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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Damn, Notes from the Ross Report two weeks in a row. Has that even happened
once since I began doing them for [slash]? I blame lack of alcohol for the
consistency.
In other news: EmZee is dead, Scott Keith is going to the moon, and Vince
Russo may or may not be on his way back to work in a video store. Nothing
Earth-shattering, in other words. However, there might be something in
store for JF fanboys (I'm looking at you, Herb Kunze) in upcoming weeks.
Stay tuned.
That's it for now. On with the report of the report.
Lots of injury updates:
Godfather. Twisted ankle. Doubtful for the weekend. Questionable for
TV. Dean Malenko almost ready to go all out with the gimmick instead.
"Where my hos at?"
Eddie Guerrero. Knocked heads with Pimp Daddy Dean Malenko on TV.
Lump on his forehead. Jump on his whorebed. Will not miss any bookings.
Jeff Hardy. Experiencing stomach pains. Under doctor's care. Will
not miss any bookings. Because a stomach ache is not really a hindrance to
attempted suicide.
Undertaker. Still recuperating from American bad-pec surgery. Tough
as nails and all that.
Big Show. Scheduled to be released from doctor's care in a week or
two. Rehab ongoing. Working out hard. Fat.
Steve Blackman. Sore knee. MRI pending. Will be at TVs, as if you'd
notice if he wasn't.
Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent). May be able to return at King of
the Ring, perhaps to reprise his old gimmick as Prince Sleazy. Bicep
healing well. Needs to knock rust off and buy a ladder before being able to
return to WWF rings.
Viscera. Doctors happy with not having been killed when Big Vis
slipped and fell.
Billy Ass. Rotator cuff healing well. Will know estimated return
date by end of June. Looks to be September. High hopes for "never" from me,
though.
Tiger Ali Singh. Sucks.
Stone Cold Steve Austin. Continues to train daily. Working as hard
as possible on his conditioning. Neck healing well and is able to hold his
head upright long enough for photoshoots for misleading PPV ads. Strength
improving, can now throw dice. Timetable is still end of August for the
next update. No return date set. Beerbelly.
The New York City Licensing Show was this week, as mentioned in the last
Ross Report. Billy Gunn, Ivory, Kane, Triple-H, Stephanie and the Dudley
Boyz were there. No mention of Mick Foley, so I guess he got lost on the
way over. Everyone did a good job representing the WWF and antagonizing
Goldberg to the point where he got into a roid rage and made a fool of
himself. Jimbo gives extra props to Ivory, presumably hoping that I'll give
him a nice masturbation visual by describing a JR Cunnilingus of the Week.
No deal, Jimbo.
WWF cookbook update: It'll be around two hundred pages, and contain up to
four recipes! No One Important have done an awesome job on this project.
Among the recipes and the page-filling photos, there'll be personal
stories. Like the first time the Rock tastes poontang pie or an in-depth
description of when Mark Henry ate feces as part of a prank, for example.
Word to Ross's mother. The cover will feature Stone Cold, Debra, Rock, Tori
and J.R., meaning it's wrestling two biggest stars along with two of the
finest pieces of eye candy. Plus Debra.
Last Wednesday, Tazz and Ivory were caught porkin' in Virginia!
Rikishi and Too Cool shot their Crunch 'n Munch TV commercial in Chicago
Wednesday. They crunch! And munch! And munch and munch and crunch! Munch
munch munch! Crunch crunch crunch! The fat-assed Samoan show!
Terri is in Columbus, Ohio, Friday night at the Pontiac Nationals. Check
my oil, baby. We'll see more of her on TV soon. That can be interpreted as
"more TV time", or the horn dog way, "see more of her, he-he,
he-he". Jimbo selects the latter category.
Too Cool, Edge and Christian, Perry Saturn, Hardcore Holly and Kurt Angle
are all in Puerto Rico Friday night for IWA (Victor Quinones). Whoa! This
is big news, dude! I mean, Jim said the exact same thing last week, but
this time he changed the order of the names! Just a bit, but it's
noticable, dangit.
Chyna is on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" Friday, ready to debate the
pros and cons of sporting a huge chin. The Rock is on "The Tonight Show"
next Friday, June 23. Jay Leno sucks.
