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Timothy Joyce

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MST3K + WRESTLING

Recently, several web sites have attempted to combine the two obsessions of internet nerds everywhere: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and professional wrestling. While these attempts were fairly amusing, I think they failed to capture the true essence of the show. So I offer my own interpretation for your perusal:

Tony: Welcome to Nitro! This could go down in history as the greatest Nitro of All Time!!!
Mike (as Tony): And unlike the other 1,243,508,993 other times I said the exact same thing, this time I really, really, REALLY mean it!

(Hollywood Hogan and Bischoff come down the aisle)
Crow: IT'S STING!!!!!!!
Mike: Uh, that's not Sting, Crow.
Crow: You sure? It could be him.
Mike: Well, it's not.
Bischoff: We love you people!!!!
Tom Servo: But mainly we love your money!
Mike: When you're nWo, you're nWo until Bischoff fires your ass.
Crow: Maybe it's Sting disguised as Hogan...
Mike and Tom Servo: IT'S NOT STING!!!

Hogan: Let me tell you something, brother!
Crow: Hey, Mike Boulder's here? Cool!

(Scott Hall walks out)
Crow: IT'S STING!!
Mike: That's not Sting! Will you stop that?!?
Crow: Sorry.
Tom Servo: He's from Minnesota, but he's tan and speaks with a Cuban accent......works for me!
Scott Hall: Hey yo, survey time. Are ya here to see WCW, or are you here to see the nWo?
Mike: I'm actually here to see Fit Finley and Marty Jannetty.
Tom Servo: I came to see those riveting Gene Okerlund interviews.
Crow: We want Bloom and Enos!!! We want Bloom and Enos!!!

Tony: The nWo is still the strongest force in wrestling today...
Tom Servo: Wait, I thought the strongest force in wrestling was Dusty Rhodes's belt.
Crow: No, it's the glue that holds Vince McMahon's toupee on.
Mike: You're both wrong, it's Larry Zbyszko's ego.
Crow and Tom Servo: Ohhhhhh....

(During a Konan v/s a luchadore match)
Mike Tenay: And that was a El Pelcuia Atzecio Grande de Supremo Plancha from the second rope!

Mike: That's Spanish for "armbar."
Crow: Did ya ever get the feeling that if there was no such thing as professional wrestling, Mike Tenay would be working in the shoe department at Sears?
Tenay: Konan has a great following Mexico and once starred in a Spanish novela...
Crow: The Bald and the Beautiful?
Mike: One Job To Give?
Tom Servo: Search For My Dignity?
Mike: All My Luchadores?
Crow: I got it! The Jobbed and the Hairless!

(Nitro Girls come out and dance)
Crow: Mike, which one is Tootie?
Tom Servo: Crow, you idiot! It's the Solid Gold Dancers!
Mike: Something tells me that somewhere, somehow, all of these women are going to be on Match Game 2025, right next to Urkel and a computer-generated Kitty Carlisle...

Randy Savage: Brotherbrotherbrotherbrotherbro-tha!
Tom Servo: Leapin' Lanny Popoff? Where?

Gene Okerlund:...and I can't talk about it here, so call me on the hotline, NOW!
Mike: You know, if there was no pro wrestling, this guy would be Tenay's assistant at Sears.

(High Voltage comes out to wrestle)
Crow: IT'S...IT'S TWO STINGS!!!!!!!
Mike and Tom Servo: CROW!
Crow: Oh. My mistake.

(The Disciple comes to the ring, gives Luger the Stunner)
Crow: You know, this reminds me of that "Lucy Show" episode where she and Viv tried to meet Bob Cummings...
Tom Servo: How so?
Crow: They both SUCKED!
Mike: Now guys, Ed worked very hard on this gimmick. He stayed up all night gluing that beard on...

(Sting comes to the ring. Mike and Tom look at Crow)
Mike: Well?
Crow: Well WHAT?
Tom Servo: Oh, never mind!
Mike: I can't believe it...
Crow: What?

Tony: We're outta time!! See you on Thunder!
Mike: (as Tony) I know it wasn't really the greatest Nitro of All Time, but next week will be! I promise! Believe me! I swear it!
Tom Servo: They expand to three hours, and yet they still run out of time every week....works for me!!
Crow: MY GOD, IT'S STI...
Mike and Tom Servo: No, Crow.
Tom Servo: It's over, Crow. Forget it.
Mike: You missed your chance. Just let it go. Stop it.
Crow: Oh.

