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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
2000.03.13
Hey, Jim Ross just doesn't give a damn anymore, does he? First he took a
week off from the Ross Report a while ago, and then now he doesn't put it
out on time. Lazy bastard.
Jimbo asks us if we can believe that WrestleMania is less than three
weeks away. It is hard to believe. . . with no buildup whatsoever
and all.
Vinny McDaddy will do a Playboy interview that will be published this
summer. Stephanie McDaughter's photo spread will only appear in my head.
Both Chyna and the Fabulous Moolah are writing their autobiographies.
Chyna's will be out later this year, and Moolah's will be published early
2001. As if she'll actually live that long. . .
WrestleMania is the cover story of Brandweek Magazine next month. If I
knew what Brandweek Magazine was, I'd have an easier time thinking up
something funny to say right here.
USA network is number one in the cable ratings, but it's thanks to the
WWF. So they'll take off.
WWF Axxzeyzz hype. Lots of tickets sold, lots of tickets left. Steve
Austin and the Undertaker will be there, sitting perfectly still and
looking at visitors with cold, dead stare in order to not risk additional
injuries.
April! RAW Magazine! Lesbian orgy photo shoot!
Several ladies will be getting more airtime, but will have to keep their
egos in check. And their boobs.
XFL. Yawn.
WWF house shows continue to sell out rapidly. Just like Internet writers.
The details of the Rock's appearance on Saturday Night Live is being
discussed with Loren Michaels, as J.R. calls him. . .
"So Loren, how about if I --. . ."
"Actually, my name isn't Loren, it's --. . ."
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!"
The WWF has no plans to have high-priced whore (or "Millionaire wife", if
you prefer) Darva Conger appear at WM, and the people who claimed that are
filthy, filthy liars! Jimbo says that there are no celebs scheduled
for the big show. Damnit, I want my Pete Rose!
More lies from the web: Busty Blonde EMT Lady has not gotten her release.
She hasn't even hooked up her freaks to a leash.
Some old wrestling broadcaster guy went on a radio show and lied bit last
week. He said that Chyna and Triple H are to get married and that the WWF
are unhappy with the Radicals, which is simply not true. Triple H is still
married to Stephanie, and the Radicals are by no means being referred to as
"the Radishes" backstage.
Wha. . .? A little blowjob for ECW. Not a very thorough and drawn out one
(Jimbo doesn't swallow, one might say), but still, it's there.
"The WWF TV picture could clear up as early as the next 30-60 days." Many
television repairmen are hisitant to come to Stamford since 'the Patterson
incident', you see.
"There once was a WWF staffer who tried to manipulate old JR off the air
here. It obviously did not work and neither is their career." And neither
do J.R.'s grammar skills.
Claims from the former Oklahoma Sooners player says Steve Austin stole
the "Stone Cold" name from an old Brian Bosworth B-movie. Bullshit.
Bosworth's brain's busting. Bummer, Brian.
Kurt Angle reminds Jim of Rock two years ago. Which is good, if you're
too stupid to realize it.
Mr. Ass will be out for up to six months. He looks to be out of DX, but
who knows? Not the WWF bookers!
HeAT gets higher ratings than Nitro, and what does that say? It's really
easy, actually. . . Mideon = ratings!
Any urine stench you might smell in the near future will likely be coming
from Memphis. After a while, however, Stephen Regal might also hit the WWF
proper.
Ross would like to hear Jesse Ventura on commentary for football. Hmm. .
. If he gets picked up by the XFL after his gubernatorial run is over, I
might actually start to care a tiny bit. Maybe.
In their ongoing quest to show programming unrelated to music, MTV are
going to have WWF superstars on for some wild and wacky fun. Hardyz!
Blackman! Jackie! Test! D'Lo! Rikishi! Road Dog! Ivory! Mideon! Mideon =
ratings!
BJotW goes to amateur wrestler Brock Lesnar, who's the WWF would love to
sign up as soon as his amateur career is over. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, and
when Ross says that Brock is a real stud, I think it's time to move on. . .
SmackDown! gets more viewers than golf, which is truly amazing. Or
something.
The Warrior vs WWF trial is over. The Warrior won the rights to continue
to be a roided up nutcase who makes up words as he speaks.
Hey, here's some stuff Jimbo has mentioned a whole bunch of times in
previous Ross Reports: Big Show + Chef Boyardee, Chyna + 3rd Rock, Rock +
Late Night Talk Shows. Jim Ross + Filling Up Space With Stuff We Already
Know About.
JR's BBQ Sauce!
Mick Foley will at least write another book, and will likely be involved
in a few other projects. I think a children's show starring Mr. Socko would
be nice. . . Just some of the episodes could be: "Mr. Socko learns German
from Herr Lederhosen", "Mr. Socko & Seņor Jock Strap; Two Smelly Friends",
and the R-rated season's finale: "Mr. Socko meets Miss Wonderbra". Pure
gold!
The Blue Meanie is losing a few pounds, and as a reward, he too gets a
blowjob from Oklahoma's finest lip service man. Ross "likes this kid, his
love for the business, and his work ethic." I wouldn't be surprised if
Jimbo showed up on the SmackDown! tapings with his hair dyed blue. . .
Colgate will be making one hell of a profit this week; the WWF tag team
scene, Too Cool in particular, also gets some oral pleasure. Take it
easy there, Jimbo, and remember to floss. After the blowjob is over, Ross
pants that Edge and Christian will likely break up.
Val Venis and Gangrel will return this week. Few will care. Hardcore
Holly will return on March 20 in Chicago, and Stevie Richards will be out
for a few more weeks. This very special injury report was brought to you by
"Ross Has Said This Same Thing For Weeks Now."
WCW wrestlers are old and crappy.
/Mr JF
[slash] wrestling
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