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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Today is Saturday. Just so you know. (That's a LIE! - CRZ)
Notes from the Ross Report
The Survivor Series is just a few hours away! That holds true even if
this gets posted on [slash] post-Sunday, as "just a few" is a relative
expression. Einstein and shit. Anyway, opening blabber also includes
mention of J.R.'s favorite sports team, BBQ sauce hype, and a notifier that
you'll get injury updates. Don't switch channels, this is NOT a rerun.
Last week's WrestleMania ticket boycott instigated by yours truly
seemingly didn't get it's intended impact, as approximately 52,00 ticks
have been sold as of Ross typing this up. Just imagine the power of the
boycott had CRZ posted the Notes on Monday rather than Wednesday last week.
Thanks a lot for the "X-Seven" pseudo-kewlness-that's-down-with-the-kidz,
Zimma.
The Survivor Series will be very emotional, sez Jimbo. Make sure to have
your napkins ready before sitting down and watching it. Just so you know,
neither Stoning Steve nor Triple H will be 100%, but the match will be
outstanding anyways. Honest. If we combine the percentages of the two
wrestlers, I'm pretty sure it'll at least approach 100, so that's good.
Austin's a few weeks away from being 'on the top of his game', and
Triple H has back spasms. With the rather blatant disguised shoot comment
that Austin will never get one up on (or "be on the top of") The Game and
HHH needing to spend some time working on his back, I can't figure out
who'll do the job. The match will be special in the eyes of Ross. "Special"
is PC lingo for "crippled".
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
The Rock and Rikishi know each other like the back of their hand, even if
it seems they are only cousins in the wrestling vernacular where guys like
Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom are brothers, and Chris Candido and Tom Pritchard
are twins. Ross thinks it'll be a great match and we'll see Rikishi at his
very bestest on Sunday as he continues his admirable quest to make a
difference.
The Undertaker and Angle have different styles, seeing as one if a badass
and the other is one of them geeky amateurs. The Undertaker isn't at 100%
yet either, what with his compulsive groin pulling in the past and the loss
of his beloved gallbladder. This midcard match for the WWF championship
should be a great story.
What of Chris Jericho and Kane? Well, they're young and will have a great
opportunity to shine with their well scripted coffee feud. "You want sugar
with that, you ASSHOLE?!" BLAM! Personally, I predict a screwjob ending at
Survivor Series, leading to a Hot Coffee match (where the winner is the
first one to grab a cup of McDonald's coffee suspended on a pole and burn
his opponent with it) at Armageddon.
In matches that aren't important enough to get their own separate
paragraphs, Lita faces Ivory and Blackman/Crash/Molly meet T&A and Test &
Albert. Ross tells us there's a lot of interest in how Molly and Trish
match up. I say Trish wins in the boob department, whereas Molly takes it
in cuteness.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
The Radicalz will take on the team of Road Dogg/K-Kwik/Chyna/One Ass
Billy Gee in a match so important we move on to another in the very same
sentence and tell you about the Hardyz and the Dudz wrestling Edge,
Christian, Bull Buchanananan and The Goodfather. Venis and Richards will
likely be at ringside, just so they'll have something to do. Another match
or two might be added (but it won't be Tazz vs Raven) on HeAT. Perhaps
Mideon and Regal will continue their series of matches; We can only hope.
Jesse Ventura will be a color commentator for the XFL. As if politicians
are ever interesting. Jim Ross and The Perv auditioned for commentary
positions as Jim has told us before, but haven't gotten word back. Not that
he's bitter or anything. YOU SON OF A BITCH, XFL COMMENTATOR PICKER GUY!!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
Returning back to that unknown Minnesotan Governor, whatever his name
was, Jim thinks he won't overprepare (and learn rules and player names and
such), but he sure will be controversial and entertaining, probably the
most entertaining commentator since the days of Some Guy. [to be continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Ross has a feeling they'll play up Jesse's comments as way interesting on
future RAWs.
English boxer Prince Naseem, wrestler in a lightweight boxer's body (and
nose), will be in the crowd for Rebellion in the Sheffield Arena on Dec 2.
