Generation"... geez, if Piper would quit blabbering we could actually get to the nominees... heh, they cut him off and starting showing the nominees... and they are (hey, there's the Huckster!)... Big Daddy Cool Diesel (he only slaps black gloves), Bret "The Hitman" Hart, "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, "The Bad Guy" Razor Ramon, and The Undertaker (what, he doesn't get a nickname?).

And the winner is... Shawn Michaels! Unfortunately, the show is already into overrun so we've got to go! Copyright 1996, goodnight everybody!

And thanks for reading. I'll be back with the weekly dose of the People's Column and This Week in Wrestling History on Wednesday. Feel free to e-mail me!

Andy
Chae's #1 guy
[slahs] columnist, extrodinaire


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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission