Hello.

I am Buff.

Your favorite sex symbol.

Your least-read columnist ever.

But I still score.

Now.. a few corrections first, re: my last column... The first "their" should be "they're" - My mistake, and spell check doesn't pick-up correctly spelled, but wrong words... "Defiantly" (near the end) should be "definitely". Same deal. Now that sentence makes more sense.

I swear I proof-read, I just missed those, so LAY OFF!

Now, on to the report.

First off, you get something special this week. I kept track of how many minutes I watched Raw and Nitro when they were head to head, and you get the totals at the end of this. I thought it might be interesting. If you disagree, well, tough luck.

Buckle up.

8:00 - Flip WWF - Big show coming to the ring. Yuck. Make it go away!

8:02 - Flip WCW - people WALKING -(tm CRZ) - Commercial.

8:02 - Flip WWF - What? A match to start? I predict the marriage won't happen. I hate the Bossman, and not because he's a heel.

8:04 - Flip - WCW - Jerry Flynn invents... The Thunderdome! (My reference 1st! - Whoo!) But he calls it "the Block". I bet it's just a glorified boiler-room match. I still mark for Piper.

8:06 Flip WWF - Hmm - X-Pac run in. I hate him more every week. And the fans cheer. I hate them too.

8:07 Flip WCW - Hall/Sid - Ho-Hum.

8:10 Flip WWF - DX talk - Yawn.

8:11 Flip WCW - Piper again. The More Piper, the better! Dr. Death - WALKING! -(tm CRZ) - Commercial.

8:12 Flip WWF - HHH talking. Still. Goddamnit, why do they cram these replays down our throats again and AGAIN?

8:16 Flip WCW - Even more Piper! Ugh, please don't let the Nitro Grrrls talk. Too late.

8:18 Flip WWF - Now Vinnie is talking... Commercial.

8:19 Flip WCW - I love the Misfits and Vampiro. Almost as much as Piper.

Oh, this week Dr. Death gets to kill Jerry Only.
Sign in crowd - "Dr. Death Is Fat".
I still hate Oklahoma.
As a wrestler, Jerry Only is a good recording artist.
You know, Juvi is actually rather funny. Commercial.

8:24 Flip WWF - Matt vs. Edge. Hey! Actual wrestling, and it's on WWF! GODDAMN IT! WHY DO THE HARDYS ALWAYS JOB? I guess they used to job to Papi Chulo, so at least it's to Canadian Blondies this time. Wait, I thought these guys were friends... Ha! Stephanie's a LUSH! Commercial.

8:28 Flip WCW - Hart on the stick. Meng will not win. Snore...

8:31 Flip WWF - Chyna / Jericho! Yes.
Buff is a Jericho mark. EW!!! Chyna is wearing zip-crotch shorts!!!
And the fans love Jericho. Maybe I don't hate them that much.
Ew #2!! Chyna as a big gross vein on her boob.
DAMNIT! Make me wait till the PPV? Fuck you. If Jericho jobs again....
Ug. More bachlorette (sic?) party.

8:37 Flip WCW - I missed something. Oops, I told you Hart'd win.

8:39 Commercials on BOTH channels! You'd think someone'd plan it out better....

8:40 Flip WWF - Hos. Does "Stomp" do Blackman's music?

8:45 Flip WCW - I missed something involving Luger and the P.T.B. 3 way.... commercial.

8:48 Flip WWF - The most electrifying move in sports entertainment is now "The Worm Drop". I must have committed great offenses against the gods to have to see so much of Fatu's Ass. More party so I -

8:53 Flip WCW - Dustin looks like hell. Benoit's a good wrestler, but I just can't like him yet. And the "silent but violent" ain't working..

8:56 Commercial on BOTH channels.

8:58 Flip WWF - HHH / Test. ZZzzzz...

9:07 Flip WCW - Something happened involving many tall men. Commercial.

9:07 Flip WWF - HHH flinches and proves that he can't take the flying elbow like a man.
More party - Why god, why?
EW #3. The oldies get some young "D". Commercial.

9:11(call the cops) Flip WCW - Oh. Goldberg won that match earlier.
Mud match. And that stripper music must mean it's time for the fat lady.
Much pain...must flip...got to reach utility belt...

9:14 Flip WWF - HHH called the cops, so relax.
Ha - funny slo-mo mushroom regurgitation.
IS the EMT's name supposed to be funny? Arg - get her away from a mic.
Ah - they listened - Ivory gets the stick. I like her mic work...and her underwear. Pat Patterson looks like Jerry Van Dyke.

9:19 Commercial on BOTH channels!

9:20 Flip WCW - They make their own commercials!
Chavo is funny. Hmm, why are the luchadors doing better on the stick
than wrestlers whose first language is English?
Blah - Jerry and Wall in the Thunderdome.

9:24 Flip WWF - Angle / Venis. I like that Angle is beating everyone. Rock talking.... yawn. Commercial.

9:32 Flip WCW - More Russoman. Hey, Hennig is touching Midnyte's boobies! Alot. That doesn't look good. Commercial.

9:40 Flip WWF - Foley, Kane, other people.... Commercial.

9:47 Flip WCW - Liz in mud. Luger in mud. My mind in pain.

9:50 Commercial on BOTH channels!

9:51 Flip WWF - Poker - fight - commercial. In and out quick....just the opposite of me...(most of the time, anyway...)

9:53 Flip WCW - Piper. More Piper. Maybe I don't hate EVERYTHING Russoman does. Cage match with many tall people means early boredom.

10:00 Flip WWF - Wedding. Please stop the singing. It isn't going to happen anyway, so enough singing already.

10:05 WWF - Still on. HHH interrupts. I told you it wouldn't happen.
What the hell? HHH married her when she was passed out (because she's a LUSH!).
Ok, I didn't see them swerving it THAT way.
Oh... the waiter is an accomplice... but will he be a wrestler now?

10:11 - WWF - STILL ON! Stephanie crying - ok, she's not a bad actor.
Calm down Stephanie, if it was real, any judge in the land would look at the tape and annul the marriage to HHH in a nanosecond.
But the WWF will NOT THINK OF THIS!! (I called it 1st. Remember.....)
Test runs away.....

10:12 Finally OVER!

And now the tally... survey says....

WCW - 54 minutes (not including the 1st hour)
WWF - 77 minutes

WWF wins. Doesn't mean it was better (or worse) just that I watched it for 20 more minutes when they were both on...

That's it for now, if you're good and Buff doesn't have plans next Monday, you'll get more minute by minute flip reports, so don't pick on your sister, ok?

Training tip of the week : Lay offa the pork-rinds, fatty.

Thank you for coming, or however you reacted...