Main
BLAH
|
NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Yo yo yo! What it is, motherfuckers!
The Notes from the Ross Report are back after a four or five week layoff. I
hope you're not too angry with me for forcing you to enter the evil realm
of wwf.com and read the "actual" Ross Report, a million page breaks and all.
Pac Man is high on crack. Yup.
Before we get to the mega-hot newsbits this week (including an update on
Steve Bradley!), I shall start to subtly hype some HUGH JAZZ (or huge-ass,
dimwits) things currently in development - something that will
REVOLUTIONIZE the Internet wrestling scene completely - by saying three
little words: Wait for it.
By the way, when I use ALL CAPS to emphasize words, you know I'm being
serious. Or joking. Either one will do.
Incoherent introductory ramblings ending. Initiating NftRR.
NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
"Stone Cold" update: It's T-60 days until he can return to the ring. Or
T-59 days, really, since I'm writing this on Saturday. CRZ will no doubt
post this around Wednesday for some reason, so [/slash] readers can do your
own math. In any event, those 60 days will be spent losing what's left of
the beer gut, as Mr. Austin is looking to drop ten pounds or so down to
245. Debra and the Rattlesnake (do rattlesnakes and puppies go together? I
would assume that the snake would just attack the pups and bite--. . .
Forget I said anything.) are getting married in Las Vegas soon, which is at
least classier than your average Texas wedding. You know, where the bride's
father is aiming a shotgun at the groom just for insurance, and the vows
include Jerry Springer quotes. Steve Austin, Hollywood superstar that he
is, has also turned down a lot of movie and television deals to be able to
return to doing what he loves. Which is Debra, I guess. Steve surprised the
gullible tourists with money to burn in attendance at WWF NY by staggering
in drunk Thursday night, by the way.
The Big Fat Show has a herniated disc and will be sent to OVW in
Louisville, -or as it is known in the business, Fat Camp- to improve his
timing and attitude. No word on how long he'll stay there, but three months
is a good cooling off period, isn't it?
Trish The Boob Babe, Commissioner Mick Foley, Too Cool, Eddy and Chyna
will all be on WWF SummerSlam radio on Saturday, August the 26th. It will
originate from WWF NY, of course, so come look at them and spend your cash
on overpriced food, why don't you?
Brock "N. Broll" Lesnar has miles to go before being good enough to debut
for the WWF, but he's down in Louisville and the former NCAA (No-one Cares
About Amateurs) "National Champion Heavyweight grappler" is progressing
well. Remember that once you read about him being in dark matches before
RAWs, you'll know it's just a matter of years until his TV unveiling.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
There's still tickets left for SummerSlam, emanating from Raleigh, NC.
'Raleigh' sounds Alabaman to me, by the way. There's been over $1 million
in ticket sales already, and it sure looks like it'll make like an ECW
headliner and sell out.
Road Dogg, Bradshaw and Faarooq will be in Bristol, Tenn for a NASCAR
race this Friday. Good to see they're all staying true to their redneck
roots.
Trish the Boob Babe and Test (the TTs, if you're in a WWF-booker-like
mood) will be at the Air Canada Centre on Friday, August 25, to plug the
WWF's first visit to said Centre two month later. Not much joke material
there, I'm sorry to say. It's Canada, so what can you do?
Lita's popularity is rising, proportionally to the waistline of her pants
lowering. She's getting almost as many requests for appearances as her
thong panties are, and that's a lot. Trish is also becoming more and more
popular, probably as people are realizing just how big those boobies really
are.
Expect to see X-Pac vs Road Dogg, Kat vs Terri, and Phatu/Too Cool vs RTC
to be added to the SummerSlam card. Expect nothing good in terms of
workrate. Expect no heat for the DX match. Expect unfunny comedy and no
actual nudity in the women's match. Expect the RTC match to be heated as
hell, and expect trash to be thrown into the ring when they win it.
Kane-UT at SummerSlam should be interesting for a number of reasons, not
the least of which being that it's been thrown together at the last minute.
J.R. expects them to have a "helluva" match from Hell.
Chyna. Playboy magazine. Jimbo expects record numbers, and I wouldn't be
surprised. In addition to the usual demographic, I expect the Chyna photos
to attract new buyers among key groups such as lesbians, near-sighted Xena
fanboys, and freaky ECW recappers with leather fetishes who masturbate to
TV Guide covers.
The WWF pulled another 'ECW headliner' (meaning sell-out, damnit. Where's
your memory?) for a show this Saturday in Greenville, SC. Ticket revenue
was at $400,000, which is around 399,950 bucks more than the usual amount
of dough ECW grapplers usually leave the bingo hall for.
During his visit at WWF NY, Steve Austin praised Triple-H. This sets up a
feud between the two in the future, if I read Ross correctly.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Paul Bearer will likely be backstage this Monday when the WWF go to
Mobile Homes, Alabama, but there's no news for his return to TV. Soon,
Jimbo hopes. Him and everyone else.
