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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Long layoff. I suck.
I took a purposeful break from NftRR in order to concentrate on other
matters (which will REVOLUTIONIZE the web!), but they have been delayed due
to forces outside of my control again and again. For now, you'll have to
WAIT FOR IT, but in the mean time you get a Notes this week. I promised
someone at CRZ's new message board (which needs to quit being a bitch and
showing me all the messages I've already read even though I've set it up so
that it shouldn't -- Get on it, Zimmaman!) that I'd do one, and I think
that might be binding.
For those who've forgotten me or are new to [slash], allow me to describe
the basic premise of the Notes from the Ross Report: WWF announcer and
bookerman Jim Ross reaches out to Internet wrestling fans once per week
with his increasingly long Ross Report over at wwf.com. Purely as a service
to wrestling fans everywhere, I write a report on said report, doing all
the hard work so that You, dear [slash]er, won't have to wade through
(roughly) nine thousand page breaks to get to that elusive newsbit about
Sylvester Terkay. Visiting the actual Ross Report at the WWF's site is no
picnic, I tell you. CRZ's little recaps of some twenty-six hours of
wrestling programming per week is NOTHING compared to the sacrifices I make!
You ungrateful bastards.
NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Opening blabber: Jim Ross has a hat. Survivor Series is days aways. "Can
You Take the Bland Name?" is selling well. Oklahoma Sooners are mentioned.
Also, Jim figures he could tell us stuff regarding WWF wrestlers as well.
What a concept!
Triple-H had a couple of "gut-wrenching" TV days due to a back injury,
which is somewhat strange when you think about it. At first it was thought
to be his S.I. joint acting up, like S.I. joints are apt to do, as we all
know. And I thought X-Pac and Road Dogg were the only DXers who had
problems with joints! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In any event, it seems that HHH
also is insane in the membrane that surrounds a disc in his back, and that
in addition to the joint puffing has caused him severe pain. He had an MRI
on Friday, and results will be in on Monday. Expert newsboards will
probably have the results in much earlier though, I suspect. If you simply
can't wait, do a search for "the bestest damn wrestlingnews on da web!" or
something. A Dallas doctor recommended that HHH stay on his back for a few
days, which is something does almost as seldom as that fucking manipulating
bastard Val Venis (who must have Vince's ear, you know). It's not known if
HHH will be on TV, but he'll be part of the broadcast for sure. Presumably
he'll be a camera man. If Ross had to pick someone to get the MVP gimmick
in the year 2000, it wouldn't be Steve Lombardi. Nowadays, The Game is
where it's at, so bring on the baseball facepaint! Because of his
contributions, Mr. Hearst-Helmsley gets a J.R. BlowJo
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
b of the Week, stretching over two pages! Even with Jimbo's expert
deepthroating, HHH's endurance is simply outstanding.
The Rock is in great spirits and is ready for Rikishi at the Survivor
Series. He's expected to add new moves to his repertoir soon, in preparing
for his role as the Scoprion King in "Finally The Scorpion King HAs Come
Back to Egypt". Why do you think he started using the Scorpion leg lock,
for crying out loud?
Former WCW US champion "Stoning" Steve Austin is feeling like a million
bucks, by his own admission. Not many would have the guts to admit
something like that. He's still not 100% though, so the moonsaults will
have to wait a while longer. He's especially working on his sharpness and
timing, and will be close to tip-top when he takes on HHH at the Series.
Jim thinks he'll be at 100% by Armageddon for sure. He has no pains or
"issues" whatsoever, it's said.
The Undertaker's back tell me when you blow your stack hey Undertaker!
Undi's pulled groin has returned to its original unpulled status and his
bladder has been removed. The gall one. Not even the dead escape Jimbo's
tough weight coaching love, as Ross in passing mentions that 'Taker should
lose around twenty pounds and get down to about 300 in the next few weeks.
