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| Guest Columns | Lee Kelsall |
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THE SPRINGFIELD WRESTLING FEDERATION Episode 2 It's been 12 hours since Homer Simpson won the World Wrestling Federation Championship. In that time, the entire WWF roster went country, TitanTower was demolished, the WWF relocated to Springfield, Mr Burns was hired as the new president of the federation, Vince McMahon got divorced, and Steve Austin, not wanting to join the Rednecks, due to him *being* Texan, moved to the Amazon, and now resides under the name of "Reo : Lord of The Jungle". He's obviously unable to cope with his most embarrasing defeat since Wrestlemania 13. Our cameras move in to the new custom built Titan Tower, which has been built not just anywhere, but in the Simpson's back garden. The massive building dwarfs the Simpson residence, and we cut to inside the Simpson kitchen. Homer : Pah. Old man Burns thinks he can intimidate me into giving that belt back huh? Fat chance! Marge : Mmmm. You know Homer, all our plants are dead, and I think they accidentally buried Grampa under the tower. Shouldn't you just give him the belt? Homer : What belt? Marge : The World Wrestling Federation title! Homer : Oh.... *that* belt. Loveta Marge, but I sold it to some guy at a comic book store. Marge : You did? Homer : But look what I bought with the money I got! Homer pulls out a talking Chandler doll. He pulls the string. Chandler : Could I *be* any more me? Homer : Ahahahahahahaaa.... He pulls the string. Chandler : Could I *be* any more me? Homer : Ahahahahahaaaaa.... Chandler : Could I *be* any more me? Homer : Ahahahahaha.... Chandler : Could I *be* any- Marge : Gimme that! Marge takes the doll and tosses it in the bin. Marge : Homer, I want you to go down to that comic book store right now, and get that belt back! Homer : Never! Oh, I realise it may too *low brow* to walk around this crazy town with nary a belt to my waist, but I don't care! I'm a revolutionary Marge, and you have to live with it! Don't judge me, for I *am* the Judge! Marge rolls her eyes and leaves the room. Homer's quick to reach into the bin. Chandler : Could I *be* any more me? Homer : Ahahahaha... We're in the main room of the Titan Tower. Smithers enters the room, where Mr. Burns sits at his over-sized desk. Smithers : Simpson isn't folding Sir. I've tried everything, I stole his mail, messed with his Chandler doll so it only repeats the same inane message over and over, and nothing. It's time for you to send a message Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns : Ugh. Very well. Tell Mr. Hogan that- Smithers : Excuse me Sir. Shouldn't that be Mr. *Simpson*? Mr. Burns : Hmmm. I seem to get my bald fat men quite confused lately. Ah yes, Mr Simpson. I remember my plan to rid the world of Hulk Hogan failed quite miserably. It cost me 4 million dollars to bring that Mummy back from the dead, and they *still* called it a Yeti. Ugh. And let's not forget my nWo plan. It turned quite ugly. Who would have thought they would all find Christianity like that? Smithers : It was a terrible turn of events Mr. Burns. Almost as sad a moment as when I found out Lenny and Lodi were merely brothers. Mr. Burns : ... Mr. Burns : Anyway, to the matter at hand. Tonight, the federation will promote it's first event... Mr. Simpson thinks he can survive my wrath does he? Well, I've got news for *him*. Smithers, the first televised show will eminate live from... Mr. Burns : Homer Simpson's living room! There's a knock on the Simpson door. Marge answers it. MaskedMan : Ring construction crew! Marge : Who? Neidhart : How did you know it was me? AAAAAGH! Neidhart runs off, and the door is closed. There's a knock on the Simpson door. Marge answers it. Man : Ring construction crew! Marge : Who? Man : No, that was Neidhart. If you'll allow us in, we'll get right to work. Marge : What are you talking about? Man : This *is* Simpson Arena right? Marge : Homer, did you rent out our house for a sporting event? Again? Homer : I- Homer's interrupted by a booming voice heard through the air. We cut to the TitanTower, where Burns stands with a microphone. Mr. Burns : Homer, your incredible refusal to not cave in the eyes of stolen mail, and an overpriced F-R-I-E-N-D-S doll, has left me with no option. Tonight, you will be defeated in your very own home. Tonight Mr. Simpson, you will lose the WWF World Title, and you will lose it.... Mr. Burns : IN YOUR HOUSE!!! Dun du duuuuuuuuuuh! Within minutes, the Simpson house is filled with reporters, a small crowd, and a tiny ring that stands about five feet by five feet. Homer : I'm supposed to do the what now? Smithers : I'm sorry we had to do this Mr. Simpson. But we had no option. You *must* relinquish that belt! Homer : What belt? Smithers : The World Wrestling Federation Title! Homer : Oh... *that* belt. Why? Smithers : I... Smithers glances over at Vince, who's stopped by to watch. McMahon : It's not important. We work on a ratings first, questions later basis at the WWF. Homer : I don't even have the belt anymore! Smithers/McMahon : What? Homer : I sold it to some comic book guy. I forget his name. All eyes turn to the Sarcastic Comic Store Owner, standing in the corner of the room. SarcasticComicBookGuy : Do not look at *me*. I sold it away to a Mr. Kunze earlier today. All eyes turn to Herb. Smithers : Where's the belt Herb?! Kunze : I'm not telling you! It's been my lifelong dream to own that belt! Smithers : GIVE ME THE DAMN BELT! Smithers pounces. Kunze : NO! Get off me!! Don't make me lay the smackdown on your candy ass! Besides! I don't even have it. It's all a lie! Though I really, really want it.... Really I do. The comic guy giggles and runs. The back of his shirt reads "Online Onslaught". Hmmm.... Smithers : So I guess the whereabouts of the belt are a mystery. Is it worth going on? McMahon : We must punish