He's a big wrestling fan and a very colorful guy. A perfect fit for the
WWF, one ould think. He'd have to go down to Memphis and get down to his
optimal weight first, of course. 83 pounds would be a good goal.
Thurman "Bob" Holly is back and looking good. Ross has felt his arm and
it feels good. He has a horrible, horrible disfiguring scar from the
titanium plate inserted into his arm after Angle broke it. I smell feud.
"You made me into Lex Luger, you bastard!"
Good golly, miss Molly Holly is a great addition to the WWF roster. J.R.
will be sure to oogle her in her altercations ith Trish.
The Divas photo shoot in Jamaica-mon has been going really well,
hopefully with plenty of nipple shots for Chris Jones to write columns upon
columns about. Quite a lot of video photage has been taken as well, so just
you wait until those get released. . .then you will do some releasin' too,
I would guess. Ya loser.
Foley was on C-Dawg O'Brien on Thursday, and also at Virgin Megastore to
promote "Christmas Chaos". The Perv did the illustrations and it as a great
body of work to go with the great body of his wife. [to be continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
It's selling really well! The book, not the Kat's body, even if I'm sure
that'd get a higher than average bidding price. Anway, the book is ranked #
7 on the New York Times' childrens books list, and the WWF CookBook! was #
6 on the Times extended book list, which is were cook books written by
former sports stars and entertainers etc are ranked. Both books make great
holiday gift ideas that are to be discarded quickly.
Wal-Mart has apparently decided to not sell Christmas Chaos due to
Lawler's perverted artwork of a naked elf. J.R. feels that they Donald
Duck, Bugs Bunny, and Pluto should also be banned (I think that's what he
means, anyway), and I must say I agree. If you're gonna have naked cartoon
characters, at least make them anatomically correct, I say! Them damn
Disney folks are insulting dogs everywhere by insinuating that Pluto's
dickless.
Official word on the BBQ sauce is that it'll be available through
ShopZone and at WWF New York the week after Thanksgiving, meaning no J.R.
BBQ sauce to go with the holiday turkey until next Thanksgiving, sadly.
ABOUT FUCKING TIME sez I and Ross in unison. It should be in stores after
the new year.
Uh-oh, Rikishi. Watch out, because Ross is insinuating that you could
stand to lose a little weight. Just you wait, Solofa (I'm speaking to him
confidentailly, hence the real first name):
in a few weeks Jimbo will be calling you names in his Reports.
It looks like Tazz will become a fan favourite. . . [to be continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
. . . or maybe Raven will! The WWF can't bother to decide, so it's up to
you, fanboyz! Send in your votes! I'd like them to continue their "I'm
sorry about last show. Wanna team up again?" "Sure." and then start
fighting storyline for a few more months, myself.
The Boss Man's knee is healthy, and new creative ideas will be thrown his
way. If I was a lazy columnist (well, I am, but. . . nevermind), I could
use this as a setup for a hilarious competition where readers send in their
suggestions for new creative Boss Man ideas. You could still send stuff in,
but I'll likely ignore them. Who's up for it?
Lo Down and Tiger Ali Singh; A match made in syndies. Let's see how they
do.
The Hardy Boyz and The Lita Gurl were in a car crash the other day when
their rental car was rear-ended by another car. Luckily they survived with
merely a bit of whiplash. Truly a scary moment for these guys who are
completelly unaccustomed to be involved in death-defying happenings.
K-Kwik made a nice debut, but he better not think he's the shits. [to be
continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
If he can't handle success, the business will eat him up, warns Jim.
Hopefully he can learn from others. Just Joe and Just Paul Wight, for
instance. By the way, I bet if Russo was still booking the WWF, K-Krush
would get hanged by the RTC in his first week of TV only to join them the
next as K-K-Kwik, a Klan member. And everyone would take about how McMahon
was doing the gimmick to prove that the PTC are xenophobes, but it'd really
just be Russo showing how very edgy (and xenophobic, for that matter) he
is. But that's merely speculating. Oh, and credit goes to whoever I was
chatting with when the idea was brought to life, just for supporting me
throughout that trying time in my chat. Or something.
