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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Yo.
Brief step-by-step guide to whatever before the NftRR proper:
"How a Ross Report Becomes a Notes from the Ross Report"
Step 1: Mr. JF, the brave soul that he is, courageously enters the evil
realm of wwf.com, clicks on "The Ross Report", wades through the million
page breaks and copies the whole thing down into a single word document.
This is usually done on Saturday, around noon, when Mr. JF wakes up.
Step 2: Mr. JF writes up the Notes from the Ross Report, free of actual
page breaks but full of imaginary ones, by way of clicking on randomly
places letters on what he calls "the keyboard".
Step 3: Mr. JF posts the Notes from the Ross Report on one of the few
Delphi message boards that don't flat out suck. Don't go looking for it at
Rantsylvania, in other words.
Step 4: On Sunday (usually), Mr. JF copies the NftRR from said Delphi
board, pastes it into an e-mail form, and writes an intro like the one
you're now reading. After the e-mail servers fuck with him for an hour or
so (because apparently, Sunday mornings is a very busy time for the
server), he then sends it to Christopher Robin Dylan-Milne.
Step 5: Also on Sunday, Massa Chris looks in his inbox. If he sees no Notes
from the Ross Report, he decides to do a weekend update on [slash] after
all. If a NftRR is against all odds laying there, CRZ postpones the update
until post-weekend, as is normally common practice with the site.
Step 6: The Notes from the Ross Report get posted on [slash] around
Wednesday. (LIES! - CRZ)
Fascinating reading, is it not? So now you at least know why I'm talking
about the PPV as if it hasn't happened yet, even though you're probably
reading this a few days afterwards, even if CRZ now has the optimal
opportunity to prove my unimportant intro talk faulty by actually posting
it before every single thing in the NftRR is out of date.
And now for something completelly different. . .
Notes from the Ross Report
Eight bouts, a heel turn or two, a major revelation from Shane McMahon
that may or may not pertain to his sexual orientation, and the long-awaited
PPV return of "Stoning" Steve Austin: WWF Unforgiven will surely rock the
free world. And Cuba, by way of illegal pirate satellites.
Staying true to its Philadelphian upbringing, the First Union Center
quickly sold out as soon as it got word that the WWF had interest in it.
The card seems to be more drenched in "emotionally charged issues" than
usual, sez Ross. Why, the X-Pac/Jericho storyline has been one for the
ages, and even the Rock himself has almost got an issue with his three
challengers, who by the way can all win the title without actually
defeating the former champion who won the title without actually defeating
the former champion who won the title on a DQ. Jimbo predicts that a no-DQ
stip will be added at the last minute, just like it was for just about
every single PPV main in 1999. Ah, the good old days. . .
Triple H and Kurt Angle should be party time, excellent, provided the
latter is healthy. You have to wonder what part Stephanie will play in the
match, but you have to ignore wondering the same about special ref Mick
Foley or you won't be surprised. No one can predict what will happen
between the Hardy Boyz and Edge/Christian, Jimbo tells us, which probably
means they haven’t decided on a finish yet. Vegas odds say Jeff'll plunge
to his death, however. That would either lead to E/C retaining cleanly, or
a Dusty finish where Matt wins the title despite his brother's deadness,
but the Canucks find a loophole that gets them the titles back by way of
the infamous "dead partner" clause. Moving along in the meticulous hype of
every match on the card, we next have Phatu vs Eddy, which mistah Ross
refers to as "the Eddie Guerrero-Chyna-Rikishi Intercontinental Title
business", which forces me to entertain the sucky possibility that Chyna
will wrestle. Chris Jericho vs X-Pac could steal the show, put it in a pipe
and smoke it. In an announcement that will cause Herb Kunze to salivate and
the Dynamic Delphi Duo of Jenkinson and Keith to aggravate, Messrs. Waltman
and Jerrko might continue their program post-PPV.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Jerry "The Perv" Lawler vs Grumpy has had a great buildup, thinks Jim,
and more people are talking about Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) than ever
before. And that counts for something, even if they're all laughing at him.
Don't be surprised if the match is as short as the two participants,
however. The Perv will deliver, promises Ross. The Dudleys & the APA vs the
RTC match will be "intense, concise, and ugly" in one of them nifty Shoot
Comments That Aren't Supposed To Look Like Shoot Comments. The 10-Minute
Hardcore Battle Royal (aka "the filler") will feature a host of former
Hardcore champs challenging "White Man" Steve Blackman: Saturn, Funaki,
Crash, Test and Al Snow. Good thing: the fact that TAKA wasn't mentioned at
all instantly raised his chances of walking out the champion by 200% (to
73:1 odds), by way of the 'shocking upset' set-up. Bad thing: the same can
be said for Albert.
AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN! He'll be there as well, in case you forgot.
/end hype. Will doubling the space normally allotted for PPV hype in the
Ross Report result in a doubled buyrate? We'll just have to wait and see.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Hype terminated. Initialize bragging. The WWF has sold out Madison Square
Garden for a show on Saturday, making a shitload of cash in the process.
