What the hell is going on in the world of wrestling? I'm more frustrated than Scott Hall at a gay juice bar. We've got one promotion that has booked a Gillooly for their most important main event of the year, and another promotion that can't figure out which end is up and which wrestler is over. It just sickens me. I normally find the time to watch at least four hours of wrestling each week (a combination of both WWF and WCW shows). It usually ends up being more. But I couldn't take it this week. All I watched were the first few minutes of Nitro and Raw, the last few minutes of Raw (to see Vinnie Mac's return), and the rest of the time was spent watching Food Network and ZDTV (amaze yourself). Thursday I spent playing "Age Of Empires II: Age Of Kings", an awesome game that I hope to someday kick ass at. If only those villagers would stop bugging me about the farms going dry.

My new job is great, thanks for asking.

Let's start with WCW. Who's over right now in WCW? Well, there's... no, not him. Hmmm... what about...? No, he's struggling a bit as well. Okay, there's always gonna be... actually, that guy's not even over right now, either. Wait, I got it!

Ms. Hancock.

Ms. Hancock is the only over personality in WCW. She's the only one whose push has been successful enough to get her over and keep her over. Not that I have a problem with Ms. Hancock being over, mind you! If I had my way, those gorgeous greased legs would be on my television set 24 hours a day. Actually, if I really had my way, she and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Moore would both be naked in my bed, with the sole purpose of fulfilling my every desire. But that's a story for another website. In the meantime, WCW needs more over people, and there's just one way to do it.

It's something that WCW (and WWF, for that matter) have had plenty of success with in the past, but for some reason America Online forgot to include it in the release of WCW 5.0. They need to take a select few people, and push them to the moon. Trust me, this is different than what they're doing now. Right now, everybody's getting an even push, which in theory is great for company morale, but nobody's going to be happy when the end result is crappy ratings. WCW is losing sight of its marketable personalities. The only thing that distinguishes the main event feuds from the mid card feuds is the fact that the main event feuds involve main eventers. That's it. There's no "larger than life" aspect to them. WCW needs to start narrowing its focus to 3 or 4 people, and push those people to the moon.

WCW needs Eric Bischoff back.

There, I said it. I know what you're thinking: "Gene! What are you, a moron?" No, but thanks for asking. Granted, we may have hated some of his decisions as far as who to push, but at least he made a decision and followed through on it. And most of the time, it worked. As long he agrees not to push Hogan, the Steiners, or the NWO, I want him back. In fact, here's a list of who should get the lunar push:

Jeff Jarrett (minus the NWO, "the Chosen One", and "slapnuts"; he's so good without them)
Goldberg (duh)
Curt Hennig (as a heel, please!)
Vampiro (for the U.S. title)
Tank Abbott (for the U.S. title)
Bam Bam Bigelow (for the TV title)
Lane & Rave (but give them a new gimmick; I actually liked Standards & Practices)
Ms. Hancock (reunited with Lane & Rave)
Chris Candido (I dig the "bully cruiserweight" idea)

Notice it's a short list. There are a lot of people who are deserving of a push but are not on this list. They'll get their pushes, but on a limited basis, and through matches rather than interviews and backstage vignettes. If somebody appears to be a breakout star, then increase their push, but only one person at a time! I, in all my infinite wisdom, will allow Bischoff back if he abides by these rules.

Oh yeah, and fire Mark Madden. He really has nothing to do with the ratings, but it's a good idea anyway. Speaking of Madden, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony when I read that he was confronted by Sid over some comments that were made. It just shows what happens when you push the work/shoot line too often: people take you seriously when they shouldn't. If there had been some scissors lying around, we probably would've seen Madden's obituary on the [slash]. Luckily, they were at a car wash, and there were no injuries.

On to the WWF. I really only have one complaint about them right now ("You Internet mark!" "Shut your pie hole, Madden!"). Wrestlemania is on the horizon. The most important wrestling event of the year. Featuring a triple threat main event. They may as well break their own kneecap right now, because they're just asking for a match that's handicapped in more ways than one. Triple H is the #1 heel. The Rock is the #1 face. The Big Show is, for all intents and purposes, the #2 heel. I don't see a great match, I see a potentially great match with a big ol' third wheel hanging from it. Is anybody going to "oooh" or "aaah" when they see the heels administer a beatdown on the Rock? Or when they see the heels fighting each other? Is the Big Show supposed to come away from the match as a face or a heel? The only kind of response that you'll see from the audience will be when Rocky is on the offensive, which means the match will need to be at least a half hour long to get the same amount of reaction that a 12 minute 1-on-1 match would deliver. It's just begging to end up a 2-star match. McMahon has dropped the ball in a big way, and he'd better pick it back up before WM16.

Like Sid Vicious said to the caterer backstage when she offered him a banana: "Did you just call me a monkey?"