Homer whether he has the belt or not! Smithers : Why? McMahon : Because he's a jackass! And because we've already produced these four seperate TV Guide covers with his portrait on. Vince pulls out a set of four magazines. Smithers : Nice snapshots. McMahon : Yes, we had Bill Apter fly in specially. Smithers : Bill Apter? Wow. The booming voice of Mr. Burns is heard. Mr. Burns : Isn't it time this show got rolling? I've got major corporate companies waiting by to mock this event on their late night cable shows! Get on with the damn boxing! The ring announcer climbs into the ring. Finkel : Welcome everyone to... tonight's show. Earlier this afternoon, the names of every Springfrield resident were written on small pieces of wood, and distributed around the Springfield Oil Rig. Two names were picked out by Springfield's own Krusty The Clown, and these two combatants will face each other in our opening contest! Principal Skinner vs An Empty Oil Drum Skinner : Now I hardly think it's fair for me to wrestle an oil drum. It doesn't have any shoulders! Edna Skinner : There you go again Spanky, always looking for excuses... Skinner : But mother! It's an oil dr- Edna Skinner : Just win or you're out of the family! Skinner frowns and circles the drum. It's staredown time, and it's Skinner who folds first. Attempting to flee from the ring, Seymour is confronted by the cold stare of his mother. Skinner : Very well, it's time to improvise. Pulling from his pockets a hacksaw, two bottles of superglue, a large amount of sandpaper, and a book entitled 'How to make a wrestling opponent out of an empty oil drum' (from the same company that brought you 'How to carry a broom to a four star match' by Ric Flair), Skinner sets to work. Four hours later... Skinner : Finished! A perfect resemblance of 'Dangerous' Devon Storm stands before the principal. Skinner : You know... Seymour lies down in the centre of the ring. Skinner : I think I'll just... sleep for a while... Unhappy with the lack of action, Meltzer throws a drinks can into the ring. It strikes Storm on the back of his head, sending him down. Luckily, he lands directly on Skinner, amazingly manages to hook the leg despite being an inanimate object, and gets the three count! ***Devon Storm defeated Principal Skinner*** After the match, Storm takes the microphone from Finkel. Storm : Thanks guys. I really couldn't have done it without the fans. Or that drinks can. I have to say, it's good to be alive. As the preparations for the second match begin, Marge enters the living room to distribute the food. Marge : Brownie cakes anyone. Mr Kunze? Kunze : Don't talk to me. Marge : Hmph. Marge retreats to the kitchen, where Lisa has managed to squeeze her way over to the Fridge. Marge : You know Lisa, considering this is a nationally televised event, you'd think people would be more polite. Lisa : Well, Mr. Kunze may not be the most social person here, but he brings his good points. For one, his presence means that for the first time ever, neither Vince McMahon or Mr. Burns is the most evil person in their vicinity. Bret : Ugh, this kitchen is so fucking crowded. Lisa : Bret : Kiss my ass little girl. As Smithers watches Principal Skinner be bashed by his mother, his cellphone rings. It's Burns, from the Tower. Mr. Burns : My goodness Smithers, this television show is atrocious! Call the whole thing off now, and send the goons for Homer Simpson. Smithers hangs up, and enters the ring. Smithers : Okay people, show's over. Everyone who's not off the property within five minutes *will* be destroyed. With the exception of the Simpsons. Most of the Simpsons. The huge group of people congregated within the Simpson home make their exit. Kunze : I cancelled bingo with mother for *this*?! Bret : I know how you feel. I'm a complete asshole too. Okay, so that one was just blatant. As the last non-Simpson files out, two of Mr. Burns' goons break in through the windows, grab Homer, and drag him out of the house. Marge : Mmmm. You know the door was *right there*. We're in Titan Tower. Homer's been strapped down to a chair in an empty room on the fourth floor of the building. He's scared and whimpering. Burns bursts in! Mr. Burns : Mr. Simpson. So glad you can join us. We have your belt, it was found in the jungle by a man named Reo. Homer : So what do you want? Mr. Burns : You see Homer, from instructions of Vince McMahon himself... I'm here to take you... Mr. Burns : MIND, BODY, AND SOUL!!! Homer screams. Homer : W-W-What are you gonna do? Mr. Burns : I'm going to bring you down... hahaha... into madness! You like Chandler dolls Homer? Oh, I bet you like them a lot. The door swings open again, and marching in come over a thousand walking, talking Chandler dolls. In unision, they begin to chant. COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME... Mr. Burns : Enjoy your journey Mr. Simpson... Mr. Burns : Your journey into insanity! Ahahaha... Homer screams again, as Burns leaves the room. Leaving Homer alone with 1000 chanting Chandler dolls. COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! COULD I *BE* ANY MORE ME?! Homer : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! [To Be Continued...] Later, on WCW Live... Borash : So Dave, you have the ratings? Scherer : Okay. Nitro posted a 1.8 composite, with the SWF coming in at, Hmm... 8.1. Borash : ... Ryder : ... Borash : ... Ryder : Well that's encouraging. Borash : What about that last segment Dave? Hogan/Rodman. Scherer : Okay... There were problems there... According to the Nielson's, only three people watched it. Borash : Hmmm. What did you think of the main event Bob? Ryder : I thought it was good. Certainly encouraging for the future. Borash : Interesting point. I have to agree, I thought it was great. What about you Mark? Madden : I thought it sucked. Lee Kelsall freelance Mail the Author Visit Lee's WWF Circuit |
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