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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
How JF is like WCW: I'm going to be hyping something to ridiculous lengths
without having a very specific plan on what the payoff may be. That said. .
.
THE COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN! THE INTERNET WRESTLING SCENE WILL BE
REVOLUTIONIZED! WAIT FOR IT! YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED! UNLESS YOU'RE
TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!
In this week's Ross Report: A million (roughly) page breaks! In this week's
Notes from the Ross Report: No page breaks, just notification as to when
they appear in the original to show you what a huge favour I'm doing you.
So is there really a reason to read the "actual" Report rather than the
Notes from it? No!
(The fact that the NftRR usually don't get posted until three or four days
after the original is ignored for the sake of the above paragraph.)
For what it's worth, the Notes were written on Saturday, before SummerSlam.
But this is being written now, after SummerSlam. Follow? I don't know if it
matters any, but that's the facts, Jack. And also, it fills out the intro.
On with the show.
Notes from the Ross Report
Waddayaknow. . . Summer's almost over, and SummerSlam live from rrRaleigh
is just around the corner. Jimbo and the WWF have kept a hellacious
schedule, much like I haven't, but Jimbo can't believe that the summer's
gone by so quickly. Time flies when you're having fun, and flies you squish
with the latest issue of Time look funny, as they say. In July, as with any
other month of the year, J.R. predicted the PPV to be a sleeper show, and
by golly, the July PPV was great! Even if Jim doesn't seem to remember the
name of it! True to form, he predicts SummerSlam will also rock the boat,
don't knock the boat over, but rock the boat. Angle, HHH, and The Rock will
be challanged to make something out of the limited structure that the sucky
triangle match stip creates. . . People have too high expectations on
Jericho and Benoit, sez Jim, and in the same sentence exclaims that their
match at SummerSlam could be a classic. If the two Canucks "relax and have
some fun", it should be a MotY candidate, which makes it seem like the
Godfather had all the tools to have great matches with anyone due to this
"fun-having" factor. . . Undertaker vs Kane "won't be pretty". . . The
TenderLovingCare match could be a lot of fun, and WWF officials have high
hopes that none of the participants will make too much of a mess on the
floor when they try to kill themselves by jumping from high places. I'm
looking at you, Buh-Buh. . .Ross thinks X-Pac vs Road Dogg will be very
solid, but realizes just how little anyone cares about it. Gee, and I
thought a friendly rivalry between two low-card heels over absolutely
nothing was a bonafide heat-machine for sure. . . "White Man" Steve
Blackman vs Shane McSon could surprise a lot of people (at least those who
didn't see last year's SummerSlam; they know what Blackman can do), and the
same goes for Tazz the Ross-killer vs Jerry "the Perv" Lawler. "Thug-life
bred" rhymes with "pug-like head", by the way. . . Eddy and Val might have
one or two athletic exchanges.
!!! PAGE BREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARAGRAPH !!!
But we all know Chyna vs Trish The Boob Babe is the real attraction.
Bring on that bulldog, Trish! Bring on that sloppy handspring elbow and
that lowblow, Chyna!
There are still a few tickets available for SummerSlam due to TV
production 'holds' being released, but the PPV will almost certainly do
what is known in the business as "Any ECW Wrestler For 50 Cents". Or "sell
out", for those not familiar with the lingo.
Thanks to the good ol' doctors at the Tulane Medical Good Ol' Hospital,
Good Ol' J.R.'s right eye will be as good as ol'. Jimbo will still be at
ringside at SummerSlam, which is very good news. Tazz's new angle seems to
be that he's such a heel that he's trying to make everyone ordering
SummerSlam suffer through an evening of Michael Cole and Whoever the Hell
is Fourth in Line on commentary by wrestling Lawler and blinding Ross. And
if that don't get you heel heat, nothing will.
Steve Austin will begin his in-ring training soon, at his ranch in Texas.
And I thought we weren't supposed to try this at home. . . Stone Cold is
looking for a way-to-early (as the common practice in the WWF is) return to
action in mid-Octobre, but J.R. can assure us that The Rattlesnake can
already get plenty physical, which I assume is Jimbo's way of telling us
how Austin is boffing Debra a couple of times a day.
Last Monday was the WWF's 89th win in a row over some other Monday show.
The Rock will be in New York City on Sept 22 (so get in line, damnit!) to
do promotional work for "Finally, the Mummy has come back to Egypt".
Universal Studios Hollywood's Halloween Horror Nights IV - which is an
amusement park, I gather - will feature an attraction called "The
Undertaker: No Mercy.", which is of course based on everyone's second
favourite dead man. You can relive the Giant Gonzales feud through the
magic of scary-looking 8-foot chia pets, or enter the incredibly scary (if
you look like the average Internet wrestling fan, especially) mirror room,
where you experience the horror of standing face to face with yourself -
just like UT did in 94!
Driving the SummerSlam Chevy in the NASCAR Redneck Series race in
Bristol, Hillbillyville will be none other than Hermie Sadler. Go Hermie!
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
WWF NY has been busy lately due to the large number of WWF wrestlers who
have dropped in (because they're paid to). What, you thought people went
there for the food? Think again, Jimmy.
