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Lee Kelsall

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THE SPRINGFIELD WRESTLING FEDERATION
Episode 3

Moes Tavern.

Homer, Barney are at the bar, Moe behind, natch.

Moe : So Homer, how *did* you escape Burns' Tower?

Homer : Oh, I guess I'm supposed to remember *everything* now.

The FBI enters the tavern.

FBI Agent 1 : Homer Simpson, we are here on the orders of Mr. Montgomery Burns. You *must* give up possession of the WWF world title belt.

Homer : But I don't *have* the belt. Isn't anybody paying attention?

FBI Agent 2 : Mr. Simpson! Continuity is a federal offence!

IRA Agent 1 : That's right.

CIA Agent 2 : Indeed.

Lenny : So what happened to the belt anyway?

Homer : I sold it to some artist guy.

Moe : I thought it was a comic book guy.

Homer : Batman?

Moe : No, I don't *think* it was Batman.... Coulda been, but I don't think so.

WCW Agent 1 : Homer, since you have blatantly ignored our request, you are hereby under arrest.

Homer : For what?!

NRA Agent 2 : For conspiring against the offices of Vince McMahon and Montgomery Burns, also known as 'The Dynamic Dudes'.

Moe : I'm not gonna stand here and let you arrest Homer! Take THAT!

Moe nails NWA Agent 1 with a right hand, as Barney pounces on VCR Agent 2. As Lenny and Homer help, it's beatdown time.

The 00 agents in a heap on the floor, it's Homer, Lenny, Barney and Moe standing tall. A look of startled realisation hits their faces.

Homer : As I look into the eyes of you three guys, one thought comes to mind... I need a beer!

Moe : No wait... Homer. Look at us. It's time. It's time to form the most elite group in world history. It's Horseman time fellas.



Meanwhile, in New York...

McMahon : You people have to help me!

Sipowitz : Yeah, what's the problem?

McMahon : A gang of thugs beat up my NWO Agents. They're out now as a group called the NotHorsemen.

Sipowitz : Horsemen?

McMahon : No, they changed the name because it infringed on a WCW copyright.

Sipowitz : And you think using *my* name isn't infringing on an NYPD Blue copyright?

McMahon : Hmmm...

Zipowitch : I'd like to help, but over the course of the series, the entire cast was killed off. First it was Bobby, then Delores, then my wife... And the casualties just kept on coming. I think the writers went nuts. It's just me here, and damn if I'm not getting fatter and balder.

McMahon : So what do they pay you for?

Skipperbitch : I have no idea. But what exactly is it you want me to do?

McMahon : I can't recall.

Trippaswitch : Shall we wrap it up?

McMahon : Okay.

Cue fast-paced synth music as we cut to the next scene.



The NotHorsemen have hit the town. It's takeover time in Springfield. First stop : WNBA Basketball at Springfield Arena : The OTHER Arena(.com). Sitting in the crowd, none of the four men are particularly enjoying the show.

Barney : This sucks. When are the cheerleaders coming on?

Homer : Um Barney, I think *those* are the cheerleaders.

Camera cuts to four men acting out the YMCA at courtside.

Barney screams.

Lenny : You know, *we* could do a better job than that.

Homer : Then why don't we?

Moe : ...

Lenny : ...

Barney : ...

Moe : You know, I *still* don't know why they let Rodman play tonight.

Lenny : Screw this. Let's trash this dump.

Within minutes the arena is on fire, and scores of people are sent fleeing for their lives.



Cut to a shot of the four men strutting around town, dressed in Reservoir Dogs attire with 'Little Green Bag' playing in the background. It's a funny image, admit it.

The NotHorsemen approach a movie theatre.

Lenny : Hmm, what's *this* movie? The Blair Witch Project?

Homer : Heh heh heh... Cherie Blair *does* look like a witch.

They enter the building.

Time passes...

Barney : This movie sucks. Let's trash this dump.

Within minutes the theatre is on fire, and scores of people are sent fleeing for their lives.



We're at the Springfield Football Stadium. It's Springfield versus Shelbyville. Springfield 3, Shelbyville 24 to be exact.

Lenny : This sucks. We could do a better job than this.

Homer : Then why don't we?

Barney : ...

Moe : .. No wait. We don't need to go through that same routine. We *should* do a better job.

Barney : Let's Crush 'em!

The four men run down the aisle, jump the railings, and start mingling with the coaches and players.

Security Guard : Who the hell are you? You're not allowed down here! I want names!

Moe : Joe Montana.

Lenny : O.J. Simpson.

Barney : Jim Harbaugh.

Homer : The Dallas Cowboys.

Guard : Very well. Go about your business.

A quartet of muggings later, the four are clad in Springfield Isotope getup. Somehow they end up on the field. Homer as quarterback, Moe, Lenny and Barney all occupying some other positions. Like I *know* any other postions.

