Main BLAH
|
NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
Ross Report; Home of Ross.
The Rock and Triple-H are very anxious, excited, and giddy about their
upcoming one-on-one match at Backlash. Let's hope they don't pee their
pants with excitement. These two will do their very best to prove that they
are the best in the business and, doggone it, they deserve to be the only
two wrestlers in the WWF who're anywhere close the world title.
Jim Ross is paid to say positive things, and he believes RAW and
SmackDown! will rock this week. He means that.
Brian Christopher won't return to action for a month or so, but will be
back on the road this weekend. Why would he want to be on the road, someone
might run him over! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Homage to Eliott.)
Gangrel's arm is in a sling, and the freaky-ass vampire will be out for
four weeks. Bet you won't notice.
Mr. Rectum is in pain after his rotator cuff repair job, and will be out
for four to six months. And there was much rejoice.
Mick Foley will be on an episode of CBS's Now and Again, if it doesn't
slip his mind.
The British Bulldog is training in Calgary, waiting for a return date to
be set. One very efficient exercise is running in the streets and trying to
avoid being run over by bitter brothers-in-law with greasy hair.
Expect to see X-Pac and the Road Dogg heat up some crack very soon.
Speculation is that Tori will be getting high, as well.
If Edge and Christian are given the opportunity to talk, which they
aren't, they'll become major players.
Congratulations, Dean Malenko! You get to be the recipient of the
official BJotW. Ross also gives out polite genital licks to the other
lightweights, whose talents we shouldn't take for granted. Now go brush,
Jimbo.
"The Dudleys are beginning to get significant cheers in
some arenas. The 3D and tables are popular signatures of
these two talented young men. They are a tag team, and they compete in the
WWF, which is a pro-wrestling federation."
Tazz is still an orange midget who jobs to Crash Holly on a regular
basis, but Jim believes he is really going to make it in the WWF. He could
even someday be the ECW champion.
Get the breath mints out, because Jimbo feels an urge to orally satisfy
the Acolytes as well. Gurgle, tough powerhouses, gurgle gurgle, keep an eye
on, gurgle swallow.
Spit, rinse, repeat. . . Pull down you tights, Chris Benoit, 'cause Jimbo
gots a blowjob push to give you! Ross seems to think that if Chris is just
his uncharismatic Canadian self, he'll get over just fine in interviews.
Yea.
Several solid WWF superstars will get repackaged to fully take advantage
of their talents. Reports say Stevie Richards will play a flunky who gets
injured as soon as a push is staring out, D'Lo Brown will get a garbage man
gimmick, and Mideon will continue down the path of teen heart-throbness.
WWF InzzurrexXxtyon will be main evented by The Rock vs Triple-H vs Shane
McMahon. Them Brits get all the good stuff.
Kane's hand is broken, but the Big Red Machine will return soon, and
he'll be mighty pissed. Because of the imminent feud with the Big Boss Man
and Bull Buchanan, of course.
J.R. could be wrong, but he feels that Eddy Guerrero and Chyna will be
red-hot. It's not deja vu, Ross said pretty much the exact same thing last
week. The senile bastard.
What a "bump" Rikishi delivered after a "Chyna-Line" on "SmackDown!",
don't you "think"?
Jim Ross, you little slut. Once again, he gets on his knees and delivers
his patented Oklahoman lip service. The lucky recipients this time: The
Hardyz, who will become even more popular when we hear about their amazing
life story. Jeff's been a crash test dummy, and when they were kids, Matt
had a hamster.
The WWF has over 30 talents under development deals. Most of them suck,
but ten or so may even have a shot of making Shotgun within a year.
Steven Regal's doing really well in Memphis, and rarely urinates on
people without their permission anymore. He is trying to earn another shot
with the WWF, but no time table has been set. Jim didn't like the Man's Man
gimmick, and is obviously not a Monty Python fan.
Steve Austin is could return to the WWF in June, but it's only a guess.
He's been working out constantly, and at this point can almost lift empty
beer cans over his head.
The Undertaker could also return in June. So that's two more months of
'groin-pull' jokes right there. Great.
Judgment Day tickets did a Mike Awesome in only a matter of hours.
A number of WWF superstars will be on hand for the Gary Albright Memorial
Show on Wednesday, April 19th. Check it out if your in the area, 'cause
showing your support for someone who no one cared that much about while he
was alive is always a good cause.
The Rock, Kane, and the Dudley Boyz will risk their lives by appearing in
Puerto Rico. With four wrestlers there, there's a good chance that at least
one or two will make it back alive.
Admit it! You liked the Kat/Mae vs Teri/Moolah match on SmackDown, you
sick bastard!
June could be a huge month for the WWF, as in addition to the possible
returns of the Dead Man and the Stone Cold Cripple, J.R.'s BBQ sauce will
hopefully hit the shelves! As a side point, Ross really hopes WCW brings
back Oklahoma.
Buh-bye.
/Mr JF
[slash] wrestling
Mail the Author
Visit EmZee
Visit WrestleArena
|
BLAH
|