Gimmicks. Everyone has them. Wrestlers have them. Promoters have them. Columnists have them. It's been that way for a long time, but they've become more important now more than ever. In this era of sports-entertainment, a gimmick gets a person over more than the quality of his/her product, whatever that may be. It's sad, but true. And it doesn't just apply to the wrestling companies. Even our beloved [slash] has fallen victim to this plague. Just look at who the most popular columnists are. They're the ones with the gimmicks. It's no longer a wrestling web site. It's... gasp... journalism-entertainment. And I realize that if I'm ever going to get over on this site, I'm going to have to come up with a gimmick. But I don't know what I should use. Therefore, as part of a "soul searching/find myself" voyage of discovery, I'm going to rip off the gimmicks of every [slash] columnist that I can think of. I'll probably upset a lot of people by including them in this. Heck, I'll probably upset a lot of people by NOT including them in it. Guess I gotta take the good with the bad.

So, while everybody's salivating over the possibility of getting to see my pleasantly plump man-boobs (with inverted nipples!), I bring to you THE CONTRAPTION!

EXTRANEOUS HORSECRAP

MOORE ON MUSIC: Speaking of nipples, check out the liner notes to Faith Hill's album Breathe. I swear that one of the pictures has an airbrushed nipple in it. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. Ifthe coloring was slightly different, it would be a nipple!

MOORE ON BASKETBALL: The Lakers may be 15-4, the Kings may be 11-4, but my team, the Portland Trailblazers, are right in there with them, and with the incredible trades that they made this season, they are going all the way, baby! HA! Which reminds me...

The Los Angeles Lakers can bite my ass.

MOORE ON TV: CRZ wonders why Battledome is still on the air. The reason is because I watch it. I may be the only one in the country, but I watch it and I enjoy it. Chalk it up to guilty pleasure.

MOORE ON FOOTBALL: I won tickets to the Kansas City-Minnesota game this Sunday night, so of course I'll be looking forward to that. KC has won the last two games, and the Vikings just got spanked by Tampa Bay, which means that tailgating in the parking lot will be especially fun. Say it with me now: C H E F S, CHEFS CHEFS CHEFS CHEFS!!!

Question of the Week: What product's commercial did I just make a reference to? First person to answer is officially dubbed the Obsessed Fan of the Millennium!

Enough of this already. It's time to get on to the real content...

YESTERDAY IN WRESTLING HISTORY

12.07.97 - Somebody turned 17 (I was 21 and drunk by then), and Taka became the first of THREE Light Heavyweight champions. THREE!!! That's the most pitiful title history I've ever seen! Even the T & A (I mean Women's) belt has a more illustrious history! Come on, WWF! Bring back Gillberg so we can see some title defenses! It's all about gimmicks, right? He actually had a great gimmick, and you still shot him down! What's wrong with you people?

The WWF can bite my ass.

Oops, I'm not supposed to say that. I'm a WWF mark.

I suppose now is the time that I should answer the e-mail that I've gotten. Since there are only two letters, it shouldn't take long. Oh yeah, and I've gotta have a name for it. How about...

My Sack

From: Doc George
Subject: Column

Just a quick note here,

Loved the column at Slash, I actually thought it hit the nail on the head.

Something to think about for ya....

Ratings....

If I understand the premise of television ratings, it's based on a select number of people, since obviously not everyone could be polled for their opinions of the week's television schedule. In essence, it's supposedly a microcosm of the viewing public. Why is the internet looked at so differently?? Why would the internet population, which is constantly referred to by Madden, and plenty of other "Wrestling Insiders" as pro WWF, be disproportionately populated by WWF fans? Is this not just another "microcosm" of society exactly the same as the Television ratings system is set up? I doubt there is any way to say this and be backed up by statistics, but realistically, shouldn't, by the law of averages, the Internet Community be looked upon in the same sort of manner? Bottom line, in my opinion of course, the reason any organization would be interested in the net is because you get the ratings directly from the viewers, and in much greater detail as far as likes and dislikes. Granted, demographics such as age groups aren't readily available, but the actual opinions of viewers are. Madden, Russo, Ryder etc etc are simply seeing that the public in general, are more infatuated with the WWF right now, and they don't like what they see. I think what is appearing publicly now, is frustration. They can't find the formula that works, and they don't know why. Russo tries to bring the same things that worked in the WWF to WCW but isn't having the same amount of success. They claim to have the largest talent base in the Wrestling world, but they have yet to figure out that their opinion of talent, and the public's idea of talent isn't the same. For me, the current WCW product is very much on the verge of what it was in the late 80's and early 90's. A very poor attempt at slapstick comedy. Only now they say "ass" alot. But they didn't ask my opinion, or anyone else's, they rely on their own ideas, and because of their over inflated ego, they can't see past that point. But I digress.... The column was great, and I appreciate seeing a very similar opinion of my own, on a website.

