I did a couple of articles for [Slash] Wrestling back when it was young and fresh, but then I stopped for whatever reason. But now, in honor of its one-year anniversary, I return for no real reason but to bitch and moan. It's pretty much set off by a radio show interview I read at the Torch website with DDP and his wife, Kim. At the end of it, Page says something to the effect of that "a lot of what we see on TV is what goes on in the back turned up by 100 times."

Why in the hell do wrestlers say this? The part about something "turned up by" x number "of times." I think Steve Austin started it, since his character was one of the first to be recognized as an extension of his real life persona. He'd do an interview and be asked something like "how much like Stone Cold are you in real life?" His answer would be "well, what you see on TV is me turned up a bit." Really? Just a bit? So what about your character are you really NOT like? We know you live in Texas, hunt a lot and drink an assload of beer, so I guess you don't really hit people with Stunners in real life. And you don't often walk into Titan towers (now WWFE towers, but I like Titan better) and "cross the boss" by cussing him out, flipping him off, and pouring beer all over his desk?

Then the Rock comes along and he says generally the same thing. He talks about how the Rock is really Dwayne Johnson turned up a few notches. See how we've advanced from "a bit" to "a few notches?" So what does Dwayne Johnson not do in real life that the Rock does? From interviews we've gathered that he keeps a notepad handy to write down funny stuff he says in real life (or at least thinks about at times) and that he used the People's Eyebrow to pick up chicks in college. So when he's turned down in real life, the only difference is that he doesn't plant people with Rock Bottoms and then drop the People's Elbow on them.

So we get back around to DDP's comment. WCW, which I'll assume he's talking about since he's never been employed by the WWF and he's so old he probably doesn't remember much about his AWA days, on screen is like the locker room environment turned up 100 times. Well no wonder locker room morale in WCW sucks. If what's on TV is turning people off in droves and putting everyone else to sleep, and the locker room is 100 times less exciting than what's on TV, then it must be really fucking boring back there. Let's say you have to be at the arena for Nitro at 7 PM, and you don't go on until 9:15. That's two hours that you have to be in what is quite possibly the most boring place in the world. WCW workers must cherish their trips to the DMV to get new licenses, because it has to be the most exciting thing they get to do in a given month. And it's no wonder that established stars show up late, leave right after they finish their job and negotiate contracts that require the least number of appearances that they can get. I'd spend my days drunk, too, if worked there.

And it's a damn good thing that the Rock and Steve Austin aren't in WCW these days. Now that we've established how they are in real life and how the real life goings on affect WCW's TV shows, it would be hell. If you think Rocky is just a constant stream of catchphrases now, picture him at 100 times his normal self. His interviews would go something like this: "Just bring it 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag it doesn't matter what your name is if you smell what the Rock is cooking..." This would be his 20-minute interview segment. Nothing to put the thoughts together coherently, just catchphrases stung along to form something resembling a promo. This consumption of time would make up for the matches that would consist exclusively of a spinebuster, Rock Bottom, and People's Elbow. They'd probably give him one of those Garth Brooks headsets so he could wear it in the ring and go through his constant catchphrase on the mic during matches. Of course the People's Eyebrow would always be raised as well. And Austin would never job cleanly because he'd always be driving a zamboni, monster truck, or beer truck and you wouldn't be able to get to him to pin him. He'd win every match by forfeit or lose it by countout. His interviews would be like the Rock's... "If you want to see me run this son of a bitch down gimme a hell yeah I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry and that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold said so and that's all I got to say about that..." His interviews would turn into Russian novels of foul language and his hands would be permanently raising the middle finger. Now I know what you're asking: "how is this different from the current Rock and Austin?"

But my point is this: the "turned up" whatever amount comment is just silly. No one really thinks (at least I hope not, and if they do, they are beyond help anyway) that when Steve Austin is at a restaurant and the his order is messed up, he stands up on the table and says "if you wanna see me whoop this waiter's ass, gimme a hell yeah," and upon receiving the other patron's response, proceeds to hit the Stunner on the waiter, the cook, and the cashier (for good measure.) Although it would probably be less embarrassing to Debra than her former husband Mongo was, carrying that dumb dog everywhere. Just tell me "what you see in the ring is an exaggerated version of my real life persona." Or "what you see on TV is an exaggeration of the locker room." Or "what you see on TV is pure crap." But only an honest fool would say that last one...

And now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm spent. I'm gonna go lay down.

Til' next year!