Mean Mark is hoping to make an impact in 2001, and hopefully will not be
benched for ten of the year's twelve months.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
NOOOOO!!! K-Krush will change his name to K-Kwick for some dumb reason,
and he'll join up with Road Doggy Dogg for HeAT this weekend. If they have
a baby, they could name him K-Dogg. Or Road Kwick, but that's not as
multi-layered. The two (Road Dogg and K-Kwick, not the babies) will not
only work together in the ring, but will apparently make sweet music
together as well. Road Dogg has some problems with his shoulder, by the
way, but will probably not miss any TV time.
X Pac has a pain in the neck, will be undergoing physical therapy and
will hopefully be prescribed some nice natural herbal medicine (or at least
use some of his own private stack) to soothe the pain. He'll be back in
December, meaning everyone making Survivor Series elimination tag match
predictions will have to leave him out.
Rikishi broke his nose last weekend, and now can't breathe. Not breathing
has never killed anyone, so he'll stay on TV.
The One Ass Billy G has some trouble with his shoulder as well, and I'm
beginning to suspect that all these former DX members' injuries is divine
punishment for not buying Bret Hart a Christmas present last year. The One
Ass won't miss any TV. G or otherwise.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Thurman "Sparky" Holly -- or Rod-Man as he might now be called due to the
metal inserted into his arm -- will return to action this weekend. He'll
have wrestled in Cincinnati on Saturday and Columbus, Ohio on Sunday before
returning to TV on RAW (is WAR) on Monday. He broke his arm, by the way.
More shoulder problems, this time for Christian (of Edge &. . . fame).
Numbnessitude in the arm, like, totally reeks of suckiness! A stinger was
the root of all the evil, laying the long-standing rumor that money is at
fault in situations like this one to rest.
Willy Regal has had some pain in his lower back. As injuries and ailments
are not a laughing matter, I'll decline from trying to making a joke on
this one.
Tori has been having lesbian orgies along with Terri and Trish in
Jamaica, mon. Luckily, this has been caught on camera by the good people at
WWFDivas. Tori is continuing rehab and is expected to be able to return by
the Armageddon PPV. If she could manage to slap X Pac a few weeks ago,
crotch chopping can't be too far away.
Both Acolytes have injury problems and will likely miss Survivor Series.
Bradshaw's ribs hurt, and he's a big angry redneck stereotype about his
physical limitations. Faarooq had knee surgery last week, and now has a
bunch of fluid in said body part due to the excessive scoping. I bet the
fluid in question is way yucky.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Let's check in with the fat people! The Big-But-Getting-Smaller Show has
lost 39 pounds since his first OWV weight-in, and is now at a
near-anorectic 441 pounds. Mark Henry is down to 336, down a whopping 79
pounds from his former weight of 415. J.R. is very proud of both of these
guys, who have increased their chances at returning to the WWF proper in
the future. Or at least, that's what he'd like them to think. Memento
Meanie. . .
Series lineup: Austin-HHH, Rock-Rikishi, UT-Angle. Probably Jerrko-Kane
and Lita-Ivory as well, even is the two girls by all (read: my) accounts
should be on opposing teams in a Hardyz/Dudleyz/Lita vs RTC ten-person
elimination match. We might also see Molly Holly team up with Crash for a
six-man tag against T&A and Test and Albert. By golly, who could the third
person to team with the two Holly cousins end up being? (Probably Blackman,
but still.) Also, Jim expects a couple of elimination matchups, at least. I
feel like it's 1992 all over again.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Mick Foley will be on "Late Night with C-Dawg O'Brien" to promote his
book ("Christmas Chaos" with illustrations by Jerry the Perv). J.R. says
it's a great book and thinks we'll love it, and we can buy it at [link
excluded until they sign me up for a money deal].
"Can You Take the Bland Name?" is ranked #6 at the NY Times' chart "for
books of its type". The type being 'cookbooks filled with fun stories and
colorful pictures of wrestlers who pretend it's their own recipes', I
presume. The WWF superstars have done a great job putting the book
together, sez Jimbo, and I see absolutely no reason to doubt that the
wrestlers have done most of the work. Nope, not at all. Sex-crazed teenage
J.R. groupies can come and see Jim at a book signing this Monday from 11:30
am to 1:30 pm at Waldenbrooks in Columbus, Ohio, and also this Tuesday in
Indianapolis from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. at Borders Books & Music. Bring
your own condoms, girls.
