My condolences go out to Al Snow this week, who has slowly watched all his head slip away into nothingness. The man used to get a cheer when he came out with his "what does everybody want?" phrase, but now they've changed his music, changed his character, and wrecked his appeal. He came out on Smackdown last week and the crowd? NOTHING. He throws his arms and head up above his head. NOTHING. They have killed Al Snow.

Christian vs. Gangrel on WWF Metal last week? Somebody up there must like me after all!

Anyway, I think I had a point or two with this column sooooooo

Why did I just quote 'Down in It' by Nine Inch Nails? Well, its because I have found myself converted to being a WWF fan. How did this happen? Well it all started with the WWF's best JTTS, Gangrel. It continued with the Russo era but I'll get to that later. Just before Christmas, I was pretty unhappy with wrestling. It just didn't say anything to me any more. The WCW was sucking like it had never sucked before, and the WWF was stale and I didn't think it had anything to offer me. Now, I have always been a WCW mark so if that sucked, that pretty meant that all wrestling sucked for me... But that was to change. One afternoon I was bored and I decided to tune into WWF Metal. Who did I see? My saviour, Gangrel. I've always liked Gangrel because I really dig his cheesy vampire gimmick, but this was not what inspired me. It was that Gangrel was WRESTLING. I don't mean he was in the ring punching the other guy, he was doing actual WRESTLING. He has that cool reverse tiger suplex and those kick ass corkscrew elbow drops... Gangrel resurrected my love for wrestling! Then I watched Raw and saw the new McMahon/Helmsley era angle and enjoyed it. I actually felt Stephanie was justified in getting her revenge on her dear daddy for having her in that stupid gimmick. My marking out for Jericho has started anew, especially now that he is wrestling AND getting the mic time to shame the other WWF wrestlers. So you have Gangrel to thank for me doing the WWF PPV reports (or should that be blame? FIND OUT ON SUNDAY!!!!!!). You have Gangrel to thank for me carrying on doing my column (blame?). Isn't that a heart warming story?

Hey! Where did WCW go? What has happened to WCW? A couple of years back they were actually COMPETITION to the WWF. But they are now a pathetic shadow of their former self. Vince Russo and his ego came on board and managed to take WCW is an all new low. Not only were they not bringing in new viewers, they were alienating some of WCW's existing audience who had always watched the show because of the WRESTLING. Russo said WRESTLING had no place in his world of sports enterfuckingtainment(TM). He wanted a more adult direction, less wrestling, more bullshit story lines and titties. Russo said that if a wrestler couldn't cut promos, he wasn't worth shit (I admit those were not his exact words). He said as an American, he did not want to see foreigners wrestling, and he thought that was what the fans thought too. Unfortunately it was just him and some inbred idiot called Ned from Hicksville. Surprisingly, he was totally wrong and the crowds stayed away in their droves, house show attendance dropped to around a thousand in places. Due to the absence of Bret Hart at Souled Out, Russo wanted to make his most retarded decision yet and put the world title on Tank "no heat" Abbott. What did Bill Busch do? Well it had been a sudden turn of events Russo and his love pixy Ed Fererra appearing, and it turned out to be a sudden turn of events when Russo was yanked from his position of head booker. Things actually looked good for WCW at this point as they promised a booking committee and a return to a WRESTLING show. Well, it looked good for about ten minutes until what seems like the ENTIRE 'young future of this stinking company' (why the hell did I put that in speech marks? Am I getting so desperate I'm quoting myself? I guess so. Just no one else tell me I'm desperate. BREASTS! Are you still reading? Sorry) Anyway. A bunch of wrestlers are unhappy with Kevin Sullivan being the head of this committee (fear of being buried) and they have asked for their releases, including Benoit who to add insult to injury is living with Sullivan's ex-wife (doh!)

