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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
He-HEY! Again!
Two NftRR in one week? Well yes, due to CRZ's little drug habit. Damnit,
can't the man work on the site at least a year nonstop without talking time
off?! Lazy bastard. . .
Hey guys, you know what we could do? We could pretend that the overdose of
NftRRs this week is a very special gift to [slash] readers on the one-year
anniversary of the site. Yeah, let's do that.
Congratulations, readers!
You know what's great about the Notes from the Ross Report? I mean, other
than the lack of annoying page breaks and hours upon hours of loading time
that's an omnipresent (big word point for me!) bug up the ass for anyone
trying to read the so-called "real" Ross Report over at wwf.com? It's that
the NftRR is "the only report that both enlightens AND entertains!",
according to the best damn ECW recapper on the web. I forget his name.
Enough self-fellatio. Let's get it on.
Notes from the Ross Report (this week's)
Hardcore "Thurman" Holly's arm is still broken, and we'll be without the
bestest dropkick in the business for at least three months. He'll return to
TV before that, though, doing nothing. He neglected to have his arm set or
take any pain killers the night it was broken, making him either tough as
nails or dumb as Nailz, I don't know which. Be like Hardcore Holly, kidz:
Just say "no" to drugs.
Tori's got a tear in the labrum cornholio magnamus danglibang, which is
tissue that controls the humorous in the shoulder, whatever the hell that
is. She hurt her funny bone, I guess. She's to be commended for still going
through the table at the King of the Ring as a weak payoff for the Dudley
Boyuzz who should have beat DX in that match, only one day after she
injured the shoulder at a house show. She'll be "out of physical activity
for two to three months." Could it mean. . . No crotch chops!?!
More injuries for non-wrestlers: Shane McSon injured his knee at the King
of the Ring, explaining why that main event didn't turn out to be the
five-star classic everyone expected. He'll consult with Dr. Jim-Bob Andrews
next week.
Big Fat Mothafuckin' Vis has been cleared to return to the ring after his
big fat mothafuckin' shoulder separation. Whopee.
"White Vis" Paul Wight has also been cleared to return. Herb Kunze must
be salivating with the prospect of these two guys coming back to action. Or
foaming at the mouth, I never get that right.
Terri and the Kat will both be in Bristol, Hell for WWF
Racing. Come smell the fumes!
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Kane will be making a personal appearance in Peoria, Illinois for their
local baseball team on Friday. If I changed that to softball and made the
easy Sid joke, would anyone notice that I wasn't staying true to the
source? Thought so.
J.R., Jerry "The Perv" Lawler, The Kat, and Chyna will be at the VSDA
awards in Vegas this weekend. VSDA stands for Ve Said Dis Already. Last
week, actually.
Shane McSon will become more visible on TV, and will be surrounding
himself with "interesting associates". I'm visualizing the band of midgets
that was once planned for Eric Bischoff's entourage. He's already got
Benoit, and Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) is RIGHT THERE, BABY!, as CRZ
would say.
The Undertaker and Kurt Angle is a very intriguing pairing, sez Jimbo,
but acknowledges that Undertaker is a walking wounded who'll suck the
quality out of any match he's in.
Hey, at least Jericho-Triple H will be good, right? Buy Fully Loaded
today!
Obligatory WWF New York plug. WWF superstars can sometimes stand it when
they have to be there!
Let's go back to talking about Paul Wight again. He's tall. He's big.
Some may even say that he's fat. But when he comes back, he better work
hard, or Jimbo will blast him in each and every Ross Report. "We believe
the Big Show can and will become a major player" says J.R., and this is an
excellent opportunity for me to teach all my readers something. You know in
Donnie Brasco when Al Pacino explains to Johnny Depp about "mine" and
"our"? If he says "This is Johnny Brasco, a friend of mine.", you're still
an outsider, but if he says "This is Donnie Depp, a friend of ours.",
you're a-OK and the scummy mafiosos can talk about their friends in the
meat industry who they're sending to chop off the toes of someone who's
talked about them behind their back or whatever. Well, with good ol' J.R.
it's like this: If he says "I think," "in my view," or the ever-popular
“from where I sit,” that's Jimbo talking. However, if he says "we believe",
he means that some of the people in power think so, but Jimbo himself
doesn't agree one bit.
Now you know.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Brag, brag, brag. WWF events sell out quicker than ECW wrestlers with
brains.
"Nothing at all to the rumors that some former WWF Superstars are slated
to return to their former employer. Why would the WWF want older,
often-injured talents with "me-first" attitudes?" Why indeed. Damn you and
your egocentric personality, Mike Shaw!
Obligatory WWF CookBook! plug, which Ross says will be a great
collectible. So basically, buy it but don't read it. Because it'll suck.
Mick Foley will go to Southeast Asia, where he is a legend best known
under the name meaning "Western Man Smelling Like BBQ", to promote the WWF
and blow himself up.
D'Lo and C'Haz, the Jersey Boyz, have looked good
lately and have great potential to make tiny impact in the tag division. If
they work hard, they might some day be the number six team in the Fed.
Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) is beginning to gain momentum, like a
miniature pebble barely noticeable to the naked eye rolling down a hill.
Jim says there's still belief that this scrappy li'll guy could be a top
guy in the WWF. And he uses first person singular!
Chris Benoit's rivalry with the Rock could lead to some of the most
athletic contests we’ve ever seen, says Jimbo. "It's the battle of workrate
vs mainstream. . . Only one will reign supreme. . . Only one will be hailed
the victor. . . Only one will lead the World Wrestling Federation into the
future. . . And the other guy is Chris Benoit." That's the promo package
right there!
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
The Undertaker is still not 100%, probably because, you know, he was
brought back way too early in order to inject some new blood into the main
event picture the easy way back when only the Rock and Triple-H were
anywhere near the title, and wrestling isn't exactly the best way to help
heal an American BadPec. This veteran Oldsmobile is a leader figure in the
locker room, though, which at least makes his presence good for something.
Lots of WWF superstars are given the opportunity to move up the
proverbial ladder of success, and it's their own fault if their proverbial
asses can't handle it. Some unnamed wrestlers are rumored to be whining
about being held down, but Jimbo says they can just fuck the fuck off.
WWF prospects in OVW are doing very well under the guidance of
"Dangerous" Danny Davis and Jim Cornette. Ohio Valley Wrestling, which
confusingly enough is located in Louisville, Kentucky, is made up a very
hard-working talented group of outstanding athletes, and as this is the
most thorough of this week's verbal fellatios, it's the official J.R.
BJotW. Congratulations to the entire roster, especially as this is the
nearest most of you will get to a real mainstream push.
More often than not when there are rumours that the WWF is interested in
someone employed by another Fed, it's the wrestler himself who's spreading
the word in order to sweeten his deal with the company he's with. This old
tired game amazingly works a lot of the time, says Jimbo, even if we're all
sad that it didn't for poor little Paul Roma way back when. Well, at least
I'm sad about it. He wuz damn cool.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Speaking of old, tired games, let's talk football! The same thing as last
week about Jerry Lawler and Jimbo’s sucky chances at being part of the XFL
broadcasts next year. Jimbo assures us that if they do get the spot, they
sure won't spend time over analyzing Xs and Os, which is probably the
reason who no one’s bothered to explain what the hell the 'X' in XFL stands
for.
Take drugs!
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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