Main BLAH
|
NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
I challenge anyone to find one single reason why you should read the Ross
Report when you can read the Notes from the Ross Report. If you come up
with one, e-mail someone with it and ask them to give you a price. The fact
that the link to the Ross Report comes up a few days before the NftRR link
isn't a valid reason due to the fact that I say so, of course.
Speaking of e-mails, there seems to have been a problem with my e-mail
server lately. At least two e-mails sent to me have bounced back, and
that's only what I know about. I can only guess how many thousands of other
messages have been lost. The problem seems to be related to the filters I
had set up. Any messages with any of the words "Pulp", "Bookerman",
"column", "Notes", "Ross", "Report", or "I'm in love with a sewer rat" were
supposed to go directly to a particular folder so that the inbox didn't
fill up too quickly. Everything was set up as it should, but it seems that
the messages have bounced instead of being relocated. That sucks, and if
you have tried sending me something and it bounced, that's the likely
reason. It should be fixed now, though.
HYPEHYPEHYPEHYPEHYPE. Have patience.
And now for something entirely different.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin, known to most as a former WCW US champ, is
returning to WWF rings in a short while. He's expected to be on RAW Sept
25, which would be the first show on The Redneck Channel. That could change
though, says Jim, so tune into every single WWF program between now and
whenever Austin does return. Who knows, he may be on next week's JAKKED.
Bring on da hype, bring on da ratings. Austin's set to "try this at home"
when he begins his in-ring training at his ranch in Texas on Oct. 1st.
Jimbo says that Stone Cold is extremely focused and probably even sober a
few hours a day, and that he'll be as good as anyone who's had numerous
career-threatening injuries and a year-long layoff from the mat game when
he returns.
It certainly looks like there's an Angle-HHH match in the cards for this
month's PPV offering, in Jimbo's eye(s), even if you and I (well, at least
I) know that a six-pack challenge is the best choice given the top-card
situation of right now. Ross praises the storyline, says Angle's hot and
the heel, Triple-H has proven himself to be the
Old-Steve-Lombardi-Gimmick-Before-It-Was-Renamed-Abe-"Knuckleball"-Schwartz
of the WWF and is getting face pops, and that the Steph persona is red-hot
as well. HHH and Angle have great chemistry and with half the WWF roster
also involved, this is must-watch TV. Because if you take away that
storyline, you're left with Streakin' Mideon and a bunch of Canadians.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Steven Richards is injured again. It would sure safe some space if Jim
only told us when he was healthy. That's real news. In any event, Steve
won't miss any dates as long as no one sneezes and the wind snaps his
spine.
Jim Ross will visit Ohio Valley Wrestling, which quite logically is
located in Kentucky (huh?) on Wednesday. There's a bunch of fine talent
down there, but also some real amateurs. Some of the most honored amateurs
around, in fact.
Unforgiven sold out in just a few hours in Philly, the city of
selling-out love. The PPV will probably be a wild one. Like King of the
Ring '95.
Lots of offers to whore out for money being thrown at the Rock. You
would not believe some of the indecent phone calls they receive. Ross says
it's unfortunate that there's not two of him, which I agree could make for
some really out-there angles. Ah well, the WWF will just have to face the
fact that they only have the Rock as a mainstream superstar, while WCW have
the Harris twins.
The Undertaker is beginning to feel like he can almost move without
tremendous pain again, and will soon be a decent wrestler again. He's a
locker room leader. He leads the locker room. "Follow me, locker room, and
we shall defeat the evil bathrooms!"
Yeah, you're right. I didn't quite understand that one myself.
Road Dogg will become a marijuana friendly fan favourite and fill the
shoes of the Godfather, while X-Pac will be a heel. They won't be facing
each other, though. Because no one would care.
Expect more focus on Val Venis after his breakup from Trish the Boob
Babe.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Well looky here, the two-sentence paragraph continues on the next page.
Sez Jimbo: "Val's a player." Don't hate Val Venis, hate Triple-H!
Johnny Polo's comeback could happen within the next month, as could
Steve Regal's. Both are expected to deliver, even if the WWF have taken its
sweet-ass time delivering
them. That's, like, irony.
We'll see a Malenko/Crash relationship develop soon. They'll be renamed
Sleepy and Happy, respectively. Plans are also for Tazz to join the group
soon as Grumpy, and if that works out well, there's even talk that Benoit
will be added as Sneezy (because when you see him do the cut-throat hand
motion, the immediate reaction is "he's gonna sneeze!"), and TAKA and Sho
could be Bashful and Doc. Talks have resumed with Chris Candido to fill the
final spot of (wait for it). . . Dopey.
