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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
To people who have asked me about new episodes of Rasselin' War Dogs: I've
resigned from EmZee and I haven't written any new RWD episodes for a while.
Have patience, though, as they'll likely turn up some other place soon.
What other place is yet to be determined.
So there.
Ross Report; Home of Ross
Tazz will be out of action for a while. If the injured bicep needs
surgery, he'll be out for at least three months; if not, six weeks. Tazz
was just beginning to get ajusted to wrestling people three feet taller
than him, and was progressing along nicely in efforts to enter the ring
without using a ladder. His tenure so far hasn't quite reached up to
expectations (because the expectations were higher up than four feet, and
he's not tall enough), but he has stayed relatively positive, making his
locker room nickname "Happy" instead of "Grumpy". The merchandise,
especially the T-shirts for three to five year-olds he himself has
frequently worn to the ring, has done very well and he's found a place in
the locker room. The place is inside a locker, and he's made himself quite
a cozy little hangout in there. He is being treated by the New York Mets'
doctor, by the way, who appreciates the challenge of treating someone the
size of a hamster.
The Big Boss Man has experienced some high blood pressure lately, and
will miss InsurrexzxxzzXyonn this Saturday. Eliott Sparks mourns.
Another guy too good for a puny UK PPV is X-Pac, who has to handle family
issues. So you'll see Road Dogg vs Bradshaw on the card instead of the
planned tag match. Road Dogg has promised to smoke twice as much weed
before the match to make up for X-Pac's absence.
Something about "Trish", "ride", and "wood". I don't know exactly what, I
wasn't paying attention.
Kurt Angle is in the UK, whoring for InsurrexxXZZxzZXXXyiunn. He'll
wrestle Chris Benoit in a very special "heel vs heel" match. First he talks
about how he likes gladiator movies, and now he goes to England. That boy's
got to think about his reputation. . .
"Mick Foley is staying very busy with personal appearances
around the country and is not scheduled to return to WWF TV any time soon,
which means he could surprise us on RAW or SmackDown!" Do I even need to
make a joke?
WWF officials have met with "Erin" Brock "O-Witz" Lesner, who is a really
good amateur wrestler and gets a bit of Oklahoman oral action. The current
plan is to have Lesner wrestle dark matches for about two years, then debut
as an all-American in a quickie angle with Tiger Ali Singh on an episode of
Sunday Night HeAT only to go back into dark matches and then, once Russo's
gone, emerge as a heel and win the IC title within three months after his
debut. Or am I thinking of something else?
Kane will make an appearance on a Monster Truck show in Texas on May
12th, to which J.R. adds "how appropriate". I gather he's alluding to
Kane's past as Diesel # 2 here.
Contrary to what the man himself says, Shawn Michaels *will* return to
WWF TV in a few weeks, probably after Judgment Day. According to Jimbo,
Shawn is very anxious to return to WWF TV and contribute to a more tense
locker room atmosphere.
"Let's clarify the Mark "Fat" Henry issue. Firstly, the WWF is not trying
to "get Mark "Fat" Henry to quit," as has been speculated in the internet.
If the WWF wanted to stop doing business with Mark, he would have been
released… legally and tossed out on the streets on his big fat ass. We are
trying to get him to realize his potential, improve his in-ring skills by
working regularly and to continue to lose unneeded weight and stop being a
big fat fatty. In Louisville with Ohio Valley Wrestling, Fat Mark can,
hopefully, accomplish all these goals. The current level of talent in the
WWF is such that anything less than one's absolute best just will not get
it done, and Mark "Fat" Henry is too fat." Gee, Jim. That's kinda harsh.
WWF ratings are high without hotshotting, which sucks. Russo is a
no-talent bum.
Jim woke up from a deep sleep only to see a battle royal so
embarrassingly bad that he suspects it was a nightmare. 'Cause nothing can
be that bad, can it? Or wait a minute, it was WCW, wasn't it! They can be
that bad! I've solved the riddle! It's WCW! I saw through J.R.'s cleverly
disguised vague critizism! WCW put on a horribly bad battle royal!
Both Gangrel and Viscera have injured shoulders and should both be back
relatively soon. Which leads me to this theory: Gangrel and Viscera are
really the same person. I mean, think about it!
The way Bobby Eaton got the news of his release is embarrassing. If you
haven't heard, it appears that that Russo and Bischoff were leading a
whispering game in the locker room with a bunch of wrestlers where Bischoff
whispered a message into a wrestler's ear, and he passed it on to the next
wrestler, and so on. When it finally came to Eaton, the final person in the
game, the message had, as it does in this game, changed. Eaton said "Hobby
eater's wired?", immediately followed by Russo screaming at the top of his
lungs: "No, it's 'Bobby Eaton's fired'! You're fired! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Jimbo is looking forward to WWF InsurrexxZXXxZxzzXXyyuiunn. The UK fans
are very knowledgable of the WWF landscape, and will really show their
appreciation for UK's favourite, Mideon.
A cookbook project is in the works. Learn to cook such meals as poontang
pie, head cheese sandwich, and Pepper steak made out of the finest
chihuahua meat. And the BBQ sauce. Don't you ever forget about the BBQ
sauce!
Don't do drugs.
/Mr JF
[slash] wrestling
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