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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
The lateness of this week's NftRR ["Hey, at least you wrote one this week."
-"Shut up."] is *not* due to Massa Chris, me, or anyone else of the
Omnipotent Ones That Will Soon Destroy You All (as we call ourselves) but
rather a fuckety-uppety e-mail server. Now you know.
This report no longer goes up on WrestleArena, but it's not like any of you
ever went there. And why should you? It's just a souped-up version of
EmZee.com, for crying out loud. ["WAAH! WAAH!"]
From this week and onward, the Notes from the Ross Report will first go up
on Saturdays on Delphi, and then here on [slash], whenever CRZ's weekend
breaks end. So git yo'selves to the premier (now active) Delphi board for
the raw copy if you just can't wait those extra days. And if you have
Delphi access and still don't know which board I'm talking about, you don't
belong. Don't worry about it.
Anything else? No? Well then. . .Ah-one, ah-two, ah-one, two, three, four.
Notes from the Ross Report
Brock "N. Broll" Lesnar has signed with the WWF. He's one of them folks
who wear goofy ear pads and wrestle in rings without turnbuckles and ropes,
almost like Vince Russo's vision. Only with wrestling and without pubescent
punnery. The Brock will go through the same grooming process as Kurt Angle,
meaning he'll first work Ohio Valley, then be in dark matches at WWF shows
for a year or two before being unveiled to the TV audience. . . as a bland
babyface in a Sunday Night HeAT angle with Tiger Ali Singh. He'll then go
back to dark matches for eight months and only come back on TV once some
shitty New Yawk video-store-clerk-turned-booker who doesn't believe in that
"athletics" bullshit makes the mistake of his career and leaves the WWF.
Now that's how stars are born.
Last Thursday, Stone Phillips of NBC spent the day with the Rock,
allegedly for an upcoming interview on Dateline. They even went to the gym
together. Rock's wife Dani better be worried.
TAKA and The Big Sho Funaki have re-signed, which is great news from
where J.R. sits. As gross as it is to type, I guess you could say that I'm
sitting in Jimbo's lap for this one. Metaphorically speaking.
The Big Show's knee is healing up well, and there are great expectations
for him to be less of a lazy fatass when he returns.
Mr. Rectum won’t return until September,
[. . .and there was much rejoice. . .]
but still gets some patented Oklahoman oral action. Ross really
deep-throats it this time, with the bullshit about best natural athlete
that he regularly spewed back while Gunn was being pushed.
The Undertaker is still not 100%, but unless you're thirteen, spending
eight months at home doing nothing but attending to your pulled groin just
gets too boring. He's big and tough and all, too.
Shawn Michaels will be in Phoenix this Saturday to sell tickets. I know
that they like to keep injured big stars employed, but is a ticket-vending
job really that good an option?
Speaking of Michaels (And when are we not? When he disappears for months
on end?), TAKA and the Head Bangers will work some matches in the TWA,
Michaels' backyard fed, in mid-June. BTW, Jimbo, TAKA is spelled with ALL
CAPS. The preceding sentence, with around or near fifty percent of the
words spelled with capital letters, was written as a special tribute to
Chris Hyatte. Or Vince Russo, take your pick of easy targets.
Rikishi and Too Cool will be in a Crunch 'n' Munch TV ad. Rikishi will be
doing most of the munching.
Al Snow will be going to Hawaii to shill. That's a good gig, says Ross,
and Al should be thankful for what he gets, the ungrateful little bastard!
Well, he doesn't actually say that last part.
Edge, Christian, Too Cool, Perry Saturn, Hardcore Holly, and Kurt Angle
will go to Puerto Rico to work for Victor Quinones' IWA on Friday. That
means that the good workrate quotient of the WWF may be cut in half in a
day, sadly.
Bull Buchanan is expected to sign a new long-term contract soon. Truly
great news for. . . Bull Buchanan.
"Creative thoughts are being devoted to Terri, Kat, Jackie and Ivory."
Damn right they are!
The New York City Licensing Show will get some visitors to represent
the WWF. On Tuesday there'll be some has-beens, Billy Ass and Nick Folly or
whatever, but Kane, HHH and Steph will be there on Wednesday, and the
Dudley BoyuzZ will take over on Thursday. I'm thinking some tables will be
broken. Especially if Steph has PMS.
Both The Rock and David Nelson will be in the new Wyclef Jean video which
was shot last Sunday. Nelson is an OVW trainee, so try getting a good look
at him. Because there's a good chance you won't see him ever again.
Jerry "The Perv" Lawler will be doing the artwork for Mick Foley’s
children’s book, and Jimbo would also like him to do the same for the BBQ
sauce packaging. Jimbo really admires his artwork. I really admire his
girlfriend.
Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? If you can't, you can read about
it in the upcoming WWF cook book. The secret ingredient is sweat.
The Dupps, Jack and Puck or whatever, are soon to debut and are good
prospects for the WWF. Usually, that's Ross-speak for "wait six months and
you'll see them on HeAT".
Scott Vick is trying to become pals with people in the locker room. Once
he befriends the right people, he'll get on TV. He reminds Jimbo of the
late Rick Rude. Works stiff, I presume.
Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) is excited about his upcoming return, as
are some creative types. There's talk of resurrecting the Max Mini gimmick.
Recent signs at WWF shows have been creative and funny, like for
example "Triple-H is the game", "Jericho rules", and "Hi mom!". But when
are we going to see more "JR's BJotW" signs?
Ross himself is planning for a book, and he's been keeping notes from
meetings over the years. Kind of like a less ambitious Sean Stasiak.
Mass-blowjob time. Kane, the Hardy BoyuzZ, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle,
Too Cool all get to drop their proverbial pants for the proverbial oral
action by the proverbial Jim Ross (erm. . .). They are young and awesome,
and most of them get to talk on TV. Future stars are in the making as well,
and the next Kurrgan-like success story is just around the corner.
"Who's better than Chris Benoit, night in and night out?" Kanyon! "He
has Austin-like intensity." Austin is the guy who's sitting at home and can
hardly move, if you didn't remember.
Props to Perry Saturn for coming along nicely and having a great attitude
since joining the WWF. If he keeps it up, there's a small chance he'll get
pushed above being a ten minute hardcore champ. He might even get to keep
it for a whole show.
St. Louis and Chicago are TV-towns this week, which is a Good Thing. If
we're lucky, with an attentive crowd that actually gives a damn about
wrestling, we might even see a six minute match or two.
Don't do drugs ...
J.F.
[slash] wrestling
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