I am Buff.

Your friendly neighborhood superhero.

Forget about the sex-symbol I was. The powers that be made me say that.
They wanted to get cheap heat for my debut. Well I'm done with that!
Consider my heel days over!

This new millennium is crying out for someone to lead its tired,
huddled, unwashed millions.
To be a role model for the big double "O".
So I have stepped up to the challenge.

I am Buff.
I am training, taking my vitamins, and drinking my power shakes.
And so should you.
I am not doing drugs.
And neither should you.
I am respecting my family and neighbors.
And so should you.

Be like Buff.
The new motto for 2000 and beyond.

Be like Buff.

Right.

Now on to the latest : Buff Report - Supplemental

Have a Very Wrestling Holiday

Now, kids, the Buffster's been as busy as the next superhero
during this holiday season. What I am saying is that my time is short
what with rescuing kittens from trees and opening shopping malls.
So my Buffomaniacs, you will have be patient; the flip reports will return in January, because even superheroes need a holiday.

In the meantime, and in perpetuity, I will try to post supplemental columns on topics that the other columnists aren't addressing.
Because who needs to read the same thing over and over again?

So, since I haven't seen this yet, I present:

Have fun with these...
 

"Ring The Bell" (sung to "Jingle Bells")

Ring the bell
Mideon smells
Bossman sucks an egg

Oh what fun it is to watch
Raw on USA, hey!

Give me hell
in a cell
make Viscera go away

Chris Jericho is the man;
Where is SCSA? Hey!
 

Bashing up Al Snow
with a non-stick cookie tray,
Both Godfather and Ho's
have cellulite today! Ha ha ha!
Crash and Bob's bell rings,
now some fat guys have to fight,
What fun it is to do the worm,
Too Cool are really white!

-----
We wish you could write some new stuff (sung to "We Wish You a Merry X-Mas")

We wish you could write some new stuff
We wish you could write some new stuff
We wish you could write some new stuff
Vince Russo and Ed

Good grappling would bring
to you more ra-tings
New stories and phrases
not that copy-cat thing

We wish you could write some new stuff
We wish you could write some new stuff
We wish you could write some new stuff
Vince Russo and Ed

We all want some better mic skills
We all want some better mic skills
We all want some better mic skills
So write more next year!

Young wrestlers, not old
should receive the push,
young wrestlers, not oldsters
like Nash, Hall and Hulk!

repeat ad nauseum...

------------
Silent Guy (sung to "Silent Night")
(This one's for Michael Angelo)

Silent Guy
Violent Guy
Chris Benoit
Must be shy

Round yon microphone
Can't remember his lines
No catch phrases
Or sing-along time

Savor your push while it lasts, lasts
Savor your push while it lasts.

(and now for CRZ)

Silent guy
Lethal guy
Steve Blackman
That power-kick guy

Smarts and webmasters
dig this guy
But I'm sorry to say,
he'll be jobbing for life

A jobber's salary not so bad, bad
A jobber's salary's not bad

-----------
Goldberg (sung to "Dreidel")

Goldberg, Goldberg, Goldberg
Unstoppable you say?
Then how can you explain
Him laying down again?

----------
Deck the Halls (With GHB)

Deck the halls with GHB!
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tammy Lynn just puked and peed!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Chris and her careers in ashes!
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Now see Paul E. fire their asses!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

-----------
Godfather the Ho Man

Godfather the Ho Man
Is a fun loving fun guy
With a big fat blunt
and a bevy of hoes
He gets his opponents laid

Godfather the Ho Man
Is a jolly man, they say
Was that guy Shango
Now he peddles hos
To the wrestling world today!

There must have been some magic
in Papa Shango's bones,
'Cause when he wiped off his make-up
He was surrounded by some hos!

Humpity hump hump
Humpity hump hump
Look at those fine hos
Humpity hump hump
Humpity hump hump
Into the ring they go!

Godfather the Ho Man
Thought his old gimmick was bad,
So he got some hos and a kooky vest
And look at the success he's had!

Down to the ring
With those whores in a ho-train
Oh did you forget?
That's what ho means,
you redneck with no brain?

--------

That's all for this year!

And now, possibly the only "rant" you'll ever hear from me. Possibly.

Don't drink and drive, kids - Buff doesn't - and neither should you. I don't mind having to editorialize a bit to qualify that, since most people won't see this part because I have just a few readers, and most won't get this far.

I read everything on CRZ. Everything. Last week I read an on-site report. I won't say who from, because
it's irrelevant to my point. Let me post a few quotes from that column...

"Another note. This is the first time in a great while that I am watching wrestling sober. WHY?! you might ask. Well..... one of my headlight on my ride is out and that is just begging for TROUBLE from the 5 O."

and

"By the way, on the way home, I was about 10 miles from my house and I stopped off at a gas station
and bought a tall boy Bud Lite. I drank it and about 4 miles from my house, I was pulled over by a
deputy sheriff. No shit. He smelled the beer and asked how much I had been drinking. I told him just
one and he made me get out of my jeep."

Look. I'm not going to go on a tirade about drinking and driving. It's been done. We all know someone or someone who knows someone who's been hurt or killed by a drunk driver.  It sucks. I could give a rat if you kill yourself. Natural selection, I say. But when you drive drunk, you put me and my family in danger. That sucks. And this guy's openly admitting that he drinks and drives. Wotta genius.

So I say:
Fuck you, pal. You suck. And so does anyone who drinks and drives.

You: Come on Buff, haven't you ever HAD to do it - I mean sometimes you have no choice!
Me: No. Never. Believe it. There's always a choice.

Merry Solstice all... be safe, don't drink and drive - stay alive.
Because I need all of you to read my column and make me famous.

Be like Buff... Behave.

Mail me. I like it. Even if you tell me I suck, it's better than being
ignored.