Chris "Doc" George

Okay, A) that was not a quick note, that was a frickin (tm CRZ) addendum, and 2) that was a great letter, and it made a lot of points that I forgot to. Thanks, Doc!

From: Michael Angelo
Subject: Good column

Dead-on my friend.

Funny, but in my Expansion column this week, I wrote about Marks as well and I think we actually make similar points.

Remember the days when wrestling was fun, when we thought it was real and cheer for the good guys and boo'ed the bad guys?

I remember Wrestlemania 1. My friends and I debated the logic of Hogan and Mr. T. hosting Saturday Night live the night before their big match.

That's what it should be all about. We can still mark out, but we can also help guide the course of our favorite personalities through our criticism of what is happening week to week.

Keep up the good work. I will be reading!

Michaelangelo

Those were the good old days indeed. I remember cheering for Roddy Piper, even when he was a heel, for the sole reason that he lives in Oregon, my (original) home state. And he is a former champion of Portland Wrestling, now the NWAPNWCAWAN, or something like that. Hey Michaelangelo, you don't mind if I use your gimmick, do you?

The Good, Great and Awesome for December 8, 1999

Why do I call it that, you ask? Because I'm reviewing CRZ, of course.

CRZ's RAW is WAR Report

GOOD: "Have you been to the Torch's new site? It's awesome! They're gonna put WrestleLine out of business! They're THAT good! PRO WRESTLING TORCH DOT COM! Wooooo!" I don't know if he was being sarcastic, or if he really meant the "Wrestleline out of business" part, but I do agree that it's a good site. Check it out if you haven't.

GREAT: "Ross calls Jeff 'the scintillising Matt Hardy,' so not only did he misidentify him, but he INVENTED A NEW ENGLISH WORD! GO ROSS!" Hetotally called it. I personally am getting a little tired of JR and his thesaurus.

PREDICTION: "'Okay, okay, in all seriousness - are we gettin' in the shower or not?' Again, H calls her back pretending to be serious. You know what's funny about this? She falls for it EVERY SINGLE TIME." Can you see it coming? Steph's gonna turn on her dad, and soon she WILL be showing up in the shower with HHH.

UGH: "Hard into the corner and NOW it's time once again for everybody to come aboard the HOOOO TRAIN. Cover, 1, 2, 3. (3:44) Give it A MILLION STARS!" Hey Chris, can I change my r.s.p-w vote for Worst Wrestling Move? I had the Ho Train at #3, but now I think I wanna make it #1. Those million stars should be used by the Godfather to try and make that thing look more convincing.

RIGHT ON: "Steph is no slut, oh no (beeeeeeeeep) because Triple H would never marry a slut (beeep) at least not intentionally. [Dude, it ain't working. Don't bother.]" I agree wholeheartedly. They need to either work this out with the censor ahead of time, or just let it go on RAW and remind them not to say that stuff on SmackDown!. Enough with the beeping and muting.

ODD: "Chyna's a strange one - obviously she's got these lesbian leanings, and yet she didn't seem to know that Kitty didn't wear underwear - so what exactly do they DO all they in those 'Master' & 'slave' shirts?" This makes even less sense, because I've seen Kitty in a thong quite a few times! Not that I was looking, of course. Is the underwear just for special occasions? Or maybe it's one of those Clintonisms: if it doesn't cover at least half of the ass, it's not underwear.

That's about it for this article. Imitating people takes too much effort. Let's see... did I even say anything about wrestling? Oh yes, the light heavyweight stuff. Good, then this should pass easily for an article. You know, come to think of it, ripping off gimmicks can be a gimmick in itself. Just ask Ed "I won't appear on TV" Ferrara. And sorry, folks, but no man-boobs this time. Stay tuned!