In continuing with the theme of repeating every damn thing that was said
in last week's Ross Report, Jim let's us know that the Headbangers, TAKA
and The Big Sho Funaki will be in Texas this weekend for Shawn Michaels'
backyard fed. Jimbo still doesn't know how to type TAKA.
The WWF comes to the Target Center in Minneapolis on Saturday, and
Governor Jesse Ventura may attend. Ah, who cares about some boring old
politician?
Al Snow is still stuck in Hawaii. I bet they just gave him a one-way
ticket.
Ohio Valley Wrestling has a show in Louisville, Ky. next Friday night. I
took a glance at their website, and quite a number of their superstars have
first and last names beginning with the same letters. There's Scotty Sabre,
Rip Rogers, Randy Royal, Kid Kwik, and of course referee Phil Phair. I have
come to the conclusion that, if you want your kid to become a pro-wrestler,
make sure his name's an alliteration, and you'll increase their chances
greatly. Anyway, according to Ross, there are ". . .SEVERAL top prospects
currently in Louisville who are young, athletic and hungry!" As opposed to
the ones in Memphis who are just hungry, like Mark Henry and The Blue
Meanie.
Fully Loaded in Dallas on July 23 at Reunion Arena is already sold out,
like an ECW wrestler with the opportunity to leave!
WrestleMania hype already? Apparently so, as Houston will experience lots
of "WrestleMania-oriented activities" for a July 1st show. Another hot Texas
sellout! Like Terry Funk!
Plug for Mick Foley's Christmas book with illustrations by Jerry "The
Perv" Lawler, due out in the fall. There's talk of a scary scene where Mr.
Socko is nailed to a wall and stuffed full with crap in gift wrapping,
almost suffocating him. The original ending, with Socko taking revenge on
the evil yuletide-celebrating family by strangling them with his own
textile body, has apparently been cut, though.
Remember WWF New York? Some wrestlers might actually be there in the near
future, among other things to shill for the King of the Ring. It's not like
they'd go there on their spare time. I mean, have you seen that
dump? No? Me neither.
Triple-H vs Chris Jericho last Monday peaked with an 8.3 rating, which is
good. That Other Monday Show isn't mentioned, because they're not the least
bit important anymore.
"Saw it written that some WWF Superstars were being passed over
intentionally for "bigger" stars for TV and movie roles. Absolutely untrue.
Sounds like a frustrated underachiever whining to me." I wish I knew who he
was talking about so I could make something out of this, but I assume it's
someone from WCW.
What websites does Jimbo visit? Apparently, someone reported that Stu
Hart was supposed to lead the British Bulldog to the ring in Calgary
recently. Needless to say, they're all FILTHY, FILTHY LIARS!!! You should
know they can't spend as much time as it'd take Stu to walk all that way
for an entrance. The shows can only be so long.
"SmackDown! was a strong broadcast! I am always overwhelmed with the
masterful job done by WWF TV folks. They are simply the best!" Better than
all the rest! Better than anyone! Anyone in WCW, at least!
Shane McMahon is *not* training daily with Sgt. Slaughter, so we have
even more FILTHY, FILTHY LIARS!!! Why do I get the feeling that Jimbo only
visits newsboards?
Steve Regal has been doing a good job in Memphis, and will return to WWF
TV as soon as he's been properly potty-trained.
Bull "Shit" Buchanan has signed a new multi-year contract recently.
People in power like him, so he'll be pushed down our throats until they
realize it's not working out. I sure hope he won't win the KotR.
On the flip side, we have someone talented who's also expected to sign a
multi-year renewal contract: Twenty-eight year old Grandmaster Sexay. He's
expected to jot down his signature this Tuesday in Memphis, which is not A
Very Special PPV Offering.
Tori's signed a new deal as well. Her exposure on TV will be increased.
They'll have to be careful, though; Too much exposure and you'll notice the
many surgery scars.
Jimbo and Lawler to audition for the XFL cable package announcers' role?
I don't care.
Because The Rock has absolutely nothing to do with music, he'll do "Total
Request Live" on MTV on Wednesday, June 28. 'Music' is being phased out of
MTV, just like 'wrestling' from the WWF and/or WCW in Russo's vision.
I sure hope for an update on J.R.'s BBQ sauce next week, don't
you? By the way, Jim would still like to see more "J.R.'s BJotW" signs on
TV.
Don't accept candy from strangers ...
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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