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Guest Columns | John C. |
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THE JOHN REPORT The World's Greatest SuperBrawl Preview Banner Update: That's the look we are going to use from now on. We have added Headcheese as well as the human llama himself, Hulk "I put more people to sleep than Dr. Kevorkian" Hogan. To confirm the rumors out there, it is true that drq really does have a llama so send llama comments his way. John: It's that time once again for your favorite PPV preview team to take a look at WCW's latest spectacular "SuperBrawl." This Sunday's event is easily the least anticipated PPV in North America in a long time. As Bart Simpson would say, this is going to be "craptacular." I will be honest with you when I say that the main reason I am previewing this event is because I have previewed every PPV since WrestleMania (except Fall Brawl for personal reasons) so I have a streak to continue. On paper this event does not look good and on screen I have a feeling it could only get worse. This preview is written by "the only man who bathes a llama in his bathtub" drqshadow and John "I was named after a toilet" C. Rather than write a lot in this preview we will make it short (and VERY sarcastic!) and now I'll hand it over to my llama loving buddy. Bake 'em away toys... drq: And bake them I shall, believe you me. I'll be blunt; I'd take my chances as a chocolate rabbit running through a Jenny Craig weight-loss camp before I'd willingly watch this ensemble. All the usual suspects have wormed their way back to the lid of the bowl again, as this one sees the main event returns of Hogan, Flair, Sid, an 'injured' Kevin Nash and Lex Luger. Further down the card we've got a glint in the Vampiro/Kidman matchup, but I'd bet both men are beyond giving it their all following their cumulative 'de-push' of late. Seeing as how I'm of the belief it's wrong to kick a dead horse, I'll do my best to keep these predictions to a minimum. Thank me later. It's been said all good things must come to an end, but that won't keep me from lamenting the fall of what was once a strong promotion. John, are you still awake? John: Mmmmm chocolate rabbit. Yeah I'm still awake and boy am I glad that I live a block away from that liquor store. DRQ, remember to scrub Maurice the llama everywhere because he likes to be clean not like you. Rather than look at the card I want to take a look at some fixation that WCW management seems to have with the word "Big." I'll admit that names in wrestling have been bad everywhere you look but never before has one company used the same word in the names of several wrestlers. Looking at this card in the past I have noticed the names of some of the people wrestling in WCW lately. Take a look at this if you will: You have "Big T" who is really only big around the waist. He's the kind of guy who would steal your lunch and talk at you in gibberish cause nobody has understood a word that this guy has said in like three years. Then you have "Big Al." Now THAT has to be the most creative name of all time. When they decided to put an adjective in front of Vito they figured, hmmm, let's just use "Big" since no other word seems to be in their vocabulary. One of the Harris Boys - aka Ratings Death - is called Big Ron. WCW smartened up though; they pulled out a thesaurus and came up with "Heavy D" for his brother. They also say "Big Sid Vicious" almost every time his name is mentioned too so we can add him to the list. Those are five people that have the word "Big" in their name. I'd throw in Scott Steiner aka Big Poppa Pump too but he may be gone so I'll leave him out. I think WCW's head booker Kevin Sullivan needs a nick name too, how about BIG LOSER! Yeah I know that was not creative but it's probably enough to get a job with WCW. Either that or I can be a drunk like Scott Hall and headline a PPV. I'm sure Turner is proud, oh check that, I'm sure "Big" Turner is proud. Okay I'm done ranting for now, let's take a look at this PPV and I promise the writeups will be shorter than normal. This just in: James Brown may make an appearance at Superbrawl with Ernest Miller. This just in: If you think James Brown is a draw in the year 2000 you have more problems than a bartender trying to tell Scott Hall that he has had enough drinks. If we seem bitter it is because WE ARE bitter therefore we will use sarcasm to disguise our bitterness. Here she blows (If you are offended by those three words you need to relax)... drq: Hey, my roommate's nickname is "Big Al"! Does that make me partly responsible for the woes of this horrid card? Hell.. let's put this out of it's misery. If you would like to mail us you can do so by clicking down there. All mail is welcome even from those people who think The Wall vs. The Demon will be a five star match.