Ross: "Big news from the XFL this week with team names and uniform
colors, etc., announced. How long will it take for the net to run rampant
with the "Hitmen" name of the NY/NJ team? How can we tie this back in to
the 1997 Survivor Series in Montreal? Is Bret Hart returning to the WWF?
This can't simply be that this is just a helluva cool name for an XFL team,
can it? There just has to be more to this story, right? . . . By the way,
if you couldn't tell: I was being SARCASTIC!!"
Well, duh.
Jimbo asks me if I can believe how many people have registered to vote
thanks to the "Smackdown Your Vote" campaign. My reply is: 'No, but could
you tell me?', but the Oklahoman simply ignores that request. The little
bitch.
Look out for MTV's "Countdown to SummerSlam" some time during Sunday.
It's thirty minutes long, which should add up to about nine million,
three-hundred thousand cuts or so. I hope they use the "rewind one quote
and beat it into the ground to foreshadow something" that they use in
BioRhythm. "I can assure you, Steph and I are just friends". . . "Steph and
I are just friends"... "just friends"... "friends"... "Steph and I are just
friends"... "just friends"... "I can assure you." That's not annoying at
all, you know.
WWF Radio, this time Pettingill-free, I fear, returns on Saturday with
Mick Foley, Too Cool, Tori, Chyna, Eddy, and Trish the Boob Babe all
participating from WWF New York, probably meaning they'll call in and
request a song.
Jim asks if you saw that WWF commercial during the final Survivor
episode, like he expected anyone to be watching that shit. Like, as if!
The Rock was the first guest out on 'The Tonight Show' with Jaws Leno
last Wednesday, and if he'd been out second, I'm pretty certain Jimbo
would've busted a cap in Leno's ass, from his tone of type.
The WWF TV Guide covers have gone over well. . .
!!! PAGE BREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF A TWO-SENTENCE PARAGRAPH !!!
The WWF TV Guide covers have gone over well, especially with freaky ECW
recappers who masturbate to them. Only in Toledo!
Speaking of mastubation material for people devoid of the real thing,
there's an Entertainment Weekly profile featuring Stephanie McDaughter.
A team of WWF superstars led by The Perv will face the Michael Bolton All
Stars (with guys like Yanni and David Hasselhoff in key roles, I would
guess) today at 1 pm in Durham, N.C. Sorry you missed it, ain't ya? Jim
predicted that the WWF will have gotten their asses handed to themselves in
the game (softball, right?), but will hopefully pulverize the sleazy ballad
singer and his crew in the post-game brawl. If there's ever a time for a
Sid run-in, this would be it.
Filler paragraph about football. Next!
We shouldn't expect Kat vs Terri to be a Brisco-Funk, Flair-Steamboat,
Booger-Virgil, or Rock-Austin five-star match, but it'll appeal to the
horny twelve year olds who are spoiled enough to have their parents order
the show for them, and that's why it's on the card. When the hell did The
Rock and Austin ever have a five-star match, by the way?
Tori and UPN 9, a winning tag team. It's for the Jerry Lewis Telethon
Labor Day weekend, and I hear both the WWF folk and UPN 9 personell are
hoping that the immense marketing will lead to more money. You've got the
awesome ratings I'm certain UPN 9 always get coupled with Tori, for crying
out loud. You can't lose!
Chris Jericho will be shooting! a commercial for Taco Bell, which I guess
if the WWF's way of making up for the angle where they kidnapped and
murdered Taco Bell's former mascot for the purposes of getting the Boss Man
over. No telling what they'll have to do to compensate for killing Wight's
daddy, though.
The Rock will take part in the MTV Video Music awards from NYC next
month. I hope they have him present one of the lesser awards (like "best
pop" or such) and then use the catchphrase when the winner goes to accept
it. "It doesn't matter who you wanna thank!"
Mick Foley's next book will be thought-provoking, and J.R. smellslalalala
another No.
!!! WHY YES, IT'S A PAGE BREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING
SENTENCE !!!
As I was saying, J.R. smellslalalala another No. 1 bestseller. Jerry
Lawler does the artwork, and I hear that there's a hidden perversion in
every drawing if you look really close.
It seems as if the demotion of The Big Fat Show to Ohio Valley Wrestling
(OVW) in Louisville, Ky, has taken on a life of its own, much like Bastion
Booger's tights did. Jimbo assures us that there are no hidden agendas; The
guy is simply too fat and needs to drop some weight. Some suggest that
Show's top weight should be no more than 400 pounds, but Jim won't be
satisfied until Wight gets below the 212 pound mark. Same goes for Mark
"Fat" Henry. Both could become big-time players if they drop the weight,
improve their conditioning, become better sellers, improve their promo
skills, add many more moves to their repertoirs, learn to do a moonsault,
get a better sense of pacing, use transitions properly, and generally stop
sucking. So the potential is still there.
The WWF CookBook! will be titled "Can you take the heat?" It will contain
many pictures for the younger fans, along with numerous hilarious
food-related stories from WWF wrestlers. Like the one where Mark Henry ate
a turd, as told by Droz but cut out at the last second. Spotthatshit,
yo-yo.
Take care and Jimbo will see us (albeit through only one eye, and we'll
be sort of blurry) at SummerSlam!
He won't see me!
Thankee-sai,
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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