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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
The Rock will be in London and Morocco from May 7-12, filming the Mummy
II. He'll play the part of the Scorpion King. Thank your lucky stars that
it's not a WCW wrestler in that spot, or you'd be seeing Pyramid Cage
matches main event pay-per-views.
The Rock, along with New York Mets' Mike Piazza, will be on the cover of
USA Today Weekend Magazine. Thank your lucky stars that it's not a WCW
wrestler in that spot, or Piazza would be wrestling in that Pyramid Cage.
On Wednesday, April 26th, Grandmaster Sexay and Mr. Rectum Billy Ass will
be evaluated to determine the how their injuries are healing up. Seems
unnecessary, since J.R. sure appears to know what's up: Christopher will
return in a few weeks, and Rectum isn't expected back for several weeks.
Some twenty weeks, according to previous Ross Reports, but what the hell. .
.
You won't be seeing Mark Henry's fat ass on WWF TV for a while. He's
going to Ohio Valley Wrestling, the Jenny Craig of pro-wrestling. Other
patients currently enlisted in the Louisville weight-loss program include
Stephen Regal, the Blue Meanie, and Jim Cornette. OK, maybe not that last
one.
Edge and Christian are looking for homes in Florida. They are
housebroken, and very cuddly.
Val Venis has purchased 25 acres outside of Toronto, and will be moving
back to Canada from the Bahamas. His name is Val Venis, and the Canadian
cold shrinks his penis. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sorry.
More Canadian news: events in Vancouver, Tacoma, Calgary, Edmonton have
all done well in ticket sales. The event in Calgary where Bruce Hart wanted
to loan in a bunch of WWF wrestlers to celebrate Stu's 104th birthday has
been postponed. Stu says he didn't know anything about it, and I guess
surprise parties isn't his bag.
Kurt Angle will go to the UK on May 3rd to plug WWF InzurrexxXxxtyon. The
event sold out months ago, as soon as it got out that Mideon might be there.
Backlash is looking good. Some major announcements regarding the main
could occur RAW and/or SmackDown!, because a simple one-on-one match may
never main event a WWF PPV. If it turns out to be a surprise no-DQ stip, I
will be just as shocked as when it happened the last thirteen times.
Both the Benoit vs Jericho and the Edge/Christian vs Road Dogg & X Pac
matches should deliver the goods. Reports say that Benoit and Jericho are
being pressured to produce at least a four star match, while X-Pac & Road
Dogg are being pressured to please guys, just for one night, lay off the
bong, OK? Guys?
Expect Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, and Stevie Richards to get more visibility
on WWF TV. All three are hard working, good citizens who filled out their
census forms on time and frequently help old ladies cross the street.
It's a sad farewell for the team we all came to know and love as Head
Cheese. Jimbo wishes both Al Snow and Steve Blackman the best of luck in
getting over as singles wrestlers.
Ross says that T & A have been replaced by Kane, Crash Holly, the Big
Boss Man, and Bull Buchanan for the UK PPV. Math was never Jimbo's strong
suit.
Joe E. Legend's work situation is still up in the air. Legend first
arrived in Stanford on his own after his mother had passed away while
attempting escape from Canada's communist regime. It's a gripping tale, I
tell you.
Shawn Michaels? Return to WWF TV? This week? Who knows? Huh?
APA and Tazz merchandise is selling well. Which is ironic, when you think
about it.
Chances are good that you'll see more of that little indy fed that had
one of its wrestlers on SmackDown! last Thursday at future tapings.
It's time! It's time! It's BJotW time! Ross says that Kurt Angle has
great work ethic and tons of character, and has progressed extraordinarily.
Then he swallows. . .
. . . and moves along to Chris Benoit, who Jim pleasures using phrases
such as "great motor" and "future PPV main eventer". You know, if Jim keeps
giving out blowjob pushes this often, they'll cease to mean something.
Really.
When it comes to Eddy Guerrero and Chyna, Jim Ross says that he thinks
they have potential as a duo. Which is exactly what he said last week and
the week before that. The senile bastard.
Bull Buchanan has potential but is stuck with a shitty eighties gimmick.
He needs something edgy, something like being a member of a South African
Truth Commission and feuding with various racial gangs. Or something.
Hardcore matches are getting boring in J.R.'s eyes. ECW won't have any
matches on RAW any time soon, methinks.
Wrestlers who don't speak English will be tutored. Good luck TAKA, Sho,
Essa, Jeff, and Matt.
As always, let's plug RAW and SmackDown! For once, Ross thinks they'll be
good. What do you mean "he says that every week"?
Buh-bye.
/Mr JF
[slash] wrestling
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