Out of the snap it comes, Homer takes it...

Moe makes the run...

Homer sends the ball flying through the air...

Springfield 3 Shelbyville 30

Announcer : What an interception, and a 60 yard touchdown return to boot!

The crowd boos.

Homer : Ah this sucks. Let's trash this dump.

Within minutes the stadium is on fire, and scores of people are sent fleeing for their lives.

The Mayors Office.

Quimby : Something *has* to be done to stop these thugs!

Eric : Would a change of t-shirt colours do the trick?

Quimby : Get me Montgomery Burns!



TitanTower.

Smithers : Mr. Burns, that was Mayor Quimby on the phone. Apparently he's not too happy with the way Homer Simpson and his group of thugs are taking over Springfield.

Mr. Burns : Does he still have the title belt?

Smithers : We're not sure what the belt situation is at this point. We may already have it.

Mr. Burns : There's only one thing to do. We could just destroy Mr. Simpson, but that wouldn't be dramatic enough. Especially with this being the third and final part of the story.

Smithers : May I suggest an elaborate setup?

Mr. Burns : Excellent.



The NotHorsemen are on the streets. They pass city hall. A sign outside reads 'Not Horsemen Enter Here'.

Homer : Hmmm....

They enter, and soon see the entire building trashed on the inside.

Moe : Hey what the hell happened here? What kind of morons would trash a public place like this?

The door bursts open behind them.

Cop 1 : You four men are under arrest for the desecration of city hall!

Lame!

Lenny : Ah hell.

Moe : You know, you probably coulda just arrested us for the damage we *did* do...

Cop 2 : Shut up!



Springfield Prison.

The NotHorsemen are locked up inside a cell, as Mr. Burns enters the building.

Guard : Visitor for Homer Simpson!

Burns : Ah, Mr. Simpson. You've now learnt never to mess with Mr. Burns and that V.K. Wallstreet fellow. But that belt still MUST be returned to the World Wildlife Fund.

Homer : Belt?

Burns : ENOUGH! I have a proposition for you.

Homer : Propowhat?

Burns : Yes. I'll allow the guards to release you, if you'll accompany me to the NEW Springfield Arena, where you will be fight and be defeated for the WWF title. Should you comply, the rest of your renegade friends will be freed too. But if you refuse, I'll see to it that the four of you will NEVER be let go!

Homer : Okay, what the hey. But where's my proposition?

Burns : It is time.

The guards unlock the cell and grab Homer, carry him out the building, and toss him in the trunk of Burns' limosuine.



We're back at the rebuilt Springfield Arena.

Homer : Wait, this arena is empty! Where's the crowd? The razzamataz? The free beer?

Mr. Burns : Ah yes. I suppose you wanted to try more blatant interference, just like last time. Well we saw fit to ensure that wouldn't happen. Tonight Homer, it's just you and... your MYSTERY OPPONENT!

A cloaked figure comes into view.

Homer : Didn't we do this spot in part 1?

Mr. Burns : This is our henchman Homer. The man who will not only defeat you tonight, but has been a WWF spy for over ten years.

The hood is lifted.

Homer : Herb!!

Herb Simpson : That's right Homer. It was me, it was me all along! I've sat back, writing my Tidbits, waiting for this very moment all my life. Now it's time. HERB's time!

Homer : But you're my brother! Why?

Herb : Pah. You didn't even recognise me when I was at your house in part 2! You never cared about me!

Homer : That wasn't MY fault. That was just a case of Lee making things up as he went along!

Herb : A likely story.

Mr. Burns : Enough chit chat!

** Homer Simpson vs Herb Simpson **

Th-

McMahon : Ring the fucking bell!

Herb Simpson defeated Homer Simpson (Herb Simpson won the WWF World Heavyweight Title)



Backstage at Monday Night Raw.

Herb : So, here's your belt Vince.

McMahon : Thank you very much. I'm just glad this whole non-sensical, contrived and ridiculous ordeal is over with, and we can get back to our Undertaker angles. Now where's Austin? We need to give him back this belt.

Jarrett : Now just wait a damn minute.

Jarrett walks into view.

Jarrett : First off, I'd like to remind everyone here that *I'm* the World Wrestling Federation Champion. I get here this morning, I hear that Austin took my belt on tour, lost it to some jackass, and- Jesus Christ. Vince, you delayed Summerslam for about a month for no good reason, then THIS shit takes place.

McMahon : Now wait just a-

Austin : Hey, my belt's back!

Jarrett : This is MY belt, and let me tell you something Austin, at Summerslam 98, it's g-

But this is a story for another day...

http://members.tripod.com/lkelsall/wwf-circuit.html

The End.

Coming soon: "Wrestling With Shadow-Puppets : The Homer Simpson Story"



We end in the best way possible, a blatant shill for my own fantasy wrestling federation. :)

Lee Kelsall
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Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission