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Clint McGuire

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BUCKSHOT

Like the drunken prom date who can't decide whether to kiss you or slap your face, this... is BUCKSHOT. This week, I'd like to present for your consideration the McGuire Index, a statistical look at the goings on in professional wrestling over the past week or so. Before I get to the Index though, a personal plea:

I NEED LETTERS! Since I started writing this column a month or so ago, I haven't gotten letter one. I'm on my knees right now. Please, for the love of God, send me something via my e-mail! Comments, compliments, criticism, nasty pictures, SOMETHING! I'm not gonna beg, though. On with the show! And now, with apologies to Harper's magazine, I present:

THE McGUIRE INDEX
All figures are verifiable. Not neccesarily accurate or true, but verifiable.

Number of WWF World Heavyweight Title changes since September 30, 1998 (as of 9-30-99)
12

Number of WWF World Heavyweight Title changes, April 1963 to December 26, 1983
12

Number of changes that, given the current pace, could have happened in the above mentioned time period
248

Estimated amount of time until HHH finally draws heat
2.7 months

Estimated number of women who swooned over Test in a tuxedo
126,355

Estimated number of men who really gave a damn
0

Percentage of people who thought the "echo censor" effect on RAW was some sort of acid flashback
11.2

Chance that The Big Show would earn a main-event match at Wrestlemania XVI in a feud with Chris Jericho
1 in 3

Chance that The Big Show will earn a main-event match at Wrestlemania XVI in a feud with Prince Albert
1 in 300

Number of beers Steve Austin must have consumed prior to his promo at RAW this week
7

Chance that HHH found the rest of Austin's 12-pack and drank it before his match on RAW
1 in 7

Length of time I've been waiting for Jim Dotson to get in the ring against someone
18 months

Amount of time spent on the Mankind-Rock "This Is Your Life" segment
20 minutes

Length of time of the Kidman-Psychosis match on "Nitro"
9:22

Number of my friends watching who cared about the Kidman-Psychosis match
0

Estimated number of cakes destroyed on televised wrestling programs in the past 30 years, before the streak was broken on this week's RAW
4,284

Aggregate amount of "shrinkage" suffered by RAW's male audience as a result of seeing Mae Young half-naked in the evening gown match
1.773 km

Number of wrestlers "let go" by WCW in the latest headhunting expedition
18

Of that number, the total number of those named Steiner, Hogan, Rachtman, Okerlund or Sid
1

Chance that Lex Luger will go over with the new and "improved" Total Package gimmick
1 in 1000

Amount of money David Flair would have to spend in gym time to get his body anywhere near wrestling standards
$2,500

Time, in months that Bret Hart should have as WCW champion as compensation for the crap he's gone through since coming into the organization
36

Nielsen rating for the quarter-hour of NITRO featuring Konnan (lowest of either show)
1.6

Nielsen rating for the Mankind-Rock segment (highest on either show)
8.4

Nunber of interviews with Rick or Scott Steiner I can sit through before I go postal
1

Ratio of pinfalls to DQ's/no-decisions on NITRO this week
4:1

Ratio of pinfalls to DQ's/no-decisions on RAW this week
1:2

Chance that anyone will read this far and comment on my column this week
1 in 1,000,000

Until next time, my finicky felines. Push the button, Frank!

Clint McGuire
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission