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Man, I'm RIPPING OFF CRZ. Let's get this thing started!
Dedication: to Christopher Robin "Pooh" Zimmerman "Dylan".
If you're new to "the JF Experience," a long-time reader yearning for the
chance to relive some golden (ha) moments, or you currently ask yourself
"who the hell is this guy and what's he talking about?" then perhaps this
document will be to your liking.
What follows are the "highlights" from 128 reports about - and something
like 816 1/2 hours spent reading - the wwf.com Ross Report as we know it,
or rather knew it, back in 2000.
Thanks to the following people for scouring through my words to choose what
made them sit up and notice: (in no particular order)
Mr. JF.
If I missed your name, PLEASE harangue me about it - I think I got
everybody but who can say. After a while everything turns blurry.
Thanks also (grudgingly) to the folks at TheWholeJF'NShow, and --
Hey wait a minute. That would just be me again.
Yes, I have started a site of my own. It's good that I remembered to tell
you. From now on, the Notes from the Ross Report will appear there and only
there; That is to say, not on Delphi, and not on [slash]. (There is even a
new one there right now -- Go read! But wait until after you're done with
this piece.) I love Chris with all my nose, but that's just how it's gonna
be.
I will probably do some stuff for the [slash] every now and then, still. As
a matter of fact, I am doing that right now! What follows, if you didn't
already understand it from the above gibberish, is selected quotes from the
NftRR (wherein I report on the Ross Report) of 2000.
Luna Vachon and Glen Kulka have both been released. Now let's never speak
of them ever again.
Notes from the Ross Report 18.02.2000
"Look for Bradshaw on CNBC Monday morning, Feb. 28 to discuss his success
in the stock market. This tough Texan is one smart business man who has
attained excellent results in "the market". The WWF once had a TV writer
who felt that because Bradshaw was "from the South and sounded like it"
that no one could or would believe he had any intelligence. Who's the real
dumbass in that philosophy?" It's Russo! Russo's the dumbass! Russo!
Dumbass! Russo the dumbass! Vince "Dumbass" Russo!!!
Notes from the Ross Report 18.02.2000
J.R.'s BBQ sauce is coming in June of this year.
Notes from the Ross Report 18.02.2000
The Rock's appearance on Saturday Night Live will happen two weeks before
WrestleMania. It's Dwayne's World! Dwayne's World! Party Time! Excellent!
Notes from the Ross Report 18.02.2000
"Bad Ass" Billy Gunn will need surgery for his shoulder injury, and will
be out for 3-4 months. This is exactly what happens to wrestlers who go
all-out in every match, trying to please the fans with big moves and
difficult stunts. It also happens to people like Mr. Ass.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.03.2000
A one hour version of SmackDown will be airing in Russia, starting in
June. Layinski the Smackinski Downski!
Notes from the Ross Report 03.03.2000
Lots and lots of autobiographies being written by wrestlers, but it'll be
hard to top Foley's book. Watch out for Eric Bischoff's "Have a Million
Dollars - A Tale of Blood and Checkbooks", Tito Santana's "Have a
Stereotyped Gimmick - A Tale of Blood and Armlocks", and DDP's "Have a
Scummy Day, A Tale of Scum and Scumscum".
Notes from the Ross Report 03.03.2000
Mark Henry is fat.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.03.2000
WWF house shows continue to sell out rapidly. Just like Internet writers.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
The details of the Rock's appearance on Saturday Night Live are being
discussed with Loren Michaels, as J.R. calls him. . .
"So Loren, how about if I --. . ."
"Actually, my name isn't Loren, it's --. . ."
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!"
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
More lies from the web: Busty Blonde EMT Lady has not gotten her release.
She hasn't even hooked up her freaks to a leash.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
The Warrior vs WWF trial is over. The Warrior won the rights to continue
to be a roided up nutcase who makes up words as he speaks.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
Mick Foley will at least write another book, and will likely be involved
in a few other projects. I think a children's show starring Mr. Socko would
be nice. . . Just some of the episodes could be: "Mr. Socko learns German
from Herr Lederhosen", "Mr. Socko & Seņor Jock Strap; Two Smelly Friends",
and the R-rated season's finale: "Mr. Socko meets Miss Wonderbra". Pure
gold!
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
In J.R.'s mind, Triple-H is the MVP of the WWF superstars at the moment.
He'll start painting his face white and wearing a baseball outfit very soon.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.24.2000
Jim gets excited when he hears about the high ratings the WWF gets.
Tuesdays must be fun for Mrs Ross.
Notes from the Ross Report 03.13.2000
On the finish of the WrestleMania main event: "Have I seen all four
combatants have better physical outings? Absolutely. Did all four give you
great effort? Yes. Were any of them lazy? No!" I assume he's talking about
the McMahons.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.07.2000
Davey Boy Smith is at home in Calgary, rested before his WWF return in a
few weeks. Both he and his wife look both ways before crossing the street.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.07.2000
Mick Foley will return to WWF TV in a non-wrestling role in the future.
He is currently working on a children's book which will be illustrated by
Jerry Lawler. The preliminary title is "The Boy Who Cried Puppies in an
Annoying, High-Pitched Voice".
Notes from the Ross Report 04.07.2000
Brian Christopher won't return to action for a month or so, but will be
back on the road this weekend. Why would he want to be on the road, someone
might run him over! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Homage to Eliott.)
Notes from the Ross Report 04.14.2000
The British Bulldog is training in Calgary, waiting for a return date to
be set. One very efficient exercise is running in the streets and trying to
avoid being run over by bitter brothers-in-law with greasy hair.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.14.2000
Steven Regal's doing really well in Memphis, and rarely urinates on
people without their permission anymore.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.14.2000
The Rock will be in London and Morocco from May 7-12, filming the Mummy
II. He'll play the part of the Scorpion King. Thank your lucky stars that
it's not a WCW wrestler in that spot, or you'd be seeing Pyramid Cage
matches main event pay-per-views.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
The Rock, along with New York Mets' Mike Piazza, will be on the cover of
USA Today Weekend Magazine. Thank your lucky stars that it's not a WCW
wrestler in that spot, or Piazza would be wrestling in that Pyramid Cage.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
Edge and Christian are looking for homes in Florida. They are housebroken
and very cuddly.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
Both the Benoit vs Jericho and the Edge/Christian vs Road Dogg & X Pac
matches should deliver the goods. Reports say that Benoit and Jericho are
being pressured to produce at least a four star match, while X-Pac & Road
Dogg are being pressured to please guys, just for one night, lay off the
bong, OK? Guys?
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
APA and Tazz merchandise is selling well. Which is ironic, when you think
about it.
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
It's time! It's time! It's BJotW time!
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
"You know, if Jim keeps giving out blowjob pushes this often, they'll
cease to mean something. Really."
Notes from the Ross Report 04.21.2000
Tazz will be out of action for a while. If the injured bicep needs
surgery, he'll be out for at least three months; if not, six weeks. Tazz
was just beginning to get ajusted to wrestling people three feet taller
than him, and was progressing along nicely in efforts to enter the ring
without using a ladder. His tenure so far hasn't quite reached up to
expectations (because the expectations were higher up than four feet, and
he's not tall enough), but he has stayed relatively positive, making his
locker room nickname "Happy" instead of "Grumpy". The merchandise,
especially the T-shirts for three to five year-olds he himself has
frequently worn to the ring, has done very well and he's found a place in
the locker room. The place is inside a locker, and he's made himself quite
a cozy little hangout in there. He is being treated by the New York Mets'
doctor, by the way, who appreciates the challenge of treating someone the
size of a hamster.
Notes from the Ross Report 05.05.2000
Something about "Trish", "ride", and "wood". I don't know exactly what, I
wasn't paying attention.
Notes from the Ross Report 05.05.2000
TAKA and The Big Sho Funaki have re-signed, which is great news from
where J.R. sits. As gross as it is to type, I guess you could say that I'm
sitting in Jimbo's lap for this one. Metaphorically speaking.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.09.2000
Speaking of Michaels (And when are we not? When he disappears for months
on end?)
Notes from the Ross Report 06.09.2000
The Undertaker is still not 100%, but unless you're thirteen, spending
eight months at home doing nothing but attending to your pulled groin just
gets too boring.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.09.2000
"Creative thoughts are being devoted to Terri, Kat, Jackie and Ivory."
Damn right they are!
Notes from the Ross Report 06.09.2000
Scott Vick is trying to become pals with people in the locker room. Once
he befriends the right people, he'll get on TV. He reminds Jimbo of the
late Rick Rude. Works stiff, I presume.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.09.2000
Rikishi and Too Cool shot their Crunch 'n Munch TV commercial in Chicago
Wednesday. They crunch! And munch! And munch and munch and crunch! Munch
munch munch! Crunch crunch crunch! The fat-assed Samoan show!
Notes from the Ross Report 06.16.2000
WrestleMania hype already? Apparently so, as Houston will experience lots
of "WrestleMania-oriented activities" for a July 1st show. Another hot
Texas sellout! Like Terry Funk!
Notes from the Ross Report 06.16.2000
Bob Holly broke his arm after taking Kurt Angle's moonsault and still
finished the match. He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Holly could be a
top-level performer in the WWF, sez J.R. But he won't.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.30.2000
Tori took the ride through the table at the KotR even though she suffered
a separated shoulder the night before in MSG, meaning that. . . She's
hardcore! She's hardcore! Not in the manner that some of you (dirty
perverts!) might hope, but still, she's hardcore! Unless the shoulder's
plastic as well.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.30.2000
"Looks like Chris Benoit is headed towards a shot at The Rock in the next
few weeks." Looks like Herb Kunze is headed towards an ejaculation.
Notes from the Ross Report 06.30.2000
Hardcore "Thurman" Holly's arm is still broken, and we'll be without the
bestest dropkick in the business for at least three months. He'll return to
TV before that, though, doing nothing. He neglected to have his arm set or
take any pain killers the night it was broken, making him either tough as
nails or dumb as Nailz, I don't know which. Be like Hardcore Holly, kidz:
Just say "no" to drugs.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Tori's got a tear in the labrum cornholio magnamus danglibang, which is
tissue that controls the humorous in the shoulder, whatever the hell that
is. She hurt her funny bone, I guess.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Big Fat Mothafuckin' Vis has been cleared to return to the ring after his
big fat mothafuckin' shoulder separation.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
J.R., Jerry "The Perv" Lawler, The Kat, and Chyna will be at the VSDA
awards in Vegas this weekend. VSDA stands for Ve Said Dis Already. Last
week, actually.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Let's go back to talking about Paul Wight again. He's tall. He's big.
Some may even say that he's fat.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Brag, brag, brag. WWF events sell out quicker than ECW wrestlers with
brains.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Mick Foley will go to Southeast Asia, where he is a legend best known
under the name meaning "Western Man Smelling Like BBQ", to promote the WWF
and blow himself up.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) is beginning to gain momentum, like a
miniature pebble barely noticeable to the naked eye rolling down a hill.
Notes from the Ross Report 07.07.2000
Debra and the Rattlesnake (do rattlesnakes and puppies go together? I
would assume that the snake would just attack the pups and bite--. . .
Forget I said anything.) are getting married in Las Vegas soon, which is at
least classier than your average Texas wedding. You know, where the bride's
father is aiming a shotgun at the groom just for insurance, and the vows
include Jerry Springer quotes.
Notes from the Ross Report 08.19.2000
Chyna. Playboy magazine. Jimbo expects record numbers, and I wouldn't be
surprised. In addition to the usual demographic, I expect the Chyna photos
to attract new buyers among key groups such as lesbians, near-sighted Xena
fanboys, and freaky ECW recappers with leather fetishes who masturbate to
TV Guide covers.
Notes from the Ross Report 08.19.2000
Jimbo saw some clever "J.R.'s BBQ sauce" signs on TV last week, but he's
still looking for those "J.R.'s BJotW" signs.
Notes from the Ross Report 08.19.2000
"White Man" Steve Blackman vs Shane McSon could surprise a lot of people
(at least those who didn't see last year's SummerSlam; they know what
Blackman can do), and the same goes for Tazz the Ross-killer vs Jerry "the
Perv" Lawler. "Thug-life bred" rhymes with "pug-like head", by the way.
Notes from the Ross Report 08.26.2000
Universal Studios Hollywood's Halloween Horror Nights IV - which is an
amusement park, I gather - will feature an attraction called "The
Undertaker: No Mercy.", which is of course based on everyone's second
favourite dead man. You can relive the Giant Gonzales feud through the
magic of scary-looking 8-foot chia pets, or enter the incredibly scary (if
you look like the average Internet wrestling fan, especially) mirror room,
where you experience the horror of standing face to face with yourself -
just like UT did in 94!
Notes from the Ross Report 08.26.2000
Ross: "Big news from the XFL this week with team names and uniform
colors, etc., announced. How long will it take for the net to run rampant
with the "Hitmen" name of the NY/NJ team? How can we tie this back in to
the 1997 Survivor Series in Montreal? Is Bret Hart returning to the WWF?
This can't simply be that this is just a helluva cool name for an XFL team,
can it? There just has to be more to this story, right? . . . By the way,
if you couldn't tell: I was being SARCASTIC!!"
Well, duh.
Notes from the Ross Report 08.26.2000
Steven Richards is injured again. It would sure safe some space if Jim
only told us when he was healthy.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.02.2000
We'll see a Malenko/Crash relationship develop soon. They'll be renamed
Sleepy and Happy, respectively. Plans are also for Tazz to join the group
soon as Grumpy, and if that works out well, there's even talk that Benoit
will be added as Sneezy (because when you see him do the cut-throat hand
motion, the immediate reaction is "he's gonna sneeze!"), and TAKA and Sho
could be Bashful and Doc. Talks have resumed with Chris Candido to fill the
final spot of (wait for it). . . Dopey.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.02.2000
Al Snow as will be a comedy Euro champ, hilariously adopting stereotype
characteristics of various European countries. He'll drink tea and have
yellow horse-like teeth one week, eat snails and be really pissy the next,
and then have a shaved head, a swastika tattoo and brown, blood-smeared
boots the week after that. Oh, the hilarity.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.02.2000
The official J. R. OAotW (Oral Action of the Week, 'cause it's not a
blowjob this time) goes to Lita. "Yes, Jim! Yes! Ooh! I am a helluva nice
person! Yes! Give it to me, Jimbo! Ahh, right there!! My rise to
prominence. . . does. . . indeed. . . aah!. . . continue to impress! Yes!
Ah. . . ah. . . AAAA! YES, JIMBO!!!"
Ross: "ORGASM! ORGASM! ORGASM! This is a SLOBBERBLOBBER!!!"
Notes from the Ross Report 09.02.2000
WWF Unforgiven will surely rock the free world. And Cuba, by way of
illegal pirate satellites.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.23.2000
Staying true to its Philadelphian upbringing, the First Union Center
quickly sold out as soon as it got word that the WWF had interest in it.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.23.2000
MSG has been sold out every single time the WWF has paid visit over the
last three years. Three years ago, TAKA Michinoku joined the WWF.
Coincidence?
Notes from the Ross Report 09.23.2000
Mark "Fat" Henry is doing well in Ohio Valley. He's currently at 350 lbs,
but will be brought back to television once he gets down to 325-340. Unless
they get all "Blue Meanie" on his ass.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.23.2000
"Terri will soon be taping an episode for the UPN program "Freedom." She
will be playing a mom who gets shot. Shooting begins Sept. 27 in
Vancouver." Read those last two sentences again, why don't you.
Notes from the Ross Report 09.23.2000
K-Krush will change his name to K-Kwick for some dumb reason, and he'll
join up with Road Doggy Dogg for HeAT this weekend. If they have a baby,
they could name him K-Dogg.
