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| Guest Columns | Lee Kelsall |
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THE SPRINGFIELD WRESTLING FEDERATION Episode 1: "The Saga Begins" The World Wrestling Federation is coming to town. *Despite* the protestations of Rev. Lovejoy, and numerous other members of Springfield's elite. Leaving Marge and the kids to cue at the office for tickets, Homer decides to go exploring the Springfield Arena. One sneaky entrance into a backdoor later, Homer's inside. Various wrestlers are seen in the background, and Homer looks around in awe until he trips on some idiot on all fours on the ground. McMahon : Oh, I'm sorry. Vince gets to his feet, then helps Homer up to *his*. McMahon : Why hello there. Homer : Well *that's* not gonna stop my ass from- What the hell were you doing on the floor? McMahon : It's my Springfield Community Service, cleaning out the arenas. The town never quite forgave me for letting the Warrior loose back in 89. Are you attending the show later tonight? Homer : Yeah, I- Someone in background : Hey! Someone took a shit in my bag! McMahon : Goddamnit, here comes another lawsuit. If Shamrock does this *one* more time, I'm sending him back to the UFC. See how many bags he shits in *then*. Homer, it was good to meet you, I hope you enjoy the show. McMahon starts to walk away. The rest of the Simpson family enter the scene. Bart : Wow Dad! You just met Vince McMahon! He's my idol. He's corrupted more youth than I ever dreamed to. Homer : Vince McMahon? Ah nuts, I thought it was Tom Bosley. The family starts to walk off. McMahon returns to view. McMahon : Wait! Homer! One of our security guards just got sick, I guess Shamrock got into the cafeteria too. Would you be willing to work as a guard here tonight? Homer : WooHoo! McMahon : So you'll do it? Homer : Yes sir! On one condition. Next time Richie Cunningham wants to stay out past 10 for a party, you BETTER DAMN WELL LET HIM! McMahon : Okay. Just as long as he doesn't bring home any more fucking aliens. Homer is told to wait by the arena door, and also keep an eye on the two dressing rooms of tonight's main eventers, Austin and the Undertaker. Uh oh, here come the protestors to the arena entrance. Written on Homer's 'allow to enter' sheet is the name Reverand Slick. Homer : Are you Rev. Slick? Lovejoy : No Homer, I'm Rev. Lovejoy. Homer looks at his sheet. It reads 'Rev. Slick' Homer looks at Rev. Lovejoy. Homer : You're Rev. Lovejoy? Lovejoy : Yes. Homer : Not Rev. Slick? Lovejoy : No. Homer looks at his sheet. It reads 'Rev. Slick'. Homer looks at Rev. Lovejoy. Homer : Slick? Lovejoy : No. Lovejoy. Homer looks at his sheet. It reads 'Rev. Slick'. Homer looks at Rev. Lovejoy. Homer : Rev... Lovejoy? Lovejoy : Yes. Homer looks at his sheet. It reads 'Rev. Slick'. Homer looks at Rev. Lovejoy. Homer : I guess you can go in. Lovejoy enters the arena, calling for his 10-strong band of religious followers in with him. The first guy tries to enter. Homer stops him, then looks at his sheet. Homer : Wait, are you... the Disciple? Lovejoy : They're *all* Disciples Homer. Homer looks at his sheet. Homer : I guess you can all go in. Lovejoy and his followers enter the building. The religious folk gather together next to Homer. Lovejoy : People, we are here today to put a stop to the evil contained within the walls of this building. We must protest against the evil that will be perpertrated against our town tonight. Homer : O-kay... Now, now which one of you did Beefcake? Disciple #8 : Wasn't that Shamrock? Lovejoy : The spirit of Satan himself has descended upon Springfield here tonight, and he has manifested himself in this display of violence! The prince of darkness is close! We must- Homer : Actually Mr. Slick, the prince of darkness is in room.... 2b. McMahon : Homer! Did you tell a bunch of religious crackpots that Mark Calloway was the lord of darkness?! Homer : Uh, I think so. McMahon : They brutalised the poor man! Camera cuts to the Undertaker, shivering and crying in the corner of the room. The words 'New[Testament] World Order' have been spraypainted onto him. McMahon : He's in *no* condition