Big weekend again, as usual. Cincinnati on Saturday, Dayton, Ohio, and
Huntington, West Virginia on Sunday. Also, WrestleMania tickets go on sale
this weekend, and I hereby propose a boycott of the tickets until the WWF
change the offical name of WM to the proper "WrestleMania XVII" instead of
the highly gay-ass name of "WrestleMania X-Seven". Remember, don't by any
tickets until a change is made! I have a feeling this will be immensly
effective.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Houston, we have a WrestleMania. There's 66,000 seats available in the
arena, and Jim tells us this means a bunch of people who thought they'd
never get to see a big event like this one, will. He seems to expect a
sell-out. HA! That was before the JF-organized boycott!
J.R.'s BBQ sauce is almost ready to hit the market! Just like it has for
over a year! It tastes just like momma Ross's original recipe. Ross's momma
always said, life is like a bottle of J.R.'s BBQ sauce. You never know when
you'll finally get some.
The Big Boss Man returns to WWF rings this Sunday, after having had
arthroscopic knee surgery. Hopefully, this will lead to the rejuvenation of
television action that everyone's expecting.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Hey hey HBK, how many autographs did you sign today? Well, you'll sure
sign some next Saturday, beginning at 10 a.m. at the Frank Erwin Center Box
Office in Austin, Texas. Everywhere J.R. goes, he not only always takes the
weather with him, but he's also asked about if Shawn Michaels will ever
return to the ring. Ross always answers the same way: "Leave me along, will
ya? I'm just trying to get to my car! Damn marks." Still, he hopes that
maybe Michaels can return and get the proper sendoff, possibly by being at
WrestleMania in his home state of Texas next year. It depends on his back,
however, and all this is just Jimbo spekyoolatin'.
TV ratings are good according to Jimbo, going totally against the grain
of such highly regarded experts as Zach Arnold, who of course regards it as
a failure for the WWF and as a cause to HIT THE PANIC BUTTON and announce
RAW matches in advance. Gasp. Over 5.0 for RAW, and 6.2 for SmackDown!, sez
Jim.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
J.R.'s feelings aren't too hurt by the fact that there'll likely only be
a couple of elimination tag matches, because he likes him some singles
matches. Hopes that HHH will be feeling better by PPV time and that he'll
be able to perform. The WWF superstars are all great guys who more often
than not give it their all to please the fans. Mideon is especially
awesome.
Ohio Valley Wrestling is one happening place, dude. Sheldon "Been
Jammin'" Benjamin looks like a can't-miss prospect and could be the next
Gangrel-like success story. Brock "N. Broll" Lesnar is getting an MRI for
his knee, but it's expected to be nothing serious. Sylvester "The Turkey"
Terkay has had arthroscopic surgery and is on his way to full recovery.
There're some awesome prospects down in the there ("down where?" "you know
where."), some of which are human beings. Ross is positive about the future
of the WWF. The fans should continue to get what they pay for.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Because the fans' happiness is the most important thing.
Hey smark fan, have a new fun insider-word you can use to prove how very
very smart and in touch with the business you are! 'Go-home' TVs is the
last couple of shows before a big PPV. Use the phrase at will. The go-home
TVs are expected to be hot in preparation for the Survivor Series, thinks
J.R.
Have a good weekend. Cheer for the Oklahoma Sooners unless you're a Texas
Aggie fan (or if you just don't give a shit, like yours trooly). Ross will
sit his "big Oklahoma rear-end" in a chair, drink some BBQ sauce, and enjoy
watching the dull, frequently interrupted sport known to Americans as
football. Thankee-sai, and I'll get back with you later.
/Mr. JF
[slash] wrestling
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