(Kevin Kelly in the ring)
Crow: So THAT'S what happened to Mikey!
Mike: (deep voice) The World's Biggest Twelve-Year Old...
(KEE-RASH!!! Steve Austin comes out)
Crow: Hey, how would you like to have this guy waiting on you at Denny's?
Mike: (as Austin's thoughts) Scowl, scowl, look mean, scowl, swagger, swagger, look mean, scowl...
(Austin goes to each ring post, raises arms)
Tom Servo: He's just showing everyone how well his new antiperspirant is working.

(Kane sets the camera operator on fire)
ALL: Ooooooooh...
Tom Servo: For my next trick, I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience...

(Bill Goldberg comes out)
Mike: Just what we were waiting for: a bald psychopath in tiny, upsetting shorts.

(Vince McMahon (heel) comes out to boos)
Mike: Hi, I'm Bob Evil.
Crow: You know, the guy owns a million-dollar company, yet he buys his clothes at K-Mart, go figure.
Tom Servo: There must have been a two-for-one sale at "Al's Wig Barn."

(Luger racks a jobber)
Tom Servo: Wow. Didn't see THAT coming.

(Shawn Michaels and Hunter Hearst Helmsley interview)
Tom Servo: (deep voice) The lost Hanson brothers.

(Los Boriquas come out to wrestle)
Mike: Meundo: The Later Years.
Crow: What's "boriqua" mean, anyway?
Tom Servo: I think it's Spanish for "jobber."
Mike: Well, that's convenient...

(Vader comes out)
Mike: This guy is like every driver's education teacher I've ever had...

(Ric Flair is in his boxers on Nitro)
Mike: You know, it's nice to see that after all that turmoil, Ric has retained his dignity...
Servo: Sooooooo, he wears Armani suits, but he buys his shorts at WalMart?
Crow: Yeah, that's a puzzler....

(The Giant screws up and throws Warrior out of the ring as the smoke fills the ring)
Tony:Uh...they obviously threw him out so he couldn't escape...

Mike: (as Tony) Uh, yeah, that's the ticket.
Servo: (as Bischoff) You know, the cost of that dry ice is coming out of your check, Paul!

(The Undertaker "inducts" Dennis Knight into the Ministry of Darkness)
UT:... and from henceforth, you now will be called Minion...

Tom Servo: You know, I'm not sure, but I think this guy might be evil.
Mike: No, get out of here!
Servo: No, really! I mean, I wasn't sure before, but I-I got a sneaking suspicion that he's supposed to be evil.
Crow: Are you sure? I'm not convinced.
Mike: Yeah, sure, making someone drink your blood and carving symbols into their chest may be a bit rude, but evil? I think you may have gotten the wrong message here, Servo.
Servo: Yeah, maybe you're right....

Warrior: Speak to me, War-ee-ahs!!
Mike: Uh, could we get back to you on that?

(Stevie Ray pulls out the slapjack during Wargames.)
Crow: Oh my god, he's got Lee Marshall's Odor-Eater! He'll kill us all! Run!

(Mark Henry is covered in whipped cream in his boxers...)
Crow: Well, there goes MY sex drive...thanks a lot, Vince.

Konnan: I'm gonna be up your behinds like a pair of tight jeans.
Servo: Oh, jeez, thanks for THAT image, Konnan!!

Luger: Rey Mysterio, you're no bigger than my.......leg.
Mike, Servo, Crow: Oooooooooh!!!!
Crow: I bet he'll shove an old lady next.

(Hogan and Nash prepare to "fight" on Nitro)
Tony: This is what WCW is all about!!
(Hogan pokes Nash in the chest, Nash falls down and lets Hogan pin him)

Servo: Truer words were never spoken...
Mike: Hey, I'm beginning to think this wrestling stuff is fixed.
Crow: No Mike, that was the dreaded Brazilian Inverted Atomic Chest Press! The most dangerous move in professional wrestling history! It's banned in 40 countries! It's a lethal move, Mike! Lethal! Nash is lucky to be alive!! HOGAN IS THE GREATEST WRESTLER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT!!! HE...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Sorry, went Schiavone there for a minute. Won't happen again.

Ernest Miller: Somebody call my mama, I just beat the Armstrongs!
Mike: Uh, we tried, but she said she didn't want to talk to you. Oh yeah, she also said something about you being adopted.

Timtohy Joyce
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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission