|
/wrestling /guests /JF |
|
|
/wrestling /guests /JF |
| Guest Columns | Mr. JF |
MainBLAH |
Honorable readers; For those of you who have followed my little Pulp Fiction parody bits here on [slash], I have to say that I'm putting the project on hiatus. With Bischoff gone, the concept and style of much of the bits have gone to waste. I have made about half the movie into a wrestling-related parody already (with only select pieces published anywhere), and I was planning on finishing the whole damn thing. With Bischoff canned, a lot of the situations I'm making fun of go out the window. However, if enough of you send in your whinings about my lazy ass not finishing what I started, or enough of you just want to see all the stuff that's already been written, I may give it a shot. Mail me to express your enormous support! Yeah, like people give a shit. . . Anyway, without a new Pulp Bookerman episode this week, I instead give you this little thingee that my guidance counselor gave me. After he told me that only a small group of people get the privilege of earning a living from spoofing Tarantino's movies, he asked me what I'd think of becoming a wrestling booker. My initial reaction was something along the lines of "erm. . . I don't know." I mean, it's not like it's every wrestling fans highest dream to make serious dough out of thinking up weird storylines for the 'sport' that we all love, is it? My point exactly. However, after considering that I may get to meet Teri Runnels (and her NIPPLES! -- shout out to some other guy on [slash]) if I landed the job, it suddenly looked like a pretty good opportunity. To make a long story somewhat short, the counselor gave me a nifty little questionnaire to fill out. In my infinite kindness, I will share that questionnaire with you all. Would YOU make a good booker? Find out right now. . . SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A BOOKER? INSTRUCTIONS: Answer the following questions truthfully, choosing the alternative that you think looks better. After you have done that, you will find different categories, one or more of which you will fit into, based on your answers. *DO NOT LOOK AT THEM AHEAD!* Or maybe you should. You be the judge. 1. Who should Al Snow feud with next? a) Road Dog or Mick Foley, so the proper chemistry for hardcore title matches can be achieved. b) The Big Boss Man. And when he's done with that feud, The Big Boss Man again. After that, he can move on to. . . , ah, what the heck, The Big Boss Man again. c) He should be in random matches in the midcard that mean nothing. d) Val Venis, who has a video of himself, Pepper and Head having a threesome. e) David Letterman. Or maybe Oprah. Whoever costs more. 2. Which match would you rather see as a main event for a PPV? a) A stipulation-free singles match between two wrestlers for the world title. b) Three wrestlers! No, better yet, six wrestlers! With a wrestler as the special referee! Clusterfucks sell! c) Some match from a few years ago, preferably involving Hulk Hogan. Classics never go out of style! d) Nitro Girls playing volleyball. In fact, the whole pay per view should be dedicated to the Nitro Girls. And they should be bisexual! And shower together! e) Something containing a star from any other sport than pro-wrestling. Or anyone else who requires a high salary. 3. What makes a good tag team? a) Good chemistry between two good workers. b) They look alike. Family ties are good, especially if they're not real. Identical tights are a necessity! c) Brotherhood. Literal brotherhood. Anything else is unacceptable. d) Pimp and porn star! Pimp and porn star! e) A talk show host and his sidekick. Who cost a lot. 4. Who would be a good fit for a wrestling organizations number two belt? a) Someone who has a good workrate and is entertaining as well. Let's say Chris Jericho. b) Chyna. c) David Flair. d) That guy who hangs with Ms Kitty and the puppies. e) Someone who costs a lot. Must spend money at all times. 5. What formula is best for a good match? a) Two competent workers, psychology, circa 20 minutes and a clean finish. b) Three minutes of action, run-in, no contest. c) Three minutes of action between two jobbers, Sid, no contest. d) Tori. Ivory. Hardcore rules. Showers. Ass shot. Who-hooo! e) Celebrities, celebrities, celebrities, Hogan. 6. If there isn't any wrestling going on in the ring on a wrestling show, what should people be seeing instead? a) Angle development. b) Walking. Or perhaps shoe tying. c) DJ Ran all up in your area! d) A Nitro Girls dance act. Juggle juggle! e) A musical performance by a 70s or 80s rock band. 7. What wrestling character of the past do you think should be given another chance? a) Waylon Mercy. Wonderful, creepy gimmick. b) Akeem the African Dream. Simply hilarious! c) Evil German Stereotype. d) Beaver Cleavage. Gotta love the incest! e) Chucky. Only with more financial backing. 8. How would you go about to introduce a new wrestler? a) Some build up with promos, a few undercard matches to give him experience, then start an angle. b) One-syllable name and an instant feud! All set. c) Job him on a pay-per-view, stick him into the undercard. d) Give him a name that relates to genitalia. e) Use extremely expensive KISS gimmick. 9. You are currently thinking of. . . a) When it would be a good time to have Benoit win the world title. b) Ass. c) Who drove the hummer? d) PUPPIES!!! e) Why I am no longer WCW president. It doesn't make any sense. . . Now, count up how many times you chose alternative a, alternative b, et c. Read the text below whatever you have the most number of. A:s The Boring Fucking Idealist type. You are a pathetic idealistic dreamer! Ideas like that will *never* be accepted in pro-wrestling booking. Wake up from your dream world, goddamnit! B:s The Ass with an Attitude type. Congratulations, you seem to be a good fit for a WWF booking committee. Just send in your resume to icansayassalot@wwf.com C:s The Dimwitted Southern Boy type. Congratulations, you seem to be a good fit for a WCW booking committee. Just send in your resume to idontknowwhatthehellimdoing@wcw.com D:s The Hyatte type. You are a raging pervert. This is acceptable if you are between the ages 12 and 15, and male. If you're older, you need help. Seriously. If you can keep yourself from masturbating too much, you may be able to be a Monday night recapper for Scoops, or, if you also chose a lot of B:s, a WWF booker. It worked for Vince Russo. E:s The Eric Bischoff type. Simply put, you ARE Eric Bischoff. If you hadn't thrown out cash to anyone who'd take them, you might have still been a booker. But you're not. Sorry. Mr JF freelance Mail the Author |
BLAH |
Main |
||