John: Who's the face and who's the heel? Better question, who cares? Pass the whiskey honey, I'll be drinking on Sunday. Winner: The Wall
John: Finally Big Al has come back to PPV! First of all, Tank Abbott is not tough because he was suspended from the UFC, he's an idiot because he was suspended. He may be tough but it's not because he was suspended by the company he worked for. Is Mike Tyson tough because he bit a man's ear off? No, he's another idiot. Big Al will prove that his name should be "Big Jobber" or "Please get off my TV" before this night is done. Tank wins with a right cross because he's too stupid to learn a wrestling hold. I would never say that to his face though so let's keep that between you and me. Winner: Tank Abbott
John: Why are there so many handicap matches in wrestling these days? The WWF and WCW have way too many of these matches especially ones that don't involve one big guy and two jobbers. This is a very dumb match to have right now because Norman deserves a win and Three Count should not be jobbing to one guy. I guess Norman will lose so WCW can say he's tough by competing against three guy. It's a stupid move because people actually LIKE Norman. If Three Count jobs their future may not be so bright. Winner: 3 Count
John: This match happened at some PPV in '99 and it sucked hard back then. What makes me believe that it won't suck hard this time around? Absolutely nothing. Triple B can be good but he's unmotivated right now and frankly who could blame him? This will be a mediocre match featuring a lot of huffing from Brian Knobs and just like most of the matches on the card there will be very little heat. Too bad Knobs does not have a broken arm for real huh? Winner: "Big" Bam Bam Bigelow (I flipped a coin and he won)
John: I am pretty confident that Booker T. (fuck WCW, he will always be BT to me) will win this match and I really hope he makes the bookers realize just how good he is. If WCW was smart he would be headlining PPVs by now because he has been as popular as anybody in WCW except Goldberg for the past three years. The only guy in WCW that I really like is Booker T. and if he weren't a part of the roster the only reason I'd watch WCW is because of their women. It's vital that he wins this match cleanly and easily because he is SO MUCH better than Fat Boy and Fruity Booty Ray. If WCW pushed people that fans actually cared about they wouldn't be in such a bad shape. Why not reward a guy who has given seven years of his life to the company and is loved by marks and smarks everywhere? Is it because he's black or is it because he's the nicest guy in the business? No matter the reason, the bottom line is this guy needs to be elevated quickly and if he's not then WCW is going nowhere. Winner: Booker
John: Gather around kids, we need to cheer Lash Leroux because he has "L" shaped sideburns. Waylon Mercy had a better gimmick than the Prince for fuck sakes. This is WCW though so Prince wins the belt because he is friends with Sullivan. Leroux isn't much better which shows just how bad the WCW Crusierweight has gotten. I hope Mysterio, Juvi and Psychosis jump to ECW or the WWF cause they aren't going to get a good match out of this crap. Blah. Winner: Prince Nakamaki
John: This is going to be the best match of the night and probably the only one that can reach ***. Of course, WCW will probably overbook it and give it less than ten minutes so it will not reach that level. Both of these guys are talented but there is not much of a feud here and if Torrie were not there I doubt people would care. I'll take Kidman to win this one just because WCW seems to push him more while Vampiro gets de-pushed again. Oh well, at least he's free of the ICP and the Misfits but that's still not good enough for a push. You have to like Vampiro because if anybody is going to shoot on Hogan backstage or in a match it will be this guy. Now that Eddy's gone Vamp is my second favorite in WCW behind Booker T. and just like Booker T. he's headed nowhere cause he's not a suck up. Since Vampiro does not have a band with him we can expect WCW to use Hanson as a way to get Vampiro over cause wrestling fans would love those damn kids! Holy sarcasm Batman! Winner: Kidman
John: I've never been to Italy but I've been to Greece several times. In Greece we would call it a "Souvlaki Stretcher Match" with a the winners having a feast on black olives and feta cheese. DRQ is right, Crowbar is definitely a star on the rise but the other three are nothing special right now. Flair could be good, Johnny is still green and Vito just doesn't have enough skills to be considered more than mediocre. I'll take Crowbar and Flair although I still am confused as to which team is the face team cause both teams act like heels in interviews and in matches. How many times has this match happened in the last two months? I'm not counting but it has happened more than enough times for my tastes. One thing is for sure, Daffney will be screaming and so will some of the people watching. Winners: Crowbar and David Flair