Honestly though, I am genuinely upset about all this because I have ALWAYS watched WCW. As long as I have watched wrestling I have believed WCW to be my favourite. The UK TV schedules have screwed up Nitro, putting it head to head with new episodes of Friends and ER which means I have no chance of being able to see it. (BREASTS!) I hope WCW gets better, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to see it. I'm seeing them live in Manchester in England this March though so here's hoping!

No, this is not the giants of wrestling that we have come to see on our screens. This is a sorry little group of people running in Britian calling themselves the AMERICAN WRESTLING FEDERATION. The announcer said they were BRASH, STRONG, AND LOUD! I think LAME, CRAPPY, AND POINTLESS would better suit them. They were playing in the theatre of my hometown of Southport. Now considering that this is a small out of season beach resort on the North West of England, this was a pretty big event for the young people of Southport, and me, my friends, and my brother and sister. (BREASTS!) For these were not merely sad little men in tights, but mighty brawlers from around the world! They included MR. USA called that because he had the mighty STARS AND STRIPES on his trunks. There was GARY B. WARE who was BORN TO BE BAD!!!! Then there was RICK MASTERS who was pretending to be THE UNDERTAKER and BRETT WARR who was dressed up like KANE. There was also FAUX LEGION OF DOOM. I swear I'm not making this up, these guys had horribly cheap rip-off outfits of WWF wrestlers and we were meant to cheer for these guys (we did cheer I'm sad to say) as they stumbled around the tiny square ring struggling to pull of simple wrestling moves and trying to keep some degree of self-respect. They failed. The theatre was surprisingly full and the mostly under 13 crowd was really getting into it as ring-announcer turned fucking irritating commentator led the crowd in chants for the good guys, all of whom won. The commentator showed his impartial match calling ability as he shouted "LOOK OUT REF, HE'S CHEATING!" Oh how I laughed. Then I cried when I realised I'd paid to see this. My friends and I tried to get into it by starting pro-wrestling style chants like "ASS HOLE!", and when we got bored "GOLDBERG!". I shouted "YOU SUCK" at just about every wrestler and I watched as very small children crotch chopped at the wrestlers, one of them screamed "SUCK IT MATE!!" Aaahh, aren't little kiddies sweet? The event was capped off with a BATTLE ROYAL... Though ten men had tried to wrestle in that ring on the night, only eight of them could take part in the Royal, the announcer said that this was because in Britain they weren't allowed to have more than eight in the ring at once! Bullshit, it was because any more than eight men and the pitiful little ring would have collapsed under the weight of so much mediocrity being in the ring at once! In the end FAUX KANE was the last man in the ring and the crowd erupted into an ovation that the event was finally over. I really hope the WCW show will be better.

I am not bothering with a Royal Rumble preview this week, partly as I think I have taken up enough of your time any way. If you want a preview, go read Sharon Austin's coz its great. I more or less agree with her predictions except that I think Jericho is going to beat Chyna and Holly. Look out for some sort of turn by someone, getting Jericho the victory.

PLEASE visit The Wrestling Galaxy, a groovy web site created by the very pleasant Star (also Pro. Wrestling site co-ordinator for Bella Online, she's a clever girl!). There are so many pictures of wrestlers it will take you a considerable length of time to go through them all. Go pay it a visit and sign the guest book and tell Star I sent you so she can shower me with gratitude :)

To finish of this column, I would like to announce my controversial new group I am attempting to set up. It is to be known as A.O.P.N.I.I.C...B., the ASSOCIATION OF PEOPLE NOT INTERESTED IN CYANINDIGO'S BREASTS. Catchy huh? I think its fairly self-explanatory. If you want to join, mail me! I need a second in command, preferably another slash columnist so if you think you fit the bill, MAIL ME!!!!

DON'T FORGET TO READ MY ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT HERE ON THIS VERY SITE!!!!!!!!!

Please mail me with your feedback, insults, whatever and keep those requests to have my babies flooding in!

Your friend, as always, through the treacherous rock-filled waters of life,

Marvellous Martin
Proof that CRZ will print ANYTHING.
[slash] wrestling