Injurious updatery: Broken-Ribs Bradshaw will be able to return around
Nov. 27th, and Fucked-Up-Knee Faarooq will return around Dec 10. TAKA
MUFUH-naku is back in his home in Puerto Rico (how nuts is he?) after
visiting relatives in Japan, having therapy, and wrestling without doctor's
allowance. He has been cleared to return and will do so in the next few
weeks. One can only wonder if he and The Big Sho Funaki will be able to
reclaim their spot at the top of the tag team ladder. Tori is expected to
be back to "taking bumps and getting physical" (or as I like to call it,
'have sex') on or around Armageddon, Dec 10.
X-Pac has been going to physical therapy to do something about his pain
in the neck that he got back at No Mercy. Good thing he sustained that
injury, or he'd have gotten a job back from Jericho on TV (seen by more
people than jobs done on PPV, which makes them more important, according to
some). That manipulative bastard, X-Pac, jobbing to Jericho on two
consequitive PPVs and shit. ASSHOLE!
The Big Fat Show and Mark "Fat" Henry are doing quite well in the
weightloss clinic, and have lost 30-35 pounds and 70-75, respectively. They
have good attitudes and are working on reclaiming their spots with the
company. [to be continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Supposedly, they could both be back in time for the Royal Rumble,
although February is more likely. I say supposdely, because we all remember
the Blue Meanie, don't we? If you don't, allow me to refresh your memory by
way of a script for a radio theatre piece I've been working on. You and
your friends can play at home!
Act 1:
[phone rings]
Ross: Hi Meanie. You need to drop some weight. We'll be sending you
to Memphis, and when you've lost a few pounds, we'll bring you back on TV.
Honest.
Meanie: Coolness.
End of act 1.
Act 2. A month later. Talking on the phone again:
Meanie: Hey Jim. I lost 20 pounds!
Ross: That's great! Just a couple more, and you'll be back on TV in
no time. Honest.
End of act 2.
Act 3. Two weeks after that. On the phone.:
Meanie: Hey Jim. I dropped another fifteen pounds!
Ross: Good job! Keep it up, and we'll take you back. Honest.
End of act 3.
Act 4. Another few weeks after that. Talking on the phone again:
Meanie (panting): Jim. . . I'm down to 173 pounds. Wait, 172 now.
Isn't this enough?
Ross: Yea. . . Erm. . . That's great, Meanie. I'm writing you into
storylines as we speak. [scribbling sounds] Just call me back next week and
we'll have something for you. Honest.
End of act 4.
5th and final act. The next week. Meanie calls Ross up again.
Meanie (excited): Hey Jim! Can I have my job back now? Can I?
Ross: Nope. I'm sorry to tell you this, Meanie, but you're fired.
Meanie: But you said--...
Ross: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROSS SAID! DTA, Meanie! DON'T TRUST
ANYBODY!!!
[click]
THE END
Former women's champion Jacqueline will do an episode of UPN's "Freedom",
which Terri Runnels did last week. Terri did great "for someone with no
formal acting training", as Jim so suppostingly puts it. WWF suits are
hoping that this will catapult Jackie into superstardom once again. And I'm
sure *she* had some formal acting training, based on her work in the old
Double-J promos back in 1993.
Football blah.
Jim Ross says he likes the Radicalz and starts giving them the closest
we'll come to an official BJotW [to be continued]
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
...slurp...gurgle... The blowjob continues on this page, though one of
the Radz seems to be feeling a bit left out. Perhaps it's because of this
little quote: "Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero and Dean Malenko are so smooth.
Then, of course, you have a very unique individual in Perry Saturn." He
does talk about Saturn as a possible break-out star of the future, but
that's not as funny as the above quote on its own. Ross is still waiting
for an Austin-Benoit feud where they can both beat the hell out of each
other, but oh, watch the neck.
"Just moments ago". . . Jim repeats what he's already said about the
CookBook!, the BBQ sauce, the future Star Wars ripoff storyline involving
Ken Shamrock, and the PPV being on Sunday. Go back and read the NftRR from
the beginning once again if you want the details.
Buh-bye.
/Mr. JF
[slash] wrestling
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