Notes from the Ross Report 11.11.2000
J.R.'s BBQ sauce is almost ready to hit the market! Just like it has for
over a year!
Notes from the Ross Report 11.11.2000
Ross's momma always said, life is like a bottle of J.R.'s BBQ sauce. You
never know when you'll finally get some.
Notes from the Ross Report 11.11.2000
Hey hey HBK, how many autographs did you sign today? Well, you'll sure
sign some next Saturday, beginning at 10 a.m. at the Frank Erwin Center Box
Office in Austin, Texas.
Notes from the Ross Report 11.11.2000
What of Chris Jericho and Kane? Well, they're young and will have a great
opportunity to shine with their well scripted coffee feud. "You want sugar
with that, you ASSHOLE?!"
Notes from the Ross Report 11.18.2000
Lo Down and Tiger Ali Singh; A match made in syndies.
Notes from the Ross Report 11.18.2000
I bet if Russo was still booking the WWF, K-Krush would get hanged by the
RTC in his first week of TV only to join them the next as K-K-Kwik, a Klan
member. And everyone would take about how McMahon was doing the gimmick to
prove that the PTC are xenophobes, but it'd really just be Russo showing
how very edgy (and xenophobic, for that matter) he is.
Notes from the Ross Report 11.18.2000
[. . .] we all remember the Blue Meanie, don't we? If you don't, allow me
to refresh your memory by way of a script for a radio theatre piece I've
been working on. You and your friends can play at home!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Act 1:
[phone rings]
Ross: Hi Meanie. You need to drop some weight. We'll be sending you to
Memphis, and when you've lost a few pounds, we'll bring you back on TV.
Honest.
Meanie: Coolness.
End of act 1.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Act 2. A month later. Talking on the phone again:
Meanie: Hey Jim. I lost 20 pounds!
Ross: That's great! Just a couple more, and you'll be back on TV in no
time. Honest.
End of act 2.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Act 3. Two weeks after that. On the phone.:
Meanie: Hey Jim. I dropped another fifteen pounds!
Ross: Good job! Keep it up, and we'll take you back. Honest.
End of act 3.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Act 4. Another few weeks after that. Talking on the phone again:
Meanie (panting): Jim. . . I'm down to 173 pounds. Wait, 172 now. Isn't
this enough?
Ross: Yea. . . Erm. . . That's great, Meanie. I'm writing you into
storylines as we speak. [scribbling sounds] Just call me back next week and
we'll have something for you. Honest.
End of act 4.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
5th and final act. The next week. Meanie calls Ross up again.
Meanie (excited): Hey Jim! Can I have my job back now? Can I?
Ross: Nope. I'm sorry to tell you this, Meanie, but you're fired.
Meanie: But you said--...
Ross: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROSS SAID! DTA, Meanie! DON'T TRUST
ANYBODY!!!
[click]
Notes from the Ross Report 11.18.2000
X-Pac's such a PAIN in the NECK! Hopefully he'll be able to return to
action soon.
Notes from the Ross Report 12.09.2000
"Remember, J.R.'s BBQ Sauce is SO good you can't sit still and eat it!"
That means it causes diarrhea.
Notes from the Ross Report 12.09.2000
Terri missed RAW due to an inner-ear problem. Small troubles there can
lead to major balancing difficulties, especially when you have to carry
around them big juicy funbags.
Notes from the Ross Report 12.09.2000
To once again prove his amazing subtleness and ability to come up with
thought-provoking statements, Jimbo delivers this gem:
(Malenko's entrance music is James Bond like).
Thank you, Jim.
Notes from the Ross Report 12.09.2000
Jim enjoyed his "media conference call" he did last Thursday and would
like to make it a monthly deal. Ross started the phone conversation by
screaming that "AT&T BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!" " The conversation
ended when Jim screamed "MY GOD, THE PHONE LINE IS BROKEN IN TWO!!!" --
likely meaning he had a caller on the other line -- before the call was
unexpectedly disconnected.
Notes from the Ross Report 12.09.2000
/Mr. JF
[slash] wrestling - one last time
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