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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
He-HEY!
CRZ takes time off, presumably to smoke some weed with his hippie buddies,
dude. So this is the notes from last week's Ross Report, written a week ago
and posted on a carefully selected Delphi forum. The exclusive [slash]
intro (what you're reading now, homes!) is written just now, though. And
it's only getting bigger and bigger as I'm typing. Fascinating, this.
Observe: I type, the intro grows. It's an interesting phenomenon.
New feature in this week's NftRR: I let you know how blessed you are for
reading this instead of the original Ross Report by pointing out the
shitload of fucking ScoopThis-like page breaks you get when visiting
wwf.com. Oh, and you're welcome.
Because I'm writing this now but wrote the NftRR proper last week, I
already know what's going to appear below. For those of you who just can't
wait, I shall tell you ahead of time. . . If you want to wait for the
results, close your eyes.
!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!
It's going to be more of the usual crap.
!!!!END SPOILER!!!!
There. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled programming, namely the. . .
Notes from the Ross Report (from last week)
Let's start off with a bang and the first of many WWF New York plugs.
Finally, the hos have come back to Times Square!
The new TV deal could mean huge things for the WWF, as Viacom/CBS brings
with it MTV, Nickelodeon, Paramount Pictures, VH1, and UPN. With the
connection to both CBS and NBC (with the Xational Football League), not
only can the Rock be on both Dave Letterman and Cocksucker Leno to plug the
Fed, but "WWFE has improved its position in the marketplace tremendously."
Yeah! VH1! This was a slobberblobber of a decision, by the way.
The Xational Football League will have a press conference on July 3rd,
the same day as an Orlando RAW is WAR. Gee, think that will lead to
anything?
Speaking of the XFL, Jimbo and Lawler did well at the commentator
tryouts, at least according to WWF TV execs. Ross still doesn't think
they'll get the job since they're perceived as "rasslin" guys by the suits.
You don't think the cowboy hat and the king's crown has anything to do with
it, Jimbo?
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Bob Holly broke his arm after taking Kurt Angle's moonsault and still
finished the match. He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Holly could be a
top-level performer in the WWF, sez J.R. But he won't.
The Rock, "Don't You Even Try To Forget About" Steve Austin and Debra
joined Ross at his house last Wednesday for the WWF cookbook cover shoot.
Austin's beerbelly has decreased in volume a bit, and this was achieved
even without having to send him to Ohio Valley or Memphis, which as we all
know is the Jenny Craig of the WWF. Austin's working out, his neck can
almost hold his head up for seconds at a time, and he'll be examined in
August. All of which you should know if you've read a single Notes from the
Ross Report (or original Ross Report, but why would you want to read that?)
in the past few months. If Ross makes good use of his AutoCorrect, I bet he
can write a whole Ross Report in about a minute.
Speaking of Stone Cold, he "spent several hours this week at WWF New
York, all unscheduled and on his own." Whoa, even without help from the
nurses? This was WWF NY plug # 2 this week, if you care.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
"Mmmph...top two or three mic men...gurgleslobber...will be given plenty
of opportunities to display his significant verbal skills...gurglegulp." In
other words: Welcome back, Mick. Have the J.R. BJotW!
Graynd Mayster Sexay, The Big Sho Funaki, and TAKA Michinoku have all
re-signed with the WWF, yet they get no oral love from them succulent
Oklahoman lips. Jimbo again fucks up the intended ALL CAPS approach to
TAKA's first name, and if this keeps up, I. . . well, I'll just have to
start a mailing campaign, won't I?!
Fat Guy In White and Fat Guy In Blue, aka Vic "Key" Grimes and the
Meanie, have both been released. They're now free to sign with anyone they
want, but if you're going to see them in one of the Other Two, I'd put my
money on ECW, especially if The Ruse returns to WCW. He doesn't like
colored people, you see.
The WWF is *not* negotiating with Barry Horowitz Wins. I bet Barry
himself started that rumour.
Chyna, Lawler, The Kat, the Hardy Boyuzz and J.R.(in order of importance)
will all be in Las Vegas next weekend, visiting the annual VSDA video
convention. Vhat Stands De Anagram (for)?, I ask myself.
Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) will likely be a heel in the future. Ross
really believes that "that there little short orange fellow", as he calls
him, could be a big-time player in the WWF.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
WWF NY plug # 3. A few of the WWF Divas actually sometimes pay a visit
when they are contractually obligated to!
Tori took the ride through the table at the KotR even though she suffered
a separated shoulder the night before in MSG, meaning that. . . She's
hardcore! She's hardcore! Not in the manner that some of you (dirty
perverts!) might hope, but still, she's hardcore! Unless the shoulder's
plastic as well.
Both Kane and Tits Stratus will be making appearances for WWF Racing this
Saturday in Toronto. To be honest, I didn't even know that Canada had
rednecks.
"Looks like Chris Benoit is headed towards a shot at The Rock in the next
few weeks." Looks like Herb Kunze is headed towards an ejaculation.
To further cater to the Internet schmarts, Jimbo says he likes the
chemistry between Jericho and Triple-H and that we should be seeing some
big time matches. That means that they'll be in the same ring together at
least once per week from now until Fully Loaded, if I understand correctly.
More activity in the LH title region? Ross wouldn't be surprised, and
Herb goes and gets some more paper tissue. Me, I realize that even one
single two-minute title defense on HeAT would translate into more
lightweight action than now, so I remain negative. At least until J.R.
learns how to properly type TAKA.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Stevie is getting TV time, and that's a Good Thing. This time, let's hope
that the censorship angle stays alive for more than a month (fifth time's
the charm!), although with Mr. Injury in the main role, I'd say the odds
are pretty damn low.
Undertaker has been getting good heat, and fans seem to like his new
persona "American Badass Who Can't Wrestle Because of His American BadPec".
The Big Show will return to the WWF in about two weeks. Do you realize
that he copied Stevie Richards' "steal people's gimmicks and then get
injured" gimmick perfectly? I smell feud.
D'Lo and Mosh/Chaz will team up on a regular basis, possibly under the
name "Lowdown". You think Perry Saturn might right now be the first person
in history who regrets leaving WCW?
"I'm sick of the whole John Rocker saga. Living in Connecticut, the media
are killing us with this never-ending story as Rocker's Braves play the
Mets at Shea Stadium this weekend. Rocker seems to be as dumb as a box of
rocks from where I sit." Thank God Jimbo said this, as now we'll surely see
media shutting up about it! Or maybe Jim just made a pointless blurb about
the very subject he's whining that people are talking to much about, I
don't know. . .
Jim Ross and Oklahoma Sooners head football coach Bob Stoops are
apparently exchanging love notes.
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
WWF Cookbook update again. The update is that there is no update. And as
this is our last paragraph, we can conclude that the long-running streak of
weekly J.R.'s BBQ sauce plugs is over, and it seems we have new challenger
in the field of "not out yet but I'll plug it for a year anyway". I think I
miss the BBQ sauce. . .
Take care and don't ever sign with WCW.
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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