MSG has been sold out every single time the WWF has paid visit over the
last three years. Three years ago, TAKA Michinoku joined the WWF.
Coincidence?
Injury update time, a Ross Report favourite. The Big Boss Man has an
injured knee, but should return around October 9th. We can only pray he can
bring JAKKED back to its former glory when he returns. Lita has "turf toe",
which is not to be confused with Sunny's ailment "turfed ho". Thurman
"Hardcore" Plugg is currently a freak on a training-leash but will get his
release around November 1st, hopefully. Tori has two months left until she
can come back to her strenuous crotch-chopping schedule. Steven Richards is
injured, but that's never news. Billy Gunn is officially off the injured
list by Sunday, but will probably be sent directly to Memphis. . .
[. . . and there was much rejoice.]
. . . but only for a few weeks before returning to the WWF proper.
Football. Like I give a shit.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Mark "Fat" Henry is doing well in Ohio Valley. He's currently at 350 lbs,
but will be brought back to television once he gets down to 325-340. Unless
they get all "Blue Meanie" on his ass.
RAW is TNN, don't forget. Jimbo says that it'll hit the ratings hard at
first, which is an insurance policy: If the WWF's ratings are down and That
Other Show's are up, we can all refer to the move and how even Bleedin'
Thumbs Ross expected that to happen. If the WWF does well, however, it's
all hunky-dory and "Gee, even we didn't expect this! We rule!" next week.
In the long haul, the WWF will be able to take advantage of CBS ("Late Show
with Steve Blackman"), MTV ("Road Dogg Rules"), VH1 ("Behind WWF; the
Music"), Nickelodeon (erm. . . No idea.), and UPN (nope, nothing for that
one either. Sorry). Amazing possibilities all around for the WWF on TV. And
it's all thanks to Russo!!!
Nah.
Underaged readers should close their eyes at this time, as I tell you
that Chyna's nekkid in Playboy. Here's the quick report: Her boobs are big,
her belly is flat, her vagina's purty, her hair is bigger than her, and she
wears more makeup on her face than Doink. As on RAW, except for the vagina
thingy, in other words.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Both JR's BBQ sauce and the WWF CookBook!, "Can You Take The Bland Name?"
will soon hit the shelves. In order to promote them both, Jimbo himself is
expected to do some cooking on popular shows. I'm guessing Iron Chef.
"SUSHI!! SUSHI!! SUSHI!!"
WWF NY plug, as per the Ross Report modus operendi. You never know who'll
make a contractually-obligated apperance!
The developmental programs in Memphis, Louisville, and Southern
California cause great excitement for Good Ol' J.R. They'll continue to
provide the WWF with talents for many years, most likely. The developmental
program in Philadelphia might not stay around for that long, but due to the
great benevolence of Vinnie MacDaddy they'll at least get to stay on TNN
for a few weeks to come.
The Big Fat Show is getting positive reviews from Danny Davis and Jim
Cornette down in Ohio Valley. He's behaved himself for the short while he’s
been there, and actually worked out a few times during the past week. He'll
be toroughly examined and probed, and Jim Ross wants to see him at 375
pounds, maybe in time for the Royal Rumble 2001. Oh, and he should also
stop being a whiny bitch who thinks he's a big superstar, but that's only
if you read between the lines.
The Perv and the Pussy will soon wed, and Ross slips in a few
thinly-veiled shots at the durability of the marriage admidst the
well-wishes. That's how it goes when the color man you've had a secret
crush on for years marries, I guess. The current Mr. and the future Mrs.
Lawler were made for each other, says Jim. If anything, I'd say Ms. Kitty
was made for Lawler, seeing as he was around for sixteen years before she
was even born.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Steve Bradley is getting promoted from Puerto Rico to Memphis, which is a
big step up. If the WWF was Dante's Inferno, then Puerto Rico has got to be
the seventh circle. Memphis would be the 2nd, whereas regularly appearing
in dark matches before TV tapings would constitute being in Limbo. . .
Remind me to make something more out of this in the future.
"Terri will soon be taping an episode for the UPN program "Freedom." She
will be playing a mom who gets shot. Shooting begins Sept. 27 in
Vancouver." Read those last two sentences again, why don't you.
"Springboard" Scott Vick has just been reassigned to Memphis and could
springboard his way onto WWF TV if he springboards his cards right.
Mick Foley tapes MAD TV on October 20th. Provided he learns how to work
that damn VCR! Hur-hur.
"Stoning" Steve Austin and Bryant Gumbel; An unbeatable tag team! Austin
is planned to be on "the Early Show" on Monday, before flying to
Philadelphia to be on RAW. I hope he KICK! WHAM! STUNNER!s Bryant.
Whoa, Jim Ross is excited! Excited about RAW is TNN, excited about
Unforgiven, and excited about the return of the business' biggest box
office attraction ever, Viscera. And Steve Austin. We're in for a wild
ride, so hold on tight! WOOOUUUIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Take stuff,
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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