to fight. Homer, you *must* take on Austin tonight! Homer : But I don't know how to *wrestle*! I'm a security guard Vince, and I take PRIDE in my job! Now if you'll excuse me, *I* have a job to do. McMahon : Get back here Homer! Homer : Forget it! Screw you McMahon! McMahon : No Homer.... [cue ominous, dramatic music] Screw *you*! Cutting back to the doors of the arena, it looks like Bret Hart has taken over security. Lisa : Bret Hart! After all that happened, you're willing to work as Vince's security guard? Bret : Meh, I take what I can get. Plus I got this cool shirt! He pulls out a white t-shirt with the words 'I got screwed by Vince McMahon and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' written on the front and back. Bret : I thought it was pretty funny. Hey, I'll pay you five bucks if you listen to my Survivor Series story! Lisa : I... think my mom is calling me. MOM! Later in the day, we see Homer training to get into shape. Moe's his personal trainer, just like in the boxing episode, how's *that* for plagiarism?, and Homer starts to look great. Full of muscle, and toned and tanned to perfection. Moe : You know Homer, that Lee Majors guy is gonna be no match for you tonight. Homer pauses to dropkick an innocent bystander in the gym, then walks over to Moe. Homer : You're right Moe. I've never felt in better shape in my life. Watch *this*! Homer turns towards the guy he just dropkicked, who's now back on his feet. Homer dropkicks him again. Guy : Ow! Why do you keep DOING THAT?! Vince McMahon enters the gym. Homer : Ah, Mr McMahon. I'm in fighting form, ready to do the World Wildlife Fund proud. Vince : What are you talking about Homer? Wrestling isn't real, I'm asking you to throw the fight tonight, not win! Hmm, preferably we should have you losing within the opening minute... Homer : You mean I worked out for nothing? Why didn't you tell me? All that work... Vince : Hey, Vince McMahon didn't screw Homer Simpson, Homer Simpson screwed Homer Simpson. Homer's body returns to it's normal fat shape. Homer : Doh. The opentop arena is full, and the match is minutes away. We cut to outside the arena, where it seems Lovejoy and co. are now locked outside. Lovejoy looks up to the sky. Lovejoy : God, if you're listening, you must allow us into the arena, to put a stop to this blasphemous display here tonight. Nothing. Lovejoy : Oh lord above, please respond to our faith with a sign! Nothing. Lovejoy : Back inside, Mayor Quimby is about ready to do the introductions. Austin's in one corner, and Homer and Moe stand in the other. Quimby : Ladies and er, gentlemen. It is now er, time for the main event of this World Wildlife Fund event. McMahon [at ringside] : Isn't there a damn person in this god forsaken town that knows what our letters *actually* stand for?! Quimby : And may I just say before we er, begin, let's all hope the 6 million dollar man wins the title here tonight. [big cheesy grin] Austin : Jesus H. Christ, for the last time, I'm not *that* Steve Austin, jackass. That's not even my real name, for crying out loud. Call me Steve Williams. Quimby : Dr Death? Austin : Oh you know Steve [beep]in' Wil- In the crowd, Dr. Nick Riviera jumps to his feet. Nick : Dr. Death Kavorkian is here? He's a-my hero! I based a-my whole medical career on his famous cases! Guy next to Dr. Nick : Your *whole* medical career? A police siren is heard in the distance. Nick : Oops! Gotta go! Nick makes a quick exit, as the bell rings to start the world title match. But wait! Reverend Lovejoy hits the ring via parachute! Lovejoy : People people! This display of barbarity is un-christian! If you study your bibles you will see that this display of aggression is evil! Evil! Austin : Well what about Austin 3:16? Moe : Yeah, he's gotcha there, Reverend. A three-six-teen chant breaks out in the arena. Lovejoy : I don't know exactly what *bible* you're refering t- Mayor Quimby : Let the er- fight begin! WWF Heavyweight Championship Homer Simpson vs 'StoneCold' Steve Austin [c] Homer's pretty calm, he knows this is worked, and he'll just go with the flow. But when Austin flashes a quick grin over to Vince, Homer's smile drops a