'Just Joe' is impressing 'Just Jim' with his in-ring abilities, and he
"could become a hand in the near future."
Val Venis needs to talk more, but is a top hand and is "this close." Ross
won't say what he's close to, but I suspect it's either complete baldness
or being teamed up old partner Joe if he can't find his heat soon. And
since you may have noticed the two consecutive paragraphs containing the
word "hand" in a context it's not usually reserved for, well. . .
[ !!! WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM FOR A SPECIAL PREDICTION
BULLETIN !!!
'Hand', as in 'guy who can carry good matches', will become the next phrase
overused by people who want to let everyone know how well they know the
business and how they are much smarter than other smarts. Jimbo will use it
more and more, and then Scott Keith will include it in a rant. Next thing
you know, every single Rantsylvania writer will be using it, as is
customary with any phrase Keith starts using a lot. Then, about six months
down the line, WCW commentators will start using it to suck up to the
Internet fans.
Don't say I didn't warn you. We can only hope that by bringing it up here
in the widely read and extremely influential NftRR, I have stopped this
horrible turn of events from taking place. Pray for it.
. . . . We now return you to your scheduled programming . . . .]
Triple-H was on C-Dawg O'Brien recently, and did a good job. Conan is a
big WWF fan, and HHH is funny 'n' stuff. I suspect the Fabio On Crack
nickname to hang around for a bit.
RAW and SmackDown! ratings continue to impress TV execs, who are amazed
at the popularity of men in tights pretend-fighting. A lot of shows would
like to garner the ratings those shows get. WCW would like to garner the
ratings Caroline in the City re-runs get.
Scott Vick will be out for a while with a broken jaw. It's nothing too
serious, says Jimbo. I hope this doesn't slow his push down too much.
Bob "Spark Plug" Holly is working out, but can't put too much pressure on
his broken arm. He's coming back in a few months as scheduled, though. If I
sacrifice enough to my gods, perhaps he'll step in as color commentator at
SummerSlam. We don't want Cole there in Lawler's place. We don't. Remember
that.
Tori's rehab is also going well, and she'll be back "better than ever" in
a few months, probably in time for a spot in a ladies' eight-man tag at
Survivor Series. Will she be able to go all-out when she does those crotch
chops, though?
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
We finally get an update on Tiger Ali Singh! No idea where the bag of
suck has been lately, but he'll be sent to Memphis now, along with Steve
Bradley. Singh is Canadian.
Jimbo saw some clever "J.R.'s BBQ sauce" signs on TV last week, but he's
still looking for those "J.R.'s BJotW" signs. He holds out hope for future
WWF stops Lafayette and New Orleans. Ross going to Louisiana brings back
all sort of great memories of working with such people as Bill Watts, Ernie
Ladd, the Junkyard Dog, and many other 'greats', who're in fact so great
that no one would recognize the names if he mentioned them. New Orleans
will be the "sight" of the next Royal Rumble, says Jim. If the scenery's
more fun to look at than the performances, the action can't be all that
great. . .
Filler paragraph about football. Next!
Ross talked with some Houston Astrodome people recently. It's the site
for WrestleMania 2001, or as I like to say: "It Should Be Called
WrestleMania XVII, You Bitches, Not WrestleMania 2001!" I suspect this
business about switching the roman numeral to the year is only step one.
Then we'll have WrexxleManya 2002. Because they're so HIP!
Unforgiven, the September PPV from Philadelphia has also managed an 'ECW
headliner'. Business is great!
As well it should, because the Ross Report is one big commercial for
upcoming events! RAW. Greensboro. August 28.
Jack Brisco has had surgery to remove part of his intestine.
EEEEEWWWWWW!!!!! To soothe the pain, he and his brother get a blowjob.
Nothing major, but the most apparent one this week. Hence, the BJotW.
Congrats.
Remember to buy multiple TV Guides with wrestlers on the cover. There's
also a story on the WWF, but the pictures are obviously the main selling
point. A picture is worth more than a thousand words, especially if you're
an illiterate wrestling fan.
Sez Jim: "Lots of positioning and posturing by some wishing to explore
their options in the WWF. Apparently, poor management, a lack of
organization, and gang-rapes of anyone who dared to question Russo's
booking have motivated some to want to change addresses. No one will be
considered to join the team if they are unable to leave negative baggage
behind and become a positive force in our locker room. (Hear that
Goldberg?) Unfortunately, that could eliminate a lengthy list of talent.
(Hear that, Lanny Poffo?) The next few weeks could very well be some of the
most interesting times many of us have seen in a good while, as certain
wrestling promotions based in Atlanta crash and burn for the millionth time
in the past couple of years, and the WWF is there to pick up the leftovers
at will."
Obligatory hype for this week's TV tapings.
Take drugs and I'll see you here next week!
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
Mail the Author
Visit WrestleArena
|
BLAH
|