Al Snow as will be a comedy Euro champ, hilariously adopting stereotype
characteristics of various European countries. He'll drink tea and have
yellow horse-like
teeth one week, eat snails and be really pissy the next, and then have a
shaved head, a swastika tattoo and brown, blood-smeared boots the week
after that. Oh, the hilarity.
Locker room talk is positive when it comes to Kane's new persona, and
the Evil Burned Dentist himself might pick up his workrate to that of '99
levels. He's young and has not yet reached his sexual peak, says Ross. One
of the words in the preceding sentence shouldn't be there.
The official J. R. OAotW (Oral Action of the Week, 'cause it's not a
blowjob this time) goes to Lita. "Yes, Jim! Yes! Ooh! I am a helluva nice
person! Yes! Give it to me, Jimbo! Ahh, right there!! My rise to
prominence. . . does. . . indeed. . . aah!. . . continue to impress! Yes!
Ah. . . ah. . . AAAA! YES, JIMBO!!!"
Ross: "ORGASM! ORGASM! ORGASM! This is a SLOBBERBLOBBER!!!"
A now-sweaty Jim Ross feels like more people seem to be noticing Tazz,
and not just in the "look what I almost stepped on" manner. Jim hopes the
li'll guy gets over, but Ross won't help him out no more.
Dudleys vs APA! Slobberknockers! Who would the fans cheer? My money's on
both teams, as they team up to annihilate the RTC who'll undoubtedly
intervene and try to
stop the matches halfway through.
Matt and Jeff Hardyboy are in line for a tag title run soon, from where
Jimbo sits, which incidentally is ringside and the optimal placing for the
suicidal bumps they take.
Edge and Christian are like, *totally* awesome as well, though.
There's a UPN launch party coming up! And there ain't no party like a
UPN launch party, 'cause a UPN launch party has WWF superstars.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Those WWF superstars would be Edge, Christian, Jeff Hardyboy, Matt
Hardyboy, Jerry Lawler, the Kat, Terri, Lita and Ivory will be there.
Certainly a lot of eyecandy for
the guys, if you know what I mean. And for the girls. . . there's always
Lawler.
Asks Jimbo: "What do you know about Terri's relationship with Perry
Saturn?" That he makes her nipples erect. "Same here."
Look for Chris Benoit to get back in the title hunt soon to fool the
workrate freaks. Jim would like to see Benoit job to Austin in a few
months.
Lots of talent are gunning for Chyna's IC title, as she has little
talent and opposites attract. Look for action to heat up soon and the title
to hopefully be removed from the
waist of the Goodfather With Tits.
Speaking of those tits, there's a big promotional push planned for
Chyna's Playboy spread in the issue that goes on sale Sept 29. Expect Eddy
Guerrero to get the IC title
when they want to hype *his* nude pictorial.
Some Internet sites do indeed report accurate news and post
thought-provoking Notes from the Ross Report, but 1wrestling sucks a big
one. Ross did in fact cut his thumb
HARDWAY when he hit Tazz with the jar at SummerSlam. From what I gather (I
don't visit the site, so I can't be entirely certain), they reported that
he bladed his fucking
thumb?! That's interesting. But no the thumb-cut was real, so Jim will
from now on be remembered as "Bleeding Thumbs" Ross, hardcore legend!
The Big Fat Show will begin his weight loss program "in a few days,
maybe as early as next week" according to Ross. That tells us a little
about Jim's concept of time, does it
not. It's like saying Regal will return in a little over a month, maybe as
early as *next year*! Anyway, Wight's fat, he shouldn't be, and if he quits
being fat he'll get to come
back to the WWF. "Hopefully, he will be back at the end of the year." Or
maybe as early as NEVER!!
J.R.'s BBQ sauce should be out by the holidays. I believe Jim said that
last year, so he's staying true to his word.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Bob "Spark Plug" Holly will return within a couple of months, but will
have a metal rod in his arm for a year. He will use it to knock out
opponents illegally and then be forced to wear a protective elbow pad. If
you though Luger's plate was dangerous, just wait for the *rod*!
The WWF CookBook! will be great. Don't forget its forgettable name.
SummerSlam roold.
Thankee-sai.
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
Mail the Author
Visit WrestleArena
|
BLAH
|