little. Austin goes into to lock up, and the champion then shoves Homer down hard to the canvas. Simpson gives a nervous little laugh and gets to his feet, but when Austin then clocks him with a lariat, he smells somethings up. He crawls over to his corner. Homer : Moe, somethings wrong! He's really beating on me! Moe : Oh gee, you think so? You do? You think he might start shooting? Homer : Well, I don't *think* that's a shotgun in his trunks. Moe : Oh boy. Gee, I er... Okay. Just a sec. Moe walks off, and Homer goes back to face Austin again. Vince looks on smiling as Austin ends up picking Homer up and slamming him down to the canvas. Moe : Okay Homer. Here goes. Grampa : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH! Did Moe just throw Grampa Simpson into the ring? Abe slowly gets to his feet. Grampa : What the why the who the... Where am I? Surveying the inside of the ring, Abe's eyes light up as he sets them on Austin. Grampa : Ooh! You remind me of that bald man I once found in my house! It was the usual mix up, 'cos you see back then, houses had no numbers, you see? What they did was see, they used codenames for the houses. I remember *my* old house was called the chicken nest. "I live in the chicken nest" is what you'd say. But you see though, in those days, *all* the houses were called chicken nest, and all the streets were called breakfeast tables, which I never understood. So you see, I had to ride my bicycle to the post office to fix the mistake. A bicycle, which back then was called an express train, which had one flat tire. But I rode it, and headed to the mail depository. Along the way, I stopped off at the candy store, to purchase... a snack treat. Realising I had left my wallet at the chicken nest, I proceeded to trade my trouser belt for a dimes supply of jelly beans. Of course, back then, a dime was called a *quarter*, and jelly beans were *magic* beans from the land of the talking birds. So I planted my beans in the backyard, with the help of the bald man, and stood back to watch them grow. It was- Austin is asleep! Grampa bored Austin into unconsciousness! The referee checks the arm once, twice, thrice! Homer wins! Homer Simpson defeated Steve Austin (Homer Simpson won the WWF World Heavyweight Title) It's an hour after the show. Homer, with the title belt over his shoulder, is backstage with his family. McMahon shows up, weeping. McMahon : You ruined me, you son of a bitch, you ruined me! Homer : What did *I* do? McMahon : As soon as they Homer : Oh... *I* see. You want an autograph right? McMahon : Homer, it's my goal to make your life a living hell! You ruined my career... I just got off the phone with my wife... You've destroyed my marriage... You've ruined my life! I'm gonna have to become a security guard... Vince nearly collapses, he's crying *that* much. McMahon : But don't you worry Homer... I'll get my revenge. I'm gonna rebuild the World Wrestling Federation... And you know what? Homer : No, what? McMahon : I'm gonna do it... RIGHT HERE IN SPRINGFIELD! You know what else? I'm gonna use... SPRINGFIELD PEOPLE! I already have a president in line to make things tick... I'll admit it's been a busy hour... A small figure in a long black cloak and hood slowly approaches Homer and Vince. McMahon : Homer... I introduce to you... the man who will destroy you... Not only destroy you, but take that title too... I give you... McMahon : MR. BURNS!!! Homer's shocked. He's so taken aback that he drops both the title belt and his hot dog on the floor. The tomato sauce splatters everywhere. McMahon : Oh great. Now I have to clean up your fucking hotdog as well. DAMN YOU HELLWIG! Burns cackles. Burns : Ah yes. hahaha. As president of the World Wildlife Fund, I'm going to have a lot of pleasure here. hahaha. Yes. A lot of pleasure indeed. Because you see Mr... erm... Mr... McMahon : Simpson. Burns : Ah yes. Mr. *Simpson*. You see Mr Simpson, you may have that title tonight, but tomorrow... is another day. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! To Be Continued.... Lee Kelsall freelance Mail the Author Visit Lee's WWF Circuit |
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