John: The combined age in this match is 105 years old but they are still nearly 30 years younger than Mae Young so I guess youth is on their side. Flair is the greatest wrestler ever and Funk is a guy who tries just as hard as anybody in the business. The problem here is that WCW is forcing the fans to cheer Funk even though we want Flair. As great as Flair is, he truly has lost a step and he's not the same man who could carry a chair to a ****+ but that is the aging process. There is a chance this could be match of the night and it shows the current state of WCW where two of their better performers are in their 50s. I'll disagree with DRQ and go with Flair just cause he will be with WCW for the long term while Funk's stay is pretty much finished. Winner: Ric Flair
John: Hogan wins because the bookers in WCW are too chickenshit to book the guy a loss. To quote a man not good enough to be a star in WCW, some bald guy named Steve Austin: "That's all I gotta say about that!" Winner: Hulk "I beat up women for all my Hulkamaniacs" Hogan
John: Everybody should know that the term "drinky drinky" that DRQ uses was coined my two year old son. The only difference is my son Daniel drinks apple juice and not any form of alcohol like Scott Hall. I wonder if Jeff Jarrett is really happy that he left the WWF? Sure he's getting a world title shot on a PPV but this event will go down as the worst PPVs ever unless some miracle happens and they bring in somebody that people ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN about. I am going to guess that all three of the men (squirrels in Sid's case) in this match show up but I doubt any of them will walk away as champion after Monday night. You know why? Because the yellow llama Hulk Hogan is active again and as long as he's active he will have the world title. Do you really think Hogan is going to sit back and let either of these three be the WCW champ? Actually, I think the Hogan match will be the main event on this card so he can steal the thunder from the others like he usually does. Anyway, I'll say Sid wins this but I think it is a safe bet that the yellow llama is the champion after Nitro. Look at the title match you will see this Sunday and then tune in to No Way Out the next week and see how much better the WWF is. It starts at the top and unless WCW finds themselves a champion that fans actually like things will only get worse. Winner: Sid
John: (Using a VERY sarcastic tone in his voice) Well you know something brother, all the Hulkamaniacs out there are saying their prayers and taking their vitamins in anticipation for this one brother. Hulk Hogan thinks he is the most popular man in the business, he has to be right doesn't he? The great Hulk Hogan would not lie to us would he? Damn, I wish somebody would slap me right now I must be hallucinating. So DRQ, what are your thoughts on the current situation in WCW? drq: After it's all said and done, WCW's in one hell of a pit. If they don't quit digging themselves further and further in, they won't be able to claw their way back up (assuming it's not already too late). Looking for a bit of comedy? Take a look at the buyrate they're bound to collect here. And I'm spent. Take us home, John.. John: Like I said in the opening, I have previewed every PPV since WrestleMania '99 and after over 20 of these I would have to say that is one is the worst of them all. A lot of the PPVs have been bad but usually WCW had someone like Benoit, Guerrero, Juvi or Rey to save it but they are not at this event so who's going to save it? Kidman and Vampiro are good but they have a long way to go before they are at the level of the guys I just mentioned. I will tape this show (I have a box, there's now way I'd pay $30 for this) and watch it on Monday if I have 45 minutes to kill cause I know that's how long I'll need to see it all. Hopefully Miss Hancock can make some sort of an appearance cause she's one of the few bright spots that WCW has these days. We did not write this to bash WCW, we wrote it as honestly as we could even though there are more than a few sprinkles of sarcasm throughout this. If you have any comments feel free to mail us cause we would be more than happy to reply to you. If you actually watch Superbrawl remember to take a trip to the liquor store cause you definitely are going to need it. Some of you are underage so an excuse you can use is that you are trying to be like your idol Scott Hall because I'm sure he'll be downing a few too. Have a great weekend and don't drink and drive.
Until next time, we'll smell ya later, |
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